Following the release of "Three Little Pigs, Revisited", I decided once again to devote a significant portion of my busy CEO schedule to educating youngsters out there. Education is of prime importance.
Hansel and Gretel were the poor children of an uneducated woodcutter who could not be hired as a billable IT worker. The father - who we now know has a very poor judgement - decided to increase his personal difficulties by marrying an evil 2nd wife.
The father tried to make ends meet but his lack of financial knowledge, lack of general education and lack of good taste in women pushed him against the wall. The evil step-mother, despite all her sins, knew how to work a balance sheet. She took a hard look at her husband quarterly earnings, general expenses, woodcutting tools amortization and child-specific expenses. She applied some technical analysis only to conclude that the children could not be afforded anymore.
Since children could not easily be traded for other goods in those days/markets, the step-mother convinced her mildly retarded husband to abandon the kids in the woods. By suppressing an important part of their family budget, they could feed themselves in the future, afford a more comfortable housing and hopefully purchase common stocks of an important Canadian IT firm on the profitable growth path (wink, wink).
Hansel, aware of the financial cutback plan, left a trail of pebbles back to the house so he and his sister find their way back home. The step-mother was angry and locked the two children up for the night with only a loaf of bread and water (more expenses).
The next night, the woodcutter attempts the same plan again; this time Hansel left s a trail of bread-crumbs but they got eaten by hungry birds and the two children got lost in the woods. Readers may know question Hansel's ability to achieve management position, when you succeed at something with basic tools (pebbles), why do you switch strategies by using perishable goods (crumbs).
After wandering around and constantly whining about their situation, Hansel and Gretel stumbled across a house made of gingerbread and other confectionery. Despite the fact that gingerbread is a very poor choice of material for housing and would not pass inspection by a City employee, Hansel and Gretel were very hungry and began to eat it.
The gingerbread house was owned by an evil old witch who was probably also mildly retarded. If your business plan involves kidnapping teutonic kids, why do you build a trap in the middle of the forest? I mean, it's not like school busses full of raucous kids go through there on a daily basis. Poor execution strategy, I say.
The witch trapped Hansel in a cage and forced Gretel to do the housework, continually sweeping the floor. Although the latter choice provides a good maintenance on assets (although perishable ones as we now know), it is unclear why Hansel was trapped into a cage. The witch could have sold Hansel to the slave market for one lump sum, or better yet lease the young fellow as a cleaning consultant to other houses in the forest. This way, the witch would have enjoyed a clean house (thanks to Gretel) and fixed income (thanks to Hansel).
The witch, unable to foresee a long term plan and sustainable revenues, fed Hansel lots of food with the intention of eating him. The idea that overfeeding Hansel costs more than the amount of food that he could provide as a meal did not cross her deranged mind at that point. Eventually the witch turned on the oven with the intention of roasting her only source of revenue. She was completely nuts, her financial decision made no sense. Gretel came up behind her and kicked her into it, shut the door firmly and padlocked it.
The witch died at 425 degrees Fahrenheit according to the autopsy.
Hansel and Gretel hang around in the house for a couple of days despite the screams and strong burning odor coming out of the oven, eating the sweets and paving their future as diabetics. They found some valuable gold coins, and some monthly statement from Investors' Group where the witch held a few bad mutual funds.
Once they were convinced that the witch was completely burned, they grabbed their hard-won assets (just the gold, not the mutual funds), packed some gingerbread for the road and successfully found their way home and were met by their ecstatic father. He tells them that his evil wife is dead (no word on how, leaving H&G very suspicious about their dad's mental state) and they were now rich because of the gold coins' value.
Hansel & Gretel decided to sue their father for child cruelty, the verdict came quickly and the poor bastard is sent to a Federal pound-me-in-the-ass facility. Next, the brother and sister successfully invested in selected Canadian IT companies that provide no dividend but have spectacular financial results (wink, wink) and make their capital grow by 20% each year. They convinced the judge that the witch property be given to them as a token of justice, and the judge happily gave it to them - tax free.
They all live happily ever after.
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