On Terminating Employees

It's one of those situations that can be awkward, stressful, charged with emotions or simply matter-of-fact and easy to do. Terminating an employee is a process by which you drop an expense which largely offsets gain or potential gain. But before you accuse me of being a hardboiled accountant who sacks anyone on the bench after 20 days, I must admit that there are countless situations where an employee must be shown the door even though the numbers favor the firm strictly speaking. Humans are humans.

When you announce to someone that he/she will no longer be on the payroll, the reaction will depend on the individual personality, the gender and of course on the age of the person. This is where as an executive you divert the river of shit to HR and get the hell out as soon as you can. After all, you pay those social-science suckers to do this kind of bull.

When firing someone who is around 60, he/she will thank you for an early retirement opportunity, will get his/her boxes done and will take the next flight to Myrtle Beach. That's the easy case.

When firing someone who is 50, especially a low-ranking one, that person will quietly leave the office, go home and he will have a quiet dinner with his wife without announcing the news, and then go into the garage, sit in the car, start the engine, and then leave the car run without opening the garage door. Make sure Legal is on the battle deck to handle incoming litigations afterward.

For someone who is 40, that person will leave your office after the blow, go to his desk and will e-mail his friends asking "I've been fired, is there anyone you know who has an open position, will take a lower salary if necessary I have a wife, 3 kids to feed and a '94 Taurus". Expect that person to steal toilet paper on his way out.

For someone who is 30 or under, that person will take his smartphone while you talk to him, and he will post a message on his Facebook page about you being an old fart and that he's looking for a management position now he was acquired some much experience with your firm. He will then show you the smartphone screen where you can see how many of his on-line friends "like this". Kids can be cruel sometimes.

If the person - whatever the age - is a woman, make sure HR has a box of tissues with just one or two left. You don't want your remaining staff to endure an hour of pitiful cries leading to pointless observations and remarks, something a full box of tissue can trigger. The shorter the sniffing, the better.

I also found that having foreign people in HR is a big plus. People being fired will keep complaints to a minimum if the HR person on the other side of the table is non-expressive and barely speaks English. Please sign here. Thank you.