Buckle up, the quants are in town

When I was a pubescent youth preaching at the Young Visicalc Enthusiast Club in Ontario, my favorite comic book was the Green Goblin. I know, I don't strike you as the kind of man who read funnies, but I was once a young boy like everyone else. The Goblin was a smart scientist and visionary, and although he had tacky accessories and a bad business plan but he managed to invent a serum that boosted his mental abilities beyond the average human. And considering how low the average joe scores, that serum must have been a piece of cake to invent.

I did try last year some experimental medication from a "consultant" scientist but it did not boost my mental abilities tenfold as printed in the brochure. It gave me a rash though.

So what I'm announcing today is a very humble thing for me to do, and to some extent it shows how human I am despite years of experience in micro-management.

I'm announcing today my decision to hire a team of quants to push the profitable growth models a notch higher, many notches in fact. It's a small team of underpaid mathematicians that I salvaged from an undisclosed Canadian university, but they are amazingly bright, they have no social life or access to social networks and ready to perform any task. Don't look them up in the company directory, they have an office with no Internet access.

Our acquisition of Stanley proved to be very complex from a spreadsheet point of view, and there are now too many variables to take into account when I want to squeeze money. For instance, should I stop reimbursing parking in the New York state because members use parking spaces that cost above what the DOT zombies consider "average parking cost"?

Or should we stop paying for soft drinks when there's a working lunch in the office, and if so how much this saving will snowball 10 years down the road considering the commodities market and expected hikes in soft drink pricing?

This is the kind of intellectual challenge that gives me goose bumps (plus other physiological effects I can't describe here), but I realize that quants will do a better job than me alone crunching numbers on my laptop.

So buckle up dear members, this is a new beginning.