Beware of marketing consultants

Here’s another nugget of wise advice to CEOs and board members: you cannot trust anyone, and that include yourself. Until science finds a way to totally control the human psyche with drugs or physical tools (i.e. lobotomy-on-demand), you cannot trust anyone at a 100% level.

First, there was this fascinating story of Robert Moffatt, a married and obedient VP with a 31-year career at Big Blue who was caught with his pants down doing back-channel dealings with hedge funds. Sex was part of the picture. Read this for your own personal satisfaction.

Next, Mark Hurd who was CEO of HP (and therefore of EDS) falsifying expense reports to conceal a “close personal relationship” with a female contractor. And not just any consultant, mind you. Jodie Fisher is a 50-year-old former reality television contestant (which does not qualify her as an actress by the way) turned HP marketing consultant – as if doing reality TV was a springboard to market HP color printers. Her job was to “introduce him to customers and keep him company”.

How the fuck do you get a job like this? Let me picture the average 50-years old woman sending a resume to CGI HR department. “I’d like to introduce Mr. Roach to new and existing clients and keep him company. My qualifications are – well I’m good at shaking hands and making small talk”. What are the chances that HR will answer something along the line of “there are no positions that match your skills but we’ll sure keep your 8x10 picture on file in case something comes up”.

Next thing you know, Blondie sues Hurd for sexual harassment. Oh my god, this is so totally unexpected. 50-year old married CEO hires a hot blond woman to “keep him company” and things went south. Let me take a wild guess… he complimented her on her perfume and she figured he wanted to spend the afternoon at the next Motel 6. Her mum always told her to be wary of men.

The story is so full of contradictions it is laughable. We learn that Hurd filed inaccurate expense account reports in a bid to keep the relationship secret. Yet, Blondie claims that “Mark and I never had an affair or intimate sexual relationship." Okay, then if you guys didn’t gave an affair, what did Hurd filed in his expense report that was so secret about? One additional train ticket to Penn Station because Mr. Hurd felt lonely coming from Newark? There is a thick line of bull here.

The best part is this quote from Jodie: “I was surprised and saddened that Mark lost his job over this. That was never my intention.” Of course not. For someone with a degree in political science, she should know better. Suing a CEO for sexual harassment doesn’t get that someone a Pulitzer.

So if you’re a CEO, don’t think for a second that such scandals cannot bloom within your own fortress. Men use their dick as an OEM replacement part for their brain and women are unpredictable hormone-driven creatures, neither can be trusted. And that includes you.

For one thing, make sure you don’t hire anyone cute as a consultant. Having a hot looking woman on board is just an invitation for disaster. When I interview someone, I try to picture myself naked with her. If the thought makes me puke, then it means we’re good.