Dear God, please kill me.

The Prince of Financial Darkness is now asking for the opinion of ordinary citizens in light of the upcoming 2011-2012 Quebec budget. It's like Charles Manson being asked to give the keynote at a pro-life event or Don Cherry advising customers at Harry Rosen.

I mean, I could pretend I care about my employees opinion and ask them what direction my company should take, but I don't. I'm the farging CEO. I'm being paid to take decisions and lead this organizations toward financial nirvana (for the shareholder, that is).

So SuperRaymond launched a "prebudget consultation" on his Web site, except this sucker had no money to put an English version along the French version. C'est la vie. Look at him in the picture above. Would you buy a used car from this man?

I spent about 15 minutes surfing this electronic goulash that bears more resemblance to early draft of Politburo propaganda than sound financial plans backed by a solid understanding of the situation. Happy Raymond wants to be a reassuring figure, all your social benefits define who you really are and your tightly-managed government is working days and nights to preserve this by doing creative accounting. This uber-crap could be convincing after 6 glasses of wine, but no one with at least a 2-digit IQ will fall for this.

Oh, by the way, we learned earlier this week that 30 government departments in Quebec spent $1.7M in contract services to water the fucking plants in their office. You know those plants, you could water them with your personal fluids or old coffee pots and they could thrive. Revenue Quebec spent $173 000 just to take care of those plants, and guess which smart ass leads this frugal organization? None other than The King of Happiness himself!

Anyway, go take a look if you read French and don't accuse me if you suffer from intellectual dysentery after that. How much taxpayer dollar went into this mess, Ray?

IT is better than politics

I don't want to start any false rumors, but I've been told the chronic mismanagement of the current liberal administration in Quebec is having a major toll on the health of some highly perched politicians.

I watched Curly in the news last week and he was pale as a ghost, his double-chin dangling at every word. This was not the picture of a man following a healthy regimen and sleeping well at night. What can I say, you are the product of your own decisions.

A few minutes after the Scary Curly Show, we learned about the resignation of the president of FTQ Construction, a powerful labor union involved with many public infrastructure projects whose cost double every 6 months. The former president claims the mafia has infiltrated every corner of the industry. Great.

In related news, Happy Raymond (shown here) was talking about his prostate to a CBC reporter after being grilled about the negative effect of raising the sales tax from 7.5% to 8.5%. Look at his gloomy unhealthy face. What's funny about Ramone (well it's not funny) is that everybody profoundly hate his guts. Fiscally responsible advocates hate him because he increases taxes to fund deficient social programs whose cost is skyrocketing. Left-wing nuts and union junkies hate him because his higher-tax policy is impacting everyone, not just the filthy rich who make more than $65K a year.

I mean, it's impossible to please everyone, but to displease everyone and run a fucking huge deficit you have to... well you have to be Raymond. In case your short term memory has erased that priceless quote, this is the guy who claimed that the prime objective of a democratic government is NOT to balance a budget but to make people happy.

I'll miss this guy when he'll be gone.

Dear members, your life in a dimly lit cubicle is 1,000,000 times better than the life of some public figures. Happiness is being able to leave work at work, something middle managers, CEOs and drug dealers simply can't do. Configuring a domain server is piece of cake (I've been told), so enjoy the easy life.

Don't worry, be happy, and fill your time sheet with 40+ hours of billable work.

CGI upgraded to "smouldering hot"

I mean, what did I tell you earlier this week about douche bags who pretends your stock is not "exciting" anymore? Some other people who do not qualify as moronic analysts think CGI is the hottest thing in this quadrant, with a target price of $20.00. Gasp, this would be the greatest event ever, I would tap dance on the desk of institutional investors, I told you so, I told you so.

Oops. Huge mistake. They're talking about another company whose ticket is CGI. Calderon something. Damn those guys, I hate them.

CGI downgraded from "arousing" to "neutered"

The same happens when you buy a new Mercedes, the first few weeks are totally great but then after 6 months you stop enjoying its "newness" and wander around the dealer to spot new models.

Wall Street Analysts were like female teenagers drooling over Justin Bieber (or Elvis Presley) when we purchased Stanley and posted our record Q4, but now the chick-of-the-day is not CGI and they downgraded us as if we're just a bunch of has-been.

To hell with them. Wall Street will upgrade us to "fucking hot" next time we do an acquisition.

Buckle up, the quants are in town

When I was a pubescent youth preaching at the Young Visicalc Enthusiast Club in Ontario, my favorite comic book was the Green Goblin. I know, I don't strike you as the kind of man who read funnies, but I was once a young boy like everyone else. The Goblin was a smart scientist and visionary, and although he had tacky accessories and a bad business plan but he managed to invent a serum that boosted his mental abilities beyond the average human. And considering how low the average joe scores, that serum must have been a piece of cake to invent.

I did try last year some experimental medication from a "consultant" scientist but it did not boost my mental abilities tenfold as printed in the brochure. It gave me a rash though.

So what I'm announcing today is a very humble thing for me to do, and to some extent it shows how human I am despite years of experience in micro-management.

I'm announcing today my decision to hire a team of quants to push the profitable growth models a notch higher, many notches in fact. It's a small team of underpaid mathematicians that I salvaged from an undisclosed Canadian university, but they are amazingly bright, they have no social life or access to social networks and ready to perform any task. Don't look them up in the company directory, they have an office with no Internet access.

Our acquisition of Stanley proved to be very complex from a spreadsheet point of view, and there are now too many variables to take into account when I want to squeeze money. For instance, should I stop reimbursing parking in the New York state because members use parking spaces that cost above what the DOT zombies consider "average parking cost"?

Or should we stop paying for soft drinks when there's a working lunch in the office, and if so how much this saving will snowball 10 years down the road considering the commodities market and expected hikes in soft drink pricing?

This is the kind of intellectual challenge that gives me goose bumps (plus other physiological effects I can't describe here), but I realize that quants will do a better job than me alone crunching numbers on my laptop.

So buckle up dear members, this is a new beginning.

What a way to start 2011

I bumped into one of my way-too-many VP this morning in the coffee room, he said he was interviewing a DBA with 10 years of experience who was interested in a position at CGI. Feeling full of energy - and wearing my favorite crossword-puzzle tie - I said I wanted to talk to this young fellow who I'm sure would be impressed to talk the CEO in person.

The guy was in his early 30s, had solid experience with Oracle and a bunch of other database-related technology. The resume looked good, meaning I could sell this guy with a fat margin to a client. But something wasn't right, and I could not pinpoint what it was. No, it was not body piercings.

I go, young man why do you want to work at CGI?

The guy goes, well it's a good company and it's making the headlines on a regular basis, new contracts, stock is up, I mean this is where I'd like to be.

I go, let me ask you a question junior, this is not your first job right? You are experienced, like Jimi used to say. What happened with your former employer?

The guy goes, name's Mitchell sir. My previous employer was a good one but my career was not going in the direction that I wanted to go. We are leaving in good terms.

I go, junior I hope I'm breaking any news to you, but you're not really managing your so-called career, I hope you know that by now right? A career is just a linear sequence of different tasks, and your employer is the one calling the shots. Anyway, what was your prior salary?

The guy says, I was making $55 000 and among my benefits I had...

Knowing where this loaded train of crap was heading, I cut short to the point and go, junior I'm offering you $50 000, and consider this a generous offer.

The guy goes, what, you're offering less than I was doing before?

I go, that's right young man, I'm not paying what the stupid market is paying, I always bid under the current price, therefore I lower my average member salary.

The guy goes, I'm worth more than 50K, I know what my skills are and if you're not willing to pay me at least $55K I'll just go elsewhere.

At that point an uncomfortable silence took place in the windowless meeting room. I just stared at the young candidate, computing how much earning he could provide me with until the end of the quarter.

After less than a minute, junior gave up. All right, $50K is a deal.

I go, let's settle for $48K then. HR will bring you the paperwork in the next 15 minutes and you'll be ready to start. You should be billable to a project within the next hour or - what's his name - Mr. VP here will take the loss personally. Right?

The VP was sweating like hell and the young DBA was livid, he goes, we had a deal for $50K, how come you're lowering your offer?

I stood up and pushed my chair. $47K, last offer.

I swear I could hear his blood pressure rising when he acknowledged. All right, all right, I get it. Where do I sign?

I gave a pat on the VP's stiff shoulder who was sitting next to me and probably mortified to hear my negotiation skills. You see, this is how we manage business here. Have a great day.

Next in line.