Nope, we're not there

The Canada's Top 100 Employers project is a national competition to determine which employers lead their industries in offering exceptional workplaces for their employees. The 2012 winners were announced on October 7, 2011 in The Globe and Mail.

As may notice, Accenture and KPMG are there, but your beloved company is not on this year's list.

As a matter of fact, CGI was among the winner in 2006 and before, and yours truly is to blame. I was weak, sometimes it happens, and I took drastic measure to ensure the "exceptional workplace" would be a thing of the past. I called the head of each business unit, inquiring about frivolous activities, perks, minutes paid that are not billable to a customer, anything that impacts the bottom line. One BU leader dared to tell me that he was bringing a box of Krispy Kreme doughnuts every Friday so that this staff could schmooze over company-paid coffee and company-paid fried pastries. In fact, he was eating one as he spoke to me.

I went ballistic.

Rumors go that this guy never ate a doughnut since '06, even at home. He claims they give him cramps ever since.

Guess what, on Dec 29th 2006 - the year CGI was among those Top 100 employers, our stock closed at 8.13. As of now, it trades at 18.82. We cleaned the barn, and our spreadsheets are now spotless.

Who's right, that wimpy contest from the Globe and Mail for weak people-oriented companies, or my iron-clad balance sheet that keep pushing upward our stock price ?

You decide. Well, not really, but you get the idea.

If Buffett's having a million-dollar lunch, so am I

I had a crazy idea this morning that got me so excited that I almost sang "We're in the money" in my shower. I hate those days, and let me tell you why.

My idea of a perfect working day is stability, predictability and the pleasantly feeling that CGI is on the rising slope to financial greatness. I hate ups and downs, because you loose precious energy negotiating all the sharp turns. Let me give you an example.

If you start your working day all giddy up and totally sure to receive a $5000 bonus from your director at lunchtime, you're bound for deception as you learn you were given a generous $2000. Especially if you drop by that expensive audio store on the way to lunch where you go for discretionary illogical spendings.

If you were heading for lunch hoping to get $1900 and you get $2000, then you get back to work on a positive note looking to build more profitable growth for the company. It's all about managing expectations.

I had this crazy idea this morning as I was going through my bowl of Corn Flakes that I could set up a business lunch in Buffett's fashion and make people pay lump sums of hard cash to hear my wisdom. If Warren can do it, well why not yours truly? This money would of course be fedexed to our corporate account to boost our next earnings. And I could repeat this eat-a-sandwich-for-a-million-with-me every quarter, I'm sure financial analysts would be impressed.

It would be a very frugal lunch of course, something from the deli across the street with tap water. Who wants a 5-martini lunch anyway, any advice you'll be given will be totally forgotten by the time to excuse yourself for a long pause at the men's room, and I'm not picking your dry cleaning bill afterward.

By 10:00am I was sure I had the greatest idea since Serge created this company.

By 10:04am I realized that this idea was deeply flawed and my excitement crashed like a greek governance bank account.

Profitable growth is wisdom that you can share with the public at a superficial level. People know what you're up to, but they don't quite know the secret to get there. It's like the Caramilk thing. So having an unknown party for lunch and opening my kimono on secret internal strategies to build profitable growth… well it would be faster to wire money to our competitors, wouldn't it?

By 10:15 I was so depressed by my own stupidity that I read a couple of 10-Qs from last financial year to try to cheer me up. Since that didn't do, I crashed into my CFO's office and grilled him on a couple of topics. Even that didn't do.

So it was a bad day. Shame on me for thinking so foolishly.

Sometimes a burger is just a burger

Dear FakeMike, your latest post outlines a profound problem in the IT industry, people are fed up with utterly complex technologies and the delusional managers who love them. It seems no IT project can evolve without turning into a huge clusterfuck with childish ego wars and dumb snake oil salesmen grabbing the client's attention. It's no wonder smart people quit their job and look for a more sensible professional life. A burger joint might not be terribly exciting, but at least the burgers don't call for a change management meeting with change request forms the minute you alter the menu. John from Calgary.

John here seems to have a point, but his limited perspective prevents him from seeing the big picture. I'd say John will never land an executive VP position, but that would be mean. Well, not really.

True, burgers won't complain when you change the menu nor they need firmware updates nor are they the subject of an “architecture” where the relationship between the burger, the fries and the large Coke is discussed at great length in relation to business requirements and best practices. Still, that's no reason to quit IT and especially your position at CGI. Unless you plan to trump Joey Chesnut, I’d stay out of the food business.

This is a typical problem with mere mortals such as John, they don't see the big picture, they cannot grasp the full extent of profitable growth so they limit their view of the world to what their senses tell them.

John sees a clusterfuck, I see a lucrative opportunity to expand and deepen a relationship with a deep-pocket customer over a 10 years period minimum.

John sees insanely complex technology, I see a fantastic opportunity to bill a large number of hours to install and configure whatever he's talking about. Since the complexity escapes everyone including the manufacturer engineers, there's no shame in charging an obscene rate.

John sees a delusional manager, I see a great potential for the firm to drop a couple of expensive "strategy advisors" in the manager's office and gear the mentally-challenged director in a direction that ultimately will lead to large contracts for us.

You see, profitable growth is in the eye of the beholder. So John, if you're unable to grasp the true reality with your limited intellect, yes maybe it's time you go flip burgers as beef patties are - exactly - a beef patties. But ask yourself this: did Ray Kroc saw just a burger or a way to revolutionize the American food industry? It's the same here, I see tremendous opportunities when all you see is tedious work and painful client relations. This is the difference between top-shelf CEOs like me (for instance) and whining guys like you.


Let me know when you're there, I can't wait to see your new outfit.

Defusing hopes of a second career

I can’t help but smirk when I hear glorious stories about IT professionals who quit the industry to “reinvent themselves” and become oddballs. You know what I’m talking about, deviants who become restaurant owners, landscaping designers and other bogus choices that make me raise an eyebrow. How many times did I secretly listen to a conversation where a DBA rants about his job and say something like “I’ll sell my clunker and start a burger joint, I mean could it be worse than this fucking project?”

People somewhat believe that it exists a more golden opportunity than IT, a secret place where happiness exists and where people can become better persons by doing what they really love.

Get out of town.

Working for a company, well not any company of course, but working for CGI is the pinnacle of any serious career. Here you will share our dream, help us on our mission to profitable growth and you’ll get plenty of training so that we can drop you on a lucrative gig for a fat client. Even your folks will be proud of you, because our company name is the newspaper. You can’t seriously hope for a better life than that, and if you do you’ll get njoyned.

It’s like people who quit their IT career to become “life coaches”, this is so freaking ridiculous that it has become a running gag in HR circles. When you check into LinkedIn and scan for those pets, you realize that their career has been so dysfunctional that these people must have a truckload of unresolved “personal issues”. Women especially. Probably divorced, unable to put a cap on their emotions, their new car is scratched bumper to bumper, they lose their ATM card 8 times a year, yet they advise you on how to run a perfect life.

Do you really think running a greasy spoon or giving advices on “life” to other wackos will be a satisfying career on the long run? Sure, flipping burgers sounds more fun than configuring a Windows server or checking firewall rules in a beige cubicle, but after a few hundred thousand patties reality will knock on your door. Happiness is not about being on your own or calling the shots, it is not about human contact, and it is definitely not about money. Whatever you’re doing today won’t make a dent in human civilization, hell nobody will remember you 150 years from now not even the taxman.

So why not be part of a larger group that will give your life structure and meaning? Your identity will be defined by our policies and processes, so you have nothing to worry about. It takes maturity and wisdom to become a company man. Join us today, and send me your resume.

Member's Column Day: On Fruitcakes

Dear FakeMike, my client is completely nuts and our team morale is sinking to new lows every day. We get conflicting messages from the director, vague scope of work and we get wacked for nothing. The client expects us to deliver unreasonable work within extra-short time, yet his own employees are doing literally nothing except smoking outside the building, chatting in the coffee room and bitching about consultants. I think the urinals get more attention from the organization than us. This is hell. Mike from BC.

What's your question young man, do you seek professional advice on lavatory equipment or are you just whining about a situation that is clearly outside your control?

Rest assured, neurosis is more prevalent inside today's organization than one might think. Doctors estimate that 20-30% of today's workforce run on prescription drugs, and we're not talking about blood pressure here. Simply said, people are just nuts. And nuttiness is not limited to the usual suspects, like government workers, CDO traders or whores. It's everywhere, in every corner where people work for a living. They have infiltrated every level, every field, regardless of salary or responsibilities. It is a global freak show.

If you ask me, I'm totally fascinated by the fact that society in general can hold itself together in one more or less coherent thing, considering the prevalence of loose-cannon control-freak delusional zombies. We should normally nail a few 2 by 4 on our door to prevent the crazy from entering our house and office, à la Vincent Price. Seriously. It's a miracle that we not enter a devolution stage and go back to the ocean where we came from in the first place. Clams do not use Sharepoint or Lotus Notes, this might be why they're so happy.

We also must understand one important aspect of being a consultant. Consultants are like whipping boys (and girls) inside a company, directors can whack them just the fun of it, they can persecute them just to make their day more enjoyable and have something to gloat about at the next meeting. Cruelty is within human nature. Project goes out of rail? Blame the consultants. Why is that so? It’s because consultants cannot complain to their union leader or HR because they are “external” resources. They are literally powerless, and nothing brings more fun to dumb people than to exploit smart people with no possible administrative rebound. It’s like crushing a cricket with your boots and saying, Oh I’m sorry little fella and then looking for more crickets.

Like I preached to you before, you must leverage from this illogical out-of-control state and leverage nuttiness to increase your billing rate. What you deliver is irrelevant, even you run in circle for years, even if the client crushes you as long as the fucker pays the invoice we send. Money talks and PSA manages. The situation won’t change. So why not build profitable growth on it? It's like manure, it stinks but it can be used to great benefits.

So pinch your nose young man, take a shovel and bill 40 hours a week. The firm will take care of the rest.

Roach out.

How are you going to fuck me?

I know, I know, I haven't been much present here for the past few weeks, things are been extremely busy even a humble top-shelf CEO like me. Rest assured, I'll continue to serve wisdom to the people and guide members through the unknowns.

Today I'd like to introduce you to a way of thinking that has served me well so far. Whenever I deal with partners, customers, government officials, whatever legal entity with which I want to expand and deepen relationships to pursue profitable growth, there's this phase which I call "the zone".

The zone is this time and place where for instance our company and a potential client with deep pockets talk about the benefits of outsourcing their IT. We had a few meetings before, we know each other at some level, and everything leads me to believe that we'll soon have a deal. There is a sufficient level of comfort for any CEO to put his guards down and ease the negotiation tactics. This is the "zone".

Whenever I enter the zone I mentally challenge myself with the question, How are they going to fuck me?

It might be crappy planning on the customer's end that lead them to believe we'll do better. Might be that their IT infrastructure is a huge clusterfuck that is just waiting to be dumped on our lap. Might be that their employees are dumber than Homer Simpson and our IT outsourcing process will force us to integrate these low-watt bulbs into our existing team.

Instead of relaxing days before signing the contract, I get this uncomfortable itch in the back of my brain because I know there's a big fucktrap somewhere and I haven't seen it yet.

I therefore double my efforts, well I actually delegate some of it, to find how the customer/partner/government body will try to plant seeds of unprofitable growth into the deal. 95% of the time I manage to find the flaw before it's too late.

Of course there's a bunch of long faces the day we sign the deal, as the other party discovers a collection of interesting new sections in the contract. They realize the fucktrap has been discovered, yet they sign the deal to save their honour.

Friends, we live in an era where trust is a vintage value from a bygone era. Everyone is trying to fuck someone, and whenever this happens it is a direct hit on the bottom line. Better save yourself from disgrace and negative quarters, and next time you're about to enter a deal ask yourself this priceless question:

How are they going to fuck me?

How grateful

It has dipped a bit below $20 to take its breath, but our stock is on its way to stardom. I mean, last time we hit that high it was Y2K hysteria and Netscape was 5 years old. Financial analysts once again are awaking from their deep coma and realize that we've been telling the truth all the time and they decided to upgrade us from "dull" to "divinely attractive"

Yours truly is of course the main actor behind this success, although I try to keep a humble profile and stay "in character". You won't see me driving a Ferrari to work and moon the innocent pedestrian to showcase irrational exuberance in line with our financial statements.

Nevertheless, I am a bit disappointed by the lack of feedback from my dear profitable members. I mean, I don't expect to be treated like the winning SuperBowl coach (don't pour Gatorade on my suit, I'll kill you), but you know I'd love to receive a couple of e-mails that say Boss, ya know all that crap about profitable growth, well you were right, I know we're being neglected and paid very little, but I can now go to sleep and know it is for a greater good.

No nothing. Not a single thank you. Let me refresh my Outlook. No. Zilch.

I don't get no respect to quote the late Rodney, but it's okay. Sigh.

Buckle up, the quants are in town

When I was a pubescent youth preaching at the Young Visicalc Enthusiast Club in Ontario, my favorite comic book was the Green Goblin. I know, I don't strike you as the kind of man who read funnies, but I was once a young boy like everyone else. The Goblin was a smart scientist and visionary, and although he had tacky accessories and a bad business plan but he managed to invent a serum that boosted his mental abilities beyond the average human. And considering how low the average joe scores, that serum must have been a piece of cake to invent.

I did try last year some experimental medication from a "consultant" scientist but it did not boost my mental abilities tenfold as printed in the brochure. It gave me a rash though.

So what I'm announcing today is a very humble thing for me to do, and to some extent it shows how human I am despite years of experience in micro-management.

I'm announcing today my decision to hire a team of quants to push the profitable growth models a notch higher, many notches in fact. It's a small team of underpaid mathematicians that I salvaged from an undisclosed Canadian university, but they are amazingly bright, they have no social life or access to social networks and ready to perform any task. Don't look them up in the company directory, they have an office with no Internet access.

Our acquisition of Stanley proved to be very complex from a spreadsheet point of view, and there are now too many variables to take into account when I want to squeeze money. For instance, should I stop reimbursing parking in the New York state because members use parking spaces that cost above what the DOT zombies consider "average parking cost"?

Or should we stop paying for soft drinks when there's a working lunch in the office, and if so how much this saving will snowball 10 years down the road considering the commodities market and expected hikes in soft drink pricing?

This is the kind of intellectual challenge that gives me goose bumps (plus other physiological effects I can't describe here), but I realize that quants will do a better job than me alone crunching numbers on my laptop.

So buckle up dear members, this is a new beginning.

Let GIB Grow!

Dear members, with the spirit of Christmas upon us and your generous profit-sharing bonus under the tree, I thought it would be a great time to introduce a company-sponsored song so that CGI members across the world celebrate the end of a very profitable year. A couple of sourpusses will complain that this is a brain-washing technique used to assimilate the mind of less-experienced members. Those backward-thinking employees are tagged into our system and as a result they receive 25% less bonus than members who share our vision of profitable growth.

So on Christmas eve when everyone will be slightly buzzed from the effect of alcohol and with their guards down, go sing this song in front of everyone. Chances are, they'll call their broker to purchase some shares to put in their children's stockings.

Oh the market outside is frightful

But our members are so resourceful

And since they have no place to go

Let GIB Grow ! Let GIB grow! Let GIB grow!!

It doesn't show signs of stopping

And I've brought some charts for planning

The salaries are turned way down low

Let GIB Grow ! Let GIB grow! Let GIB grow!!

When our clients finally kiss goodbye

How I hate to inflict any harm

But if you continue to bill them tight

On the way to the bank I'll be warm

Other IT firms are slowly dying

And next year we will be buying

But as long as our earnings grow

Let GIB Grow ! Let GIB grow! Let GIB grow!!

See you in 2011. Drive safely, I need you to bill next year.

Do you see the light?

If Evil himself recently tempted you with a tantalizing job offer and vague promises of a better future outside the realm of GIB.TO, it's time to refocus on your core values and re-read the Gospel of Serge. Thou shall bill 40 hours a week and be happy about it. Or Thou shall not send your embellished resume to competitors.

Our founding father gave a passionate speech titled "Built to grow and last" on Dec. 14 at the Chateau Frontenac in Quebec City, and it you had your share of doubts this speech would have restored your faith in CGI and its values. Serge is hyper-active these days, he'd been aloof for a while but it's like the the Stanley acquisition has put new lithium batteries and a 6-pack of Full Throttle in him. He's on a mission for profitable growth and he's unstoppable.

I could not attend this specific speech, but when I do I always enjoy standing in the dark and watch people's face as they read Serge's PowerPoint slides. There is always a fair share of clueless veggies at those meetings who are just there to show their asses and pretend they are on top on business, you know who they are. They quote Gartner Group. They like to attend $5000 seminars aimed at "decision makers" where a self-proclaimed luminary tells rosy stories about the future of technology 10 years from now. If you're sitting next to them, they show you their iPad and first thing they demo you is a stupid game. You know, these guys. They talk all the time. They never decided for anything in their lives. Them.

But there are a few individuals who react like 1977 geeks who saw Star Wars for the very first time. Whoa, dude. A feeling of aw and wonder, they beam with a youthful enthusiasm as they suddenly realize they can outsource their entire IT department to us and focus on their core business processes.

We'll get rid of all our IT dorks for the next 10 years, this is what I've been waiting for, I'll outsource all these fucking douche bags to and we'll clear the entire floor. It'll cost a fortune but I don't care I can build a business case with any shit. I'll then be able to manoeuvre and put forth my political agenda.

Please note dear members, the $67.73 ticket price for Serge's speech CANNOT be put on your expense report, if you do your director will whack you. If your director approves this expense he'll get whacked by me in person, and trust me the last thing you want as a director is an e-mail from me. I don't speak directly to employees at such a low level unless it's for giving them hell and instructions to pack their things.

Wait a minute.

Sorry, I've just been told that this lunch invitation was for new and existing clients with whom we want to deepen and expand our relationship. Real deep. It was not for members.

Now get back to work.

On the bench? Think Kyrgyzstan!

Good news! Our company just won a lucrative 5-year contract to support the Kyrgyzstan Border Service against transnational threats!

That means we desperately need some voluntary folks to fulfill our duties to this former Soviet state, the 2nd poorest country of Central Asia. Don't worry, it's the safest place east of Montreal, I've been told the Kyrgyzstan's border is one cool place to hang out and those "transnational threats" are just one of those things. Rumors at best.

I'd love you fill you in about this project but I'm reviewing the list of members rotting on the bench and I'm selecting those who will participate on this 5-year mission. To explore strange new Turkish worlds, to seek out new earnings and profitable growth, to boldly bill where no one has gone before!

No security clearance is required but you will have to go through a short training program to handle automatic weapons. Don't worry, it's just there might be coyotes roaming during the night and adequate protection on your side will lower the turnover rate on the project.

Roach out.

One more tour, fellas

It's something I've grown to be more uncomfortable every year, but if we don't do it our members will think something is wrong with upper management. And it's not the jet lag or the crappy airport food that bothers me. What irks me about our annual tour is the constant reminders that we have to share with our business units, much like a father visiting his offsprings and having to teach them that excessive partying does not pave the way for a successful life.

I've talked to Serge about having a different kind of annual tour, where business unit leaders would visit ME instead of me touring the fucking world. I mean, did the King of France or England take the time to tour his country every year? No, all the Lords had to visit the king and disclose their financial performance and strategy to increase state revenues. Kings had to build huge war chests, I have to increase available cash and credit line to pursue more acquisitions. Kings chopped the heads of those who disagreed, I simply write a pink slip.

Serge being a sentimental guy, he likes to tour the world and have a good time. Me, I'd rather stay home crunching numbers.

So we agreed to crisscross the globe one more time, but we'll spend more time in U.S. cities where our newly acquired members from Stanley will build profitable growth. We need to be on the same page when it comes to expenses, and this is where my pen is mightier than the sword of the Kind of England. Yankees have this perspective of a French Canadian company where we enjoy the good life and have a very laid back approach. La joie de vivre, they say.

How little they know me.

Our annual tour is more like an annual crusade, where we restore financial control and HR discipline - German style - throughout the company. We inquire about why a particular business unit ranks below our financial objective, and if the explanations do not make sense - they rarely do - we sack the management team on the spot. Internally, we call this an Operation London Tower. If a business unit meets or exceeds the financial objectives, we congratulate them (briefly) and then we grill them on their plan to surpass themselves for the next fiscal year.

Now that you increased your revenues by 15%, you need to achieve 20% more next year. Cap your raises to 1%, yet maintain a turnover rate below 5%.

Sometimes, these bastards were just lucky with good market timing and they camouflage luck with their inflated capabilities, my sixth sense is quickly able to part bull from real talent. A market downturn is not an excuse to show lower revenues, only sissies would do that.

The key is not to have emotions. Those who do can't pursue profitable growth and are marred with difficult situations. Only by shedding all feelings from financial statements can one make an enlighten decision.

Members Column Day: Attitude and Career

Dear FakeMike, I’m a 45-years-old change management specialist and I’ve been posted on a deep-space assignment where the firm has literally no presence. This comes following a meeting with the head of my BU where I challenged the firm’s way of doing things. My client totally ignores my recommendations and they just let me rot on this 3-year contract, it’s a government agency so they don’t really care. The director ignores my requests to be relocated elsewhere. What should I do? Olivia from Boston

Dear Liv, I’m truly sorry to hear you suffer from social redraw syndrome but let me assure you that your contribution to the bottom line is not ignored and you will be rewarded accordingly. Let me check here, well you did not bring much this year, hey I see here that you’ll be getting a 1% increase this Christmas, you’re one lucky gal.

You complain about loneliness when you should be asking yourself the following question: what have you done to increase our presence at this client? How are working hard enough? Are you coasting through this gig just to rake salary or are you thinking about the firm? Maybe your lonely presence over there is the end result of a long career where your ego – not the firm – took center stage. Your VP noticed that you ignored profitable growth and you did not integrate the firm’s DNA into your way of doing things, and as a result you were sent in the corner of the class.

Government gigs are reserved for subpar consultants, I hope you know that don’t you?

Brown nosing is probably not your cup of tea, this might explain why you’re not a director at your somewhat advanced age. You know, your skills are worth nothing if you cannot schmooze with your business unit top brass. How often did you e-mail your bosses about brilliant idea to dramatically increase revenues while lowering expenses by 5% ? How much free time did you give your BU this year? Let me check PSA here... well, let me just say you did everything for being unnoticed.

This I think it your problem, you’re one selfish little brat. Let me call your VP, I’ll make sure you stay there for a loooong time sweetie. Get used to the gloomy faces working next to you. And don't even think about sending your resume to your contacts, you'll get njoyned real hard..

You have questions about your career in IT consulting? Send your thoughts at fake mike roach at gmail dot com.

The Future

Last Friday I was sitting in my office with a cup of coffee and I was looking through the window. It was a cold, rainy day in Montreal, a fierce wind was blowing and people walked quickly in the streets below, hanging on their umbrella for fear of having a bad hair day. Delivery trucks were blocking the few available parking spots. Fast moving grey clouds were caressing the sky, a few fearless birds were attempting to fly through cross-winds. Cold rain sprayed the windows like German machine guns on Juno beach. The whole scene screamed October.

Since it was the last day of the week, it was easy to guess what was going through the people’s mind. I must submit my time sheet before I leave, if not my manager will yell at me. Or Did my boss really notice how hard I worked this week? Or even I wonder if anyone will notice if I leave at 4pm?

It’s sometimes funny to think that a hundred years from now none of this will matter. We’ll add be dead for one thing, unless that crazy guy in Albuquerque manages to clone me for the benefit of future generations. I’ll give him a call after this post.

Some of the trees down below will still be there, some others will have died from old age. All the cars – even the newest ones – will be rotting in a junk yard 25 years from now. Your performance reports will be deleted just like you will be. Everything here is of transient nature, and chances are members who will be walking these streets in 2110 will have no knowledge of those whose feet walked the same sidewalk a century earlier.

Not that it matters really, lessons of the past are largely ignored by everyone. People are so consumed by their materialistic needs and limited view of the world that wisdom is out of fashion. Who has time to read Twain anyway these days? Take a Gen Y person and offer him to choose between a lifetime of wisdom and a PlayStation, you can bet your shirt the world will run out of consoles by lunch.

Or go scan recent comments posted by your Facebook “friends” and you will realize how shallow and empty most people are. I’m so bored right now. The opposite would be a total surprise. I drank way too much last night, you should see my bathroom. Don’t take this the wrong way, but no thanks. I love Lady gaga so much. Slim Whitman, Hank Williams, anyone? I’m having Cheetos right now. Really, how were you able to get those?

This is why I devote my existence to building a corporation that will outlive its annoying members and its pesky shareholders, and profitable growth is the key to the future. Future members might be able to visualize holograms of our 2010 Annual Tour in vivid details, all available in the intranet assuming IE6 does not live through the 22nd century. They’ll remember fondly the cozy college-like atmosphere when CGI was under 500,000 employees. I expect an extreme version of SERA to jack into our member’s brain through a wireless interface so we can monitor billable time by the second. Ah, the future.

For now, hard rain is falling but climatic adversity is just an inspiration for me. Let’s get back to work.

See you in August

Even yours truly has to take some time off to recharge, the past year has been exhausting. Our annual tour with the Crazy Mumbai IT Dancers. Dealing with low-grade politicians. And of course our acquisition of Stanley Tools which should be officially a done deal next week.

If you dare to take some vacations, please carve some time to reflect on your career expectations. Are they too high? Ask yourself, should I settle into something that I can convince myself that it'll make me happy? If CGI gives you a 1% raise this year, should you consider this a real tangible token of appreciation? Maybe so, money is a rare commodity. One sure thing, you can be a better person if you stop whining about your director, about PSA, about internal rules. Everyone does that, so differentiate yourself from the whining crowd and start working. 65 hours a week can't kill you, I'm the living proof of that.

See you in August, and maybe profitable growth be with you.

Hansel & Gretel, Revisited

Following the release of "Three Little Pigs, Revisited", I decided once again to devote a significant portion of my busy CEO schedule to educating youngsters out there. Education is of prime importance.

Hansel and Gretel were the poor children of an uneducated woodcutter who could not be hired as a billable IT worker. The father - who we now know has a very poor judgement - decided to increase his personal difficulties by marrying an evil 2nd wife.

The father tried to make ends meet but his lack of financial knowledge, lack of general education and lack of good taste in women pushed him against the wall. The evil step-mother, despite all her sins, knew how to work a balance sheet. She took a hard look at her husband quarterly earnings, general expenses, woodcutting tools amortization and child-specific expenses. She applied some technical analysis only to conclude that the children could not be afforded anymore.

Since children could not easily be traded for other goods in those days/markets, the step-mother convinced her mildly retarded husband to abandon the kids in the woods. By suppressing an important part of their family budget, they could feed themselves in the future, afford a more comfortable housing and hopefully purchase common stocks of an important Canadian IT firm on the profitable growth path (wink, wink).

Hansel, aware of the financial cutback plan, left a trail of pebbles back to the house so he and his sister find their way back home. The step-mother was angry and locked the two children up for the night with only a loaf of bread and water (more expenses).

The next night, the woodcutter attempts the same plan again; this time Hansel left s a trail of bread-crumbs but they got eaten by hungry birds and the two children got lost in the woods. Readers may know question Hansel's ability to achieve management position, when you succeed at something with basic tools (pebbles), why do you switch strategies by using perishable goods (crumbs).

After wandering around and constantly whining about their situation, Hansel and Gretel stumbled across a house made of gingerbread and other confectionery. Despite the fact that gingerbread is a very poor choice of material for housing and would not pass inspection by a City employee, Hansel and Gretel were very hungry and began to eat it.

The gingerbread house was owned by an evil old witch who was probably also mildly retarded. If your business plan involves kidnapping teutonic kids, why do you build a trap in the middle of the forest? I mean, it's not like school busses full of raucous kids go through there on a daily basis. Poor execution strategy, I say.

The witch trapped Hansel in a cage and forced Gretel to do the housework, continually sweeping the floor. Although the latter choice provides a good maintenance on assets (although perishable ones as we now know), it is unclear why Hansel was trapped into a cage. The witch could have sold Hansel to the slave market for one lump sum, or better yet lease the young fellow as a cleaning consultant to other houses in the forest. This way, the witch would have enjoyed a clean house (thanks to Gretel) and fixed income (thanks to Hansel).

The witch, unable to foresee a long term plan and sustainable revenues, fed Hansel lots of food with the intention of eating him. The idea that overfeeding Hansel costs more than the amount of food that he could provide as a meal did not cross her deranged mind at that point. Eventually the witch turned on the oven with the intention of roasting her only source of revenue. She was completely nuts, her financial decision made no sense. Gretel came up behind her and kicked her into it, shut the door firmly and padlocked it.

The witch died at 425 degrees Fahrenheit according to the autopsy.

Hansel and Gretel hang around in the house for a couple of days despite the screams and strong burning odor coming out of the oven, eating the sweets and paving their future as diabetics. They found some valuable gold coins, and some monthly statement from Investors' Group where the witch held a few bad mutual funds.

Once they were convinced that the witch was completely burned, they grabbed their hard-won assets (just the gold, not the mutual funds), packed some gingerbread for the road and successfully found their way home and were met by their ecstatic father. He tells them that his evil wife is dead (no word on how, leaving H&G very suspicious about their dad's mental state) and they were now rich because of the gold coins' value.

Hansel & Gretel decided to sue their father for child cruelty, the verdict came quickly and the poor bastard is sent to a Federal pound-me-in-the-ass facility. Next, the brother and sister successfully invested in selected Canadian IT companies that provide no dividend but have spectacular financial results (wink, wink) and make their capital grow by 20% each year. They convinced the judge that the witch property be given to them as a token of justice, and the judge happily gave it to them - tax free.

They all live happily ever after.

Members Column Day: More Facebook Rants

My post on Facebook brought some interesting e-mails, one of which deserves a spot here.

FakeMike, your recent post on Facebook is a bit harsh, maybe it's time that corporations such CGI embrace Twitter, Facebook, wikis and other modern communication tools. If we were living in 1960, you'd probably bitch about electric typewriters. Don't be such a stiff. Corporations need to update themselves with the latest technology in order to survive. Michel from Saguenay.

First, let me clarify my thoughts on what people call "social networks". It serves to real purpose as far as I can tell. Catching up with friends should be done by expressing more than 140 characters, unless you're a soldier ambushed in a muddy trench with a Panzer about to roll over you, in which case short messages are acceptable. Our media relation people have set up a Twitter account recently because journalists apparently requested this, I don't know the extent to which they use this, but judging from the popularity of the CGI Facebook page the Twitter wire must be very quiet. Jee, one more person joined our Facebook page since yesterday, this is heavy traffic.

I'm investigating cases where CGI employees posts irrelevant thoughts on Facebook during daytime, what they had for lunch, what sock color they picked they dressed, how many Q-tips they use on a weekly basis, but most often what is their boredom level. This is highly strange, life in IT should be as exciting as surfing a giant wave in Hawaii, I don't understand how people get bored. Complaining about your boredom won't take it away, you know, maybe boredom is just a signal that you should spot opportunities for the company and transform them into profitable growth.

Let me tell you a story. When I was a younger man, I was distributing newspapers door to door in my native Pembroke. Winters were colder than in Vladivostok, summers were muggy and fly-infested, and I used the same pair of shoes from age 12 to 18. Whenever there was a hole in them, I would patch them with tar and old newspapers. To help me in my run, I had a 1-speed bicycle whose paint was completely sunburned. I got bitten by dogs a few times, not the puddle kind mind you. When my run was done, I would borrow a copy of the Globe&Mail and I would scan the business section for stocks at attractive price. Simply put, I earned my money the hard way and never complained. Look at where I stand today.

Today, a young man distributing newspapers will take 2 dozen pictures on his cell phone during his morning run and post them to Facebook, only to complain about such and such. He'll wear brand new $240 sneakers and use the most expensive iPod available. His idea of investing is buying the latest Xbox 360 because it displays gory graphics much faster. He'll whine and whine and whine about his parents decision NOT to buy him a new car at age 16. Where do you think this lazy bum will be 25 years from now? If I had to take a bet, I'd say he'll be a unionized janitor addicted to Ritalin.

This is my issue with all this newer technology. It's not used to the right end. It's not used to make you smarter, it's actually being used to make use more dumb and irresponsible. If you don't have a Facebook page, create one and let your so-called friends find you. Watch their on-line bahavior. Try to figure out when they have time to do real work.

And try to look for a Facebook page promoting profitable growth. If you find one, let me know.

Case closed. Roach out.

Critics and criticism

I've been heavily criticized during the past few days on this transaction, market analysts say that CGI is unable to grow and has to purchase competitors at a premium in order to become a larger company. Some speculate that this acquisition has been done for the sole purpose of increasing our share price for an upcoming acquisition. Some even speculate that I came from an alternate universe with an agenda to overthrow the universe-as-we-know-it.

Here's what a blogger had to say about us.

Though the stock has been performing pretty well recently, I believe we are fast getting to the “sell” point. CGI has been very good at controlling expenses to drive profit. This stands to reason since CGI’s CEO really is a COO. However, at some point, you reach the limit of what can be cut out of the expense base. CGI is reaching that point. It is time for CGI to deliver some solid organic revenue growth – especially in the commercial sector in the U.S. In many ways, CGI in the U.S. resembles the old AMS organization in that it’s solid in government but totally sucks in the commercial market. That shouldn’t be surprising as the U.S. management team is pretty much exclusively old AMS. As such, they don’t have a good grasp on what it takes to win large long-term managed services (i.e., outsourcing) agreements. As I understand it, CGI’s best outsourcing executive in the U.S. left the company several years ago and the effect has been striking; CGI has become a total non-factor which is verified by CGI’s results in the U.S. commercial outsourcing space. CGI needs to invest in rebuilding the capability to once again become a player in the outsourcing market to drive long term organic revenue growth. The question is whether the COO (sorry, CEO) will sacrifice some short term profit for long term growth. I don't hold much hope for that. So, maybe it's time to sell?

Dude, this hurts.

The Relentless Pursuit of Unhappiness

Here's another nugget of management wisdom for all managers-wannabe out there, and it's free so consider yourself very lucky. This advice goes pretty much against what management textbooks are saying, but it is the absolute truth. Never doubt The Roach. Ready?

Here it is: Employees do not have to be happy for your business to be efficient and profitable, in fact the state of happiness has to be avoided. Are you stunned now? If you're still with me at this point and you're not looking frantically for a Prozac in your drawer or purse, read on.

Generally speaking, employees' state of mind can be categorized on the following scale: happy, disillusioned, disgruntled.

Of course you don't want your staff to be totally disgruntled, because at that point they are updating their resumes and actively calling competitors to see if there are openings. Simply put, your revenues might tank during the next quarter because of their resignation. That is bad. Sure, you'll always be able to find other deadbeats to fill the spot, cheaper ones probably, but I gotta admit it's a lot of work to hire someone, and this activity cannot be billed to any client. The attention of any decent manager should be on delivering outstanding financial results, not interviewing Gen Y slackers who are just shopping around for perks.

The ideal balance is between disillusioned and disgruntled, simply because employees are not pissed off enough to go shop elsewhere, they still plan to remain employed by you, but at the same time they are not happy due to (insert your favourite reason here). It's a limbo state with just the right dose of unhappiness.

This stage to me is the perfect balance, as employees do not cost too much and yet they are billable to customers and provide a nice fat revenue stream. Your HR team should be able to provide you with the standard salary let's say for an analyst with 10 years of experience, for instance $60K. You then must pay between $50K and $55K, no more than that, so the analyst will be slightly pissed off but $5K is not enough for him to jump ships. You see what I mean? Of course you need to publicly say that you are offering salaries that are "in line with market conditions", which is the BS line that gets you covered. Nobody wants to be in line with market conditions, there's always this spread.

If you continue to go on the scale, you enter a state where employees are basically happy. Salaries are above market conditions, work is fun, they have nothing to complain about. This is really really bad from a management standpoint, because this means your staff is costing you too much. Sure, your turnover rate might dip below 5%, but trust me this is not the way to build profitable growth. You cannot short happiness. It's just a bleeding hole that requires attention. You need to trim the benefits and raises the next quarter and enforce new policies to reduce expenditure.

Once you understand this very basic concept, you'll understand why all the retards on Glassdoor systematically complain about their salaries / conditions / environment. They're blowing off steam, they vent their frustrations but they are not sending their resumes. The subtext is that their manager is actually doing a fine job - hence they work for a great company. Go buy their stock now.

The Three Little Pigs, Revisited

I've decided to address the younger crowd today by coming up with a nice story about profitable growth. It's never too early to teach good values.

This is the story of three little pigs whose mother decided they were old enough to earn a living by themselves. She was tired of cooking and cleaning and dreamed of a better future under the sun. So she sent out the three little pigs to seek their fortune.

The first pig created a gaming company whose multi-platform product was supposed to take the world by storm. It was a cash intensive business, the pig had to hire many specialists to produce something that could compete with the major players. The pig used angel money at first, but he then had to go through a costly 2nd round of financing before the product was ready to be marketed. His board of directors were old-school pigs, they did not understand the gaming business at all, and much less the mobile market.

The pig applied for R&D government grants, but the process was long and tedious. He had to explain 20 times what his innovative ideas were about down the smallest details, and the government workers were completely clueless about the gaming industry. He was able to secure $60 000 in grants, but the whole process consumed more money in time than the grant provided.

The first pig soon ran out of money and his gaming company filed for Chapter 11 and its assets were bought at an auction by a large game company owned by a rich wolf. Massive funds were then injected to promote the game and it grossed $500M in sales the next year. The wolf - an accomplished peddler - was then able to secure government grants in no time to develop another version, now that risks were bar none.

The second pig thought he was wiser than his younger brother and went to start a hardware company. According to the business plan, the gizmo would rival everything ever created by Apple, RIM or Sony, it would make a dent in the gadget universe. The pig even had a foam mock-up for which he paid with his own money. The pig sent his business plan to a VC firm managed by a wolf with a well-known reputation . The wolf said, "Little pig, little pig, let me come in." and the VC firm closed a round of financing where the pig was now a minority shareholder. The wolf provided funds on a monthly basis to pay for salaries and basic expenses, and the pig was under enormous pressure to turn a profit even though he could not market his product due to lack of funds. All marketing expenses were questioned by wolf, who expected the gadget to sell "just by itself" because it was good. After a while, the second pig sold everything to a Chinese company for a song.

The third pig had a different perspective on seeking fortune. He first sold himself as a consultant to a local government agency. He didn't know shit, but he quickly learned the lingo. After a while, he was able to detect more needs and wanted to grow his business. He hired his 2 younger brothers and billed top rate for their services. The client was quite happy by the pigs' services, there was a large budget for IT consulting services and the third pig was able to hire more piggy consultants from local competitors. Rapidly enough, the 3rd pig was spending all his time growing his business instead of working in a cubicle. His business was certified ISO 9001, allowing him to bid on more important projects.

The 3rd pig retained 100% of his business despite the fact that he was now employing 250 piggies. He received offers from competitors but turned them down. He had a vision where he would become the number one IT consulting provider in his country. The 3rd pig bought smaller less ambitious competitors and went through an IPO (ticker was HAM) to raise more cash.

At some point the 3rd pig acquired the wolf's business, money was just to sweet the wolf was tired of harassing young entrepreneurs.

The 3rd pig then structured his business for the long run. He was past 5,000 employees when he deployed SAP, opened new business units in different geographical locations, and created a centralized management team. Company values were teached to newcomers, there was a strong HR team in place and hundreds of forms and procedures. Despite all the goodness that the 3rd piggy had put in place, the turnover was above 15%. Even his 2 younger brothers had left the company, seems there were pissed off by some company policy.

Nevermind, the 3rd pig said, there will be others.