Bachand explains how the universe will collapse before the next election

The King of Creative Accounting is seen here as he explains that the universe will eventually collapse into a sphere the size of a melon, at which point fundamental particles will break down and everything will turn into a warm bowl of quarks.  Raymond was quick to demonstrate that the public debt will not matter at this point, whatever will remain of Moody's will be irrelevant and - most importantly - everyone will be happy.  So go spend your discretionary money while there's still time, he said.

A few journalists scratched their head but no one challenged the physics behind this.

Happy Raymond then explained to this fans in a casual tone that the annual deficit - not the debt - is apparently lower than expected.  This comes as a total surprise, considering that he raised the provincial tax by 2 points during the past 24 months, that he also raised taxes on gasoline, that wines & spirits sold by the Quebec government are prohibitively expensive, just to name a few things.  Ray then reassured everyone that his administration was the best thing on Earth.

Er.

Imagine yourself on a cruise, as you sip a gin tonic on the upper deck you hear the sound of the captain's voice on the speaker.  The ship has hit an iceberg and iced water is rushing inside the hull.  Some harsh critics on board theorize that the ship could be sinking, considering that water cannot enter a ship indefinitely, but the entire staff reassures passengers that everything is under control.  To prove the point, captain Raymond "The Unsinkable" Bachand holds a small press conference in the ballroom.

"There are good news", says the jolly captain.  "We managed to patch some of the holes and the ship is now sinking at a lower rate".  Everyone in the audience gives the captain a round of applause.  "It's true that we used body parts from casualties to fill those holes, but is was limited to middle class passengers.  It is normal to ask of those to contribute their fair share so the ship doesn't go down.  Rest assured, lower class passengers will not be asked to contribute".  The crowd erupted in joy.

"But there's more!" says Captain Bachand.  "We dispatched more staff with buckets in the lower decks, and everyone is hard at work to remove the water.  Within the next 2 years we should be able to evacuate as much water out as it is coming in, this will be a terrific achievement!"

The crowd cheered and raised their glasses of champagne to the well-being of the smart commander of the ship, and sang loudly : Ride, captain ride, upon your mystery ship.  Be amazed, at the friends, you have here on your trip.

Find your lifejacket before the government prohibits them.

That sinking feeling

Curly knows the end is coming sooner than expected.  Despite his limited intellect, he is able to foresee that his administration is sinking faster than the Bismarck.   He's being butt-fucked by all the students on strike, cops are being severely beaten by students, violence is rampant all over Montreal, and stories of mobs getting juicy public contracts make headlines every day .  

But Curly remains cool as a cucumber.  This guy could swim in a deep pool of manure and yet retain a fresh smell afterward and make jokes about it.

Even Happy Raymond, seen here on the left, plays Angry Birds because he knows the end of time is coming.   Or maybe he's texting some buddies because he does not understand how to read a balance sheet.  Probably the former, he does not give a shiitake about finance anyway.  

Education minister Lyne Beauchamp, on the right, is wondering what fat job she could land after her political career will be over.  Maybe some comfy chair in Paris like many of her predecessors, dealing with "cultural exchange" between Quebec and France, where you can get paid top dollar to host lavish parties, talk rubbish and not be accountable for anything.  Who knew a degree in psychology could get her so far?  

When you look at them in the eyes, you come to the same conclusion: these guys could not care less.  They fucked the system and milked it for all it's worth, the next administration will do the same until the Final Collapse.  That Greek moment when money talks and everything else is muted by the sheer force of reality.  

Do you understand when I say that these clowns could not last a minute inside a public company where every dollar we earn, every penny we pay you is analyzed by Wall Street and impacts our stock price before the market close?  These politicians could not even clean the lavatory, because it requires a clear and unequivocal understanding of "clean" and "dirty".

I asked my top lieutenants to review Project Exodus.  Business continuity at CGI cannot be impacted by political turmoil.  

The end is near.  But keep working.

Pardon my French

One reader was kind enough to remind me of this priceless quote from Happy Raymond and included the link above.

As we're watching Greece, the U.S. and other deficit-prone countries spiral toward their financial death, it's comforting to remind ourselves that Curly and his financially-challenged ministers are in the driver's seat.

Ain't got no place to lay your head

Government creditors came and took your bed

Don't worry, be happy

Standard & Poors say your rent is late

They may have to litigate

Don't worry, be happy

Dear God, please kill me.

The Prince of Financial Darkness is now asking for the opinion of ordinary citizens in light of the upcoming 2011-2012 Quebec budget. It's like Charles Manson being asked to give the keynote at a pro-life event or Don Cherry advising customers at Harry Rosen.

I mean, I could pretend I care about my employees opinion and ask them what direction my company should take, but I don't. I'm the farging CEO. I'm being paid to take decisions and lead this organizations toward financial nirvana (for the shareholder, that is).

So SuperRaymond launched a "prebudget consultation" on his Web site, except this sucker had no money to put an English version along the French version. C'est la vie. Look at him in the picture above. Would you buy a used car from this man?

I spent about 15 minutes surfing this electronic goulash that bears more resemblance to early draft of Politburo propaganda than sound financial plans backed by a solid understanding of the situation. Happy Raymond wants to be a reassuring figure, all your social benefits define who you really are and your tightly-managed government is working days and nights to preserve this by doing creative accounting. This uber-crap could be convincing after 6 glasses of wine, but no one with at least a 2-digit IQ will fall for this.

Oh, by the way, we learned earlier this week that 30 government departments in Quebec spent $1.7M in contract services to water the fucking plants in their office. You know those plants, you could water them with your personal fluids or old coffee pots and they could thrive. Revenue Quebec spent $173 000 just to take care of those plants, and guess which smart ass leads this frugal organization? None other than The King of Happiness himself!

Anyway, go take a look if you read French and don't accuse me if you suffer from intellectual dysentery after that. How much taxpayer dollar went into this mess, Ray?

IT is better than politics

I don't want to start any false rumors, but I've been told the chronic mismanagement of the current liberal administration in Quebec is having a major toll on the health of some highly perched politicians.

I watched Curly in the news last week and he was pale as a ghost, his double-chin dangling at every word. This was not the picture of a man following a healthy regimen and sleeping well at night. What can I say, you are the product of your own decisions.

A few minutes after the Scary Curly Show, we learned about the resignation of the president of FTQ Construction, a powerful labor union involved with many public infrastructure projects whose cost double every 6 months. The former president claims the mafia has infiltrated every corner of the industry. Great.

In related news, Happy Raymond (shown here) was talking about his prostate to a CBC reporter after being grilled about the negative effect of raising the sales tax from 7.5% to 8.5%. Look at his gloomy unhealthy face. What's funny about Ramone (well it's not funny) is that everybody profoundly hate his guts. Fiscally responsible advocates hate him because he increases taxes to fund deficient social programs whose cost is skyrocketing. Left-wing nuts and union junkies hate him because his higher-tax policy is impacting everyone, not just the filthy rich who make more than $65K a year.

I mean, it's impossible to please everyone, but to displease everyone and run a fucking huge deficit you have to... well you have to be Raymond. In case your short term memory has erased that priceless quote, this is the guy who claimed that the prime objective of a democratic government is NOT to balance a budget but to make people happy.

I'll miss this guy when he'll be gone.

Dear members, your life in a dimly lit cubicle is 1,000,000 times better than the life of some public figures. Happiness is being able to leave work at work, something middle managers, CEOs and drug dealers simply can't do. Configuring a domain server is piece of cake (I've been told), so enjoy the easy life.

Don't worry, be happy, and fill your time sheet with 40+ hours of billable work.

$3.1B Deficit = Good News

I can't resist to poke fun at easy targets like Happy Raymond, he reminds me of a kid in high school who thought communism was the solution to all problems. We challenged him for the fun of listening to his incoherent speech and obscure references to early 20th century Russia, and then we threw a paperback copy of Animal Farm in his backpack.

The Grand Master of Smoke & Mirrors was proud to announce yesterday that the 2009-2010 deficit is only $3.1B instead of the earlier $4.2B forecast. Man, that is excellent news, I feel much better. But wait a minute, how can your forecasts be off by $1.1B? When Wall Street guesses our earnings, there are not off by 9 or 10 figures, don't they?

Happy Raymond has an answer for everything, that's what makes him a so talented politician. "The economy growth was much stronger than expected" he said. That was easy! So when Quebec's deficit will dip a billion south of forecasts, Joyful Raymond will answer "The economy proved to be weaker than expected".

Do you realize now that any smiling retard with a union background can act as Finance Minister in this province?

Now the good part. The debt will go from $163B in 2010 to close to $200B in 2014-15, and this beloved administration has raised its burn rate by a whopping 5.2% this year alone! That's like sinking at warp speed. Or bleeding 2 gallons of blood a second. Blissful Raymond was quick to provide a thorough analysis. It is a serious situation. Thanks Ray, it's good to know you have things under control.

I'm calling a few buddies over at Moody's and S&P, it's time for the circus to end and close the curtain. If anyone can convince these guys to lower the credit rate of Quebec and stop the ongoing party, it's me.

Roach out.

The Master of Unprofitable Growth

Happy Raymond is still in denial or he's full of it, you decide. The Conference Board of Canada stated that unless drastic actions are taken now, Quebec will dig its financial grave by $45 billions CAD each year just 20 years from now. My take is that some smart people in Ottawa have started using their calculators and the numbers are so staggering that their HP 12c are smoking.

Our Grand Master of Financial Illusions pictured above was quick to react and deny everything saying his administration was working days and night to cut expenses. Pointing fingers is one sure sign that everything is under control. Er, like dude, you expect us to believe this shit? According to the latest polls, a mere 85% of the population is fed up with Curly's administration, corruptions rumors and questionable expenses are making the headlines everyday.

Just this morning we learned that the Ministry of Education paid a firm $50 000 over 2 years to water its plants. If you ever worked in a government cubicle, you know that the potted plants there can survive almost anything including the presence of Happy Raymond. Still, some wise crack over there with a college degree figured it was okay to fork $50K just to water plants.

Just for the sake of entertaining myself a bit, I faxed our Q4 results to Happy Raymond today with a note saying: Our company is a fucking money printing machine, your administration is sinking faster than the Lusitania. And then I drew a crude Buzz Lightyear on the cover sheet with a caption: To Infinite Growth and Beyond.

Needless to say, Happy Raymond did not call me back.

Dear members, if CGI could be a country if would be the most fantastic place on Earth. I'm working on it, it's part of The Plan. Don't say anything.

I Feel Good

When you're feeling down and out, sometimes you stumble on a situation when your concerns suddenly appear insignificant in the grand scheme of things. Today's such a day for yours truly.

Ever since we announced the lost of the Desjardins account, I've been feeling - let me find the right word - depressed like a Lehman Brothers analyst managing a pool of subprime loans the day they went bust. Not a pretty sight. I could barely eat this past week-end, I was thinking about resigning from CGI and going back to my native Pembroke to raise livestock, something for which I have no experience but somewhat found appealing. Cleaning cows must be fun.

When I opened the newspaper this morning I saw the devastated face of Curly, and my troubles just went away like a snow ball in July. This guy is being torpedoed on a daily basis by problems and scandals of unprecedented magnitude. Muddy liberal party financing tactics, judge nominations dictated by influential party donors, not a day passes without some kind of huge scandal making headlines. The state runs into a deep deficit, and Happy Raymond's budget is still the subject of important resentment from everyone. Water is coming in from all decks, the ship is going down, and there's 2-3 years before the next election, so Curly here is aging fast. He's still in denial mode, at least when talking to reporters, but privately this guy must be gulping Rolaids like crazy. If you were a doctor and the wreck above would check into your office, how much time would you give the man?

So when I think about Curly, I feel good, I feel so light and free of worries. His livid face is a reminder that I'm full of energy, I can double the size of this company if I put my mind to it. I feel like dancing tonight, but don't tell this to CGI members from India.

I need to go now, I'll call a few Wall Street analysts tomorrow and tell them to put CGI on their "Strong buy" list, because we're going to crush the competition just using our will power. Profitable growth will ensue.

Mad men

Today is a sad day dear members, we citizen must - again - pay the price for the irrational management of the state. Read about the extent of the disaster here. Socialism is a runaway train heading for a cliff, and we're only seeing the edge of the chasm. Raymond here, minister of Finance & Happiness, proved once more he is a total prick.

The “health contribution” will be levied on individuals when they file their income tax and will cost most adults $25 this year and eventually climb to $200 in 2012. Lower-income families will be exempted. The government said the tax will allow for a 5-per-cent increase in health-care spending each year. “Everybody benefits from health care, everybody should pay,” Mr. Bachand said.

Quebec residents will also see a one-per-cent spike in sales tax, to 9.5 per cent, along with increases in tuition fees and the provincial fuel tax.

I've been thinking of moving CGI headquarters outside Quebec, and with today's news I'm more convinced than ever that this is the right move. I'm done with these bozos, I'll close everything in Montreal, Quebec and Saguenay and then I'll go meet the prime clown (on the right, picture above) to show him my butt. That's right. Go fuck yourself, Curly, run your socialist government and I'll make sure CGI is out of Quebec for good. You don't deserve us. Go get banged by IBM, that'll teach you.

Where should I move CGI? Toronto? I'd be closer to real decision makers. Troy, Alabama? Fried chicken is overrated. Niagara Peninsula? Good local wines and fresh fruits. Barbados? My shining skull doesn't tolerate too much sun. Mumbai? Locals are freaking me out with their ritual dance. I need ideas, e-mail me at fake mike roach at gmail.com

I'm depressed now, I have to go get a drink with Serge. Roach out. Talk to you later this week.

Managing like a pro

When you’re in the driving seat, you don’t poll all the passengers before you switch lane or take the next exit. Or switch radio station. Or use the wipers. You just do it.

A CEO has to take decisions that are sometimes unpleasant for the majority of the staff. But there's a noble cause behind all the accounting torture that CEOs put their organization through. The cause is profitability. CGIers know that I am devoting my life to profitable growth, and no detail is too small for the cause.

Don’t do like Raymond, minister of Finance & Happiness, whose government is bleeding billions of red ink and yet at the same totally unable to lower his expense under a 3.2% increase for the next fiscal year. Yes, that’s right, he’s been challenged by sound economic experts to keep his expense growth at 2.5% and the official word is that is it impossible without compromising the government core mission. Yeah, right.

Look at the picture above and ask yourself: Would you buy a used car from this man?

Raymond and his liberal friends are so full of bull it’s hard to believe they can contain so much. If CGI was deep in trouble and my CFO would show up in my office telling me, Mike sorry our total expenditure still has to grow 3.2% this year despite the fact that our financial statements look like a horror flick, what would I do? There’s a hardwood bookcase in my office where I keep a few mementos. I would grab the heavy ’08 golf trophy on top the bookcase and I would use it to beat my CFO until I hear the following words: WE WILL LOWER EXPENSES.

This is why dear members a CEO has have balls sometimes, big ones. You have to ditch the dickheads that keep saying it is impossible. You have to pound your fists on your desk and scream until the secretary starts to cry. You need to take control of the situation and take action. You need to walk around the office with a baseball bat until the bottom line displays black numbers, because if you don’t do it, the shareholders will bang on your door and ask for your resignation.

Unfortunately Raymond is not that kind of guy. This union-friendly sissy wants to be happy, he wants to be re-elected in 3 years and the ride has to be a smooth one. And the since the opposition party is staffed with dimwits and retards, there's a good chance Rain Man can pursue his uneventful career for a long time. Taxpayers do not behave like shareholders, let me tell you that.

But reality sometimes knocks on your door. I pray for that day to come.