Just so you know

Instead of forking 3 grand to upgrade your home movie theatre, why don't you long the stock that all smart people on Bay street recommend to their client? I mean, it's your choice, but if I were you...

Like, dude?

Can't help myself, those ads hit a nerve and make me angry.

First of all, this youth in the ad looks like he had his hair done in a car wash. Second, the cheap suit, definitely not from Harry Rosen where real men go. If this guy was loaded as the ad claims, he would not look like a guy on parole who's trying to sell you something fishy. Plus, the outside glow would be appropriate for an adult DVD, not that I've rented anything in that department, but I've been told.

In any case, going past his questionable appearance, I loathe the "get rich quick" scheme. If Bobby here was serious about money, he would ditch his supposedly attractive penny stocks before the market closes today. I mean, if a company's public shares are worth $0.04, maybe that's a subtle hint that the headquarter is located in a trailer park (best case scenario) and not much assets can be found in the books.

In which case, unless the CEO of this public company has a breakthrough idea after he sobers up, buying this "penny stock" is an unwise investment and it would be more efficient to burn your money because you'd not pay brokerage fees.

GIB.TO made me rich. Get it?

Going banana

Hardly a day goes by without me doing a sales pitch for CGI. My thinking is, a CEO doesn't participate in the sales effort, who will?

Like last Thursday, my staff was behaving and I found no error in any of the spreadsheets that were submitted for approval. It was - theoretically - a perfect day. Until I went downstairs to grab a muffin at around 4:32 to sustain my mental energy under dinner, when I learned that the store was out of the banana variety.

Sure, they had blueberry, bran & raisin, oatmeal galore, even that inedible double chocolate, but my mood and historical data pertaining to my personal consumptions of muffins indicated that a banana muffin was my personal optimal choice at that very moment.

But they had none. No banana muffin.

I questioned the store clerk about what market events had triggered such banana muffin shortage, if senior managers at the store had been briefed on the incident as it will surely impact their next quarterly earnings in a small yet significant way, if there was a glitch in the supply chain and in such case could this be optimized by calling a SAP expert.

Do you know what the simple-minded store clerk said to me?

"Well, it's just we ran out of banana muffin, come back tomorrow"

This careless behaviour was unacceptable to me as a customer, and I'm positively sure the store owner would be terrified to learn he had lost a sale due to bad strategic planning. How come there was still five, STILL FIVE double-chocolate muffins and no trace of banana muffin? Who runs this ship? Did anyone learn a lesson from the downfall of Zellers in Canada?

Clearly, the daily production of said muffins was improvised. No, it was botched. Even lobotomized monkeys under the influence of illegal substance would do a better job.

I dully informed the clerk of the situation and how CGI could help their company improve dramatically their core business processes. Had he heard about our centre of excellence in Troy, Alabama ?

CGI could even put the muffins in the cloud, therefore any sales clerk would be able to check the banana supply from a mobile device anywhere in the world, understand the trend in customer taste in real time and dispatch production orders to ensure timely delivery of warm, fresh banana muffins. Such understanding of the marketplace would push the muffin store on a straight path to profitable growth and…

At that point I realized the clerk was looking at me in way that did not indicate a complete and thorough understanding of the free analysis I was delivering. Plus, 5 people were waiting in line, right behind me.

It's lonely at the top, but everyday I realize that there are many bozos in base camps...

Death, corporate governance and common cold

Although I pride myself not to explain my decisions, behaviour or choice of takeover target, I must humbly apologize for my lack of presence here during the past several weeks.

I know, I know, I should have use any member doing bench time to update this blog, but consider this: can anyone imitate me? Can a DBA act as an CEO imposter and really analyze and slice the reality of the worldwide IT industry and offer advice to other strategic thinkers like I do? I would not bet 1/100 of my annual bonus on this.

The thing is, I'm concerned about my own mortality and the future of CGI. I don't think anyone can walk into my shoes and lead this company into more profitable growth. The passing of Steve Jobs in October prompted our board to analyze possible succession plans, in the event where I would be run over by garbage truck or worse yet a Montreal cab driver.

Frozing my head in nitrogen after death is one possible option, although I don't like the idea of it. Larry King plans to do it, or so I heard.

Sure, scientists from the 23rd and a half century might bring me back to life to assume a second tenure at CGI, but I'm not comfortable skipping like 250 years of quarterly financial reports. I don't give a shiitake about what tech will be down the road (let me guess, it will stink, and I bet Windows XP will still be supported), but I'm truly concerned about having to catch up with dozens and dozens of annual reports written by less-than-competent executives who will be 6 feet under ground by the time said scientists resuscitate me.

I won't be able to demonstrate my wrath for past mistakes done by generic CEOs between 2080 and 2095, these morons will be snoozing at the cemetery and their tombstones will be eroded like public treasury! What if I find an error in a 10-K that was written in 2023? What if I discover that CGI started paying a dividing in 2122 and by 2167 will be considered a "dividend aristocrat"? What if coffee is free again in our office and the company is paying for every cup of joe?

The challenge of correcting 2 centuries of lax management is a daunting one, I'd prefer to shut down operations and return whatever money is left to the stockholders in their flying cars.

If you ask me, I'd prefer immortality even it if means a very long run. Eventually the sun will run out of hydrogen and we'll have to move out to another planet to expand and deepen relations with new and existing customers. I would look forward to building relationship with other races in the galaxy and explain to little green men the benefits of outsourcing their IT operation so they can focus on their core business.

Back to the freezing-my-head plan - as the board suggests - it implies being decapitated, and call me a sissy but I don't want my dead body to be chopped, especially by current board members or business unit leads with no surgical experience. It's like voiding my limited guarantee, I feel something bad will come out of it. And being frozen for 200 years is just an invitation to catch a bad cold and to endure a runny nose for centuries.

Plus, what happens when said scientists bring you back to life in 2300 ? Do you get a 20-year life extension, after which they freeze again your head and scientists get back doing Ph.Ds for another 200 years to determine what went wrong and how to extend life for 30 years instead of 20? And then they repeat the freaking process again and again? No, no, no, you guys won't chop my head every 250 years just to fund your lazy university research centres.

Now get back to work and bill.

Nope, we're not there

The Canada's Top 100 Employers project is a national competition to determine which employers lead their industries in offering exceptional workplaces for their employees. The 2012 winners were announced on October 7, 2011 in The Globe and Mail.

As may notice, Accenture and KPMG are there, but your beloved company is not on this year's list.

As a matter of fact, CGI was among the winner in 2006 and before, and yours truly is to blame. I was weak, sometimes it happens, and I took drastic measure to ensure the "exceptional workplace" would be a thing of the past. I called the head of each business unit, inquiring about frivolous activities, perks, minutes paid that are not billable to a customer, anything that impacts the bottom line. One BU leader dared to tell me that he was bringing a box of Krispy Kreme doughnuts every Friday so that this staff could schmooze over company-paid coffee and company-paid fried pastries. In fact, he was eating one as he spoke to me.

I went ballistic.

Rumors go that this guy never ate a doughnut since '06, even at home. He claims they give him cramps ever since.

Guess what, on Dec 29th 2006 - the year CGI was among those Top 100 employers, our stock closed at 8.13. As of now, it trades at 18.82. We cleaned the barn, and our spreadsheets are now spotless.

Who's right, that wimpy contest from the Globe and Mail for weak people-oriented companies, or my iron-clad balance sheet that keep pushing upward our stock price ?

You decide. Well, not really, but you get the idea.

One more reason to long GIB.TO

I always advise CGI members to stay on proven ground and to stay away from exotic temptations, whether it is exciting new technologies, unbelievable job offer and even trendy and hip clothes.

Here's one more thing to add to your internal check list: personal investments.

Some people are just plain weird, they work their ass off to rake a few dollars and if they resist the socially-acceptable urge to blow their disposable income on electronic gadgets, they throw themselves into the arms of the closest Investors Group representative. The conversation usually goes like this:

Dumb customer: I want to make money, I don't know jack about investments nor do I have any interests in learning, therefore I want to trust you since you have a nice suit or your office is way better than mine.

Smart representative: I'm happy to welcome you as a new gullible client as it will increase my personal bonus even I make you loose money, in which case I'll blame the markets and/or Bernanke. How many of your friends and relatives are as clueless as you? Are they on Facebook as well?

Dumb customer: Well, I want to make money. I listened to one guy on the radio saying ETFs are a good strategy. What's an ETF? Hold your answer, I won't be able to understand the lingo anyway, here's a fat check.

Smart representative: What a happy coincidence, our company has just released a truckload of synthetic ETFs, from the same smart people who designed fabulous CDOs in 2007. May I interest you with our latest leveraged ETF? It is actively managed, meaning the guy in charge spends an awful lot of time playing golf to hear rumors. I could forward you the link but since you're low-watt bulb in IT I'm afraid the PDFs thick with obscure wording and acronyms might make you feel awfully inferior and humiliated. Let me take your check.

Dumb customer: Thanks, I already feel better.

Smart representative: So am I.

If you have at least half the mental capability of a lobotomized donkey, you should open a trading account and buy decent stocks for the long run, like GIB. It won't make you a millionaire, it will never pay a sinful dividend, but it will keep you safe from the non-sense out there.

CGI trades slightly below $20, down from its peak at $24.30, you should act now if I were you. P/E around 11, how many deals like this can you find today?

Plus, owning more GIB will make you a better member, so happiness is a by-product.

On "leadership adjustment"

Power Donna is retiring, but we'll keep her warm and toasty on our board of directors while you are on the bench awaiting for the sword to cut your sorry little neck. Congrats to whoever wrote this press release, "leadership adjustment" is a fantastic euphemism. I'll try to use it next time.

Roach out.