Like, dude?

Can't help myself, those ads hit a nerve and make me angry.

First of all, this youth in the ad looks like he had his hair done in a car wash. Second, the cheap suit, definitely not from Harry Rosen where real men go. If this guy was loaded as the ad claims, he would not look like a guy on parole who's trying to sell you something fishy. Plus, the outside glow would be appropriate for an adult DVD, not that I've rented anything in that department, but I've been told.

In any case, going past his questionable appearance, I loathe the "get rich quick" scheme. If Bobby here was serious about money, he would ditch his supposedly attractive penny stocks before the market closes today. I mean, if a company's public shares are worth $0.04, maybe that's a subtle hint that the headquarter is located in a trailer park (best case scenario) and not much assets can be found in the books.

In which case, unless the CEO of this public company has a breakthrough idea after he sobers up, buying this "penny stock" is an unwise investment and it would be more efficient to burn your money because you'd not pay brokerage fees.

GIB.TO made me rich. Get it?

One more reason to long GIB.TO

I always advise CGI members to stay on proven ground and to stay away from exotic temptations, whether it is exciting new technologies, unbelievable job offer and even trendy and hip clothes.

Here's one more thing to add to your internal check list: personal investments.

Some people are just plain weird, they work their ass off to rake a few dollars and if they resist the socially-acceptable urge to blow their disposable income on electronic gadgets, they throw themselves into the arms of the closest Investors Group representative. The conversation usually goes like this:

Dumb customer: I want to make money, I don't know jack about investments nor do I have any interests in learning, therefore I want to trust you since you have a nice suit or your office is way better than mine.

Smart representative: I'm happy to welcome you as a new gullible client as it will increase my personal bonus even I make you loose money, in which case I'll blame the markets and/or Bernanke. How many of your friends and relatives are as clueless as you? Are they on Facebook as well?

Dumb customer: Well, I want to make money. I listened to one guy on the radio saying ETFs are a good strategy. What's an ETF? Hold your answer, I won't be able to understand the lingo anyway, here's a fat check.

Smart representative: What a happy coincidence, our company has just released a truckload of synthetic ETFs, from the same smart people who designed fabulous CDOs in 2007. May I interest you with our latest leveraged ETF? It is actively managed, meaning the guy in charge spends an awful lot of time playing golf to hear rumors. I could forward you the link but since you're low-watt bulb in IT I'm afraid the PDFs thick with obscure wording and acronyms might make you feel awfully inferior and humiliated. Let me take your check.

Dumb customer: Thanks, I already feel better.

Smart representative: So am I.

If you have at least half the mental capability of a lobotomized donkey, you should open a trading account and buy decent stocks for the long run, like GIB. It won't make you a millionaire, it will never pay a sinful dividend, but it will keep you safe from the non-sense out there.

CGI trades slightly below $20, down from its peak at $24.30, you should act now if I were you. P/E around 11, how many deals like this can you find today?

Plus, owning more GIB will make you a better member, so happiness is a by-product.

Socialist admits to "moral failing" and "dyed eyebrows"

Members know that I'm fairly suspicious of socialists and other deviants, particularly those in Quebec because they don't call themselves socialists nor to they refer publicly to the work of Karl Marx.

Yet, once again, a rich socialist makes a fool of himself by dropping his pants in front of an ugly right-wing maid hoping she would become righteous, only to discover she's totally nuts and she sues the hell out of him.

What is this thing with socialists, they are so full of themselves they can't understand the world doesn't walk their way. If they can't convince you about their dogma, they fuck your brain out, is that it? And because they paint themselves with socialism in front of a camera, it somehow makes them more human and full of remorse. Dude, I can tell you're full of it, but not remorse.

It stinks.

If Buffett's having a million-dollar lunch, so am I

I had a crazy idea this morning that got me so excited that I almost sang "We're in the money" in my shower. I hate those days, and let me tell you why.

My idea of a perfect working day is stability, predictability and the pleasantly feeling that CGI is on the rising slope to financial greatness. I hate ups and downs, because you loose precious energy negotiating all the sharp turns. Let me give you an example.

If you start your working day all giddy up and totally sure to receive a $5000 bonus from your director at lunchtime, you're bound for deception as you learn you were given a generous $2000. Especially if you drop by that expensive audio store on the way to lunch where you go for discretionary illogical spendings.

If you were heading for lunch hoping to get $1900 and you get $2000, then you get back to work on a positive note looking to build more profitable growth for the company. It's all about managing expectations.

I had this crazy idea this morning as I was going through my bowl of Corn Flakes that I could set up a business lunch in Buffett's fashion and make people pay lump sums of hard cash to hear my wisdom. If Warren can do it, well why not yours truly? This money would of course be fedexed to our corporate account to boost our next earnings. And I could repeat this eat-a-sandwich-for-a-million-with-me every quarter, I'm sure financial analysts would be impressed.

It would be a very frugal lunch of course, something from the deli across the street with tap water. Who wants a 5-martini lunch anyway, any advice you'll be given will be totally forgotten by the time to excuse yourself for a long pause at the men's room, and I'm not picking your dry cleaning bill afterward.

By 10:00am I was sure I had the greatest idea since Serge created this company.

By 10:04am I realized that this idea was deeply flawed and my excitement crashed like a greek governance bank account.

Profitable growth is wisdom that you can share with the public at a superficial level. People know what you're up to, but they don't quite know the secret to get there. It's like the Caramilk thing. So having an unknown party for lunch and opening my kimono on secret internal strategies to build profitable growth… well it would be faster to wire money to our competitors, wouldn't it?

By 10:15 I was so depressed by my own stupidity that I read a couple of 10-Qs from last financial year to try to cheer me up. Since that didn't do, I crashed into my CFO's office and grilled him on a couple of topics. Even that didn't do.

So it was a bad day. Shame on me for thinking so foolishly.

Do as I say, don't do as I do

This kind of bogus wishful thinking lights a fire under my profitable butt. The Financial Post had this to say about Curly's administration:

The Quebec government, desperate to head off a looming collapse of household finances when interest rates rise, has tabled a bill that would force credit card holders to boost their monthly payments and settle their debts faster.

When you read this at a first level, this all makes fucking perfect sense, don't it? Let's spin the table 180 degrees for a second and let's re-write the sentence the other way around, let's see:

The Quebec citizens, desperate to head off a looming collapse of government finances when interest rates rise, has tabled a bill that would force the Quebec government to boost their monthly payments and settle its debt faster.

It's like Keith Richards in 1977 exiting a smoke-filled trailer filled with giggling chicks asking you to drop booze and drugs to live a healthier life with broccoli and running a 5K. Dude, c'mon.

When I hear things like "overconsumption", I don't think about this guy who buys a 60" plasma a 10-pound pickle jar at Costco, I am thinking about government creating new agencies of dubious use staffed with hundreds if not thousands of unionized-with-lifelong-retirement-package. This my friends is overconsumption of public funds, and eventually it will shatter the fabric of the universe and create a wormhole that will swallow the entire civilization. 2008 was just a quick dry run.

Let's continue reading shall we:

There has been a persistent unease among Canada’s economic and political leaders over the past year about the level of indebtedness of Canadian households.

Let's swivel the table one more time, it's so fun:

There has been a persistent unease among Canada’s taxpayers over the past year about the level of indebtedness at the federal, provincial and municipal level.

I e-mailed this article with a few reversed-sentences like this to my dear friend Happy Raymond who's the financial Houdini of Quebec.

Raymond was quick to reply with a note that says "Everything is under control". Probably an automated response message.

This cancer has attacked not just this location, but elsewhere too. U.S. Treasury bonds are not worth the electronic text on which they are written

Investors who have been betting on Treasuries are destined "to get cooked like frogs in an increasingly hot pot of water," the well-known bond bear told attendees at a Morningstar Investment conference in Chicago.

Bill Gross, who manages the $235 billion Pimco Total Return Fund (PTTAX), said real interest rates, which remove the effect of inflation to measure the actual yield an investor receives, have fallen into negative territory. He pointed out that Treasury inflation-protected securities with a maturity of 5 years are trading at a yield of -0.5%

What's your credit score, Raymond?

Let me get back to building wealth.

Facebook CEO on a killing spree

Sorry guys, I know I'm failing to meet basic expectations here, but a CEO job leaves little room for spare time - unlike a director job where you have all those free minutes to yourself between midnight and 4 am.

But you could thank me once in a while ya know, CGI trades north of $21 and we're posting stellar quarters. Profitable growth… does that ring a bell? There you are.

Anyway, I read with amusement about Zucky the 27-years old CEO who apparently set a personal challenge to slit the throat of live pigs and goats while insulting them in Mandarin. I'm sure Mr. Piggy was deeply honoured to be butchered by the Facebook CEO and that he posted a comment like "Friends, I'm going offline for now, today's a good day to die" and all his porcine friends "liked it". Oh, well.

Friends, this is what happen when you're going off the rail at such a young age. I'm talking about Zuckerberg here, not Mr. Piggy. I already told you that money was bad, well your in your hands anyway, because most people are not mature enough to handle wealth. Zucky's a billionaire under 30, and he's so bored of running Facebook that he gets a kick by slaughtering protein-rich animals. I don't want to know what happens in his bedroom, folks.

Me, I like to pay a visit to my friend the butcher in Westmount and he runs some his jokes by me because he knows I'm a tough nut to crack. I don't get blood on my white shirt in order to feed myself, that's the whole point of having a butcher. Can you imagine the smell of a dead pig in the trunk of my Mercedes, it would be enough to void the warranty.

I think Zucky suffers from a deep paranoia of joining the 27 Club, and as a result he throws himself in all sort of questionable challenge to prove himself he's a manly man. What will be his challenge in 2012 ?

If Zucky had been fortunate enough to work as an IT consultant for CGI, he wouldn't do such questionable challenges because he'd know there are better things to do. Like learning .NET, or supporting Notes servers, you know like REAL challenges. Running a knife on a goat's throat takes less than 30 seconds, that's a cheap thrill. Even Ozzie would not be impressed.

But implementing SAP in a dysfunctional organization, that my friend is the kind of challenge for the braves. I'm thinking about creating a special team at CGI much like the SEALs, where hardened specialists are trained for unconventional IT setups, infrastructure reconnaissance, terror-oriented management and project rescue. They won't come cheap. More on that later.

So Zucky go have fun with chickens while we adults do real work.

Member's Column Day: On Fruitcakes

Dear FakeMike, my client is completely nuts and our team morale is sinking to new lows every day. We get conflicting messages from the director, vague scope of work and we get wacked for nothing. The client expects us to deliver unreasonable work within extra-short time, yet his own employees are doing literally nothing except smoking outside the building, chatting in the coffee room and bitching about consultants. I think the urinals get more attention from the organization than us. This is hell. Mike from BC.

What's your question young man, do you seek professional advice on lavatory equipment or are you just whining about a situation that is clearly outside your control?

Rest assured, neurosis is more prevalent inside today's organization than one might think. Doctors estimate that 20-30% of today's workforce run on prescription drugs, and we're not talking about blood pressure here. Simply said, people are just nuts. And nuttiness is not limited to the usual suspects, like government workers, CDO traders or whores. It's everywhere, in every corner where people work for a living. They have infiltrated every level, every field, regardless of salary or responsibilities. It is a global freak show.

If you ask me, I'm totally fascinated by the fact that society in general can hold itself together in one more or less coherent thing, considering the prevalence of loose-cannon control-freak delusional zombies. We should normally nail a few 2 by 4 on our door to prevent the crazy from entering our house and office, à la Vincent Price. Seriously. It's a miracle that we not enter a devolution stage and go back to the ocean where we came from in the first place. Clams do not use Sharepoint or Lotus Notes, this might be why they're so happy.

We also must understand one important aspect of being a consultant. Consultants are like whipping boys (and girls) inside a company, directors can whack them just the fun of it, they can persecute them just to make their day more enjoyable and have something to gloat about at the next meeting. Cruelty is within human nature. Project goes out of rail? Blame the consultants. Why is that so? It’s because consultants cannot complain to their union leader or HR because they are “external” resources. They are literally powerless, and nothing brings more fun to dumb people than to exploit smart people with no possible administrative rebound. It’s like crushing a cricket with your boots and saying, Oh I’m sorry little fella and then looking for more crickets.

Like I preached to you before, you must leverage from this illogical out-of-control state and leverage nuttiness to increase your billing rate. What you deliver is irrelevant, even you run in circle for years, even if the client crushes you as long as the fucker pays the invoice we send. Money talks and PSA manages. The situation won’t change. So why not build profitable growth on it? It's like manure, it stinks but it can be used to great benefits.

So pinch your nose young man, take a shovel and bill 40 hours a week. The firm will take care of the rest.

Roach out.

Not the sharpest knives

The average intellectual capacity of a typical human is grossly overrated, and in my opinion most management books fail to adress this fundamental issue before embarking into smart theories about how corporations can reach higher levels.

Bozosity is so present in our society that we fail to notice it unless we take some time and gain perspective. People are just plain dumb. It's probably why government works so well, it starts from the basic assumption that individuals are not smarter than the toothbrush they use. Most people can easily be led into false assumptions, dubious projects and unprofitable activities.

A group of smart people - which by definition is extremely small - does not need to be managed per se, their intellectual capacities are sufficient by themselves. This is why our founding fathers - Serge and André - were able to jumpstart this company and quickly build the foundation for an IT empire that could last a millennia.

As you want to increase the size of your company and augment revenues, you need to actually hire people to do the work while you sit in your office and sip Canadian Club while scanning your balance sheet. Problem is, the pool of "A" people is so small that you can't go very far before you hit a snag.

You compromise by hiring "B" people who are not so bad but are not as sharp as the First Ones. It's still manageable at this point, the company structure is lean but you spend some time in management activities that you would not spend otherwise if you had a team of aces.

As the company grows, you are faced with the dilemma of refusing potential profitable contracts or hiring lower grade employees. This is a turning point for many corporations. Even B-grade staff is not very common. When you interview C-grade and even lower grade candidates your mind struggles with the idea of accepting such life forms into your company. They require a heavy structure to operate, policies, guidelines, processes, forms, etc. This is a difficult situation to accept, but one night you work out the numbers and it makes financial sense to hire lower-grade staff even though you need to invest in HR and other unbillable personnel. Excel does not lie.

Once you crossed that river, nature takes its course and you can hire all kind of sub-prime people as long as you can bill them to a customer. You'll be amazed how much crap can be sold so easily, especially on the government side. They’ll ask for more! Your company structure can contains all those average and mediocre individuals, much like a bowl can handle solid food or liquid. Put a robust lid on top and you’re good to go.

Next week I'll discuss how to handle a mixed-bag of different people grade when it comes to middle management. Roach out.

Members Column Day: More Facebook Rants

My post on Facebook brought some interesting e-mails, one of which deserves a spot here.

FakeMike, your recent post on Facebook is a bit harsh, maybe it's time that corporations such CGI embrace Twitter, Facebook, wikis and other modern communication tools. If we were living in 1960, you'd probably bitch about electric typewriters. Don't be such a stiff. Corporations need to update themselves with the latest technology in order to survive. Michel from Saguenay.

First, let me clarify my thoughts on what people call "social networks". It serves to real purpose as far as I can tell. Catching up with friends should be done by expressing more than 140 characters, unless you're a soldier ambushed in a muddy trench with a Panzer about to roll over you, in which case short messages are acceptable. Our media relation people have set up a Twitter account recently because journalists apparently requested this, I don't know the extent to which they use this, but judging from the popularity of the CGI Facebook page the Twitter wire must be very quiet. Jee, one more person joined our Facebook page since yesterday, this is heavy traffic.

I'm investigating cases where CGI employees posts irrelevant thoughts on Facebook during daytime, what they had for lunch, what sock color they picked they dressed, how many Q-tips they use on a weekly basis, but most often what is their boredom level. This is highly strange, life in IT should be as exciting as surfing a giant wave in Hawaii, I don't understand how people get bored. Complaining about your boredom won't take it away, you know, maybe boredom is just a signal that you should spot opportunities for the company and transform them into profitable growth.

Let me tell you a story. When I was a younger man, I was distributing newspapers door to door in my native Pembroke. Winters were colder than in Vladivostok, summers were muggy and fly-infested, and I used the same pair of shoes from age 12 to 18. Whenever there was a hole in them, I would patch them with tar and old newspapers. To help me in my run, I had a 1-speed bicycle whose paint was completely sunburned. I got bitten by dogs a few times, not the puddle kind mind you. When my run was done, I would borrow a copy of the Globe&Mail and I would scan the business section for stocks at attractive price. Simply put, I earned my money the hard way and never complained. Look at where I stand today.

Today, a young man distributing newspapers will take 2 dozen pictures on his cell phone during his morning run and post them to Facebook, only to complain about such and such. He'll wear brand new $240 sneakers and use the most expensive iPod available. His idea of investing is buying the latest Xbox 360 because it displays gory graphics much faster. He'll whine and whine and whine about his parents decision NOT to buy him a new car at age 16. Where do you think this lazy bum will be 25 years from now? If I had to take a bet, I'd say he'll be a unionized janitor addicted to Ritalin.

This is my issue with all this newer technology. It's not used to the right end. It's not used to make you smarter, it's actually being used to make use more dumb and irresponsible. If you don't have a Facebook page, create one and let your so-called friends find you. Watch their on-line bahavior. Try to figure out when they have time to do real work.

And try to look for a Facebook page promoting profitable growth. If you find one, let me know.

Case closed. Roach out.

We screwed up

Your humble servant is writing you today with tears in my eyes and red ink in my spreadsheet. We lost a major outsourcing contract with a long-time client, one for which we sucked about $1.2B in revenues during the past 10 years. Yeah, these things happen.

I gotta tell you, a 10-year outsourcing contract is like a marriage. The first year you cater every possible need of your wife, you buy her expensive gifts and you go the extra mile every day. After 10 years you spend most of your nights in strip clubs pretending you have important business meetings. It's the same with a client. After a few years you start to ignore complaints because clients whine all the time. You then become so integrated with the client business that you think you ARE the client, and the real client is just an obnoxious bug flying around you. The client complains that he's been stuck with Explorer 6 for the past 10 years, and you list all your other clients that are still using IE6 and are quite happy ignoring that there are newer versions out there.

The most insulting thing about the Desjardins story is that it happened in our own backyard in Montreal. Worse, these nitwits publicly said that they are only considering IBM and HP to replace their beloved CGI. Like that's gonna solve a problem.

Roach out, talk to you soon.

Mad men

Today is a sad day dear members, we citizen must - again - pay the price for the irrational management of the state. Read about the extent of the disaster here. Socialism is a runaway train heading for a cliff, and we're only seeing the edge of the chasm. Raymond here, minister of Finance & Happiness, proved once more he is a total prick.

The “health contribution” will be levied on individuals when they file their income tax and will cost most adults $25 this year and eventually climb to $200 in 2012. Lower-income families will be exempted. The government said the tax will allow for a 5-per-cent increase in health-care spending each year. “Everybody benefits from health care, everybody should pay,” Mr. Bachand said.

Quebec residents will also see a one-per-cent spike in sales tax, to 9.5 per cent, along with increases in tuition fees and the provincial fuel tax.

I've been thinking of moving CGI headquarters outside Quebec, and with today's news I'm more convinced than ever that this is the right move. I'm done with these bozos, I'll close everything in Montreal, Quebec and Saguenay and then I'll go meet the prime clown (on the right, picture above) to show him my butt. That's right. Go fuck yourself, Curly, run your socialist government and I'll make sure CGI is out of Quebec for good. You don't deserve us. Go get banged by IBM, that'll teach you.

Where should I move CGI? Toronto? I'd be closer to real decision makers. Troy, Alabama? Fried chicken is overrated. Niagara Peninsula? Good local wines and fresh fruits. Barbados? My shining skull doesn't tolerate too much sun. Mumbai? Locals are freaking me out with their ritual dance. I need ideas, e-mail me at fake mike roach at gmail.com

I'm depressed now, I have to go get a drink with Serge. Roach out. Talk to you later this week.