You can't please everyone

Another nugget of management wisdom: whenever someone drops into your office and starts the conversation by saying that they disagree with you, first put both hands on your ears and start singing “I CAN’T HEAR YOU”.

Fact is, you cannot please everyone inside your company, yet everyone at the C-level. When you’re the king, you must act like one and politely crush anyone who disagrees. If you lack inspiration, read about Henri VIII – this dude would be a top CEO in today’s world.

My assistant came over this morning saying that I get a 37% approval rate on Glassdoor.com, yet another Web site for whiners who have issues with their employer and who look forward to disclose their confidential salaries. Natalie, I said, I don’t give a shiitake about my popularity down the ranks, but I’ll look into it. And please order another batch of bumper stickers that say “Stop Global Whining”, we’ll distribute them at the next shareholder meetings – that’ll set the tone.

So I spent half an hour during lunchtime reading what my lazy employees are complaining about. Let’s entertain ourselves, shall we? Let's read Whiner #1:

Compensation is not high as expected. Not much importance given to growth of the members

Dude, you didn’t understand the sheer genius behind our “profitable growth” theme. Growth is about adding dollars and pennies to our float. $272.408M, and I check this number every morning to get a good start. If you want to grow, take a yoga class or something. Next in line:

I was shocked to learn that once my project ends, I will be "on the bench" and I have 2-3 weeks to find a new project within the company, or I lose my job

You were shocked? That’s right, sucker, if you don’t bring revenue to your business unit, why should we pay you to watch YouTube while you pretend to find a new project. Bench time must be use in a productive fashion, like learning fashionable skills such as COBOL so we can tag you on a project with a high mark up. If no one wants you on their project, maybe you should start to doubt your own personal value on the market, don’t you think? Self-doubt works like magic, and next thing you know you’ll be flipping patties at MickeyD.

Executive hold out possibility of bonus if business unit meet profit margin, then sets unrealistic margin (is 13% after tax profit realistic in this economy?).

C’mon, if a CEO doesn’t raise the bar who will? Work your ass off, try to squeeze more money from your customers, and make an effort to please your king – I mean your CEO. If your internal costs are too high, hire a stubborn accountant with an inferiority complex and let the guy loose in your spreadsheets. He’ll trim the fat, and by the end of the year you’ll reach your margin objectives, and you’ll say “That was easy”.