CGI and CGI

The downside of leading an organization with a 3-letter name is that confusion may easily arise unless you're the CIA or the FBI.

CGI is no exception. I can't say we answer the phone everyday to people expecting us to the Catholic Guides of Ireland, the Church of God International or the Coast Guard Institute. That happens, but it's rare. When such mistakes occur, I ask my secretary to transfer the call to my office and I let myself loose on a telephone prank.

But if there is one confusion that irritates me, it is the Clinton Global Initiative. Ever since Bill started this thing in 2005, medias have gone crazy. As a result, you will find plenty of news bits about CGI - not my CGI - but Bill's CGI. Such as this one, stating that CGI is "a carefully selected group of the world’s best minds and most distinguished problem-solvers".

Problem is, customers now expects CGI - my CGI - to solve their problems with a carefully selected group of consultants. Like I started before, top-shelf consultants are unavailable until 2031 but I have a few rookies on the bench that I'd be happy to lease you for $550 a day. Will they solve your problems? I can't say. Will they create more problems? Look, your shoes are untied.

So I thought I'd give Mr. Clinton a call and try to solve this naming issue.

I introduced myself to Bill and depicted CGI - my CGI - as a world-class organization looking to expand and deepen our business relationships with both new and existing clients on a global basis.

Bill goes, what? Who are you? What the fuck are you talking about?

I go, we're CGI Group, do you know our company?

Bill goes, yeah I've seen Toy Story 3 this summer, great flick by the way, I don't know how you guys did it but it was awesome. I liked the little green monsters.

I go, no we're not doing CGI, I mean computer graphics, we're an IT company in Canada, and CGI is a registered trademark.

Bill goes, you're an IT company, I see. Let me ask you a question while I have you on the phone. I want to buy a laptop for Chelsea and I've seen the iPad, it's really beautiful, should I buy her a Dell notebook or an iPad?

I go, Mr. Clinton with all due respect I called you because we have an important naming issue. The Clinton Global Initiative is getting confused with the activities of our publicly-traded company known for the strength of its cash generation ability combined with the significant and consistent growth in earnings per share.

Clinton goes, what? Look buddy I don't know to sound rude but can you get to the point? I think I'll go with the iPad for Chelsea.

I go, here the situation Mr. Clinton, our company is on the spotlight, Obama talked about our company recently, and we just acquired Stanley and we're up to 31 000 employees. We can't change our company name. But if you would agree to change yours to something like the Clinton Big Initiative, or Clinton Humongous Initiative, or even Bill's Big Thing, it would solve this 3-letter problem, don't you see?

Bill was quiet for a while, in fact a long while. The kind of silence that makes anyone uncomfortable.

I go, Mr. President, are you still with me?

Bill goes, yeah sorry I'm trying to place an order for an iPad on the Web, and this Verified by Visa thing is asking me for a fucking password. I'll have someone pick an iPad at the Apple Store. Anyway, sorry about that. So hell no we won't change the name of our organization, maybe you should change yours you know, at least our name means something. What does your CGI mean anyway?

I go, pardon my French, but …

Bill cut the conversation short and goes, don't get obscene with me pal, look I gotta go if you want me to speak at your shareholders meeting it's $200K a pop okay, nice talking with you, bye now.

And that was the end of it. Serge asked me later that day how the conversion with Clinton went, and I assured him that we had the most polite and meaningful exchange but the CGI confusion is there to stay. Sigh.

Not the sharpest knives

The average intellectual capacity of a typical human is grossly overrated, and in my opinion most management books fail to adress this fundamental issue before embarking into smart theories about how corporations can reach higher levels.

Bozosity is so present in our society that we fail to notice it unless we take some time and gain perspective. People are just plain dumb. It's probably why government works so well, it starts from the basic assumption that individuals are not smarter than the toothbrush they use. Most people can easily be led into false assumptions, dubious projects and unprofitable activities.

A group of smart people - which by definition is extremely small - does not need to be managed per se, their intellectual capacities are sufficient by themselves. This is why our founding fathers - Serge and André - were able to jumpstart this company and quickly build the foundation for an IT empire that could last a millennia.

As you want to increase the size of your company and augment revenues, you need to actually hire people to do the work while you sit in your office and sip Canadian Club while scanning your balance sheet. Problem is, the pool of "A" people is so small that you can't go very far before you hit a snag.

You compromise by hiring "B" people who are not so bad but are not as sharp as the First Ones. It's still manageable at this point, the company structure is lean but you spend some time in management activities that you would not spend otherwise if you had a team of aces.

As the company grows, you are faced with the dilemma of refusing potential profitable contracts or hiring lower grade employees. This is a turning point for many corporations. Even B-grade staff is not very common. When you interview C-grade and even lower grade candidates your mind struggles with the idea of accepting such life forms into your company. They require a heavy structure to operate, policies, guidelines, processes, forms, etc. This is a difficult situation to accept, but one night you work out the numbers and it makes financial sense to hire lower-grade staff even though you need to invest in HR and other unbillable personnel. Excel does not lie.

Once you crossed that river, nature takes its course and you can hire all kind of sub-prime people as long as you can bill them to a customer. You'll be amazed how much crap can be sold so easily, especially on the government side. They’ll ask for more! Your company structure can contains all those average and mediocre individuals, much like a bowl can handle solid food or liquid. Put a robust lid on top and you’re good to go.

Next week I'll discuss how to handle a mixed-bag of different people grade when it comes to middle management. Roach out.

Members Column Day: On Loyalty

Dear FakeMike, what is the difference between loyalty to CGI and strict obedience. - Anonymous from Montreal

Dear Chicken, you're asking me a tough question, I think I'll go hit a few balls to reflect on this one. But Serge hates it when I swing my club in the hallway, something about balls hitting customers visiting our office. If I see someone from Desjardins, I'll make sure I use my Big Bertha. Anyway.

Loyalty by definition is faithfulness or a devotion to a person, country, group, or cause. In other words and in perspective of a publicly-traded company, your must have faith that the company is doing the best for its shareholders. And to have faith means not asking too many questions.

Faith means ignoring harsh criticisms you might read on Glassdoor.com. Faith also means to accept mystery, and let me expand on that. We don't disclose some stuff to members for their own good, we release good news only and internal debate is not something we think is a productive use of time. Debating is like noise on the line, it removes clarity.

Let me take a cue from the Roman Catholic religion. When you look at the way Jesus managed his group of apostles, you'll learn several good lessons in management. It was a top down approach, he did not delegate healing power or important stuff. He did not ask John or Peter to argue over the role of the Holy Ghost. Judas tried to work as an independent contractor and look where this decision led him.

One might say that Jesus might have benefited from profitable growth, raising money to buy competing religions would have leveled the field and minimized quarterly loss of faithful due to religion wars. I can imagine the turnover rate was higher in the 2nd and 3rd century A.D.

Back to your question, obedience is just a quality that fits into a global loyalty framework. Never say no to your boss, always smile when something stupid comes your way. Follow orders like a good soldier. An IT consultant is just a nice name for a digital butler, serving its master and getting fulfillment from work well done.

And now get back to work.

On Terminating Employees

It's one of those situations that can be awkward, stressful, charged with emotions or simply matter-of-fact and easy to do. Terminating an employee is a process by which you drop an expense which largely offsets gain or potential gain. But before you accuse me of being a hardboiled accountant who sacks anyone on the bench after 20 days, I must admit that there are countless situations where an employee must be shown the door even though the numbers favor the firm strictly speaking. Humans are humans.

When you announce to someone that he/she will no longer be on the payroll, the reaction will depend on the individual personality, the gender and of course on the age of the person. This is where as an executive you divert the river of shit to HR and get the hell out as soon as you can. After all, you pay those social-science suckers to do this kind of bull.

When firing someone who is around 60, he/she will thank you for an early retirement opportunity, will get his/her boxes done and will take the next flight to Myrtle Beach. That's the easy case.

When firing someone who is 50, especially a low-ranking one, that person will quietly leave the office, go home and he will have a quiet dinner with his wife without announcing the news, and then go into the garage, sit in the car, start the engine, and then leave the car run without opening the garage door. Make sure Legal is on the battle deck to handle incoming litigations afterward.

For someone who is 40, that person will leave your office after the blow, go to his desk and will e-mail his friends asking "I've been fired, is there anyone you know who has an open position, will take a lower salary if necessary I have a wife, 3 kids to feed and a '94 Taurus". Expect that person to steal toilet paper on his way out.

For someone who is 30 or under, that person will take his smartphone while you talk to him, and he will post a message on his Facebook page about you being an old fart and that he's looking for a management position now he was acquired some much experience with your firm. He will then show you the smartphone screen where you can see how many of his on-line friends "like this". Kids can be cruel sometimes.

If the person - whatever the age - is a woman, make sure HR has a box of tissues with just one or two left. You don't want your remaining staff to endure an hour of pitiful cries leading to pointless observations and remarks, something a full box of tissue can trigger. The shorter the sniffing, the better.

I also found that having foreign people in HR is a big plus. People being fired will keep complaints to a minimum if the HR person on the other side of the table is non-expressive and barely speaks English. Please sign here. Thank you.

Power Donna To The Rescue

Yeah, we're behaving like good citizens hoping our goodwill will be noticed by some politicians with a large integration budget.

We sent Power Donna to the rescue recently, a senior VP is always more effective when it's time to ask employees for a donation. People feel important. Obviously Donna didn't have to put on rubber boots and dig the oil herself, she delegated this exhilarating experience to a few members on the bench whose pink slip is just days away.

In case you don't know Power Donna, she's at 0:13 on the CGI Magic reel. What people don't know is that she was looking at our financial statements displayed on the jumbo screen when we took that picture. God those numbers are so gorgeous.

Who Loves Ya, Baby?

When my assistant Natalie brought the existence of this site to me, my popularity was at 37%. At first, I thought "Wow I'm pissing off a lot of people, I must be doing a great job!". Being a CEO is not about making people happy. If you want to make people happy, go work for Happy Raymond. He's one jolly good fellow.

I was told by one of my director this morning that I was up to 60%. I went ballistic, "How the fuck is this possible, tell me, who's voting on this site, could a script be attacking Glassdoor.com to humiliate me?". The poor director liquified instantly in his wingtips, afraid that I would accuse him of wrongdoings. "Do I look like Mr. Nice Guy?" I screamed to the director whose blood pressure took a sharp turn.

"Tell me, is this the face of a CEO who gives fucking dividends to shareholders? Do I look like a fucking Santa who give hugs and bonuses? I've been told that my name sends waves of terror and uncertainty when I announce an upcoming visit to a business unit. Do I look like a fucking teletubby to you? Do I?"

The director - whose name escapes me - said something about unscientific data based on loosely-based voting system whose reliability could be compared to the psychological state of active Facebook users. In other words, crap.

I was furious. "What do these moronic Glassdoor users still say about me, that I'm doing great policies encouraging work/balance? Please don't tell me that"

"No, your Highness, members are more disgruntled than ever. Turnover rate is increasing steadily. Even Stanley employees are voicing frustrations. They complain things like Company revenues seems to be more important that customer satisfaction, or Managers don't listen to training requests and No Pension and not good compensation."

My furious face morphed to aw and wonder, my concrete-smashing fists relaxed to almost a Zen state, I think I even smiled.

"Really, my profitable members are saying this? You're not kidding me, do you? Man, my plan is working, it is really working!"

I then got up from my chair, went next to the director who still had the shakes, and I slapped him on the shoulder. "Good job, Rachid. Or Robert. Or whatever."

An intense feeling of joy and empowerment swept through my whole body. I felt so lightheaded to know that, I jumped on the table and proceeded to do the Profitable Growth Dance, something I l was initiated to in India against my will during our '09 Annual Tour. "I'm the king of the IT world" I shouted. I wished I had a lollipop.

I was so happy that I thought I should raise the workweek to 42 hours across the board. Or let members pay for their own parking spot. But my internal self-control reminded me of The Plan. Must execute the plan, I said. Diszipline, Meik, diszipline. I then exploded in a loud, sadistic laugh, rubbing my hands together. "The Plan, The Plan! If only they knew!"

When I looked at the director, I noticed that he went through self-combustion probably due to high stress, a pile of smoking ashes meshed with pin-stripped fabric was taking his place, the company pin sitting on top.

Can someone from HR get back to me with the name of this guy? And please, recycle the pin.