Creating the biggest wiener factory

I feel it is important dear member that I share with you some of my bold plans for the future of this company. Just a glimpse, as The Plan requires a minimum IQ of 170 for a basic understanding, and HR tells me that no one scores that high.

You must understand that, very much like other fields, size do matter. Size is more important than quality because our world is based on numbers and quality is one very hard aspect to attach metrics to. Hygrade understands this very well, you don't want to know what kind of meat goes into the wiener, but you want to make sure you buy them when they are on sale. It's the same with humans.

My plan is to double the size of the company within the next 5 years, increase our earnings threefold and to lower CPM (Cost Per Member) by 15%. I want to manufacture a lot more wieners but the TCO of a 12-pack must be dirt cheap so I can make a fat profit on bulk sales. Consultants are to customers what wieners are to buns, and ketchup is like overhead. Since it is an expensive condiment we make sure that only one bag is provided.

Once you understand the inescapable logic and sheer beauty of profitable growth, you should not be surprised to read rants such as this one on RateMyEmployer.ca:

I saw enough of that place to know that I had to get out if I wanted to get anywhere. I left CGI for a 12% salary increase, better benefits, and I have since gotten another 3% increase recently.

If you work for CGI and it is around August/September, be concerned if you are not billable. You could be on the street joining the ranks of the unemployed. Of course make-work projects are created for some friends on the bench. Another technique that is used is creative reporting for projects because CGI strives for a "green" environment when it comes to projects.

In the GTA office on certain high floors, if you have friends in senior or lower management, you can get places. Especially if you were all from a team that now runs the show. Of course this is at the expense of other hard working employees... It is not what you know but who you know and who are your friends. A manager friend will guide on how to decorate your annual review so that you can "promote" yourself and so that he can promote you. There are other things... Does HR know of this....hmmmmm.... probably not.

This poor crybaby from GTA surely hasn't take some time to read our latest Q4 results. If he had, he would understand that his tiny personal sacrifice is essential to the meteoric growth of this company and anyone criticizing upper management should be accused of high treason and sent COD to the Tower of London (or Detroit, whatever location is closest).

As a member and shareholder, the GTA whiner is ridding the best Canadian stock on the TSX. But Mr. Nitwit here is only concerned with this own and short term benefit, he does not give a shiitake about the company that feeds him. He probably wants to purchase a new plasma screen to replace the one he bought 2 years ago. I'll make sure his annual review shows an appropriate scorecard under "Personal Attachment To The Company".

I've been told the Tower of London is for sale, is this true?

Who Loves Ya, Baby?

When my assistant Natalie brought the existence of this site to me, my popularity was at 37%. At first, I thought "Wow I'm pissing off a lot of people, I must be doing a great job!". Being a CEO is not about making people happy. If you want to make people happy, go work for Happy Raymond. He's one jolly good fellow.

I was told by one of my director this morning that I was up to 60%. I went ballistic, "How the fuck is this possible, tell me, who's voting on this site, could a script be attacking Glassdoor.com to humiliate me?". The poor director liquified instantly in his wingtips, afraid that I would accuse him of wrongdoings. "Do I look like Mr. Nice Guy?" I screamed to the director whose blood pressure took a sharp turn.

"Tell me, is this the face of a CEO who gives fucking dividends to shareholders? Do I look like a fucking Santa who give hugs and bonuses? I've been told that my name sends waves of terror and uncertainty when I announce an upcoming visit to a business unit. Do I look like a fucking teletubby to you? Do I?"

The director - whose name escapes me - said something about unscientific data based on loosely-based voting system whose reliability could be compared to the psychological state of active Facebook users. In other words, crap.

I was furious. "What do these moronic Glassdoor users still say about me, that I'm doing great policies encouraging work/balance? Please don't tell me that"

"No, your Highness, members are more disgruntled than ever. Turnover rate is increasing steadily. Even Stanley employees are voicing frustrations. They complain things like Company revenues seems to be more important that customer satisfaction, or Managers don't listen to training requests and No Pension and not good compensation."

My furious face morphed to aw and wonder, my concrete-smashing fists relaxed to almost a Zen state, I think I even smiled.

"Really, my profitable members are saying this? You're not kidding me, do you? Man, my plan is working, it is really working!"

I then got up from my chair, went next to the director who still had the shakes, and I slapped him on the shoulder. "Good job, Rachid. Or Robert. Or whatever."

An intense feeling of joy and empowerment swept through my whole body. I felt so lightheaded to know that, I jumped on the table and proceeded to do the Profitable Growth Dance, something I l was initiated to in India against my will during our '09 Annual Tour. "I'm the king of the IT world" I shouted. I wished I had a lollipop.

I was so happy that I thought I should raise the workweek to 42 hours across the board. Or let members pay for their own parking spot. But my internal self-control reminded me of The Plan. Must execute the plan, I said. Diszipline, Meik, diszipline. I then exploded in a loud, sadistic laugh, rubbing my hands together. "The Plan, The Plan! If only they knew!"

When I looked at the director, I noticed that he went through self-combustion probably due to high stress, a pile of smoking ashes meshed with pin-stripped fabric was taking his place, the company pin sitting on top.

Can someone from HR get back to me with the name of this guy? And please, recycle the pin.

At last!

Finally someone who understands what CGI is all about. It’s not easy to find someone outside the C-suite who understands this, but I found one on RateMyEmployer.ca who reached that level of wisdom by himself/herself. Maybe this person actually read our annual report and was hit by a powerful bolt of insight, who knows.

Like any company that is accountable to the shareholder, CGI's focus is on making money. Period. It's not on delivering quality management advice or automated systems. It's money.

YES! It’s so good and refreshing to hear this, some many people have this fear/disgust of money, like it’s a taboo or some shameful disease you’re not allowed to disclose. Yes, CGI is about making money. Period.



CGI is very good at exploiting it's position as an approved services provider for the Federal Government. In many cases, the govn't has no choice but to give work to CGI and they know it. Quality of work is barely above unsatisfactory - but that doesn't matter. CGI's culture is that of entitlement. They're entitled to make money hand over fist. Ooops, is our project late? Oh well, read your contract; it says that it's your fault and now you have to pay us more. Hahahaha! (p.s. not an exaggeration).

Doing business is sometimes about banging the client and explaining to him that it is for the greater good. I like those situations where the government has practically no choice but to give us the contract because our people have been on-site for a couple for years and they are the only who know who their shitty system works. Internal employees are just sitting there until retirement. What happens if we get out of this client? All hell breaks loose because their copier has more functions than the average employee. So the client extends us for another 5 years. This is great, I don’t see the issue here. Let’s continue.



I witnessed many unsavoury practises during my years working for the Ottawa branch. I've seen companies bought by CGI only to have each and every last employee fired once the clientèle was secured. I've seen coworkers with lots of experience replaced on projects by less experienced ones and then let go. I've seen our once generous benefits disappear entirely (not unique to CGI but it was sold to us as "temporary" and then never reinstated). I've seen people laid off and then given no severance (each employee had to fight for it).

When we buy a company, what we look for are the financial assets (i.e. money in the bank) and their customers. A consultant is just a consultant, it's like a screwdriver they are easily exchangeable. Don’t give me that crap about “lots of experience” replaced by “less experienced” because it’s a legitimate way to boost your earnings. Replacing a $80K consultant with another one that makes $60K means that you pocket $20K at the end of year. The end result will be the same. 20 years from now it won’t make a single difference if John or Mike or Susan or that Chinese guy whose name cannot be pronounced did the job. What will matter is a strong balance sheet.

I’m currently reviewing the salaries at Stanley, I can tell you right away that at least 40% of them are overpaid and will have to sacrifice themselves in the name of profitable growth. They probably drive BMWs, so by switching to a used Chevy they should be able to keep their job and be proud of it.



All in all, this is to be expected when you work to make someone else rich.

Here the wisdom ends on a sour note, as this employee figured out that wealth does not exist in the employment universe unless you screw clients at an investment bank. What can I say? People are groomed to be obedient and docile and sometimes their behaviour change over time, when they realized that their CEO is making 50 times more money than they do.

An open letter to Stanley shareholders

Sometimes the best option is to take the money and run.

Our recently accounted buyout of Stanley is creating a light turmoil that frankly I didn't expect. Some people feel that a 21% premium over market price is not enough, and I gotta say I feel offended by such unreasonable expectations. What's a fair price if not what buyers of your public shares are willing to pay? Is 31% over a fair price? Or 26? Or maybe 200%?

Sometimes I get the feeling that U.S. shareholders are getting used to free lunches, used to have their fat butt saved by the government. Americans are addicted to state capitalism, the Obama administration saved a bunch of turds from self-destruction, General Motors, AIG, Freddie Mac, all those douchebags should have sink like any mediocre organization deserve.

Point is, shareholders sometimes need to accept that their shares are worth zero, like Bear Stearns. Sometimes a company is saved from sinking by generous corporate raiders, like HP purchasing Palm - and they paid a good premium on that. And sometimes a good company is purchased by an even greater company so that a merged entity can continue its golden journey on the profitable growth path.

But what can I say, sometimes people just want more money even if they can't explain why. And don't throw yourself into the arms of C-grade lawyers lurking on Yahoo's message boards looking to rack a huge fee of Stanley's shareholders. These scumbags don't actually give a damn, I hope you know that?

So to all SXE shareholders out there, jump on the CGI ship while the stock is still under $20. Hear what Chip has to say.

Members Column Day: More Crybabies

Dear members, there are days where I wish I'd chosen a career path in the agriculture industry. When you drive your John Deere across the field, you don't hear wheat complaining. When you're in the barn, you don't hear cow talking about getting unions in. Even pigs are happy, and we all know they'd be the first to overthrow the farmer and start wearing Hugo Boss suits.

A knife went threw my heart when I read this CGI bashing on Glassdoor.com:

Cons: Published values not respected from upper management and down the chain. No IT leadership as this company follows the train and is mostly for "body" placement. Very little empowerment of employees as decisions power is kept at the top with little delegation thru the ranks (middle management and employees). Management structure changes frequently. Very weak HR function with few described roles and responsibilities. No ombudsman to enforce sound management practices. Training is hard to come by. On the whole, a large company managed like a small one.

This anonymous coward from Montreal is being tracked right now by our internal intelligence service, he or she will be sent to a dungeon to administer a Lotus Notes server remotely. Nevertheless, it hurts me. Why? It's not because this dweeb is saying false things per se, because as a whole I agree with the guy.

Yes, we're a body shop, we parachute consultants (viruses) in clients site (hosting body) and we bill top rate for whatever skill they have (infectious disease), be it SharePoint, BizTalk, WebSphere, the works. Multiply that action by thousands, and you start talking profitable growth.

Yes, we have no ombudsman because this kind of function is for the weak - get an ombudsman in and next thing you know you hear talk about socialism and unions. The basic idea behind ombudsmen is that they are supposed to act as a neutral position between employees and management. Problem is, my view of the CEO position at CGI is pretty close to this one. Therefore, an ombudsman is of no use and it saves me $100K a year.

Yes, there is no empowerment, this is done on purpose pal because our empire is being driven by a handful of people. Can you imagine the Death Star being run by several committees reporting to Vader? One middle manager trooper might decide to blast a small moon because he had a bad day, and then Sir Darth himself would have to issue a press release saying he's sorry his organization ran amok.

It hurts me so much to hear members take positive aspects of the company (no empowerment, no ombudsman, company managed like a small one) and turn them viciously into sleazy comments. People have no respect for profitable growth, I'm telling you.

Now get back to work you sissy, enlarge your BU revenues for a change.

From India to PEI

Here's an interesting post about CGI members who went from India to Prince Edward Island. I can't imagine the cultural gap those brave people have to adapt to. You deserve a virtual medal, I'll create one on the intranet. Now, did those members participate in the ritual dance? Anyway, the article prompted the usual whiners to post some ridiculous comments such as this one:

Having worked at CGI for more than 10 years, I can tell you morale in CGI in Montreal is at an all time low. When people are on the bench and not chargable to a project, they are being forced to take mandatory vacations to avoid being layed off, who wouldn't choose that.. Meanwhile, they are continuously shipping IT jobs to India where cheap labor reigns supreme. The average salary in India is under $15,000.00 CAD where by similar in Montreal would be in the range of $55,000.00 to $70,000. CGI is making a killing off the back of Indian resources who are getting very good training from school.

Point taken, but CGI is not a welfare organization. Our mission is not to employ to most expensive IT person. Dude, if you're making $70K, I need to talk to my HR people about profitable growth. But this crybaby had more to say:

All in all, I moved on to greener grass and I'm glad I left CGI when I did because now the company has forced their employees to work an additional 2.5 hours per week (37.5 hours to 40.0) for the exact same salary....

Bye bye, double bag.

Delivering profit-sharing

A few weeks from now, those who are worthy will get their profit-sharing check in the mail. I know, I know, some of you happen to work for a lame business unit that didn’t reach their sales numbers, and as a result you will eat processed chicken for Christmas.

The alternative – that is giving a profit-sharing bonus even to those who work for underperforming business units – would be totally anti-capitalist. Money goes to those who deserve it.

This means that those who don’t get anything have to work double-hard in ’10, like really push yourself to bill more. Some whiners on Glassdoor.com say this is completely unfair, my response is to remind them that CGI is not forced to share its profit. We could keep it all to ourselves, grow our available margin to do an acquisition, and laugh all the way to the bank (and we all know bankers like to laugh). It's like if you have this filthy rich uncle who drives a Ferrari and he gives 4-figure check to everyone in his extended family for Christmas, some will find a way to say this is not enough. You can't please everyone.

If you did perform well as an individual, like real exceptional, but your VP is total clown who screwed up and lost good accounts, what can I say. Life is unfair. Rest assured, the clown will be summoned and I’ll make sure he runs his circus outside of CGI. I have this secret trap in my office with a button underneath my desk, I’ve always wanted to have this since I was a kid watching WB cartoons on Saturday. Push the button, the person disappears from my sight and ends up in a dumpter.

You can't please everyone

Another nugget of management wisdom: whenever someone drops into your office and starts the conversation by saying that they disagree with you, first put both hands on your ears and start singing “I CAN’T HEAR YOU”.

Fact is, you cannot please everyone inside your company, yet everyone at the C-level. When you’re the king, you must act like one and politely crush anyone who disagrees. If you lack inspiration, read about Henri VIII – this dude would be a top CEO in today’s world.

My assistant came over this morning saying that I get a 37% approval rate on Glassdoor.com, yet another Web site for whiners who have issues with their employer and who look forward to disclose their confidential salaries. Natalie, I said, I don’t give a shiitake about my popularity down the ranks, but I’ll look into it. And please order another batch of bumper stickers that say “Stop Global Whining”, we’ll distribute them at the next shareholder meetings – that’ll set the tone.

So I spent half an hour during lunchtime reading what my lazy employees are complaining about. Let’s entertain ourselves, shall we? Let's read Whiner #1:

Compensation is not high as expected. Not much importance given to growth of the members

Dude, you didn’t understand the sheer genius behind our “profitable growth” theme. Growth is about adding dollars and pennies to our float. $272.408M, and I check this number every morning to get a good start. If you want to grow, take a yoga class or something. Next in line:

I was shocked to learn that once my project ends, I will be "on the bench" and I have 2-3 weeks to find a new project within the company, or I lose my job

You were shocked? That’s right, sucker, if you don’t bring revenue to your business unit, why should we pay you to watch YouTube while you pretend to find a new project. Bench time must be use in a productive fashion, like learning fashionable skills such as COBOL so we can tag you on a project with a high mark up. If no one wants you on their project, maybe you should start to doubt your own personal value on the market, don’t you think? Self-doubt works like magic, and next thing you know you’ll be flipping patties at MickeyD.

Executive hold out possibility of bonus if business unit meet profit margin, then sets unrealistic margin (is 13% after tax profit realistic in this economy?).

C’mon, if a CEO doesn’t raise the bar who will? Work your ass off, try to squeeze more money from your customers, and make an effort to please your king – I mean your CEO. If your internal costs are too high, hire a stubborn accountant with an inferiority complex and let the guy loose in your spreadsheets. He’ll trim the fat, and by the end of the year you’ll reach your margin objectives, and you’ll say “That was easy”.

Stop whining and start billing

My assistant Natalie had lunch with me today and told me that some employees are voicing their concerns over the Internet. Yeah, right, I told her, who is complaining now? Those lazy asses whose work week was raised from 37.5 to 40 hours a week? C'mon, those guys are home by 6 every day and they watch their huge plasma TV paid with MY MONEY, what could they possibly whine about? My father was clocking 90 hours in a steel mill filled with asbestos, rats and unionized workers, and he was happy as a clam. Not exactly true, but you see my point.

Natalie pointed me this site, which is filled with rants from disgruntled IT workers apparently from my company. Criminy, why can't people just do their job and get a sense of accomplishment from this? I give them stellar raises of 2-3%, I give them several layers of management, and they still want more? This bozo here says we're treating employees like animals. Yeah right, when you're old and tired we take you behind the barn with a rifle. Boom. This other one here says he worked for us 10 years with no raise. We gave you 2% a year buddy, stop whining and start making sales call to impress your business unit VP. Secure a billion dollar outsourcing contract, and then MAYBE you'll get the recognition you deserve. Raises have been topped at 5% anyway, so we're fair with everyone.