Bachand explains how the universe will collapse before the next election

The King of Creative Accounting is seen here as he explains that the universe will eventually collapse into a sphere the size of a melon, at which point fundamental particles will break down and everything will turn into a warm bowl of quarks.  Raymond was quick to demonstrate that the public debt will not matter at this point, whatever will remain of Moody's will be irrelevant and - most importantly - everyone will be happy.  So go spend your discretionary money while there's still time, he said.

A few journalists scratched their head but no one challenged the physics behind this.

Happy Raymond then explained to this fans in a casual tone that the annual deficit - not the debt - is apparently lower than expected.  This comes as a total surprise, considering that he raised the provincial tax by 2 points during the past 24 months, that he also raised taxes on gasoline, that wines & spirits sold by the Quebec government are prohibitively expensive, just to name a few things.  Ray then reassured everyone that his administration was the best thing on Earth.

Er.

Imagine yourself on a cruise, as you sip a gin tonic on the upper deck you hear the sound of the captain's voice on the speaker.  The ship has hit an iceberg and iced water is rushing inside the hull.  Some harsh critics on board theorize that the ship could be sinking, considering that water cannot enter a ship indefinitely, but the entire staff reassures passengers that everything is under control.  To prove the point, captain Raymond "The Unsinkable" Bachand holds a small press conference in the ballroom.

"There are good news", says the jolly captain.  "We managed to patch some of the holes and the ship is now sinking at a lower rate".  Everyone in the audience gives the captain a round of applause.  "It's true that we used body parts from casualties to fill those holes, but is was limited to middle class passengers.  It is normal to ask of those to contribute their fair share so the ship doesn't go down.  Rest assured, lower class passengers will not be asked to contribute".  The crowd erupted in joy.

"But there's more!" says Captain Bachand.  "We dispatched more staff with buckets in the lower decks, and everyone is hard at work to remove the water.  Within the next 2 years we should be able to evacuate as much water out as it is coming in, this will be a terrific achievement!"

The crowd cheered and raised their glasses of champagne to the well-being of the smart commander of the ship, and sang loudly : Ride, captain ride, upon your mystery ship.  Be amazed, at the friends, you have here on your trip.

Find your lifejacket before the government prohibits them.

That sinking feeling

Curly knows the end is coming sooner than expected.  Despite his limited intellect, he is able to foresee that his administration is sinking faster than the Bismarck.   He's being butt-fucked by all the students on strike, cops are being severely beaten by students, violence is rampant all over Montreal, and stories of mobs getting juicy public contracts make headlines every day .  

But Curly remains cool as a cucumber.  This guy could swim in a deep pool of manure and yet retain a fresh smell afterward and make jokes about it.

Even Happy Raymond, seen here on the left, plays Angry Birds because he knows the end of time is coming.   Or maybe he's texting some buddies because he does not understand how to read a balance sheet.  Probably the former, he does not give a shiitake about finance anyway.  

Education minister Lyne Beauchamp, on the right, is wondering what fat job she could land after her political career will be over.  Maybe some comfy chair in Paris like many of her predecessors, dealing with "cultural exchange" between Quebec and France, where you can get paid top dollar to host lavish parties, talk rubbish and not be accountable for anything.  Who knew a degree in psychology could get her so far?  

When you look at them in the eyes, you come to the same conclusion: these guys could not care less.  They fucked the system and milked it for all it's worth, the next administration will do the same until the Final Collapse.  That Greek moment when money talks and everything else is muted by the sheer force of reality.  

Do you understand when I say that these clowns could not last a minute inside a public company where every dollar we earn, every penny we pay you is analyzed by Wall Street and impacts our stock price before the market close?  These politicians could not even clean the lavatory, because it requires a clear and unequivocal understanding of "clean" and "dirty".

I asked my top lieutenants to review Project Exodus.  Business continuity at CGI cannot be impacted by political turmoil.  

The end is near.  But keep working.

Harold Camping fucked the faithful

Back in August, I warned you that the end-of-the-world-as-we-know-it was a hoax. Despite my warnings, some members just went nuts and announced their resignation on May 20th. Since the so-called rapture would have occurred over the week-end and the nice persons would take a short non-stop flight to the Pearly Gate and the subpar souls would suffer hell until the termination of Earth on Oct. 21st.

Interestingly enough, those same members came back on Monday morning and tried to act like their religious delusion never happened. It was just funny, it was an invitation to tease them.

Note to self: those members will gladly accept a 0% raise on their yearly meeting. Ask HR to come up with a catchy paragraph that says something like You're a total douchebag and as a result we'll assign you to difficult projects where you'll get waked.

And in case you've not noticed, Harold screwed the whole camping and then some, rumor goes that this snakeoil salesman from God has a personal fortune of $18M.

Camping The First should have learned from the industry best practices that profitable growth works best when the business model is a sustainable one. True, the sucker is 89 years old and he could blow a valve anytime. But still, this con artist should have learned from best-of-class dickheads such as Ron Hubbard whose organization still screws the faithfuls after his death.

That my friend is what separate the street thiefs from grand criminals. Harry the Happy Camper is just a wimp, a man of limited intellect who ensured that his credibility was bar none by predicting the end of the world too soon.

If CampyHarry had 2 once of brain, he'd announced the destruction of the world at least 100 years from now, therefore ensuring a steady stream of clueless donations from believers. Thanks to compounding interests and shrewd investments such as this great Canadian IT company on the TSX (wink, wink), he could have built a lasting empire.

Better yet, he could have built a legitimate front to his organization, I don't know like IT consulting (totally random choice) where the faithful do something even more profitable. You know the world's about to end, instead of going berserk and blowing your savings account on a stupid billboard next to the highway, do your family a service and bring a paycheck home in the meantime. If the rapture takes place sooner, we'll send you an SMS.

Watch Harry as he prepares an escape before Oct 21.

The workplace and the entertainment world

I was sitting in the porch last night, enjoying a Labatt Porter after an excellent pot roast, when my mind traced an interesting parallel between today's workplace and the entertainment business.

50 years ago, when you went to see a movie or buy a record, men were real men. Gene Kelley had grace. Sinatra had style. Miles had talent. Slim was the king. Same with gals. Andrews. Bergman. Gosh I love her.

Power up your large plasma screen tonight and analyze what you see. Lindsay going in and out of rehab. John & Kate showing their so-called misery to millions of brain dead viewers. Talent-free people singing off-key during prime time. And when you thought you'd hit the bottom of the barrel, you discover her.

Ladies & gentlemen, our world is being UPSed to hell. But you should not be learning anything at this point.

The parallel with the workplace creates a daunting perspective. 50 years ago the business environment was very different than what we see today. People had objectives. Ruthless tycoons were sweeping the world and pushing products and services to the marketplace in less time than it takes to finish a whiskey sour.

Today's business world is so complicated that J.P. Morgan would abandon the idea of building a nation-wide railroad system. Government would require to rubber-stamp every rail and nail before it is laid down. The idea of charcoal-driven locomotive would be shot down by environment fanatics with no college degree. J.P. would spend his days talking about Sarbox or PCI-DSS compliance instead of nailing down his competitors in the mud.

You don't believe me? Look at the time it took me to acquire Stanley, and ask yourself how long it would have taken someone during the Rockefeller-days.

People with no talent have infiltrated every sphere of our world. And talent-free individuals clog our way of living and doing business. 42% of all workers in Quebec are unionized. Eventually, the prevalence of morons should lead to the destruction of the world. Stupidity is not only tolerated, it is widely accepted as the gold standard.

While we cannot gear society in a different direction for the moment, we can structure our companies to take bosozity into account. If your company is like mine, you know you have very few A players, a bunch of B players and a truckload of F players.

Join me today on a crusade to grow talent at minimal cost. We badly need people with brains, but such endeavor must NOT impact our bottom line. Wall Street analysts do not check if your company has a lot of brain power, but they do check earnings.

Welcome back! The world's about to end!

Dear members across the globe, I hope you took some nice vacations and that you are fully rested. Because next year will be hell. Just joking. Well kinda.

I didn't take any time off because the Stanley deal is consuming so much of my time, more on that later.

I've been told by a one generic VP I employ that some people apparently think the world is coming to an end on May 21, 2011. It's a Saturday, so we can expect minimum business disruption. It's doesn't say a GMT time where this should occur, as it might already be Sunday in Asia.

Despite the fact that there would be less than a year before Judgement Day, those folks are asking for donations which seems to me like totally pointless.

Quote: This web site serves as an introduction and portal to four faithful ministries which are teaching that WE CAN KNOW from the Bible alone that the date of the rapture of believers will take place on May 21, 2011 and that God will destroy this world on October 21, 2011

This is very interesting and those who critic the time it takes for CGI to acquire Stanley should read this. God plans a 5-month due diligence process before destroying the Earth. I don't know about you, but that seems a awful lot of time to me. Why 5 months? Are lawyers involved in this or just God alone? Is there any dry run planned in the schedule before the actual planet demolition? Can businesses still operate until Oct. 21? I mean, I'd like to know if I can bill a customer up to that date as part of my forecasting process.

Anyway. It made my day. I'll make sure to follow up on this.