New HR selection criteria

Just so you know, new selection criteria have been sent to our HR lieutenants for all job interviews.  This new policy reflects our on-going concern to hire top shelf candidates who will blend with our corporate culture.  This is a sample of the questions we now toss during interviews:

1. Do you share the belief that money is evil?  If so, show me what's inside your wallet.

2. Are you a registered member of  any political party whose purpose is to destroy the supply-and-demand economy in favour of a state-controlled system run by unionized bureaucrats?

3. Is that a red square pinned on your jacket?  Tell us more about this.

4. Is we report stellar earnings at the end of this quarter, how would you feel about this?

5. Are your parents or any close relative member of a registered union such the CSN or the FTQ?

6. What kind of books do you enjoy to read?  Karl who?

7. Have you ever traveled to China, the former USSR or Cuba?  Who did you meet with over there?

8. How comfortable are you with wealth?  Do you share the viewpoint that behind every fortune lies a hidden crime?

9. Tell us more about your friends, what do you talk about when you gather over a drink?

10. Are you on Facebook?  Yes?  This is great, it shows you are forward thinking person.  Now, tell us your ID.

Unionized nightmares

I’ve been having some recurring nightmares recently, maybe it’s time I go back in therapy. For instance, I woke up last night screaming “freedom” in a Braveheart fashion, my favourite Richie Rich PJs were damped with sweat.

I dreamt CGI had been taken over by unions. A horrible dream, I gotta tell you.

We’d been infiltrated by the CSN, one of the most vicious union organizations here in Quebec and I had to run every decision through this communist witch. Our company was paralyzed, after years of profitable growth CGI was stuck in a dead-end. Salaries and benefits were out of control, we could barely break even and Wall Street analysts were bashing us (well that’s not news). We had lost maybe 30% of workforce, the best people had left the ship.

Left-wing politicians were telling the press that CGI was a mature company and it was time for unions to get in and bang us so that everyone can benefit. Nature was taking its course, they were saying. I could see myself in my office, head in my hands, overlooking a sea of red ink. The picture of our fearless founders in the boardroom had been replaced with ones of Stalin, Marx and Lenin.

The profitable growth theme had been replaced by “equitable growth’, the company annual report looked more like a socialist manifesto than a financial document.

I was so depressed that I resigned and went back to my native Pembroke where I was now growing canola because it was highly subsidized by the federal government.

What a horrible dream, I was so shaken by this apocalyptic vision that I went into my home office and checked on my computer the balance of all CGI bank accounts to sooth my troubled soul. What I have done to deserve such torment?

The Canadian PM called

PM as in prime minister, not project manager. Although I think Canada would be better managed these days by any freaking idiot with a PMI diploma. Look at this guy.

When George W. Bush was president of the United States it was difficult to find the head of country who looked more inapt. So during those years our dorky Canadian PM looked actually smart, but that was before the American economy tanked and the world was fedexed to hell. Now that Obama runs the Oval Office, our PM looks pretty much like a hack actor who doesn’t look convincing enough to get a infomercial job.

So Stephen called me last night, enquiring about CGI. When a politician asks you an open question, you can bet your pants that he has a long detailed agenda hidden underneath the seemingly naïve question. Never trust those guys. So I go, well CGI is fine our stock is up, our members are happy.

Stephen seemed to totally ignore my response and went straight to the point. Michael he says, I heard rumours that you might sell CGI to a foreign company, I just wanted you to know that the Canadian government cannot let this happen. I’ve been in the hot seat for a long time and my political opponents especially the blue commies will kill me if I let another Canadian company be sold to foreign interests.

So I go, Stephen, CGI is a public company and we’re doing our best to make the investors happy. If making our investors happy means selling the company to Krispy Kreme then I’ll bring donuts to our board. Of course I'd like to sell CGI to Canadian interests, but let's talk frankly the buyers list is kinda short ya know? Nortel is being dismantled as we speak, Bell is slowing sinking to the bottom of the sea and there's not a single company between Vancouver and St John that has enough cash right now to buy us. So yes I'm shopping South if that's your question, and East too.

Stephen goes, what if we nationalize CGI Group, this would stabilize the situation and this could not be worse than the U.S. buying Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae. Voters would accept this.

I went ballistic, Stephen I said you're the son of accountant so maybe you'll get this straight. Shareholders expect their shares to perform you know, and right now we're not doing bad at all. Do you really think your voters will be stupid enough to trade CGI shares for saving bonds that perform less than the actual inflation? How do you manage to sell this crap anyway?

Stephen said that he had an emergency to deal with (maybe a new haircut), so he had to go and said that we should talk again soon. Sure I said.