Profitable Growth - The Musical!

Criminey, this CGI magic thing is getting out of control. Got a call this week-end from Peter, who's apparently a big producer on and off Broadway. Said the current shows are tired, everyone saw Les Miserables 20 times, the Disney musicals don't attract the affluent boomer crowd and producers are looking for the next big thing.

Pete said a friend of his who toils in IT forwarded the video of CGI members dancing the polka in Mumbai and Pete was floored. This is the hot ticket for 2010, he said.

I said, Pete what the fuck are you talking about? A couple of IT workers do a few steps on a stage, that's not new to me. An acoustic guitar, a few chords, that's not rocket science.

Pete said, no no no Mike, you don't understand. After the mortgage meltdown, AIG doing down the tube and Maddoff behind bars, this is what people crave for, honesty from regular naive workers and profitable growth as the new mantra. Don't you see Mike, the CGI magic has to be put on Broadway. This will appeal to regular folks and to investment bankers as well. Dude, financial analysts will line up like fucking lemmings to see this musical. The 2 train will be jam packed after the closing bell.

I said to Pete, speaking of profitable growth, how does this idea translate into black ink on my bottom line? I don't mind this Hee Haw thing on Broadway, I can even provide some people that are on the bench right now awaiting layoff, but - let's speak frankly here - what's in it for me?

Pete said, of course we'll split the benefits Mike, but picture this. The CGI logo, 200 feet tall, on Broadway. I can even find you a part in the musical if you're up to it. I was thinking about Peter Woodward or Patrick Stewart, they're bald and much more expressive than you, but if you want to dance the CGI magic on stage Mike I'll let you do it. How does that sound, he said, I need a decision now.

I said, let me think about it Pete, I need to work on the numbers first. We agreed to talk later this week.

Now dear readers, I am unsure about this musical thing, I need your advice. Should CGI sponsor a musical on Broadway to promote profitable growth?

Breaking news! CGI to ban dividends forever!

Don't we all have this passionate relationship with money? People who claim they have little interest in money are either liars or .... well they are just liars. Cash is related to life, love and the meaning of the universe.

We had this big meeting this week in Montreal, where we announced that shareholders won't get a dime in dividends. Sure, folks were angry and threw me all sort of veggies when I was on stage, a pineapple even landed 2 feet from me. I'm trying to decipher the message.

If I make my employees more happy, this won't bring me any additional revenues, right? If I make my shareholders happy, they'll buy more wine but this won't create new strategic opportunities. No, I keep money in the bank. Period. Money quote: It's very hard to do something when you don't believe it's the right thing to do.

Then I went with the usual spiel about CGI looking aggressively to expand in the U.S. and Europe. Boilerplate stuff, really, this is the same freaking lines I've been reading for 6 years I guess. 60% of our revenues still come from Canada, I have a hard time convincing analysts that we're a global company. I show them our Ritual Dancers from India, they like the catchy song but this does not translate into additional revenues.

Another good quote: If you want to make sure that you can power through economic times that are uncertain, you want to go where the fish are and it's in financial services and it's in government.

As we all know, there are fat fishes swimming in financial services and especially in government. The mortgage meltdown proved that financial services is inhabited by crooks and all sort of retards who will do absolutely anything for money, so outsourcing their IT allows them to focus on new strategies to package debts into fancy products. As for government, well, money is unlimited and wisdom is scarce, so it's still a pretty good clients.

FYI, we changed the company bylaws to that CGI will never ever pay a single dividend. If me or any future CEO decides one day to pay dividends, the CEO is relieved from duty due to insanity. If the board decides to pay a dividend, they'll be fed to the lions or crocodiles (both species are uncommon in Montreal, we need to address that).

So keep your expectations low, dear members. And get back to work, I need more revenues.

From India to PEI

Here's an interesting post about CGI members who went from India to Prince Edward Island. I can't imagine the cultural gap those brave people have to adapt to. You deserve a virtual medal, I'll create one on the intranet. Now, did those members participate in the ritual dance? Anyway, the article prompted the usual whiners to post some ridiculous comments such as this one:

Having worked at CGI for more than 10 years, I can tell you morale in CGI in Montreal is at an all time low. When people are on the bench and not chargable to a project, they are being forced to take mandatory vacations to avoid being layed off, who wouldn't choose that.. Meanwhile, they are continuously shipping IT jobs to India where cheap labor reigns supreme. The average salary in India is under $15,000.00 CAD where by similar in Montreal would be in the range of $55,000.00 to $70,000. CGI is making a killing off the back of Indian resources who are getting very good training from school.

Point taken, but CGI is not a welfare organization. Our mission is not to employ to most expensive IT person. Dude, if you're making $70K, I need to talk to my HR people about profitable growth. But this crybaby had more to say:

All in all, I moved on to greener grass and I'm glad I left CGI when I did because now the company has forced their employees to work an additional 2.5 hours per week (37.5 hours to 40.0) for the exact same salary....

Bye bye, double bag.

Big announcement at CGI this week

I can't tell you more, I'm just teasing you. But something is coming up, you will be impacted. Operation Profitable Growth. More later.

The reverse butterfly effect

During my talks at the '09 annual tour, I had the opportunity of interrogating many CGI members about their relationship with our company. Nothing beats some face to face talk to spot some devious psychological profiles.

From those fascinating conversations I was able to extrapolate a new management concept that I called the "reverse butterfly effect". The standard butterfly effect is of course a metaphor where a very small difference (let's say, you) can produce a large effect on something (let's say, a 26,000 company). Of course this is a total delusion, such things only happen on the silver screen.

The reverse butterfly effect works like this: A very large event or variation does not have any effect on the smallest unit of a system. Sounds intriguing? Follow me.

CGI just announced a $395 million contract with the U.S. government. That's a news of galactic proportions, even the most simple-minded Wall Street retard can understand this. Serge and I were high fiving each other yesterday, I was almost dancing on my desk (but I didn't).

What's the effect of this news on a CGI member down the line? Zero. Bar none. How's that possible? Because the powerful significant event is distributed through some many gears and processes that in the end, it does not affect the typical employee. If a star explodes in a supernova on the other side of the galaxy, you and I will maybe get a few gamma rays but that's it, it won't change anything right?

It is therefore why the following conversation is very typical between a CGI member and a relative:

Relative: Son, I just read in the newspaper that CGI signed a huge contract with the government, I don't recall the number, many millions. You must be proud to work there.

You: Kinda.

Relative: Will you be working on that contract?

You: No. It's not my business unit that got the contract, it has nothing to do with me. Anyway, CGI tagged me on this blackhole project for 5 years, there's no possible parole.

Relative: You're a bright young man, I'm sure CGI will pick the best resources to work on this contract, I'm sure you'll get a call even if it's not your BU that got the contract.

You: Dad, CGI doesn't work like this.

Relative: You must be proud to work for Michael Roach.

You: Mike who?

This is so wrong

An anonymous reader sent me the following link over the week-end, this is a spoof of the official CGI India video that I talked about last week.

This is so wrong. How could laugh at people who are fundamentally happy at work, so happy that they perform a ritual dance for their beloved CEO? How often to you see that?

If only all CGI members could devote their residual energy to find new sources of revenues and increase profitable growth...

That Jonestown feeling

The '09 CGI annual tour was an opportunity for us to do a partnership with an anonymous pharmaceutical drug company. I can't tell you their name, but we're talking big guys. Anyway, we're now outsourcing all their IT systems on a 10-year contract.

In exchange for this service, they asked CGI to test an experimental drug on some of our members, nothing harmful they assured. So we did a secret test with our India business unit, we added some undisclosed substance in a bowl of Kool-Aid during one event, you can see the guys at 1:19 tasting the recipe.

What we didn't know is that the experimental substance does a weird thing to your brain when combined with Indian food. See for yourself.