How grateful

It has dipped a bit below $20 to take its breath, but our stock is on its way to stardom. I mean, last time we hit that high it was Y2K hysteria and Netscape was 5 years old. Financial analysts once again are awaking from their deep coma and realize that we've been telling the truth all the time and they decided to upgrade us from "dull" to "divinely attractive"

Yours truly is of course the main actor behind this success, although I try to keep a humble profile and stay "in character". You won't see me driving a Ferrari to work and moon the innocent pedestrian to showcase irrational exuberance in line with our financial statements.

Nevertheless, I am a bit disappointed by the lack of feedback from my dear profitable members. I mean, I don't expect to be treated like the winning SuperBowl coach (don't pour Gatorade on my suit, I'll kill you), but you know I'd love to receive a couple of e-mails that say Boss, ya know all that crap about profitable growth, well you were right, I know we're being neglected and paid very little, but I can now go to sleep and know it is for a greater good.

No nothing. Not a single thank you. Let me refresh my Outlook. No. Zilch.

I don't get no respect to quote the late Rodney, but it's okay. Sigh.

Debunking the dividend myth

I was having this morning a discussion with yet another "financial reporter" from a newspaper whose name escapes me, and I was prompted to give thoughts on whether or not CGI should pay - gasp - dividends to its shareholders.

My feelings are always the same on this topic, and let me guide you through my inescapable logic. Let's say you check your account balance one day and discover that you were able to save $10K during the last year or so. This wonderful fact might trigger some thoughts as whether or not you should indulge in Full HD entertainment or buy a top-of-line DSLR.

Instead of shoving that 10K into discretionary expenses, let's say you go to the ATM and retrieve all that money into $20 bills. You then knock on the door of your neighbour and when he opens the door, you give him a crisp $20 bill. You then go to the next house on the street, give $20, and repeat the process until you run out of cash.

Would that cash distribution sound totally absurd? Dear members that's what dividends are, and to me it sounds like a serious psychological disorder. My therapist doesn't entirely agree, but to hell with him.

Listen to what the great Warren Buffett said in 1997: We don't pay dividends because we think we can turn every dollar we make into more than a dollar in market value. He conveyed a similar message at Berkshire’s 2008 annual meeting, where he remarked: “The test on dividends is, ‘can you create more than $1 of value with the one you retain?’ … We hope to move the capital to a place where it will be worth $1.20"

If we follow's Warren's logic, those who issue dividends are D-grade managers who cannot turn a loonie into something more, therefore they give money to augment their personal prestige rather than working their ass off for the shareholders.

My feelings are exactly the same, why should we give fedex money to whining shareholders who don't know manure about our business when we can invest that same money into pursuing acquisitions? Why should we plow dough into employees perks and benefits when it does not impact our earnings? Last time I checked, there's no "Happiness" line in a financial statement.

This is something I'm trying to explain to my board of directors. They are this wonderful collection of wealthy baby boomers, yet they think CGI should be the vehicle to fund the next 6 generations of their families. They pressure me to issue dividends like you could not believe. They whine about their 7-series that doesn't start when it's -20c, they whine about prohibitively expensive tuition fees for their kids, for god sake then even whine about the price of Rice Crispies. GIB dividends would bring them so close to total happiness, or so they say.

So rest assured dear members, our cash reserve won't fuel useless dividends nor will they be spent on doomsday scenarios such as retirement funds for our employees. Profitable growth is my personal mission and nothing will stop me.

Now get back to work.

Dear God, please kill me.

The Prince of Financial Darkness is now asking for the opinion of ordinary citizens in light of the upcoming 2011-2012 Quebec budget. It's like Charles Manson being asked to give the keynote at a pro-life event or Don Cherry advising customers at Harry Rosen.

I mean, I could pretend I care about my employees opinion and ask them what direction my company should take, but I don't. I'm the farging CEO. I'm being paid to take decisions and lead this organizations toward financial nirvana (for the shareholder, that is).

So SuperRaymond launched a "prebudget consultation" on his Web site, except this sucker had no money to put an English version along the French version. C'est la vie. Look at him in the picture above. Would you buy a used car from this man?

I spent about 15 minutes surfing this electronic goulash that bears more resemblance to early draft of Politburo propaganda than sound financial plans backed by a solid understanding of the situation. Happy Raymond wants to be a reassuring figure, all your social benefits define who you really are and your tightly-managed government is working days and nights to preserve this by doing creative accounting. This uber-crap could be convincing after 6 glasses of wine, but no one with at least a 2-digit IQ will fall for this.

Oh, by the way, we learned earlier this week that 30 government departments in Quebec spent $1.7M in contract services to water the fucking plants in their office. You know those plants, you could water them with your personal fluids or old coffee pots and they could thrive. Revenue Quebec spent $173 000 just to take care of those plants, and guess which smart ass leads this frugal organization? None other than The King of Happiness himself!

Anyway, go take a look if you read French and don't accuse me if you suffer from intellectual dysentery after that. How much taxpayer dollar went into this mess, Ray?

IT is better than politics

I don't want to start any false rumors, but I've been told the chronic mismanagement of the current liberal administration in Quebec is having a major toll on the health of some highly perched politicians.

I watched Curly in the news last week and he was pale as a ghost, his double-chin dangling at every word. This was not the picture of a man following a healthy regimen and sleeping well at night. What can I say, you are the product of your own decisions.

A few minutes after the Scary Curly Show, we learned about the resignation of the president of FTQ Construction, a powerful labor union involved with many public infrastructure projects whose cost double every 6 months. The former president claims the mafia has infiltrated every corner of the industry. Great.

In related news, Happy Raymond (shown here) was talking about his prostate to a CBC reporter after being grilled about the negative effect of raising the sales tax from 7.5% to 8.5%. Look at his gloomy unhealthy face. What's funny about Ramone (well it's not funny) is that everybody profoundly hate his guts. Fiscally responsible advocates hate him because he increases taxes to fund deficient social programs whose cost is skyrocketing. Left-wing nuts and union junkies hate him because his higher-tax policy is impacting everyone, not just the filthy rich who make more than $65K a year.

I mean, it's impossible to please everyone, but to displease everyone and run a fucking huge deficit you have to... well you have to be Raymond. In case your short term memory has erased that priceless quote, this is the guy who claimed that the prime objective of a democratic government is NOT to balance a budget but to make people happy.

I'll miss this guy when he'll be gone.

Dear members, your life in a dimly lit cubicle is 1,000,000 times better than the life of some public figures. Happiness is being able to leave work at work, something middle managers, CEOs and drug dealers simply can't do. Configuring a domain server is piece of cake (I've been told), so enjoy the easy life.

Don't worry, be happy, and fill your time sheet with 40+ hours of billable work.

CGI upgraded to "smouldering hot"

I mean, what did I tell you earlier this week about douche bags who pretends your stock is not "exciting" anymore? Some other people who do not qualify as moronic analysts think CGI is the hottest thing in this quadrant, with a target price of $20.00. Gasp, this would be the greatest event ever, I would tap dance on the desk of institutional investors, I told you so, I told you so.

Oops. Huge mistake. They're talking about another company whose ticket is CGI. Calderon something. Damn those guys, I hate them.

CGI downgraded from "arousing" to "neutered"

The same happens when you buy a new Mercedes, the first few weeks are totally great but then after 6 months you stop enjoying its "newness" and wander around the dealer to spot new models.

Wall Street Analysts were like female teenagers drooling over Justin Bieber (or Elvis Presley) when we purchased Stanley and posted our record Q4, but now the chick-of-the-day is not CGI and they downgraded us as if we're just a bunch of has-been.

To hell with them. Wall Street will upgrade us to "fucking hot" next time we do an acquisition.

Buckle up, the quants are in town

When I was a pubescent youth preaching at the Young Visicalc Enthusiast Club in Ontario, my favorite comic book was the Green Goblin. I know, I don't strike you as the kind of man who read funnies, but I was once a young boy like everyone else. The Goblin was a smart scientist and visionary, and although he had tacky accessories and a bad business plan but he managed to invent a serum that boosted his mental abilities beyond the average human. And considering how low the average joe scores, that serum must have been a piece of cake to invent.

I did try last year some experimental medication from a "consultant" scientist but it did not boost my mental abilities tenfold as printed in the brochure. It gave me a rash though.

So what I'm announcing today is a very humble thing for me to do, and to some extent it shows how human I am despite years of experience in micro-management.

I'm announcing today my decision to hire a team of quants to push the profitable growth models a notch higher, many notches in fact. It's a small team of underpaid mathematicians that I salvaged from an undisclosed Canadian university, but they are amazingly bright, they have no social life or access to social networks and ready to perform any task. Don't look them up in the company directory, they have an office with no Internet access.

Our acquisition of Stanley proved to be very complex from a spreadsheet point of view, and there are now too many variables to take into account when I want to squeeze money. For instance, should I stop reimbursing parking in the New York state because members use parking spaces that cost above what the DOT zombies consider "average parking cost"?

Or should we stop paying for soft drinks when there's a working lunch in the office, and if so how much this saving will snowball 10 years down the road considering the commodities market and expected hikes in soft drink pricing?

This is the kind of intellectual challenge that gives me goose bumps (plus other physiological effects I can't describe here), but I realize that quants will do a better job than me alone crunching numbers on my laptop.

So buckle up dear members, this is a new beginning.