About our credit line

I'm still in a very negative mood from yesterday's news, but Serge advised me to take it easy and maybe open some kind of center of excellence in Nassau to cater the needs of the filthy rich but not famous. Anyhow, today I'd like to share with you our latest press release.

Everywhere you go, you hear business people claim some time-related wisdom, like "time is of the essence" or "whatever happened to the New York minute". Me, I don't give a shiitake about time because this dimension of the universe is on my side. I am sitting on a money printing machine where I don't invest in R&D and my clients are loaded. My enployees have been neutered and comply with the highest obedience standards (ISO something, I can't recall). So what's the rush?

I've been pushed by my board to put out a BS press release because they feel it's mandatory to have the company in the newspapers at least twice every quarter. Sure, I said, I don't have anything smart to say but let's brag about our cash reserve and credit lines, that's will wet the pants of every junior financial analyst out there.

Obviously this drivel might be interpreted as a subtle tactic to lure other IT consulting firms to call me and beg to be bought and integrated into the CGI universe. Money quote: If I find the right company with the right criteria, it could double me in the U.S. and triple me in a sector.

What I don't say is that it's been 6 years since we've done a major acquisition and we can't find any company with the "right criteria". They're too freaking expensive, I want to buy a Bentley for the price of a Ford Focus. Some companies are affordable, but its founders would like to have a direct influence if we were to buy them. My message to them is this: dudes, unless you guys are ex-Bell executives and can prove to me your obedience, there's no way you can fit at CGI. The last thing I need is new VPs who want to run the show.

Managing a CGI business unit here is like running a Subway franchise: we tell you what to put on the walls, we tell you what the menu and the price will be, and we tell you when to smile during the process and how to hand out change to the customer. If you're looking for work where "initiative" is rewarded, maybe you should send your resume to the NHL.

The real subtext is that the company is for sale, we'll never say it though, so this is why we're bragging about how big our bank account is. I will always deny it, but it's the truth. Think about it. When you're selling you car, what do you do? You wash the exterior, you clean it, you remove any trace of weed from the ashtray, you*ll even put some gel on tires to make the clunker look like a real gem. It's the same with selling a company, we implement military-type management, we deploy hundreds of standardized processes, we force PeopleSoft down

the throat of all our business units, we keep salaries extra low, everything so that company looks like a real sparking gem. So when the buyer shows up, he expects to pay a premium to get us.

More later, dear members, Q2 is coming up and there's work to do.

Mad men

Today is a sad day dear members, we citizen must - again - pay the price for the irrational management of the state. Read about the extent of the disaster here. Socialism is a runaway train heading for a cliff, and we're only seeing the edge of the chasm. Raymond here, minister of Finance & Happiness, proved once more he is a total prick.

The “health contribution” will be levied on individuals when they file their income tax and will cost most adults $25 this year and eventually climb to $200 in 2012. Lower-income families will be exempted. The government said the tax will allow for a 5-per-cent increase in health-care spending each year. “Everybody benefits from health care, everybody should pay,” Mr. Bachand said.

Quebec residents will also see a one-per-cent spike in sales tax, to 9.5 per cent, along with increases in tuition fees and the provincial fuel tax.

I've been thinking of moving CGI headquarters outside Quebec, and with today's news I'm more convinced than ever that this is the right move. I'm done with these bozos, I'll close everything in Montreal, Quebec and Saguenay and then I'll go meet the prime clown (on the right, picture above) to show him my butt. That's right. Go fuck yourself, Curly, run your socialist government and I'll make sure CGI is out of Quebec for good. You don't deserve us. Go get banged by IBM, that'll teach you.

Where should I move CGI? Toronto? I'd be closer to real decision makers. Troy, Alabama? Fried chicken is overrated. Niagara Peninsula? Good local wines and fresh fruits. Barbados? My shining skull doesn't tolerate too much sun. Mumbai? Locals are freaking me out with their ritual dance. I need ideas, e-mail me at fake mike roach at gmail.com

I'm depressed now, I have to go get a drink with Serge. Roach out. Talk to you later this week.

The flawed role model of Robin Hood

I saw last night the trailer of the upcoming Ridley Scott's movie with Russell Crow, this looks like a very good movie but I'm not sure this folklore character of Robin Hood is a positive role model for our youth at CGI. Let me explain.

Literature says that Robin Hood was a highly skilled archer and swordman as was known for robbing from the rich and giving to the poor. He was assisted by a bunch of fellow outlaws known as the Merry Men.

Of course there has been countless movies and TV series done on these characters, but my all time favorite remain Rocket Robin Hood, a Canadian TV production from the late 60's - Robin Hood was living in year 3000 and had a rocket truster on his back. But his clothes were vintage 15th century. How he managed to fly this thing without getting 3rd degree burns on his bare legs is beyond explanation. But I digress.

Here's my problem with the Robin Hood theme: robbing from the rich is not a very good business strategy. First, you alienate one party to please another (hereafter named "the poor"). One must assume that Robin had to take a cut of at least 10% on each deal, the Merry Men for which he had the responsibility had to fed and entertained. Second, Robin was acting against the law so it's a lot of trouble, he'd have to buy weapons to protect himself and his staff, I'd say the cut was at least 25%. Third, you cannot go public with this kind of business therefore raising money is an issue. Fourth, you create this weird environment where the needy will always knock on your door and ask for more, creating more pressure to steal from the rich. Hey Robin, I'm a little short this week and I'd like to buy this fancy dress for my gorgeous wife, so ya know, could you steal a couple of chicken from that rich guy on the hill? In the long run, Robin Hood would conclude that his business was not a sustainable one and he'd foreclose everything and open a medieval strip club. Simpler and more fun.

If Robin Hood would be a smart man, this is what he would do. He'd call a meeting with the authorities of Sherwood Forest and say, listen guys, I'm pretty much a big admirer of what you guys do really and I think you should up the ante. The Sherwood Forest Sheriff would raise an eyebrow and say, really son? Tell me more. And then Robin Hood would go, you guys are doing things the old school way, you need to document your operational procedures, automate processes and set up a system that would allow you to manage Sherwood taxes more efficiently. Right now it's very hard to forecast what your revenues from next year will look like, no? The sheriff would take a puff from his cigar and look at Robin straight in the eyes, that's right I'd like to know who does what in my fucking organization, it's difficult to trust someone when his responsibilities are vague and money leaks everywhere. If a pearl necklace or a few gold coins disappear from one box, I can't notice really, and this really bugs me. What I'd like to see if some kind of supply management system that would track everything from taxing peasants to my own treasury. I don't know what my headcount is. Say Robin, you want to help me?

And then Robin and the Merry Men would turn themselves into consultants, raking huge fees and living large. His band of brothers would become Sherwood Forest Certified Partners, and the sheriff would grant them a 10-year contract to help him manage his shit. All this would be legal compliant of course, because the farging sheriff sets the law! No more problems for Robin! And he could set the workweek to 45 hours, maintain low paychecks for the Merry Men, and rename the latter the "Merry Members" to enforce a strong emotional bond between the staff and the company. Robin could drop the "Merry" part, too much innuendo. And then Robin could go on an acquisition shopping free thanks to his newly created fortune, taking over badly run outlaw groups and merging everyone into a powerful legal and highly profitable organization.

This is the kind of role model our young people need to be exposed to.

Members Column Day: The Dreaded "R" Word

Dear members, sorry if I haven't been much present for the past two weeks, we're hard at work on our Q2 results and I'm harassing all my VPs to find dimes and quarters in our worksheets. Let's open our mailbox to see if we can find a great idea to improve earnings.

Dear FakeMike, someone asked the question during one annual tour 2-3 years ago if CGI had any plan to setup a retirement plan for its employees. You or Serge said that it was one possible option but at the time senior management did not consider this option. Has there been any progress regarding this? It would be nice working for CGI knowing the company will take care of us on the long term.

Dear Nat, do I look like fucking Santa Claus to you? Do I? Let me describe you the stark reality on which today's profitable companies are built on: when we no longer employ you, you also disappear from our spreadsheets. Meaning, you no longer exist from our financial perspective. We certainly won't carry you into your old age, paying for your expensive medication and your Depends purchases. Why should we? The day you become no longer billable, you're off the grid pal. I'm not your caretaker, if you want to retire someday you'd better each peanut butter sandwiches, put money in RRSP and pray that the greedy Canadian government won't collect 90% of your assets in taxes by 2060.

This is where 20th century flawed perspective gets into the way, employees read about corporate history and picture themselves at General Motors in the heydays. The company was taking care of its employees like an obsessive high-consumption mother would do. Upscale retirement package, unlimited health benefits for you and your family, for God sake the company was even paying for the education of employees’ children! Of course this devious behavior was pushed by the UAW, another bunch of people for which infinity is the basis for sound accounting. This attitude drove General Motors to the abyss, where it met the U.S. government (another long-time abyss resident) and those two became best buddies. This is total failure, don't you see?

So even though we're sitting on a big stash of cash, don't think for a second that we're going to dilapidate our hard-won earnings by giving dividends to shareholders or (gasp) give our members some kind of retirement benefits. Unless you can prove me that you'll be working for us in the afterlife, but my CFO tells me otherwise. This money belongs to the company, period.

Membership has very little privileges.

Members Column Day: Cookie cutter management

Dear FakeMike, CGI has a factory feeling, employees are literally numbers (six-digits ones) and the fun has been long gone. This is no longer 1976. The middle manager role is not about taking charge of something, it is about following procedures and obeying to rules. What lies ahead in the future? Phil from Halifax

Dear Phil, to act human is an expensive perk. We live in a world where automation has jumped from the factory line to the office environment. Rules and procedures are to humans what conveyor belts are to mass produced goods. Think about this: can you imagine a world where your peanut butter jar has been handled manually from the peanut factory to the retail store? If it would the be case, a jar of Jiffy would cost you over $120 and it would take weeks to produce. This is simply not possible.

The 21st century is about human automation, we are now so skilled with optimizing supply chain and six-sigma crap that the next logical step is to apply this vast knowledge to office management. Sure, it is great when you know all your employees by their first name, you might even know their family, you may do 2 hours lunch with your staff in order to really get to know them just for the pleasure of building human relationship. But this is like manufacturing a $120 peanut butter jar, this is not going anywhere and you definitely cannot build profitable growth on such expensive and heavy relations.

We've done a very good job in the past several years to deploy PeopleSoft and enforce strict rules everywhere inside our company. Grey zones are mostly a thing of the past, and a result middle managers don't have to decide for anything. There are procedures for everything, and believe it or not people actually like this. They can focus on bringing revenues, which has a direct impact on our bottom line, rather than spread their precious energy on team building and other frivolous activities. By trimming unneeded human relations, we've actually simplified greatly the life of a managers and IT workers. For instance, you meet your superior once a year for your work appraisal and the standard 2% raise, there's no need for smoozing with VPs hoping for get a better visibility and bonus. It's all standard.

What lies ahead? Plenty, my dear member. I plan to remove the need for members to meet anyone internally unless it's for business development purpose. Last week I saw a menber who dropped by the office on a Friday afternoon just to chitchat with other CGI members. They were laughing about something trivial. I was furious, this loss of productivity was simply unacceptable. All those precious minutes were not billable to a customer. I keep Rolaids always at hand.

Bench time will also be reduced to 5 days, after which you'll be shown the garbage chute. If you can't find a project within a week, this means you're expandable. Out. Inventory is like bench time, it needs to tend toward zero. If your expertise is not needed, maybe you should enter the carousel, a bright future awaits you.

I also plan to cut vacation time accross the board, having so much time off serves no purpose. The French have 30 days of vacation time a year, no wonder their country has so little influence in the IT world. 2 weeks should be the gold standard, and promotions should only be given to those who are disciplined enough to go through a year without taking a day off.

I strongly believe that by streamlining human relations and keeping only what is necessary that we can move this company from "good" to "great". IT workers are no different than peanut butter jars, once you start accepting this concept you start to envision a new productive world where profitable growth can bloom.

If you have other ideas on how we could improve productivity, please send your insights at fake mike roach at gmail dot com.

This has got to stop - again

Sorry for the absence this week, folks, some numbers do not balance and it's taking me hours to find rounding errors in Excel worksheets. I found a $2 error in one worksheet, some nitwit in accounting was not handling rounding formulas properly and the $40M budget was off by $2. Good thing I'm here.

Anyway, one reader sent me this earlier this week. It seems some our good members in India are still not focusing on their work (and therefore on profitable growth), they are apparently preparing for our 2010 Annual Tour, which takes place THIS FALL folks. Yeah, like 6-8 months from now. If you putting your mind to work instead of singing off-key in your PJs, you'd be studying the fine art of installing Tivoli products. Or how to take 25% less time developing something while charging more to the customer. What's wrong with these people?

Analysts are bashing CGI for not investing further efforts in India, next time they challenge on this issue I'll show them this flick. Damn it.