Do as I say, don't do as I do

This kind of bogus wishful thinking lights a fire under my profitable butt. The Financial Post had this to say about Curly's administration:

The Quebec government, desperate to head off a looming collapse of household finances when interest rates rise, has tabled a bill that would force credit card holders to boost their monthly payments and settle their debts faster.

When you read this at a first level, this all makes fucking perfect sense, don't it? Let's spin the table 180 degrees for a second and let's re-write the sentence the other way around, let's see:

The Quebec citizens, desperate to head off a looming collapse of government finances when interest rates rise, has tabled a bill that would force the Quebec government to boost their monthly payments and settle its debt faster.

It's like Keith Richards in 1977 exiting a smoke-filled trailer filled with giggling chicks asking you to drop booze and drugs to live a healthier life with broccoli and running a 5K. Dude, c'mon.

When I hear things like "overconsumption", I don't think about this guy who buys a 60" plasma a 10-pound pickle jar at Costco, I am thinking about government creating new agencies of dubious use staffed with hundreds if not thousands of unionized-with-lifelong-retirement-package. This my friends is overconsumption of public funds, and eventually it will shatter the fabric of the universe and create a wormhole that will swallow the entire civilization. 2008 was just a quick dry run.

Let's continue reading shall we:

There has been a persistent unease among Canada’s economic and political leaders over the past year about the level of indebtedness of Canadian households.

Let's swivel the table one more time, it's so fun:

There has been a persistent unease among Canada’s taxpayers over the past year about the level of indebtedness at the federal, provincial and municipal level.

I e-mailed this article with a few reversed-sentences like this to my dear friend Happy Raymond who's the financial Houdini of Quebec.

Raymond was quick to reply with a note that says "Everything is under control". Probably an automated response message.

This cancer has attacked not just this location, but elsewhere too. U.S. Treasury bonds are not worth the electronic text on which they are written

Investors who have been betting on Treasuries are destined "to get cooked like frogs in an increasingly hot pot of water," the well-known bond bear told attendees at a Morningstar Investment conference in Chicago.

Bill Gross, who manages the $235 billion Pimco Total Return Fund (PTTAX), said real interest rates, which remove the effect of inflation to measure the actual yield an investor receives, have fallen into negative territory. He pointed out that Treasury inflation-protected securities with a maturity of 5 years are trading at a yield of -0.5%

What's your credit score, Raymond?

Let me get back to building wealth.

Mad men

Today is a sad day dear members, we citizen must - again - pay the price for the irrational management of the state. Read about the extent of the disaster here. Socialism is a runaway train heading for a cliff, and we're only seeing the edge of the chasm. Raymond here, minister of Finance & Happiness, proved once more he is a total prick.

The “health contribution” will be levied on individuals when they file their income tax and will cost most adults $25 this year and eventually climb to $200 in 2012. Lower-income families will be exempted. The government said the tax will allow for a 5-per-cent increase in health-care spending each year. “Everybody benefits from health care, everybody should pay,” Mr. Bachand said.

Quebec residents will also see a one-per-cent spike in sales tax, to 9.5 per cent, along with increases in tuition fees and the provincial fuel tax.

I've been thinking of moving CGI headquarters outside Quebec, and with today's news I'm more convinced than ever that this is the right move. I'm done with these bozos, I'll close everything in Montreal, Quebec and Saguenay and then I'll go meet the prime clown (on the right, picture above) to show him my butt. That's right. Go fuck yourself, Curly, run your socialist government and I'll make sure CGI is out of Quebec for good. You don't deserve us. Go get banged by IBM, that'll teach you.

Where should I move CGI? Toronto? I'd be closer to real decision makers. Troy, Alabama? Fried chicken is overrated. Niagara Peninsula? Good local wines and fresh fruits. Barbados? My shining skull doesn't tolerate too much sun. Mumbai? Locals are freaking me out with their ritual dance. I need ideas, e-mail me at fake mike roach at gmail.com

I'm depressed now, I have to go get a drink with Serge. Roach out. Talk to you later this week.

CGI to hire Robert Pattison (Part 3 and final)

Yes, Robert Pattison did show up at my office Monday morning, and what a surprise it was. For one thing, he looked pretty sharp. Serge was impressed as well, he spent a few minutes to teach Robert about CGI's history, why we have a dream and what are our core values. Young Pattison was delighted to work for such an organization and he thought the corporate office was a cool place to work.

I go, well you won't be working here Robert, I mean we've assigned you to a project starting this morning, Serge and I will drive you to the client's location. It's a government client, so don't expect fancy office or anything. I could feel Robert was a bit disappointed, but he understood that consultants need to bill in order to breathe.

So the three of us drove to the non-descript building where Robert was assigned as a project manager for CGI. I told Robert on the way there that this project was going okay but there was a significant disagreement on the scope of work between CGI and the client. We had burned 4 PMs with no results. The director there is slightly psychotic, his goal was to hire another firm but CGI won the bid thanks to aggressive pricing, so the director's doing everything he can to undermine our work. But besides those details it's a great project.

So we got to the client's building, gave Robert an access card and showed him the cubicle where he would spend the next several months or so. It was all beige, standard government furniture, and there was an old and dirty beige PC with a keyboard that would keep microbiologists busy for 10 years.

Robert goes, Jee I feel like Peter Gibbons in this office.

I go, who the heck is this Gibbons guy, is he some kind of a star among office workers?

Robert smiles, he sure is Mike, Gibbons is the man.

I looked at Serge who read my thoughts, and he answered "I'm on it".

So we left Robert there, assuming someone would spot him during the day and give him work or something. After all, he was a PM, and the PM's role is to walk around and try to find what's going on. Getting his network ID would probably take a week, so Robert will probably rot for a few days, this will give him enough time to learn where the coffee machine is, where are the cleanest mens room, and so on.

Serge and I went then back to the HQ, where we brainstormed how we could leverage the presence of Robert Pattison at CGI. Definitely some kind of printed campaign aimed at Gen Y, like Robert chose CGI and he's now living our dream, why shouldn't you? Or IT never looked more cool, we want YOU for the CGI workforce.

The story doesn't end here.

At 5pm, Robert came back to the CGI HQ and knocked on my door. I go, Robert what a pleasant surprise to see you here, how was your day?

Robert was all smile, like he had won the lottery. He goes, Mike Roach, only you man could have helped me, I need to send you some friends from the movie industry. Really.

I go, Robert well the pleasure is all mine, I'm glad CGI could give you a spot where you can blossom as an IT worker and manage to be billable.

Robert goes, no dude you don't understand, I'm giving you my resignation today. It worked!

I was livid. What the hell do you mean Robert, we just hired you, what's going on?

Robert goes, you showed me how happy I was as an actor and I didn't know it. Playing a vampire may be corny, but it sure beats working all-year long in a government office. When I'm on the set, I'm surrounded by passionate people who work their ass off in order to make a great movie. There's a sense of pride. Today, I was surrounded by depressed office workers who don't give a shit about what happens, all the talk around the water cooler is either about retirement, unions talk or pointless gossip. I mean, dude, one day in this harsh environment is enough for me. Do you really think a human being can accomplish work - any work - in a 8x8 cubicle? I mean, it's like a chicken farm here, people come into their cage, don't move during the day and go home at night. Is that it?

Robert said he would send me some of his friends who think they are depressed, once they see what goes on in the IT world they will fly back to L.A. and enjoy the gruelling actor work like never before. He waved me goodbye and headed for the elevators. Dozens of girls of all age asked for his autograph before he left the building.

Now I am depressed.

Members Column: Sandboxing your sanity

Dear Mike, I’ve been working on this government project for CGI for a couple of years and I’m surrounded by a bunch of foot-dragging narrow-thinking could-not-care-less public servants whose sole objective in life is to retire. They hire us to do their work yet they despise us and do everything to undermine our work. Why is it so? Signed: Joey Going Postal

JGP here has a very good question but the client-consultant dynamic is so taboo that I hesitate to fully disclose my thoughts. Oh, what the hell.

First, you need to understand the back story that is leading to this mess. When a guy accepts a job as a public servant, he accepts to spend his professional life in a dimly lit rat cage marred with political disputes. Any IT project is just a mean to give an uppercut to a moronic opponent, gain more power, brownnose upper management and make the other team more miserable.

People working in government are not there for the fun, the money, the perks or the prestige. I mean, if you had to do a sales pitch to first-graders about why they should choose a government career, you might fall short of arguments after 6 seconds. People work there because it’s a secure position and they have big unions to protect them. So it’s no wonder that complete bozos blossom there and contaminate the few decent people who are trying to make a difference.

After a few years living in this harsh environment, people naturally drift to a constant state of mild depression with no short or long term expectations. The only real requirement is to show up in the morning and leave at 5. If you’re lucky, the project you’re in is not too messy and nobody bothers you. In fact, the only exit from the rat cage is retirement or death, although the former is less painful and may involve golf.

So what happen when government hires a prestigious consulting firm like CGI? There is this clash of culture where energetic goal-oriented positive-minded consultants have to accomplish a task managed by depressed government drones. Let's just say success is not within the scope of work.

If government would allow its employees to facebook all day long and download porn, they would stop having long faces and they would show up highly motivated. The output would be the same – that is, zilch – but they’d be so busy watching flicks in their office that would not show up at meetings and the project would be solely managed and executed by consultants.

Therefore ensuring its success.

The art of writing an annual report

For those of you outside the C-suite, writing an annual report is a tremendous effort that requires months of preparation by copywriters, accountants and almost everyone the floor. The numbers of course have to be razor-blade sharp with no Enron-style conversion, but crunching numbers is not a difficult task per se.

What’s immensely difficult is coming up with the right combination of words to reassure the shareholder that we’re not screwing up things and that absolutely everything including our pencils are under tight control. After reading a CGI annual report, you should have the overwhelming impression and we are the best company in the galaxy quadrant, our people are the crème de la crème and that all our clients are among the top 1% of the best managed organizations and that they do business with CGI because they are on top of the world.

Which brings me to government clients.

Writing that government is a well-managed organization is like saying Lindsay Lohan is a clean sober young woman who has her priority straight. Yet, we can’t write that our government clients are doomsday machines gobbling huge budgets with no visible results. Here’s what we wrote last year in our annual reports

Governments at all levels face unprecedented pressures, such as economic constraints, healthcare challenges and accountability demands. To manage an effective response, organizations must create leaner and more high-performance structures.

Can you name me one – just one – lean and high-performance government structure? Of course you can’t, because such thing is a fantasy. Maybe the White House kitchen is efficient I’ll concede but they sure at not lean. This is wishful thinking, government are by definition obese and since no one is accountable there cannot be any performance. Tectonic plates move much faster than anything in the government world.

So we do our best to write government stories with a twist that make them look interesting, and this is no small task. We first handpick government projects that didn’t derail totally and where the scope of work didn’t change 10 times in a year. Then, we isolate projects where the client didn’t make headlines for burning taxpayer money in dubious initiatives. The final selection is so small you could use a crippled hand to count it.

Finally, the people who write our annual reports were not involved in the project so there’s no personal frustration involved. And they live in another country, so they don’t know jack about this government client, their taxes didn’t fuel this project, so those people have a pretty neutral view of the situation.

Our '09 annual report is coming soon, dear members. I don't want to spark any false rumors, but it may be our last, so treasure it.