The Secret Dress Code

There are many unwritten rules inside an organization, but there is one at CGI that we constantly remind our members of.

Thou shall dress like the manager at the client site.

It means that if the manager wears a suit and tie, you must be dress in a suit and tie. Even if lower-ranking employees wear dirty jeans and sneakers, you must dress in a suit if the manager wears one.

I’ve been heavily criticized for this rule. Some members with little education on personal finance and money management claim something along of line of How can I dress like a manager doing $200 000 base salary plus $75 000 in bonus when I only make $35 000 with a $780 bonus?

Here’s a few ideas for clueless members. For one thing, a manager raking a quarter million dollar a year doesn’t mean he wears expensive clothing. You’d be surprised how many individuals favor cheap polyester shirts and bought most of their ties at a thrift store in 1982 (now closed). Sure, the manager is loaded and you feel frustrated that his level of competence is not in line with his salary package, but you have to focus on yourself.

So if the manager wears a cheap suit, you should wear a cheap suit yourself. Never overdress though. Ask for advice so that your clothes color do not clash with your client’s favorites ones. He enjoys beige and brown? Never wear a red or gold-colored tie, the client will feel inferior and castrated. He favors highly flammable fabrics that are now verboten for public safety? Check eBay for vintage clothes that were popular when Eric Estrada was at the top of his game. You should blend in like a chameleon.

If the manager looks like a hobo and sips from a bottle in a paper bag, wait a few days as he should be replaced by someone else. If the next one also looks like a hobo, it sends the signal that depravity is part of the organizational culture. So take a visual cue from the guys playing trombone at Place Ville-Marie and enjoy the world of ripped clothing for the duration of the project. What can I say, business is business.

If you client enjoys the good life and wears expensive stuff, like off-the-scale, do yourself a favor and go talk to Mario at Harry Rosen. He’ll get you a nice suit that will speak for you without having to milk your RESP account, you will be so well dressed that your deliverables will get a speedy approval. Sure, it’s more expensive than the stuff at Sears, but brown bag a sandwich for a few years and the suit will pay itself just like magic.

What if the manager is a woman? Do guys need to wear pantyhose?

Absolutely. And if the manager has a kinky fetish and she wants all her contractors to wear lingerie, you must take all necessary steps to make her happy so that our business relation is not impacted. Profitable growth will ensue.

Kenny Rogers giving hope to IT workers?

This is a short post intended to all whiners at CGI members who complain all the time about – well just about everything.

The news hit today: 2 miners are trapped in a 5 feet square space – smaller than a typical cubicle – 3,000 feet below the surface. The two guys managed to stay calm and they found common ground and shared their appreciation of Kenny Rogers music. “They’ve got air, they’ve got food and they’ve got water” said someone. It might take another 9 days before those 2 miners are taken out, and the state of their personal hygiene might kill those who rescue them but that’s not my point.

If you’re trapped in a doomed project where politics and neurosis drive the show, don’t play chicken with the train your way home. Think about those 2 miners. They’ve got air, they’ve got food and they’ve got water, so they have hope.

It the same with you. Except there’s no rescue party. And the firm is trying to extend you there for another 5 years. Your existence is mostly defined by our spreadsheet. And you don’t make the news, nobody would understand what the fuck you’re doing anyway.

You’ve got air, do you? Don’t be so gloomy. You might load tons on Kenny Rogers on your iPod, maybe that'll cheer you up. Now get back to work and bill the client for this 3 minute period.

Montreal's CGI completes Stanley takeover

We did it. I gotta say it took more time and efforts than initially planned, but now I’m proud to say that CGI has reach the 31,000 employees – I mean members – milestone.

Anyway, we’re dispatching a HR commando to Stanley’s former HQ to start the abduction process. A swat team of accountants is also on the way to seize all financial information that might have been left out during our due diligence process – I instructed our team NOT to have breakfast that morning, so everyone feels a bit edgy.

We learned a lot since we banged AMS back in 2003, our HR/accountant gladiators have been trained accordingly and it is my objective that the Stanley’s integration takes much less time. We need to process acquisitions faster, we can’t reach the profitable growth nirvana if we spend our days filling out paperwork.

I spent so much time with Stanley’s financials that I have become one with their numbers. We are so intimate now I can tell you how much each of their employees are making. Pop up a name, I’ll tell you their salary, how much was spent on training, how much each got last year. Serge thought I was joking and he put me to the test. John Kleine? $58 850 USD, $450 in training, got a 4% raise last year, billed $102 048.30 last financial year, $621.02 paid on expense reports. Denise Caufield? She’s fucking expensive, $95 120 but she’ll get no raise for the next 5 years – but don’t tell her that.

What doe John and Denis look like, asked Serge. I go, I don’t know but this is irrelevant. What matter is that – what’s their name again - will be part of our profitable growth plan, and their small contribution to our bottom line will fuel our next acquisition.

Speaking of which, I am meeting with bank officials this week to goose our credit line. I’m also thinking of issuing bonds yielding 0.05% that our members would be obligated to sell door to door like cult members. At night, not during normal business hour, I don’t want to impact our BU earnings. Look, I work for this great company and we need money to spread the profitable growth gospel, care to buy some great bonds to fuel our next merger?

Some people are like Slinkys

Some people are like Slinkys.  They're not good for much, and you can't help but smile when you see them tumble down stairs.

This observation came to my mind this week when I witnessed one of my director inform a member that he would no longer be needed by the company. I could feel the stress in his throat, I could see the sweat invading his blue shirt, I could even picture his career tumbling into a infinite vertigo… I'm talking about the guy being laid off by the way, not the director. But then, maybe both now that I'm thinking about it.

But hey - the guy had been on the bench for 6 weeks and no client needed his expertise anymore, whatever it was, so it was goodbye - please give us your magnetic card - please sign here - tell us how great CGI has been - and here's the door. We make sure the process is swift and efficient, I don't want tears in the company lobby. For one thing, the floor could become slippery and someone could fall and sue us.

Truth is, people have a very limited expertise and you can't move them into a different position easily. They ask for training, they ask for support, they ask for god knows what, all this aimed at lowering your profitability. This is bad.

Imagine if Robert Nardelli - former GE vice president who was one of the final candidate to replace Jack Welch - had asked for weeks of training when he quit to become CEO at The Home Depot. Jee I know how to manage engineers who make a turbine, but look this whole lumber and faucet business is kinda new to me ya know, how to do you turn a faucet by the way, it's usually my secretary who does that and wipe my hands clean, could you give me some training while I ignore the company's next financier quarter?

Of course Bob asked for no training. And after that he went on to Chrysler to sink the company even further, but one thing he did not do was to whine and claim all sort of training sessions. Bob was a real man. 2000 years ago he would have been a gladiator.

So get your act together and stop bugging your director/VP for training and other stuff that sissies usually ask for. Train yourself for a change, and don't ask us for anything. We'll then be able to part the kids from the men when the time comes.

Leveraging Fear

Fear can be a powerful enemy - and much has been written on the subject - but it can also be your best ally.

CEOs won't learn anything when I tell them that turnover rates are sky high and it's harder than ever to attract and keep employees. Gen Y people are totally FUBAR and even people in their 40s and 50s switch jobs like they change underwear. Loyalty to the company has done overboard, navel gazing is the new mantra among today's workforce. All this deviant behavior is very costly for large corporations, HR works double shift just to handle the revolving door of talent. And let's be honest, when CGI sends a dozen consultants to a client for a 3-year project, chances are only 2-3 of the original team will remain by the end of the project.

So what can we do for retain talent? Do we provide them more benefits? WRONG! Do we raise salaries on par with the market? WRONG! Do we provide them with perks and flexible rules? WRONG, WRONG, WRONG!

The key to lower turnover rate is FEAR. Let me give you some examples:

Situation: John is a Lotus Notes specialist in his early 40's, he knows the product inside out and could teach a lesson or two even to IBM technicians. John might be hired by a competitor looking to place much-needed Notes consultants on a long-term lucrative gig. What do you do?

Solution: You inform John that the Notes market is shrinking like a jelly fish on a Phoenix parking lot in summer time. Yes, a few customers hang on Notes for disturbing psychological reasons, but eventually everyone will jump on Exchange, it'll be the standard much like Word and Excel. Who uses 1-2-3 nowadays, eh? The plot is to scare John out of his skull, luring the unemployment ghost above his head. You then reassure John that the company will train him (barely) on Exchange once the unavoidable takes place. You then add something along the line of "some of our competitors don't do this, they just throw you on the street like a garbage bag the minute you land on the bench". We on the other hand are more generous and provide support for this transitional period. As long as it does not exceed 2 weeks, at which point you should consider playing the bongos in the subway.

Here's another example.

Situation: Mary is a smart woman in her early 50's dealing with organizational change, she has seen rain and snow and can advise your most dysfunctional customers. But she considers quitting and go on her own. What do you do?

Solution: Talk to Mary and find out what scares her. Maybe it was the recession in the 80's when she had to sell her beat-up Volkswagen to feed her 3 kids. Maybe it is loneliness, check out if she eats lunch alone or with friends. Maybe it's the fucking huge house she bought with her consumption-prone husband. Start the conversation by saying out-of-the-blue that independent contractors are having a hell of a bad time, customers are shifting to big firms that provide everything-including-the-kitchen-sink. Tell her that you know someone who went on his own only to discover that filing taxes as a independent worker caused him insomnia, recurring nightmares and acute constipation. If Mary hasn't turned white yet, tell her that upper management at the firm is now suing anyone who goes on his/her own just for the sheer pleasure of creating discomfort. Mary should now turn into an obedient lamb and forget about going indie.

Leveraging fear is our last weapon against employees, so I'm not afraid to use it. If your shop is not unionized, make sure you use fear lavishly. If you're like me, you'll discover that it can be fun.

Beware of marketing consultants

Here’s another nugget of wise advice to CEOs and board members: you cannot trust anyone, and that include yourself. Until science finds a way to totally control the human psyche with drugs or physical tools (i.e. lobotomy-on-demand), you cannot trust anyone at a 100% level.

First, there was this fascinating story of Robert Moffatt, a married and obedient VP with a 31-year career at Big Blue who was caught with his pants down doing back-channel dealings with hedge funds. Sex was part of the picture. Read this for your own personal satisfaction.

Next, Mark Hurd who was CEO of HP (and therefore of EDS) falsifying expense reports to conceal a “close personal relationship” with a female contractor. And not just any consultant, mind you. Jodie Fisher is a 50-year-old former reality television contestant (which does not qualify her as an actress by the way) turned HP marketing consultant – as if doing reality TV was a springboard to market HP color printers. Her job was to “introduce him to customers and keep him company”.

How the fuck do you get a job like this? Let me picture the average 50-years old woman sending a resume to CGI HR department. “I’d like to introduce Mr. Roach to new and existing clients and keep him company. My qualifications are – well I’m good at shaking hands and making small talk”. What are the chances that HR will answer something along the line of “there are no positions that match your skills but we’ll sure keep your 8x10 picture on file in case something comes up”.

Next thing you know, Blondie sues Hurd for sexual harassment. Oh my god, this is so totally unexpected. 50-year old married CEO hires a hot blond woman to “keep him company” and things went south. Let me take a wild guess… he complimented her on her perfume and she figured he wanted to spend the afternoon at the next Motel 6. Her mum always told her to be wary of men.

The story is so full of contradictions it is laughable. We learn that Hurd filed inaccurate expense account reports in a bid to keep the relationship secret. Yet, Blondie claims that “Mark and I never had an affair or intimate sexual relationship." Okay, then if you guys didn’t gave an affair, what did Hurd filed in his expense report that was so secret about? One additional train ticket to Penn Station because Mr. Hurd felt lonely coming from Newark? There is a thick line of bull here.

The best part is this quote from Jodie: “I was surprised and saddened that Mark lost his job over this. That was never my intention.” Of course not. For someone with a degree in political science, she should know better. Suing a CEO for sexual harassment doesn’t get that someone a Pulitzer.

So if you’re a CEO, don’t think for a second that such scandals cannot bloom within your own fortress. Men use their dick as an OEM replacement part for their brain and women are unpredictable hormone-driven creatures, neither can be trusted. And that includes you.

For one thing, make sure you don’t hire anyone cute as a consultant. Having a hot looking woman on board is just an invitation for disaster. When I interview someone, I try to picture myself naked with her. If the thought makes me puke, then it means we’re good.

That sinking feeling

So summer is great, eh? You had 2 or 3 weeks of vacation and then you're coming in the office this morning, pretty much against your will as you'd have preferred to stay on that sandy beach, or just sitting in your porch drinking Coors and listening to crickets. You entered the building and went straight to your tiny cubicle, and then a sudden sinking feeling hit you like a semi on the New Jersey turnpike.

"What the fuck am I doing here?" you said to yourself.

You sat in your chair, wondering if all those years spent in school, all this time studying late at night in college, all of this was worth it when the end result is so meaningless. You are just another cubicle worker and your work is null in the grand scheme of things. The workplace is so grey (or beige) it sucks the life out of you the minute you step in.

And job-wise it's not like you're creating the next cool gizmo or the next great Web site. Your job to write pointless documents that will be shelve in a week, configure some obscure software that you're unable to explain its use to your lucky non-IT friends or write code for a very dull application.

You then remembered your high school teacher who said - you are special, one day you will accomplish great things. You did not. You ended up at the bottom of a large corporate pyramid like most of your friends. And a vast majority on them are now on medication to address chemical imbalance in their brain. Maybe after all you should talk to your doctor.

"What the fuck did I do wrong" you wondered.

You then checked your e-mails, wondering if your boss or some VP sent you an invitation for a special project, but alas - just reminders to fill your time sheet. Everyone ignored you. Except Peoplesoft automated scripts.

You examined the people who work at the client site. Low-watt bulbs who got a government job just for the benefits, they come in to work everyday knowing nothing will get done, but they don't care. Nobody cares. People just go coast through life with minimal awareness. It comes to your attention that people serving a life sentence in jail must have more fun than government workers and consultants. At least they can watch TV during daytime.

"Is this all there is?" you asked yourself.

You then faked work until 5pm, surfed to fight boredom. You went home to hind that your husband / wife / insignificant other has overcooked the meatloaf. Your gloomy face invited snarky comments such as "you're lucky, you have a job" or "of course work is dull, my job is tedious too, who has a funny job?". Your feelings then sank even lower while attacking the burnt thing that was in your plate.

It's a this very point you must realize that all this awareness is BAD for you. You feel depressed because your unfulfilled dreams take centre stage and steal your focus. You should not worry about past decisions, you can't change the past.

Your happiness should be geared toward this simple algorithm:

1. Is the client happy? Even if the shit you're doing is totally meaningless, is the client happy of what you do or pretend to do?

2. Is the firm happy? In other words, is your presence in this cubicle profitable to CGI?

If the answer to both question is yes, then you should be happy as well. Depressed people are the ones whose definition of happiness is way too complex. Keep your own definition very simple - like the one I strongly recommended - and you'll see that life is much more easy to go through. Your personal satisfaction must be tightly exist with earnings your provide to the firm.

Have a great day. A really great day. Now get back to work.

Sweet dreams are made of this

CGI posted its Q3 results last week and although it's old new by now I thought you'd want to be reminded how well CGI did in the past quarter. Earnings are up a whopping 12% from Q3 last year, but revenues are down 5.8%. In other words, we squeezed the lemon extra hard to generate more earnings from less cash. Read all about this here.

If you read between the lines, you can understand that it is NOT a good time to ask for a raise. I know, it's never a good time, but right now it is definitely a BAD BAD time for ask for money.

There are some things I said that I truly love:

The strength of our cash generation ability combined with the significant and consistent growth in earnings per share afford us the operating flexibility to expand and deepen our business relationships with both new and existing clients on a global basis.

You may ask, what is the fucking difference between expanding and deepening a business relationship? Both are about milking the customer, right? Subtle difference here. Expanding is about getting more contracts from the same client. Deepening is about bigger numbers in each contract. I like the deep-and-wide approach.

But then, you may ask, how to you deepen AND expand a business relationship with a NEW client? With no prior business record, how do you deepen a relationship? The statement outlines this option, right? My answer is this: look, your shoes are untied.

Moving to another point, I got hammered quite a bit about our Stanley acquisition which was not completed. This sucker from CIBC kept asking about what was delaying our acquisition and I kept my cool.

If I comment on that I will have definitely stepping beyond what I have said in my remarks. I really don’t think it is in the best interest of the customers, the Stanley employees, quite frankly investors to get in to a public dialogue around a confidential and very sensitive process and I think as I explained before, as you know 75% of the revenue of Stanley is in the Intel space and I think it is prudent for me to let that process continue.

In other words, it's none of your fucking business. I felt so cornered by this guy that I dropped a totally irrelevant fact about Stanley just so this bully gets distracted.

Welcome back! The world's about to end!

Dear members across the globe, I hope you took some nice vacations and that you are fully rested. Because next year will be hell. Just joking. Well kinda.

I didn't take any time off because the Stanley deal is consuming so much of my time, more on that later.

I've been told by a one generic VP I employ that some people apparently think the world is coming to an end on May 21, 2011. It's a Saturday, so we can expect minimum business disruption. It's doesn't say a GMT time where this should occur, as it might already be Sunday in Asia.

Despite the fact that there would be less than a year before Judgement Day, those folks are asking for donations which seems to me like totally pointless.

Quote: This web site serves as an introduction and portal to four faithful ministries which are teaching that WE CAN KNOW from the Bible alone that the date of the rapture of believers will take place on May 21, 2011 and that God will destroy this world on October 21, 2011

This is very interesting and those who critic the time it takes for CGI to acquire Stanley should read this. God plans a 5-month due diligence process before destroying the Earth. I don't know about you, but that seems a awful lot of time to me. Why 5 months? Are lawyers involved in this or just God alone? Is there any dry run planned in the schedule before the actual planet demolition? Can businesses still operate until Oct. 21? I mean, I'd like to know if I can bill a customer up to that date as part of my forecasting process.

Anyway. It made my day. I'll make sure to follow up on this.