Facebook CEO on a killing spree

Sorry guys, I know I'm failing to meet basic expectations here, but a CEO job leaves little room for spare time - unlike a director job where you have all those free minutes to yourself between midnight and 4 am.

But you could thank me once in a while ya know, CGI trades north of $21 and we're posting stellar quarters. Profitable growth… does that ring a bell? There you are.

Anyway, I read with amusement about Zucky the 27-years old CEO who apparently set a personal challenge to slit the throat of live pigs and goats while insulting them in Mandarin. I'm sure Mr. Piggy was deeply honoured to be butchered by the Facebook CEO and that he posted a comment like "Friends, I'm going offline for now, today's a good day to die" and all his porcine friends "liked it". Oh, well.

Friends, this is what happen when you're going off the rail at such a young age. I'm talking about Zuckerberg here, not Mr. Piggy. I already told you that money was bad, well your in your hands anyway, because most people are not mature enough to handle wealth. Zucky's a billionaire under 30, and he's so bored of running Facebook that he gets a kick by slaughtering protein-rich animals. I don't want to know what happens in his bedroom, folks.

Me, I like to pay a visit to my friend the butcher in Westmount and he runs some his jokes by me because he knows I'm a tough nut to crack. I don't get blood on my white shirt in order to feed myself, that's the whole point of having a butcher. Can you imagine the smell of a dead pig in the trunk of my Mercedes, it would be enough to void the warranty.

I think Zucky suffers from a deep paranoia of joining the 27 Club, and as a result he throws himself in all sort of questionable challenge to prove himself he's a manly man. What will be his challenge in 2012 ?

If Zucky had been fortunate enough to work as an IT consultant for CGI, he wouldn't do such questionable challenges because he'd know there are better things to do. Like learning .NET, or supporting Notes servers, you know like REAL challenges. Running a knife on a goat's throat takes less than 30 seconds, that's a cheap thrill. Even Ozzie would not be impressed.

But implementing SAP in a dysfunctional organization, that my friend is the kind of challenge for the braves. I'm thinking about creating a special team at CGI much like the SEALs, where hardened specialists are trained for unconventional IT setups, infrastructure reconnaissance, terror-oriented management and project rescue. They won't come cheap. More on that later.

So Zucky go have fun with chickens while we adults do real work.

Members Column Day: More Facebook Rants

My post on Facebook brought some interesting e-mails, one of which deserves a spot here.

FakeMike, your recent post on Facebook is a bit harsh, maybe it's time that corporations such CGI embrace Twitter, Facebook, wikis and other modern communication tools. If we were living in 1960, you'd probably bitch about electric typewriters. Don't be such a stiff. Corporations need to update themselves with the latest technology in order to survive. Michel from Saguenay.

First, let me clarify my thoughts on what people call "social networks". It serves to real purpose as far as I can tell. Catching up with friends should be done by expressing more than 140 characters, unless you're a soldier ambushed in a muddy trench with a Panzer about to roll over you, in which case short messages are acceptable. Our media relation people have set up a Twitter account recently because journalists apparently requested this, I don't know the extent to which they use this, but judging from the popularity of the CGI Facebook page the Twitter wire must be very quiet. Jee, one more person joined our Facebook page since yesterday, this is heavy traffic.

I'm investigating cases where CGI employees posts irrelevant thoughts on Facebook during daytime, what they had for lunch, what sock color they picked they dressed, how many Q-tips they use on a weekly basis, but most often what is their boredom level. This is highly strange, life in IT should be as exciting as surfing a giant wave in Hawaii, I don't understand how people get bored. Complaining about your boredom won't take it away, you know, maybe boredom is just a signal that you should spot opportunities for the company and transform them into profitable growth.

Let me tell you a story. When I was a younger man, I was distributing newspapers door to door in my native Pembroke. Winters were colder than in Vladivostok, summers were muggy and fly-infested, and I used the same pair of shoes from age 12 to 18. Whenever there was a hole in them, I would patch them with tar and old newspapers. To help me in my run, I had a 1-speed bicycle whose paint was completely sunburned. I got bitten by dogs a few times, not the puddle kind mind you. When my run was done, I would borrow a copy of the Globe&Mail and I would scan the business section for stocks at attractive price. Simply put, I earned my money the hard way and never complained. Look at where I stand today.

Today, a young man distributing newspapers will take 2 dozen pictures on his cell phone during his morning run and post them to Facebook, only to complain about such and such. He'll wear brand new $240 sneakers and use the most expensive iPod available. His idea of investing is buying the latest Xbox 360 because it displays gory graphics much faster. He'll whine and whine and whine about his parents decision NOT to buy him a new car at age 16. Where do you think this lazy bum will be 25 years from now? If I had to take a bet, I'd say he'll be a unionized janitor addicted to Ritalin.

This is my issue with all this newer technology. It's not used to the right end. It's not used to make you smarter, it's actually being used to make use more dumb and irresponsible. If you don't have a Facebook page, create one and let your so-called friends find you. Watch their on-line bahavior. Try to figure out when they have time to do real work.

And try to look for a Facebook page promoting profitable growth. If you find one, let me know.

Case closed. Roach out.

CGI to go kinda social

I'm not a big fan of social networks. Let me rephrase that. I think Facebook is a deviance whose users suffer from social problems. You see, when I want to have a grand time with a friend, we have a drink at the Queen Elizabeth hotel and we end up at my place playing bridge or watching curling tournaments. This is social networking. It's fun. You actually see people faces, not just a JPEG file. It's multimedia too, when my friend talk I can actually hear the sound of his voice, spiffy eh?

I've been pushed by Serge to go social in a 21st century way, so we created the CGI page on Facebook.

As of tonight, 2 people like this. Bill & Terry. I told Serge this was to be a failure. Sigh.

Members Column: Sandboxing your sanity

Dear Mike, I’ve been working on this government project for CGI for a couple of years and I’m surrounded by a bunch of foot-dragging narrow-thinking could-not-care-less public servants whose sole objective in life is to retire. They hire us to do their work yet they despise us and do everything to undermine our work. Why is it so? Signed: Joey Going Postal

JGP here has a very good question but the client-consultant dynamic is so taboo that I hesitate to fully disclose my thoughts. Oh, what the hell.

First, you need to understand the back story that is leading to this mess. When a guy accepts a job as a public servant, he accepts to spend his professional life in a dimly lit rat cage marred with political disputes. Any IT project is just a mean to give an uppercut to a moronic opponent, gain more power, brownnose upper management and make the other team more miserable.

People working in government are not there for the fun, the money, the perks or the prestige. I mean, if you had to do a sales pitch to first-graders about why they should choose a government career, you might fall short of arguments after 6 seconds. People work there because it’s a secure position and they have big unions to protect them. So it’s no wonder that complete bozos blossom there and contaminate the few decent people who are trying to make a difference.

After a few years living in this harsh environment, people naturally drift to a constant state of mild depression with no short or long term expectations. The only real requirement is to show up in the morning and leave at 5. If you’re lucky, the project you’re in is not too messy and nobody bothers you. In fact, the only exit from the rat cage is retirement or death, although the former is less painful and may involve golf.

So what happen when government hires a prestigious consulting firm like CGI? There is this clash of culture where energetic goal-oriented positive-minded consultants have to accomplish a task managed by depressed government drones. Let's just say success is not within the scope of work.

If government would allow its employees to facebook all day long and download porn, they would stop having long faces and they would show up highly motivated. The output would be the same – that is, zilch – but they’d be so busy watching flicks in their office that would not show up at meetings and the project would be solely managed and executed by consultants.

Therefore ensuring its success.

Reader's Column Day

Your dedicated CEO is listening again to you today, let’s take a call from Roberto:

I’m a junior Java developer and I work at the CGI office. The company is blocking all access to Facebook and MySpace, how am I supposed to do my work if CGI is blocking communication to the outside world?

Let’s do some profiling on Roberto. This is the kind of Gen-Y slacker who posts what he had for breakfast on Facebook, in addition to what kind of socks he’s wearing (let me guess: white), how he feels about the world at any particular moment (meaning, whining about events outside his control), and what score he just achieved at Bejeweled.

If your local CGI office blocks Facebook, it’s probably because you spend too much time posting rants about your lasting acne problems and you’re not delivering any decent code for your customer. Here’s my advice to you: remove the RJ-45 cable from your PC and try doing work – any work – without Internet access.

The first day will be awful, you will experience full blown hallucinations due to withdrawal. Like seeing Pauline Marois in a sexy nurse outfit. Or Michael Dell announcing that he wants to buy CGI. That kind of really scary thing.

Jee, I just scared myself with the last one.

The next day you will able not to launch MSN when you get to work. You may even be able to use other mean of communication, like a phone, to get in touch with someone. Yeah, like talking. Sounds old school, isn’t it?

By the end of the week you will realize that all you can do with a computer is actually work, meaning producing deliverables for which a client is willing to pay. You may realize that Facebook is just a way to channel your inner frustrations and it leads to nothing but more frustrations because no one really cares that you had Christmas-theme Rice Krispies this morning.

Face it boy, the world is a harsh place and self-interest drives this place. Now get back to work.