CGI to hire Robert Pattison (Part 3 and final)

Yes, Robert Pattison did show up at my office Monday morning, and what a surprise it was. For one thing, he looked pretty sharp. Serge was impressed as well, he spent a few minutes to teach Robert about CGI's history, why we have a dream and what are our core values. Young Pattison was delighted to work for such an organization and he thought the corporate office was a cool place to work.

I go, well you won't be working here Robert, I mean we've assigned you to a project starting this morning, Serge and I will drive you to the client's location. It's a government client, so don't expect fancy office or anything. I could feel Robert was a bit disappointed, but he understood that consultants need to bill in order to breathe.

So the three of us drove to the non-descript building where Robert was assigned as a project manager for CGI. I told Robert on the way there that this project was going okay but there was a significant disagreement on the scope of work between CGI and the client. We had burned 4 PMs with no results. The director there is slightly psychotic, his goal was to hire another firm but CGI won the bid thanks to aggressive pricing, so the director's doing everything he can to undermine our work. But besides those details it's a great project.

So we got to the client's building, gave Robert an access card and showed him the cubicle where he would spend the next several months or so. It was all beige, standard government furniture, and there was an old and dirty beige PC with a keyboard that would keep microbiologists busy for 10 years.

Robert goes, Jee I feel like Peter Gibbons in this office.

I go, who the heck is this Gibbons guy, is he some kind of a star among office workers?

Robert smiles, he sure is Mike, Gibbons is the man.

I looked at Serge who read my thoughts, and he answered "I'm on it".

So we left Robert there, assuming someone would spot him during the day and give him work or something. After all, he was a PM, and the PM's role is to walk around and try to find what's going on. Getting his network ID would probably take a week, so Robert will probably rot for a few days, this will give him enough time to learn where the coffee machine is, where are the cleanest mens room, and so on.

Serge and I went then back to the HQ, where we brainstormed how we could leverage the presence of Robert Pattison at CGI. Definitely some kind of printed campaign aimed at Gen Y, like Robert chose CGI and he's now living our dream, why shouldn't you? Or IT never looked more cool, we want YOU for the CGI workforce.

The story doesn't end here.

At 5pm, Robert came back to the CGI HQ and knocked on my door. I go, Robert what a pleasant surprise to see you here, how was your day?

Robert was all smile, like he had won the lottery. He goes, Mike Roach, only you man could have helped me, I need to send you some friends from the movie industry. Really.

I go, Robert well the pleasure is all mine, I'm glad CGI could give you a spot where you can blossom as an IT worker and manage to be billable.

Robert goes, no dude you don't understand, I'm giving you my resignation today. It worked!

I was livid. What the hell do you mean Robert, we just hired you, what's going on?

Robert goes, you showed me how happy I was as an actor and I didn't know it. Playing a vampire may be corny, but it sure beats working all-year long in a government office. When I'm on the set, I'm surrounded by passionate people who work their ass off in order to make a great movie. There's a sense of pride. Today, I was surrounded by depressed office workers who don't give a shit about what happens, all the talk around the water cooler is either about retirement, unions talk or pointless gossip. I mean, dude, one day in this harsh environment is enough for me. Do you really think a human being can accomplish work - any work - in a 8x8 cubicle? I mean, it's like a chicken farm here, people come into their cage, don't move during the day and go home at night. Is that it?

Robert said he would send me some of his friends who think they are depressed, once they see what goes on in the IT world they will fly back to L.A. and enjoy the gruelling actor work like never before. He waved me goodbye and headed for the elevators. Dozens of girls of all age asked for his autograph before he left the building.

Now I am depressed.

CGI to hire Robert Pattison (Part 2)

As a follow-up to the previous story, I mustered all my strength and called Robert Pattison’s agent to lure him at CGI.

His agent was pretty straightforward and business-minded, I liked that. Said Robert is exhausted of shooting Twilight movies, wants to take a real break and go off the radar for a while. Cash is not issue, Robert is loaded. So I said, so far so good, we cannot pay a lot anyway. So he gives me his cell phone number and I call the punk.

So Robert goes, Mike Roach…. CGI… right.. my agent told me you’d call all right. So you’re the computer guy?

I go, yes I am the CEO of the largest IT consulting company in Canada, ISO 9001 of course, we have over 26,000 employees worldwide, revenue growth of 3.2% this fiscal year. So what’s going on Robert, you want to take a break from your acting career?

Robert goes, yeah Mike, I’m kind of sick of this Twilight shit, ya know, shooting schedule is taking a huge fucking toll, 12 hours a day, 7 days a week, plus all the parties. And Kristen is so fucked up, I mean a real psycho, she’s the next Lindsay, I need to get away from her. And also, handling fans is a total pain, I got girls who fedex me their panties overnight, they’re still wet when I open the box. I need to do real fucking things like repairing motorcycles or cleaning a chicken farm, you know, I’d like to go AWOL for a while an live a fucking normal life like everyone.

Then I heard the clinging of bottles and then a huge “Shit!’, poor Robert must have knocked down the left-overs from last night’s party. What a shocker.

I go, yes I can relate to this too. Although I’d prefer to have panties on my desk than lawsuits from disgruntled customers. But anyway, Robert, what would you think if I offered you a temp position at CGI Montreal? We’ll provide you with some training. As long as you want, we cannot pay the same money than a movie studio of course, but our company has a dream, values and we’re geared toward profitable growth. Check out our stock price. Ticker is GIB.

Robert goes, you are in Montreal? That’s a long fucking ride from L.A., I don’t want to fly to South Africa ya know?

I go, Montreal is in Canada, Robert. You don’t have to fly to South Africa. It’s an hour from JFK. And rest assured, we don’t live in igloos and we don’t eat raw seal.

Robert goes, really? Man I should look on a map, I thought Canada was in the middle East between Brazil and Madagascar. Do you guys still have a king? So yeah, sure, I can be there next Monday. What day is today? Talk to my agent for the details.

I thanked Robert for his unparalleled attention to our conversation and we agreed to meet at my office next Monday at 9:00. In the morning I specified. This douche bag might have shown at night thinking CGI was a night club.

I then opened my Outlook calendar as requested that Serge be there as well. He will pay for this.

CGI to hire Robert Pattison (Part 1)

Serge came to me with this idea, he sometimes has this uncontrollable urge to do something for CGI. So he came into my office this morning, suggesting that CGI hires some kind of rock star to prove to youngsters that IT is the way to go for a career. As you all know, pushing teenagers to do a degree in computer science is harder nowadays than asking a government not to create deficits.

So Serge said, we should hire Robert Pattison, he may not know a lot about computers but we could find him a good spot at CGI. I go, who the fuck is Robert Pattison, he is a quarterback or something? Serge rolls his eyes, Mike you don’t know jack about popular culture, he’s a movie star man, he’s the hottest ticket you can have for a teenage flick. You should watch Entertainment Tonight more often, he’s the lead actor in the Twilight movies. So I go, a new Twilight Zone series?

Serge sighs, as to demonstrate my cluelessness about the entertainment news that he knows so much about. Mike, he said, I’m a Imdb Pro user and I met his agent at a cocktail party and he told me that Robert wanted to take a break from acting. You know, just to take some fresh air. Since he’s extremely popular with teenagers and young adults, CGI could hit a home run by hiring this guy. IT will suddenly be cool again and we will party like it is 1999 all over again.

I had to admit Serge had a point. Having a movie star aboard could appeal to young people looking for career options. If they go get a degree in computer science, CGI could hire them cheap afterward and tag them on a high-profit gig. I go, Serge tell me, what this Robert guy looks like. Serge opens his briefcase and shows me the picture above.

I go, what the fuck, is this the dickhead you want me to hire? Jesus-Christ, look at this guy for 2 seconds will you, he looks totally baked, sure he’d be the perfect candidate if they do a remake of Still Smokin but this bum doesn't fit into a serious IT project.

Serge goes, his agent says he looks pretty decent if we can keep fun stuff away from him. Moreover, we would hire him for what – couple of months – just enough time for him to chill and for us to leverage his presence at CGI. It’s a win-win situation.

Serge enjoys busting my balls when he knows he has a point. So I go, well give me the phone number of this agent, I’ll call him later today and we’ll see what we can do. Criminey, look again at this guy, he probably burns one after shooting a take.

What a day it’ll be. I’ll let you know how it goes.