CGI to hire Robert Pattison (Part 2)

As a follow-up to the previous story, I mustered all my strength and called Robert Pattison’s agent to lure him at CGI.

His agent was pretty straightforward and business-minded, I liked that. Said Robert is exhausted of shooting Twilight movies, wants to take a real break and go off the radar for a while. Cash is not issue, Robert is loaded. So I said, so far so good, we cannot pay a lot anyway. So he gives me his cell phone number and I call the punk.

So Robert goes, Mike Roach…. CGI… right.. my agent told me you’d call all right. So you’re the computer guy?

I go, yes I am the CEO of the largest IT consulting company in Canada, ISO 9001 of course, we have over 26,000 employees worldwide, revenue growth of 3.2% this fiscal year. So what’s going on Robert, you want to take a break from your acting career?

Robert goes, yeah Mike, I’m kind of sick of this Twilight shit, ya know, shooting schedule is taking a huge fucking toll, 12 hours a day, 7 days a week, plus all the parties. And Kristen is so fucked up, I mean a real psycho, she’s the next Lindsay, I need to get away from her. And also, handling fans is a total pain, I got girls who fedex me their panties overnight, they’re still wet when I open the box. I need to do real fucking things like repairing motorcycles or cleaning a chicken farm, you know, I’d like to go AWOL for a while an live a fucking normal life like everyone.

Then I heard the clinging of bottles and then a huge “Shit!’, poor Robert must have knocked down the left-overs from last night’s party. What a shocker.

I go, yes I can relate to this too. Although I’d prefer to have panties on my desk than lawsuits from disgruntled customers. But anyway, Robert, what would you think if I offered you a temp position at CGI Montreal? We’ll provide you with some training. As long as you want, we cannot pay the same money than a movie studio of course, but our company has a dream, values and we’re geared toward profitable growth. Check out our stock price. Ticker is GIB.

Robert goes, you are in Montreal? That’s a long fucking ride from L.A., I don’t want to fly to South Africa ya know?

I go, Montreal is in Canada, Robert. You don’t have to fly to South Africa. It’s an hour from JFK. And rest assured, we don’t live in igloos and we don’t eat raw seal.

Robert goes, really? Man I should look on a map, I thought Canada was in the middle East between Brazil and Madagascar. Do you guys still have a king? So yeah, sure, I can be there next Monday. What day is today? Talk to my agent for the details.

I thanked Robert for his unparalleled attention to our conversation and we agreed to meet at my office next Monday at 9:00. In the morning I specified. This douche bag might have shown at night thinking CGI was a night club.

I then opened my Outlook calendar as requested that Serge be there as well. He will pay for this.