Creating the biggest wiener factory

I feel it is important dear member that I share with you some of my bold plans for the future of this company. Just a glimpse, as The Plan requires a minimum IQ of 170 for a basic understanding, and HR tells me that no one scores that high.

You must understand that, very much like other fields, size do matter. Size is more important than quality because our world is based on numbers and quality is one very hard aspect to attach metrics to. Hygrade understands this very well, you don't want to know what kind of meat goes into the wiener, but you want to make sure you buy them when they are on sale. It's the same with humans.

My plan is to double the size of the company within the next 5 years, increase our earnings threefold and to lower CPM (Cost Per Member) by 15%. I want to manufacture a lot more wieners but the TCO of a 12-pack must be dirt cheap so I can make a fat profit on bulk sales. Consultants are to customers what wieners are to buns, and ketchup is like overhead. Since it is an expensive condiment we make sure that only one bag is provided.

Once you understand the inescapable logic and sheer beauty of profitable growth, you should not be surprised to read rants such as this one on RateMyEmployer.ca:

I saw enough of that place to know that I had to get out if I wanted to get anywhere. I left CGI for a 12% salary increase, better benefits, and I have since gotten another 3% increase recently.

If you work for CGI and it is around August/September, be concerned if you are not billable. You could be on the street joining the ranks of the unemployed. Of course make-work projects are created for some friends on the bench. Another technique that is used is creative reporting for projects because CGI strives for a "green" environment when it comes to projects.

In the GTA office on certain high floors, if you have friends in senior or lower management, you can get places. Especially if you were all from a team that now runs the show. Of course this is at the expense of other hard working employees... It is not what you know but who you know and who are your friends. A manager friend will guide on how to decorate your annual review so that you can "promote" yourself and so that he can promote you. There are other things... Does HR know of this....hmmmmm.... probably not.

This poor crybaby from GTA surely hasn't take some time to read our latest Q4 results. If he had, he would understand that his tiny personal sacrifice is essential to the meteoric growth of this company and anyone criticizing upper management should be accused of high treason and sent COD to the Tower of London (or Detroit, whatever location is closest).

As a member and shareholder, the GTA whiner is ridding the best Canadian stock on the TSX. But Mr. Nitwit here is only concerned with this own and short term benefit, he does not give a shiitake about the company that feeds him. He probably wants to purchase a new plasma screen to replace the one he bought 2 years ago. I'll make sure his annual review shows an appropriate scorecard under "Personal Attachment To The Company".

I've been told the Tower of London is for sale, is this true?

The Master of Unprofitable Growth

Happy Raymond is still in denial or he's full of it, you decide. The Conference Board of Canada stated that unless drastic actions are taken now, Quebec will dig its financial grave by $45 billions CAD each year just 20 years from now. My take is that some smart people in Ottawa have started using their calculators and the numbers are so staggering that their HP 12c are smoking.

Our Grand Master of Financial Illusions pictured above was quick to react and deny everything saying his administration was working days and night to cut expenses. Pointing fingers is one sure sign that everything is under control. Er, like dude, you expect us to believe this shit? According to the latest polls, a mere 85% of the population is fed up with Curly's administration, corruptions rumors and questionable expenses are making the headlines everyday.

Just this morning we learned that the Ministry of Education paid a firm $50 000 over 2 years to water its plants. If you ever worked in a government cubicle, you know that the potted plants there can survive almost anything including the presence of Happy Raymond. Still, some wise crack over there with a college degree figured it was okay to fork $50K just to water plants.

Just for the sake of entertaining myself a bit, I faxed our Q4 results to Happy Raymond today with a note saying: Our company is a fucking money printing machine, your administration is sinking faster than the Lusitania. And then I drew a crude Buzz Lightyear on the cover sheet with a caption: To Infinite Growth and Beyond.

Needless to say, Happy Raymond did not call me back.

Dear members, if CGI could be a country if would be the most fantastic place on Earth. I'm working on it, it's part of The Plan. Don't say anything.

Members Column Day : Interfacing with mere mortals

Dear FakeMike, I attended the CGI Annual Propaganda Tour a few times and it seems to me that upper management is more concerned with distributing a pre-packaged hollow speech than actually listening to what real “members” have to say. Membership has no privileges, really. When will management start to address real issues in this company? Stew from DC

Dear Dimwit, what you are witnessing is the wide intellectual chasm between upper management and sub-basement level employees. If you encounter a squirrel and try to explain quantum mechanics or 18th century poetry to the poor rodent, it would gaze at you in silence listening to your mumbo jumbo and hoping that this bulge in your pants is a bag of peanuts.

The annual tour brings a similar situation, we try to explain our strategic vision in very simple terms but we are acutely aware that the average intelligence level in the room is not able to grasp even the most basic principles behind our vast and elaborate thinking. Members hope there will be shrimps and free drinks at the end, so they listen to our speech patiently but their mind is in the buffet.

I mean, even if I explained you what The Plan is, you would not understand it. My mind has evolved into an advanced form where complex thoughts can be processed rapidly, and the downside of this amazing super power is that it is increasingly difficult for me to communicate with standard employees, even those empty shells acting as middle management. If I tried to tell you about The Plan, your mind would collapse from neurons over firing. You do not have enough processing power to grasp the intensity and depth of The Plan. Your IQ allows you to listen to shows like “Deal or No Deal”, but that’s how far your financial brain can go - and even then you don’t understand the probabilistic nature of the game.

As for your last sentence where you claim that management should address issues, maybe you should accept that there are no issues per se, just wrong perspectives. What you perceive as a problem is in fact a reality that you have a hard time processing. Upper management knows your brain has limited power, this is why we do not hold it against you. The annual tour is an attempt is package a very complex reality in small easy-to-process bites.

So I strongly encourage you to participate again in our annual tour, you will be reminded how great this company is, how lucky you are to live and breathe under our umbrella, that the future is paved with profitable bricks. And there might be shrimps.

Roach out.