Dear employees, I am hearing you

Some of you might think that I’m some kind of a pompous monarch highly perched into his ivory tower, overlooking the world in his luxurious office while sipping a cup of Earl Grey and enjoying a self-given sense of superiority and excellence. This couldn’t farther from the reality.

Yes I plan to wear a Darth Vader outfit for Halloween ’09 but this has nothing to do with my ego, the outfit happened to be on sale.

Truth is, I’m just a regular guy who followed the path and the path happened to lead to a CEO position. And starting from today I am creating a “Dear Abby” kind of column where CGI employees throughout the world can open their heart, talk about issues at work and I’ll be taking a hold-no-prisoner attitude toward them. They can go ballistic on me and I will listen. This is what a CEO should do, isn’t it? I mean, it’s better to whine here than posting your rants and salary on Glassdoor.com or RateMyEmployer.ca because there's someone who will listen to you.

Let’s take our first message, this is from a HR person whose identity will not be disclosed. Let’s call her Susie.

CGI acts toward its employees the same way cell phone companies are acting toward customers. Massive efforts are done to lure new customers, but existing and loyal customers are totally ignored. What could you do to improve this?

Susie here seems to have a point, but she does not when you work through the numbers. Luring new employees into our web requires great effort because – as I stated in an earlier post – CGI is not really cool per se and the job itself is as exciting as cleaning road kills on the highway. So investing a few lunches and career fair activities to capture a revenue generator (a new employee) that will bring in net profit tens of thousands of dollars a year to CGI is a safe investment.

So what do we do with existing employees? Well, nothing because the numbers do not add up. Let me tell you why.

There are a bunch of employees, which I call the 1^st tier, who will stay with you for years even though you totally ignore them, assign them to dull projects and give them ridiculous raises. They are the fat gooses who produce large golden eggs, except you don’t need to feed the goose or clean and heat the barn. Those employees might eventually go to a competitor only to realize it’s the same situation over there, so they come back to you begging for work, you hire them back and then you can completely abuse them for another 10 years or so. Sounds easy? It is.

The 2nd tier of employees is the “high-maintenance” one, they request a lot of attention on your end, they may work a lot but they expect something in return (like bonuses, promotions, taking part in strategic decisions and asking exceptions to corporate rules - yuck!). Fortunately, this tier is made up of much less people. You don’t invest anything in them because eventually they’ll come into your office and politely tell you to fuck yourself, and you’ll never see them again. So why bother investing in this tier too?

Bottom line is, the way we work now is a best practice and our spreadsheets are there to prove it. So to answer Susie’s letter, there’s nothing we can do to improve perfection.

Friends, please send your question to fake mike roach (at) gmail dot com with “Dear Abby” in the subject line. See you soon.