Managing like a pro

When you’re in the driving seat, you don’t poll all the passengers before you switch lane or take the next exit. Or switch radio station. Or use the wipers. You just do it.

A CEO has to take decisions that are sometimes unpleasant for the majority of the staff. But there's a noble cause behind all the accounting torture that CEOs put their organization through. The cause is profitability. CGIers know that I am devoting my life to profitable growth, and no detail is too small for the cause.

Don’t do like Raymond, minister of Finance & Happiness, whose government is bleeding billions of red ink and yet at the same totally unable to lower his expense under a 3.2% increase for the next fiscal year. Yes, that’s right, he’s been challenged by sound economic experts to keep his expense growth at 2.5% and the official word is that is it impossible without compromising the government core mission. Yeah, right.

Look at the picture above and ask yourself: Would you buy a used car from this man?

Raymond and his liberal friends are so full of bull it’s hard to believe they can contain so much. If CGI was deep in trouble and my CFO would show up in my office telling me, Mike sorry our total expenditure still has to grow 3.2% this year despite the fact that our financial statements look like a horror flick, what would I do? There’s a hardwood bookcase in my office where I keep a few mementos. I would grab the heavy ’08 golf trophy on top the bookcase and I would use it to beat my CFO until I hear the following words: WE WILL LOWER EXPENSES.

This is why dear members a CEO has have balls sometimes, big ones. You have to ditch the dickheads that keep saying it is impossible. You have to pound your fists on your desk and scream until the secretary starts to cry. You need to take control of the situation and take action. You need to walk around the office with a baseball bat until the bottom line displays black numbers, because if you don’t do it, the shareholders will bang on your door and ask for your resignation.

Unfortunately Raymond is not that kind of guy. This union-friendly sissy wants to be happy, he wants to be re-elected in 3 years and the ride has to be a smooth one. And the since the opposition party is staffed with dimwits and retards, there's a good chance Rain Man can pursue his uneventful career for a long time. Taxpayers do not behave like shareholders, let me tell you that.

But reality sometimes knocks on your door. I pray for that day to come.

Making employees more productive

Dear members, I'm coming up with more initiatives to increase our profitable growth, and I think you will like it.

Working during your daily commute could potentially generate 7% more revenues according to my calculations. I mean, what do you do when you're stuck in traffic? You tune in to some lame FM station that broadcast songs that you've heard a million time already. Or you listen to some talk radio where some meaningless topic is debated to great length just to fill the space between commercials. Meaning, your focus during those 30-60 minutes is totally lost. It's gone. Puf. An hour of your life just vanished into thin air without generating more revenues for our company.

My master plan is to coerce employees to participate in brainstorming session during their daily commute. I need more ideas to make mountains of cash. So we will set up these forums in our intranet where members have to submit ideas on a daily basis. If you don't suggest anything, well, we'll punish you of course. In a gentle way. Like your salary raise next spring? You know, you might get a negative raise. Like -5%.

Obviously those forums will be available through SERA, meaning you'll have to authenticate 3 times while driving, the SharePoint forums will use a different ID that is inconsistent with the ones you already have. I know it's a pain, but hey - we're a technology company.

If your commute involves the subway and you can't get any signal, well maybe it's time for you to reconsider your public transit options to help the company prosper.

Which brings to me to my last point. You're responsible for providing the device to access the forums, no we won't provide you iPhones or Blackberries or any other insanely expensive devices. I know your cheap Nokia doesn't support HTML, it's not my problem okay?

Members Column Day: On transparency

Dear FakeMike, I'm the manager of a small-size IT company and I'm thorn between having an open door policy where my employees know pretty much all about the business, or a Kremlin-type position where secrecy is king and I keep everything to myself. What would you advise? Gordon from AL.

If you're a manager, you already know the pain of having employees report to you. It ain't easy, you'd wish adults would behave like ones, but a fair part of being on top is having to deal with all the childish behavior going on.

If you are completely transparent with your company's activities, some employees will feel empowered and may generate higher revenues for you. That's the Hollywood scenario, and yes sometimes dreams do come true. But the stark reality facing our doors is that employees won't do more with more knowledge, they just want to punch 40 hours and go home. Sure, they'll ask you a bunch of questions about the business, but the goal behind this is to ask for higher raise. The business had a earning increase of 20%? Well, they'll say, isn't that insulting that you're proposing me 2.5%, maybe it's time I go work for the guy across the street.

Being transparent doesn't add value to your business, the less your employees know about your balance sheet, the better they'll feel. Don't bring your Mercedes at work, this might tip your employees that business is good. Rent a cheap car, or better yet, buy a rusty old one with no personality like a Chevy Cavalier or better yet a Ford Tempo. Your employees will feel pity for you, and that's good. They'll work double shift.

Failure of character

Someone sent me this picture last night, knowing how much I despise politicians who live by unprofitable growth. Poor Raymond, look at him on the right, he’s probably daydreaming about his upcoming week-end on the ski slopes. Or he’s wondering if he should have listen to his father 40 years ago and become a proctologist. Or maybe he’s just depressed, which is odd because he’s the Quebec minister of Happiness. But working for Curly (on the left) is surely taking a toll, when the captain is stirring the ship into the abyss it’s time to consider where the nearest lifeboat is.

The numbers are out. Quebec’s deficit has jumped $9.3B for 2008-2009, a whopping 4.4% increase from the previous fiscal year, totalling $218.6B. And that number doesn’t take into account some other government debt of $25B.

As if the picture wasn’t gloomy enough, public debt has been constantly increasing for the past 10 years even if the economy has been through exceptional phases during that period. Accounting gimmicks gave the impression that the budget was break even, but it was far from the truth. When you switch the amortization period of assets from 25 to 40 years, sure you’ll pay less each month but the global picture is actually worse.

Now you’re thinking, Raymond will look like a total ass 4 weeks from now when he will propose a budget for the coming fiscal year. No, he will be all smile because he’s the minister of Happiness, remember? Those who will look like clowns will be the paxpayers, because you and me will have to pay (again) for this hell of a mess. Brace yourself for impact, dear members from la belle province.

If the province of Quebec was a publicly traded company like CGI, what would happen? Shareholders would file a lawsuit against the board for total destruction of assets. And they’d probably rampage the headquarter looking for incriminating documents. Raymond and his boss are no different than those who managed WorldCom and Enron. The only difference is, their chose to work in public service, but their actions (or lack thereof) are the same. Failure of character.

Maybe I should give up CGI and run for office, bringing profitable growth (and therefore real happiness) to all citizens. I don’t know if Serge would let me.

More non-billable work

As if the CGI Magic Mushroom dance was not enough, someone brought to my attention the following clip from our '09 annual tour. Some members that are obviously not dressed for work perform some kind of ritual dance, I just hope that the objective behind all this is to bring more revenues to CGI but I doubt it. Even the guy who has an archtop guitar forgot to plug it, the whole idea of this dance thing still elude me.

Dear members from the eastern countries, CGI is not a night club. I want to see gloomy faces during the annual tour, this way I know you work hard.

Quick poll on failure

My VPs convinced me recently to put up a quick poll on our Web site where we ask visitors what is the most common risk associated with managing IT projects. As if this was a mystery of some sort. I said okay, just to keep them happy and busy.

There are only 3 possible answers, you don’t get to win anything. Let's take a closer at the possible answers, shall we?

Lack of required resources and skills might mean many things. For instance the consulting firm initially proposed a team of seasoned senior guys, really top shelf, but on Day 1 they claimed some “availability issues” and sent a mismatched bunch of junior guys who happened to be on the bench the previous week. Or the firm managed to send good people to the client, only to realize internal resources had as much as brain power as a tooth brush. Either way, the project is doomed to fail.

What does inaquate oversight and communication mean? Well it might mean that the PM is a total douche bag who doesn’t care much about what happens on the floor, he’s just in for the paycheck and to add another line in his resume. Or he is a smart person who has been dropped in the middle of multiple wars raging between organizational units. He’ll just be another casualty after a few months, the firm already has a short list of mildly depressed PMs ready to replace him.

As for disconnect between business needs and technology, and it’s still the same old story, a fight for cash and glory. This is one of the shameful disease you get when you hire someone let’s say from IBM, Microsoft or HP/EDS (totally random example, don't know how those got into my head). Those guys want to make your project a relatively good success but as long as you buy their shit.

Snakeoil top salesmen come in and their first task is to identity the internal dweebs who will act as external “spokesmen” for the company. Microsoft Certified A-holes are very good at this, they can pinpoint internal employees who built their careers by spreading the Redmond gospel all over. The MS horsemen then slightly praise those employees for their “exceptional knowledge” of Windows (ahem), and next thing you know those employees will work day and night to provide reasons for the organization to purchase Microsoft products and nothing but. The project as a whole might fail, but it won’t be because the client chose a disarray of products from multiple vendors.

But in the end, keep in mind that failure is not a critical factor for an IT consulting firm. What matters is whether or not you can manage to bill top rate for whatever acts your clowns can perform, as long as possible.

From CGI with love

Happy Valentine's Day to all CGI members, please make sure the time you spend with your husband/wife/lover/inanimate object is not billable even if the project staff include one or more of the aforementioned participants.

If you had to leave early today because you had to purchase a box of Russell Stover candy box (tip: Valentine-theme chocolates are heavily discounted after Feb. 14), don't forget to compensate tomorrow and work until the wee hours.

Notify the project manager of any change in your schedule, and make sure your cell phone is always on because shit will hit the fan the second you exit the building and we need to reach you anytime. Should your cell phone ring while you're in the middle of something with your husband/wife/lover/inanimate object, simply say that CGI needs you and CGI is the largest IT service provider in Canada, the 8th largest in the world, that the ticker is GIB and it is a safe investment. Conclude with a statement that you - as a member - are on a profitable growth mission and nothing can stop you. Your significant other will totally understand.

Happy Valentine everyone, I love you. Really.

Genetic screening for profitable growth

Serge sent me this link where The Donald claims that his genes are partly responsible for his fame and success. Money quote: I'm a gene believer... hey when you connect two race horses you get usually end up with a fast horse.

At first I had a good laugh, but then I found myself deeply puzzled by this point of view. What if The Donald was right? What if managers could be tested for bad genes, in order to screen stars from duds? Could we rank managers this way on a scale from 0 to 100, or was the gene pretty much binary? Sure, a personal interview is a good start to know someone but perception can be deceiving - ask the folks who invested with Maddoff.

So I went back to Serge with this idea. Let's implement genetic screening for anyone at CGI who strive for middle and upper management. If we can find the gene for profitable growth, I could easily isolate members who will bring me big bonanza, like 1000 time their salary. Those who don't score will be assigned to mindless tasks, but I want to spot the real stars.

I'm all excited right now, I need to think on how we will implement this. More later. Roach out.

Unionized nightmares

I’ve been having some recurring nightmares recently, maybe it’s time I go back in therapy. For instance, I woke up last night screaming “freedom” in a Braveheart fashion, my favourite Richie Rich PJs were damped with sweat.

I dreamt CGI had been taken over by unions. A horrible dream, I gotta tell you.

We’d been infiltrated by the CSN, one of the most vicious union organizations here in Quebec and I had to run every decision through this communist witch. Our company was paralyzed, after years of profitable growth CGI was stuck in a dead-end. Salaries and benefits were out of control, we could barely break even and Wall Street analysts were bashing us (well that’s not news). We had lost maybe 30% of workforce, the best people had left the ship.

Left-wing politicians were telling the press that CGI was a mature company and it was time for unions to get in and bang us so that everyone can benefit. Nature was taking its course, they were saying. I could see myself in my office, head in my hands, overlooking a sea of red ink. The picture of our fearless founders in the boardroom had been replaced with ones of Stalin, Marx and Lenin.

The profitable growth theme had been replaced by “equitable growth’, the company annual report looked more like a socialist manifesto than a financial document.

I was so depressed that I resigned and went back to my native Pembroke where I was now growing canola because it was highly subsidized by the federal government.

What a horrible dream, I was so shaken by this apocalyptic vision that I went into my home office and checked on my computer the balance of all CGI bank accounts to sooth my troubled soul. What I have done to deserve such torment?

Met with the minister of happiness

Bumped with Raymond Bachand this week-end on my way to the gym, we train at the same facility in Outremont. I’m never at ease when talking with politicians, those guys are a strange mix of pickpockets and televangelists. They talk to you like you’ve been best friends for 25 years, even though you only met them once or twice. And they always have an agenda, even in the locker room.

I’m of course an easy magnet for whores who want to be best buddy with anyone who make more than they do. Don’t get me wrong, Raymond is probably a fantastic guy on a personal level. But as soon as he gets into his politician mindset he starts acting as a fucking clown. They all do.

So Raymond greets me at the gym and congratulates me on our fantastic Q1 results. I go, same to you Ray, I wish you remain Quebec minister of finance for another year. But you know what Ray, I don’t know how to bring this to you, but you’ve been acting funny lately, is everything okay? Are you still taking your medication?

Ray looks puzzled, asks me what he did wrong. I go, Raymond, I was watching the news a few weeks ago and you came out with a statement that went along the line of: What's really important is not to balance a budget. What's really important is for people to be happy.

Ray looks relieved, he goes yes that statement. You know what, Mike? This is absolutely true, I firmed believe that happiness should be the number one priority of our government.

I go, Ray, listen to you for one second, are you out of your freaking mind? May I remind you that your title says you're in charge of FINANCE, you're not a motivation speaker, and you’re not a Prozac spokesman either. Your job description is to balance budgets and God hear me, to make a profit.

Raymond goes, deficits are okay Mike, the taxpayer has deep pockets and we can go on like this for another 50 years before civilization collapses, and by then you and I will be dead, so it doesn’t really matter. Our children will take care of the mess. I mean, what’s the option, cut expenses by 25% and take the risk of not being reelected in 3 years? Anyway, you know what Mike, there's one thing I'd like to do after taxpayers kick me out of office. He looks at me very seriously and says, Mike I'd like to sit on the CGI board of directors.

I go, Ray our board is more than full right now, but you know what, send me your resume and I'll keep it on file. Like, the circular file. If there's an opening in the future I'll let you know.

Then Ray went out to train on the treadmill with his don’t-care-if-the-world-goes-down smile.

Let's imagine for one moment that Raymond works at CGI and let's push the envelope even further and let's picture Ray is the CFO. Let's say CGI has a bad quarter and Ray meets the financial reporters who are eager to understand why we left the profitable growth path. This dickhead would put on a big smile and would probably say, well revenues are down, the company is bleeding red ink but you know what folks, our surveys say our members are happy. Yes, they are. And that's what important, ladies and gentlemen, deficits are totally okay as long as you're happy as a clam.

Then CGI would be traded as a penny stock, everyone would lose, but Ray would be all smile.

I will call Curly this week, someone has to stop the train wreck before it's too late.

Members Column Day: About the workweek

Dear FakeMike, a growing number of CGI members are concerned that the company is raising the workweek at many U.S. and Canadian locations purely for financial reasons. A lot of regular folks down the pyramid think CGI has reach a point where money is the only value the company cares about. The Kool-Aid has a strange after taste. Is there a reason for raising the workweek other than increasing company revenues?

Let me think… no… none than I can think of. Look, this is just one of those things that we can’t avoid. We set aggressive sales objectives and the reality must adapt to our perspective. I don’t give a damn about the recession, I don’t care about the competition, and – don’t take this personally – I don’t care about members working an additional 30 minutes each day.

Let me tell you a story. A hundred years ago farmers were raising chickens in the wild. Farmer John would put up a fence around his property, put a bucket of seeds in the middle with fresh water, and the chickens would take care of themselves and do chicken things. As the 20^th century progressed, Farmer John realized that his business model had flaws. He built a large hen farm, increased the number of chicken per square foot and built partnerships with other farmers to buy seeds at lower price. Then came KFC, and the demand for chicken increased ten fold. So what did Farmer John did? He was a smart man. He built small cages that could be layered one on top of the other, chicken would literally live in cages without being able to stand on their feet, and Farmer John was able to raise 150 times more chicken without raising substantially his operating cost. Farmer John worked from dusk until dawn, and by the time they found a tumor in his brain he was filthy rich.

Farmer John invented profitable growth.

You are important to me the same way chicken were important to Farmer John, except I don’t chop your head after 42 days. My goal at CGI is to increase revenues per chicken.. I mean per member. Billing more hours for the same fixed salary is one way to pursue profitable growth. If you’re doing 37.5 hours a week, don’t whine – I could increase you to 40. If you’re doing 40, I could increase you to 42. German laws have a 54 hours limit, so there’s plenty of room to grow. I wish we could be headquartered in Japan so we could implement karōshi. Plus, I work 60+ hours a week and I’ve never felt better in my entire life - true, the $800 000 bonus helps a little.

Our competition is acting in the same way, don’t think for a minute that the other guys are better than us. If they interview you, all they see in you is another source of revenue, they don’t give a shiitake about your career objectives, your cute kids and your personal values. They want to leverage whatever is inside your head and bill a customer for it.

Money drives this world.

A new center of excellence

We plan to announce soon the creation of a new center of excellence in Papua to better serve our worldwide customers.

Trust me when I say this, this wasn't easy. Every IT firm has been outsourcing in India for the past 20 years, so the competitive edge is not there anymore. Sure, they are educated, they dance well and they can develop applications for one fifth of the price of a team in Montreal. But if all your competitors are doing the same scheme to shave on cost, what else can you do to boost your earnings?

So we went boldly where no IT firm has gone before, and we recruited 100 or so native folks in Papua who lived pretty much in the wild. My plan is to open a backup center there to serve our existing operations in Phoenix, Montreal and Lebanon. You wouldn't be believe how cheap these guys are, I think their profit-sharing bonus will be a small plastic mirror.

Training has proved to be difficult, Brother Bru-Bru (center, on picture) had never seen a computer, or any electric device for that matter. He thought the circular backup tape was some kind of religious object used to worship the sun. Bru-Bru was wary of using e-mail too, as he thought this strange device was used to communicate with people in the afterlife. And I'm not talking about forcing these guys to do their PSA time sheet on Fridays, they don't even know what "Friday" is...

Anyhow, CGI is investing a lot in training, don't ever say we don't okay?

Our fearless founder spoke (in French)

Serge made a passionate speech a few days ago about guess what… of course, profitable growth! For those of you who understand enough French to able to get laid in Paris, listen to this and pray. If you don't know a word, you should stop playing with your Xbox and learn something for a change.

Serge wants you to be happy, if you are not happy maybe you should question your attitude rather than criticizing CGI don't you think?