Bachand explains how the universe will collapse before the next election

The King of Creative Accounting is seen here as he explains that the universe will eventually collapse into a sphere the size of a melon, at which point fundamental particles will break down and everything will turn into a warm bowl of quarks.  Raymond was quick to demonstrate that the public debt will not matter at this point, whatever will remain of Moody's will be irrelevant and - most importantly - everyone will be happy.  So go spend your discretionary money while there's still time, he said.

A few journalists scratched their head but no one challenged the physics behind this.

Happy Raymond then explained to this fans in a casual tone that the annual deficit - not the debt - is apparently lower than expected.  This comes as a total surprise, considering that he raised the provincial tax by 2 points during the past 24 months, that he also raised taxes on gasoline, that wines & spirits sold by the Quebec government are prohibitively expensive, just to name a few things.  Ray then reassured everyone that his administration was the best thing on Earth.

Er.

Imagine yourself on a cruise, as you sip a gin tonic on the upper deck you hear the sound of the captain's voice on the speaker.  The ship has hit an iceberg and iced water is rushing inside the hull.  Some harsh critics on board theorize that the ship could be sinking, considering that water cannot enter a ship indefinitely, but the entire staff reassures passengers that everything is under control.  To prove the point, captain Raymond "The Unsinkable" Bachand holds a small press conference in the ballroom.

"There are good news", says the jolly captain.  "We managed to patch some of the holes and the ship is now sinking at a lower rate".  Everyone in the audience gives the captain a round of applause.  "It's true that we used body parts from casualties to fill those holes, but is was limited to middle class passengers.  It is normal to ask of those to contribute their fair share so the ship doesn't go down.  Rest assured, lower class passengers will not be asked to contribute".  The crowd erupted in joy.

"But there's more!" says Captain Bachand.  "We dispatched more staff with buckets in the lower decks, and everyone is hard at work to remove the water.  Within the next 2 years we should be able to evacuate as much water out as it is coming in, this will be a terrific achievement!"

The crowd cheered and raised their glasses of champagne to the well-being of the smart commander of the ship, and sang loudly : Ride, captain ride, upon your mystery ship.  Be amazed, at the friends, you have here on your trip.

Find your lifejacket before the government prohibits them.

Member's Column Day: Ranting about severance

It has become common for employees nowadays to rant about something at work in order to be accepted by their colleagues.   CGI is no exception unfortunately, and some members enjoy criticizing every decision taken by senior management because it has become fashionable to do so.  It is cool, like the young people say.  Here's what ranter #1 has to say:

I was outsourced to CGI and since being employed by them I and my fellow co-workers have been treated like garbage. CGI is counting on people to not be able to survive on EI, this way the employee is forced to take employment elsewhere and thus CGI gets away with not paying a severance. This is an unethical practice and it should be illegal. At the very least they should have provided the option of severance or temporary layoff. 

CGI Management should be ashamed. I don’t know how they can sleep at night.

I sleep very soundly, thank you for your concern.  I read a few spreadsheets along with hot cocoa in bed, I don't watch TV (except when CGI makes headlines) and my Richie Rich PJs remind me that profitable growth is more than my journey, it is the reality of all CGI members because we all share the same dream.  We are collectively the physical embodiment of profitable growth, we are one with our earnings.

Back to Mr. Whiner here, he should understand that "severance" is a dirty word.  Severance means money traveling in a single direction (from our account to yours) without billable work being done in return.

It is, by every definition, a black hole.

As Hawkins would point out, black holes need to be few unless you want the universe to last a mere 2.3 seconds before all matter is sucked into oblivion.   Same applies with the financial world, CEOs deserve a severance package because there are few (as compared to lower-class workers) and I mean you can't just apply for a CEO job the way you apply to be a Web developer.

I strongly encourage members to take their pocket calculator and crunch some numbers.  31,000 employees, 2 weeks severance package, consider your salary as a baseline and add 20%.  Daunting number, isn't it?  What would happen to our stock price if I were to announce such a lethal charge during our next earning calls?  Apocalyptic would be an understatement.   Since you are a shareholder - if you're not I suggest you reconsider that high opinion of yourself you've been telling yourself  - since YOU ARE A SHAREHOLDER then you know that US paying severance would mean a considerably lower share price, therefore you would lose much, much more in the end.

If you are smarter than a toothbrush, then you know my logic is sound and it makes a lot of sense to handle members termination this way.  Plus, you've guessed by now that those who are layed off are not exactly the sharpest knives in the drawer, meaning YOU are still employed because YOU deserve it.  And that conclusion speaks for itself.

Now get back to work, and stop whining.

New HR selection criteria

Just so you know, new selection criteria have been sent to our HR lieutenants for all job interviews.  This new policy reflects our on-going concern to hire top shelf candidates who will blend with our corporate culture.  This is a sample of the questions we now toss during interviews:

1. Do you share the belief that money is evil?  If so, show me what's inside your wallet.

2. Are you a registered member of  any political party whose purpose is to destroy the supply-and-demand economy in favour of a state-controlled system run by unionized bureaucrats?

3. Is that a red square pinned on your jacket?  Tell us more about this.

4. Is we report stellar earnings at the end of this quarter, how would you feel about this?

5. Are your parents or any close relative member of a registered union such the CSN or the FTQ?

6. What kind of books do you enjoy to read?  Karl who?

7. Have you ever traveled to China, the former USSR or Cuba?  Who did you meet with over there?

8. How comfortable are you with wealth?  Do you share the viewpoint that behind every fortune lies a hidden crime?

9. Tell us more about your friends, what do you talk about when you gather over a drink?

10. Are you on Facebook?  Yes?  This is great, it shows you are forward thinking person.  Now, tell us your ID.

I told you so

What did I tell you last week about her?  Mark my words.  She has a plush position waiting for her.  She was a good soldier, she was in the hot spot and took bullets for the Liberal party.  Curly made a few calls this week-end.  Her future is secured.

That sinking feeling

Curly knows the end is coming sooner than expected.  Despite his limited intellect, he is able to foresee that his administration is sinking faster than the Bismarck.   He's being butt-fucked by all the students on strike, cops are being severely beaten by students, violence is rampant all over Montreal, and stories of mobs getting juicy public contracts make headlines every day .  

But Curly remains cool as a cucumber.  This guy could swim in a deep pool of manure and yet retain a fresh smell afterward and make jokes about it.

Even Happy Raymond, seen here on the left, plays Angry Birds because he knows the end of time is coming.   Or maybe he's texting some buddies because he does not understand how to read a balance sheet.  Probably the former, he does not give a shiitake about finance anyway.  

Education minister Lyne Beauchamp, on the right, is wondering what fat job she could land after her political career will be over.  Maybe some comfy chair in Paris like many of her predecessors, dealing with "cultural exchange" between Quebec and France, where you can get paid top dollar to host lavish parties, talk rubbish and not be accountable for anything.  Who knew a degree in psychology could get her so far?  

When you look at them in the eyes, you come to the same conclusion: these guys could not care less.  They fucked the system and milked it for all it's worth, the next administration will do the same until the Final Collapse.  That Greek moment when money talks and everything else is muted by the sheer force of reality.  

Do you understand when I say that these clowns could not last a minute inside a public company where every dollar we earn, every penny we pay you is analyzed by Wall Street and impacts our stock price before the market close?  These politicians could not even clean the lavatory, because it requires a clear and unequivocal understanding of "clean" and "dirty".

I asked my top lieutenants to review Project Exodus.  Business continuity at CGI cannot be impacted by political turmoil.  

The end is near.  But keep working.

Civilized people don’t buy gold, says Charlie

Could not be more true.  You won't learn anything when I say that smart people buy GIB.TO, the best Canadian stock out there way above the rest.  Average investors buy mutual funds from Investors and other industry hacks but they have no clue what a mutual fund is.  Dumb people, well, do not invest at all, do not buy gold and even if they wanted to purchase gold would not know where to purchase it, they simply prefer to buy disposable electronics at Best Buy.

Great Scott, where does Charlie buy his glasses, is that a custom order from Bausch & Lomb?  When I'll reach that noble age, I truly hope I won't have to wear spheres of glass to check on my spreadsheets.  Diapers, I don't care, you could work extra hours that way.  Special hearing devices, not an issue, people talk too much anyway so a little silence brings everything into focus.  But a CEO's vision has to sharp as an eagle, because numbers are the true meaning of life.

In my youth, when my teenage friends used their disposable income to purchase motorcycles, vinyl records and other depreciating assets, I wondered how I could leverage my tiny bank accounts.  Gold was a tempting option for me at that time, but I blame Scrooge McDuck for polluting my young mind with images of bottomless pool of gold coins and unsorted currencies.  Then I read how Ross Perot created EDS to sell mainframe time to companies that were not able to purchase big irons from Univac and IBM.

That being said, I strongly encourage you to check the performance of BRK for the past 2 years and do a little comparison with GIB.  You draw your own conclusions.

Full disclosure: Long GIB

Disclaimer: Material presented here is for informational purposes only. The above quantitative stock analysis, including the Star rating, is mechanically calculated by yours truly and is based on historical information. The analysis assumes GIB will perform in the future as it has in the past. This is always true, because profitable growth ensures our destiny. Before buying or selling any stock you nevertheless should do your own research and reach your own conclusion. If you reach a different conclusion, then you should re-check your numbers.

Just so you know

Instead of forking 3 grand to upgrade your home movie theatre, why don't you long the stock that all smart people on Bay street recommend to their client? I mean, it's your choice, but if I were you...

Like, dude?

Can't help myself, those ads hit a nerve and make me angry.

First of all, this youth in the ad looks like he had his hair done in a car wash. Second, the cheap suit, definitely not from Harry Rosen where real men go. If this guy was loaded as the ad claims, he would not look like a guy on parole who's trying to sell you something fishy. Plus, the outside glow would be appropriate for an adult DVD, not that I've rented anything in that department, but I've been told.

In any case, going past his questionable appearance, I loathe the "get rich quick" scheme. If Bobby here was serious about money, he would ditch his supposedly attractive penny stocks before the market closes today. I mean, if a company's public shares are worth $0.04, maybe that's a subtle hint that the headquarter is located in a trailer park (best case scenario) and not much assets can be found in the books.

In which case, unless the CEO of this public company has a breakthrough idea after he sobers up, buying this "penny stock" is an unwise investment and it would be more efficient to burn your money because you'd not pay brokerage fees.

GIB.TO made me rich. Get it?

Going banana

Hardly a day goes by without me doing a sales pitch for CGI. My thinking is, a CEO doesn't participate in the sales effort, who will?

Like last Thursday, my staff was behaving and I found no error in any of the spreadsheets that were submitted for approval. It was - theoretically - a perfect day. Until I went downstairs to grab a muffin at around 4:32 to sustain my mental energy under dinner, when I learned that the store was out of the banana variety.

Sure, they had blueberry, bran & raisin, oatmeal galore, even that inedible double chocolate, but my mood and historical data pertaining to my personal consumptions of muffins indicated that a banana muffin was my personal optimal choice at that very moment.

But they had none. No banana muffin.

I questioned the store clerk about what market events had triggered such banana muffin shortage, if senior managers at the store had been briefed on the incident as it will surely impact their next quarterly earnings in a small yet significant way, if there was a glitch in the supply chain and in such case could this be optimized by calling a SAP expert.

Do you know what the simple-minded store clerk said to me?

"Well, it's just we ran out of banana muffin, come back tomorrow"

This careless behaviour was unacceptable to me as a customer, and I'm positively sure the store owner would be terrified to learn he had lost a sale due to bad strategic planning. How come there was still five, STILL FIVE double-chocolate muffins and no trace of banana muffin? Who runs this ship? Did anyone learn a lesson from the downfall of Zellers in Canada?

Clearly, the daily production of said muffins was improvised. No, it was botched. Even lobotomized monkeys under the influence of illegal substance would do a better job.

I dully informed the clerk of the situation and how CGI could help their company improve dramatically their core business processes. Had he heard about our centre of excellence in Troy, Alabama ?

CGI could even put the muffins in the cloud, therefore any sales clerk would be able to check the banana supply from a mobile device anywhere in the world, understand the trend in customer taste in real time and dispatch production orders to ensure timely delivery of warm, fresh banana muffins. Such understanding of the marketplace would push the muffin store on a straight path to profitable growth and…

At that point I realized the clerk was looking at me in way that did not indicate a complete and thorough understanding of the free analysis I was delivering. Plus, 5 people were waiting in line, right behind me.

It's lonely at the top, but everyday I realize that there are many bozos in base camps...

Death, corporate governance and common cold

Although I pride myself not to explain my decisions, behaviour or choice of takeover target, I must humbly apologize for my lack of presence here during the past several weeks.

I know, I know, I should have use any member doing bench time to update this blog, but consider this: can anyone imitate me? Can a DBA act as an CEO imposter and really analyze and slice the reality of the worldwide IT industry and offer advice to other strategic thinkers like I do? I would not bet 1/100 of my annual bonus on this.

The thing is, I'm concerned about my own mortality and the future of CGI. I don't think anyone can walk into my shoes and lead this company into more profitable growth. The passing of Steve Jobs in October prompted our board to analyze possible succession plans, in the event where I would be run over by garbage truck or worse yet a Montreal cab driver.

Frozing my head in nitrogen after death is one possible option, although I don't like the idea of it. Larry King plans to do it, or so I heard.

Sure, scientists from the 23rd and a half century might bring me back to life to assume a second tenure at CGI, but I'm not comfortable skipping like 250 years of quarterly financial reports. I don't give a shiitake about what tech will be down the road (let me guess, it will stink, and I bet Windows XP will still be supported), but I'm truly concerned about having to catch up with dozens and dozens of annual reports written by less-than-competent executives who will be 6 feet under ground by the time said scientists resuscitate me.

I won't be able to demonstrate my wrath for past mistakes done by generic CEOs between 2080 and 2095, these morons will be snoozing at the cemetery and their tombstones will be eroded like public treasury! What if I find an error in a 10-K that was written in 2023? What if I discover that CGI started paying a dividing in 2122 and by 2167 will be considered a "dividend aristocrat"? What if coffee is free again in our office and the company is paying for every cup of joe?

The challenge of correcting 2 centuries of lax management is a daunting one, I'd prefer to shut down operations and return whatever money is left to the stockholders in their flying cars.

If you ask me, I'd prefer immortality even it if means a very long run. Eventually the sun will run out of hydrogen and we'll have to move out to another planet to expand and deepen relations with new and existing customers. I would look forward to building relationship with other races in the galaxy and explain to little green men the benefits of outsourcing their IT operation so they can focus on their core business.

Back to the freezing-my-head plan - as the board suggests - it implies being decapitated, and call me a sissy but I don't want my dead body to be chopped, especially by current board members or business unit leads with no surgical experience. It's like voiding my limited guarantee, I feel something bad will come out of it. And being frozen for 200 years is just an invitation to catch a bad cold and to endure a runny nose for centuries.

Plus, what happens when said scientists bring you back to life in 2300 ? Do you get a 20-year life extension, after which they freeze again your head and scientists get back doing Ph.Ds for another 200 years to determine what went wrong and how to extend life for 30 years instead of 20? And then they repeat the freaking process again and again? No, no, no, you guys won't chop my head every 250 years just to fund your lazy university research centres.

Now get back to work and bill.