Trick, treat or profitable growth?

This time of the year is what I call the “orange & black” plague, where even health-conscious individuals crave for glucose/fructose-infused candies colored by Dupont.

As much as I hate Halloween and other folkloric traditions that do not improve bottom line, I do my very best NOT to show my intolerance because people seem to be happy about this festivity and the total cost is very low. I prefer to buy a box of discounted candies and put it on a coffee table in the lobby than giving everyone a raise. If I’m lucky, there will be some candies left and I can re-use them next year therefore implementing a small scale dollar-cost averaging since candies are also subject to price increase.

I also decided this year to greet kids in a different way where they show up at my house. Giving them lollipops and chocolate bars serves no purpose as the average kid cannot eat all the crap they collect on that night. Cheap stuff is discarded too. So I will give them a brochure about CGI with instructions to give it to their dad or mom, as we’re always looking to expand and deepen relationships with new and existing clients. This may startle innocent minds, but even kids know the value of money. I will explain to them that candies are a short term treat that will only bring them dental discomfort, buying GIB shares on the other hand is a smart move.

I’ll explain that witches and zombies tend to short stocks and this bad habit will only lead them further on a path of destruction. Being long on a strong cash-flow positive company that does not pay dividends like, well let’s take a random example, CGI Group (wink, wink) is one sure sign that you are outgrowing childish behaviour and becoming a money-wise pubescent teenager who will one day send us a good resume. You may be a 5-year old Spider-man today, but 20 years from now you will work for me in a cubicle. And you too young lady in a princess costume. All of you.

What do you think about my idea? Should I wear my Darth Vader costume from last year?

I could make the Friendly Giant weep

When I was a young boy in Pembroke, we only had one TV in our house and it was a black and white set my parents acquired from a relative at a steep discount.

Like most of my friends, I watched a couple of shows intended for the younger crowd. The Flintstones were superficially funny but kinda weird, Fred had normal eyeballs but Wilma just had small dots. And Barney had hollow circles. Why was that? Were they drawn by separate artists with no guidelines on eyeball expressions?

The Thunderbirds were also an interesting show for rocket-minded youngsters. Me, I could not understand who funded Internal Rescue, I mean launching rockets on a daily basis to prevent minor incidents is not a sustainable business. Can you imagine the cost of running this operation? Lady Penelope was a high-maintenance chick. It could not be a government operation, the IR island would have been staffed with thousands of government workers, officials, union representatives. Didn’t make sense.

The most freaking show however was The Friendly Giant. For those of you south of the border, this Canadian production was about an oversize castle owner who entertained himself with a giraffe and a rooster. Whenever I saw the show opening where the castle gate would open, I would hide behind the sofa afraid that the Friendly Giant would catch me and lure me into his cardboard mansion.

You may ask, Mike why were you afraid of the most gentle person on Canadian television? He was a beloved icon, like Mr. Rogers, he could not hurt anyone, dude you must have serious issues ya know?

Here was my problem with the Giant: he was too good, he had to have a hidden agenda. I mean, the guy played music with his friends, told stories and inquired about their well-being. Problem is, he didn’t charge anything for his services! He did not expect anything in return! Can you believe this? Who does that? How does he pay the heating bill? What about property taxes, he was properly the most taxed citizen in the whole country. I was sure this was a whole scam, when the show ended and the gate would close, I could picture the Giant sending a bill to the giraffe. Nothing can be free, folks. Goodwill is a fantasy.

There is one thing however about this show that I found fascinating. The rooster was living in a bag nailed to the wall. That’s interesting, I thought. I wonder if people can be coerced into working into impossibly tight working environment with no daylight and tepid odors. That would be a fascinating idea, imagine the total cost of ownership of an employee if we can reduce his desk to 10 square feet.

So the Friendly Giant motivated me to pursue a career where I could control my castle and make sure we never run out of money. No music in this castle though, we’ll do hard stuff. Plenty of roosters, high-marging business, fully scalable. Playing flute does not generate revenues.

Why are you looking at me like that?

Perspectives on grass

Despite what researchers Cheech and Chong have proposed in their late 70’s papers, the grass is never greener on the other side.

There is a delusional tendency among IT consultants to believe that their next gig will be much better than the one they are currently on. When asked to describe their current client/project, most consultants will expand on total lack of management, fuzzy work objectives, intense politics and psychotic CIOs. They will tell you about unbelievable events that took place in front of their eyes. Stories about enraged PMs knocking down white boards, stoned workers and even people going at it in meeting rooms.

When those same consultants are assigned to a new project, they go through a honeymoon phase that lasts a short time. They are relieved to exit their current nightmare, they end up at a bar on their last day to celebrate the end of their detention and the group has a good time joking about the unbelievable things that made their life soooo miserable for months. If you ask those consultants at that precise moment what’s their outlook on the next project, they will tend to be very optimistic. Dude, it can’t be that BAD again, this is impossible. Or I’m sure the next team is better managed, one of my friends has been there for a year.

Let’s say you cash your $900 annual bonus and you hop on a plane to Vegas. You go the Bellagio because you feel lucky. You play the roulette and you put $100 on red. The ball hits black and you lose. You re-do the same bet, putting again $100 on the same red square. Damn it, the ball also landed in the back zone. You repeat this pattern another 5 times, and the freaking ball always land on black. Your mind tells you that the ball has landed on black 7 times, so there are strong odds that it will land on red the next time, right? It ain’t so obviously, as the ball always has a 50% chance of hitting red, and it has no memory of where it got the previous times. Researchers call this the “casino bias”.

Consultants have a similar bias, they’ve hit a string of failed projects and their subconscious tells me the next one will be a winner. Difference is, the game is rigged. There are no great projects, the ball can never land on red. Why is that?

Great projects do exist but they are done by a very small team of smart and internal people. Projects that involve dozens and dozens of people are usually doomed to fail, the smart people know this so they exit these projects as fast as they can. So the client brings in contractors to do the job, it has really no choice and it will be willing to pay big bucks for someone to save his butt. Careers and egos are at stake, remember? When the payload of IT consultants land on the site and there’s a kick-off meeting, the project is already in a terminal phase so to speak. The ship is still horizontal but there’s a 40 feet gap in the hull. Start pumping and enjoy the ride.

Consultants then realize that this gig will be worse – much worse - than the previous one. They remember fondly the old team, how they wished they were still there if they hated the place a few weeks ago. They’ll even have lunch with colleagues that are still on the former project, inquiring about the latest local drama. Then the consultants will go through the cycle again, they accept their current fate and their hope is now on the next project which surely will be much better. Seniors know better and they just KNOW things won’t improve.

There is no green grass. Just a slab of cold concrete.

Managing the next generation - Follow up

In regard to my last post on Friday, one kind member from the North East BU reminded me that texting teenagers do not escape Darwin's Law. Here's the proof.

I can only imagine the amused look on the face of DEP employees when they saw this nutty texting teenager with her oversized sunglasses dropping like a stone into the manhole. Hank, you ow me ten bucks, I told you she would fall into it.

As a result, we can expect a fair share of texting teenagers to be incapable of joining the workforce because they will self-eliminate. A minority will have to adapt to face-to-face communication and learn the intricacies of Office 2003.

Managing the next generation

Four thousand fifty texts a month = 135 a day = one every 7 minutes of waking life. And that’s the average U.S. teenage girl,according to a new Nielsen survey.

How am I going to hire those folks 10 years from now? Will I need an interpreter because those young people will totally be incapable of writing a full sentence without a mental breakdown? Let’s compare the depth of the two following analysis:

Analyst #1: Our preliminary assessment of risks dictate that management should re-consider Plan A and analyze what other option is available in order not to expose assets to unnecessary risks. CGI can assist management in pursuing other options.

Analyst #2: wRong, wont work dude. c u L8 R.

Assuming current teenagers will be able to use Office 2003 without a cell phone interface, what rate do you think I’ll be able to charge for Analyst #2? And considering the perforation level of today’s teenagers face, will be they forced to worked remotely not to shock customers with their questionable choices?

One more tour, fellas

It's something I've grown to be more uncomfortable every year, but if we don't do it our members will think something is wrong with upper management. And it's not the jet lag or the crappy airport food that bothers me. What irks me about our annual tour is the constant reminders that we have to share with our business units, much like a father visiting his offsprings and having to teach them that excessive partying does not pave the way for a successful life.

I've talked to Serge about having a different kind of annual tour, where business unit leaders would visit ME instead of me touring the fucking world. I mean, did the King of France or England take the time to tour his country every year? No, all the Lords had to visit the king and disclose their financial performance and strategy to increase state revenues. Kings had to build huge war chests, I have to increase available cash and credit line to pursue more acquisitions. Kings chopped the heads of those who disagreed, I simply write a pink slip.

Serge being a sentimental guy, he likes to tour the world and have a good time. Me, I'd rather stay home crunching numbers.

So we agreed to crisscross the globe one more time, but we'll spend more time in U.S. cities where our newly acquired members from Stanley will build profitable growth. We need to be on the same page when it comes to expenses, and this is where my pen is mightier than the sword of the Kind of England. Yankees have this perspective of a French Canadian company where we enjoy the good life and have a very laid back approach. La joie de vivre, they say.

How little they know me.

Our annual tour is more like an annual crusade, where we restore financial control and HR discipline - German style - throughout the company. We inquire about why a particular business unit ranks below our financial objective, and if the explanations do not make sense - they rarely do - we sack the management team on the spot. Internally, we call this an Operation London Tower. If a business unit meets or exceeds the financial objectives, we congratulate them (briefly) and then we grill them on their plan to surpass themselves for the next fiscal year.

Now that you increased your revenues by 15%, you need to achieve 20% more next year. Cap your raises to 1%, yet maintain a turnover rate below 5%.

Sometimes, these bastards were just lucky with good market timing and they camouflage luck with their inflated capabilities, my sixth sense is quickly able to part bull from real talent. A market downturn is not an excuse to show lower revenues, only sissies would do that.

The key is not to have emotions. Those who do can't pursue profitable growth and are marred with difficult situations. Only by shedding all feelings from financial statements can one make an enlighten decision.

Members Column Day: Attitude and Career

Dear FakeMike, I’m a 45-years-old change management specialist and I’ve been posted on a deep-space assignment where the firm has literally no presence. This comes following a meeting with the head of my BU where I challenged the firm’s way of doing things. My client totally ignores my recommendations and they just let me rot on this 3-year contract, it’s a government agency so they don’t really care. The director ignores my requests to be relocated elsewhere. What should I do? Olivia from Boston

Dear Liv, I’m truly sorry to hear you suffer from social redraw syndrome but let me assure you that your contribution to the bottom line is not ignored and you will be rewarded accordingly. Let me check here, well you did not bring much this year, hey I see here that you’ll be getting a 1% increase this Christmas, you’re one lucky gal.

You complain about loneliness when you should be asking yourself the following question: what have you done to increase our presence at this client? How are working hard enough? Are you coasting through this gig just to rake salary or are you thinking about the firm? Maybe your lonely presence over there is the end result of a long career where your ego – not the firm – took center stage. Your VP noticed that you ignored profitable growth and you did not integrate the firm’s DNA into your way of doing things, and as a result you were sent in the corner of the class.

Government gigs are reserved for subpar consultants, I hope you know that don’t you?

Brown nosing is probably not your cup of tea, this might explain why you’re not a director at your somewhat advanced age. You know, your skills are worth nothing if you cannot schmooze with your business unit top brass. How often did you e-mail your bosses about brilliant idea to dramatically increase revenues while lowering expenses by 5% ? How much free time did you give your BU this year? Let me check PSA here... well, let me just say you did everything for being unnoticed.

This I think it your problem, you’re one selfish little brat. Let me call your VP, I’ll make sure you stay there for a loooong time sweetie. Get used to the gloomy faces working next to you. And don't even think about sending your resume to your contacts, you'll get njoyned real hard..

You have questions about your career in IT consulting? Send your thoughts at fake mike roach at gmail dot com.

This is so not going to happen

There’s an old saying (circa 100 AD) that people just want “bread and circuses”, which is a metaphor for a superficial means of appeasement. In the case of politics, the phrase is used to describe the creation of public approval, not through exemplary or excellent public service or public policy, but through the mere satisfaction of the immediate, shallow requirements of a populace.

It’s been my experience that such craving for amusement has been transposed in large corporations where employees seek parties, freebies and free lunches instead of working.

In order to provide some kind of satisfaction to hard-working members, we created this “Star Performer Award” thing to reward less-lazy members who performed adequately. I mean, it’s really symbolic and it’s similar to your 1st grade teacher putting a red star sticker in your workbook because you managed to answer all the questions. I thought this kind of ceremony would be sufficient and employees would itch to get back to work to meet their BU sales target. How wrong I was.

With our upcoming Annual Tour 2010, I received a large number of circus-related requests from apparently mentally stable members. You could not believe all the ridiculous e-mails I got.

We should do a Rock Band contest during the annual tour

There is this weird tendency among young people to transpose whatever they are doing in their living room to the office environment. First, it was children picture on their desk, next it was casual dress, and now it’s full-blown entertainment at work in 1080i. I don’t see the point of this activity, I mean it’s not like I will go on stage and perform a song in front of other employees. For one thing, Rock Band does not have any song from Roy Rogers. I checked. Secondly, a singing CEO is likely to send a negative message to tight-ass institutional shareholders who view this kind of behaviour as a strong SELL signal. I don’t see myself performing humiliation rituals unless you serve me EDS for 5 cents a share, in which case shareholders can sit on it and spin.

My name is Rakesh from India and we plan to do a more ambitious dance than last year

Please, please, don’t remind me of this painful experience, my senses still hurt and I can’t eat Indian food without thinking about this freak show. Here’s the deal, I will send you Power Donna this year, I’ll stay home playing Scrabble with myself and I’ll let you rock with a senior VP. She likes this stuff. For a free demo, check her here at 1:01. I think she could fly if you asked her to.

Roach out.

The Future

Last Friday I was sitting in my office with a cup of coffee and I was looking through the window. It was a cold, rainy day in Montreal, a fierce wind was blowing and people walked quickly in the streets below, hanging on their umbrella for fear of having a bad hair day. Delivery trucks were blocking the few available parking spots. Fast moving grey clouds were caressing the sky, a few fearless birds were attempting to fly through cross-winds. Cold rain sprayed the windows like German machine guns on Juno beach. The whole scene screamed October.

Since it was the last day of the week, it was easy to guess what was going through the people’s mind. I must submit my time sheet before I leave, if not my manager will yell at me. Or Did my boss really notice how hard I worked this week? Or even I wonder if anyone will notice if I leave at 4pm?

It’s sometimes funny to think that a hundred years from now none of this will matter. We’ll add be dead for one thing, unless that crazy guy in Albuquerque manages to clone me for the benefit of future generations. I’ll give him a call after this post.

Some of the trees down below will still be there, some others will have died from old age. All the cars – even the newest ones – will be rotting in a junk yard 25 years from now. Your performance reports will be deleted just like you will be. Everything here is of transient nature, and chances are members who will be walking these streets in 2110 will have no knowledge of those whose feet walked the same sidewalk a century earlier.

Not that it matters really, lessons of the past are largely ignored by everyone. People are so consumed by their materialistic needs and limited view of the world that wisdom is out of fashion. Who has time to read Twain anyway these days? Take a Gen Y person and offer him to choose between a lifetime of wisdom and a PlayStation, you can bet your shirt the world will run out of consoles by lunch.

Or go scan recent comments posted by your Facebook “friends” and you will realize how shallow and empty most people are. I’m so bored right now. The opposite would be a total surprise. I drank way too much last night, you should see my bathroom. Don’t take this the wrong way, but no thanks. I love Lady gaga so much. Slim Whitman, Hank Williams, anyone? I’m having Cheetos right now. Really, how were you able to get those?

This is why I devote my existence to building a corporation that will outlive its annoying members and its pesky shareholders, and profitable growth is the key to the future. Future members might be able to visualize holograms of our 2010 Annual Tour in vivid details, all available in the intranet assuming IE6 does not live through the 22nd century. They’ll remember fondly the cozy college-like atmosphere when CGI was under 500,000 employees. I expect an extreme version of SERA to jack into our member’s brain through a wireless interface so we can monitor billable time by the second. Ah, the future.

For now, hard rain is falling but climatic adversity is just an inspiration for me. Let’s get back to work.

Members Column Day: IT and Stock Photos

Dear FakeMike, why is that every IT consulting Web site shows up 3 or 4 sharply dressed professionals looking at a single laptop in a large room full of windows? This is so fake, the reality is that IT consultants work in dimly lit offices. If I raise my head above my current cubicle, I don’t even see a window. I’m not talking about IT women wearing short skirts, this fantasy can only be found in stock photo databases... Roberto from Saguenay

Dear geek boy, I’m sorry to hear you’re surrounded by poorly dressed colleagues in an equally poorly designed office space, but I have to admit every IT company uses this cheap marketing trick to lure young people into our industry.

I mean, if we showed real consultants in a typical office space, we would only be able to attract blind and/or mentally unstable staff and/or people who alter their view of reality by injecting themselves with home-made stuff, therefore limiting our ability to pursue profitable growth.

This is why for one thing we pick stock photos where people stand or sit in an executive lounge on the top floor of a prestige building. Noboby works there in reality, it’s the CEO pleasure room and sometimes new and existing clients are invited there so we can fucking impress them. We also invite a few hack actor/actresses so we can take a picture for a future web site, but it usually lasts less than an hour.

As for IT women and their dress code, you should consider the perverse effect of short tube-shaped garment on your focus at work. Do you really think you can achieve your full potential when your co-worker wardrobe can cause significant distractions and physiological impacts?

When you’re thinking about typical textiles covering the female thighs, you’re not thinking about profitable growth and the current quarter, and you’re definitely not thinking about what you have to do before 5pm.

So you should consider yourself a very lucky man to be surrounded by unattractive colleagues. And since you don’t see what happens outside the building, you can easily lose track of time and indulge yourself in long days. Is it already 11pm? Well I was able to lower my to-do list, it was a great day! I’m sure people at the firm will notice my productivity level!

Do no thank me.