Do people actually send gold to these suckers?

There are days when I'm wondering if working 80 hours a week is worth it. These guys probably do 10 times my salary. Maybe it's time I set a Foundation for Distressed Members where employees would send me their unwanted gold and I would pay them $10 an ounce (for 24K of course). Too many diamonds? A truckload of gold bracelets? Send everything to the company's bank account, that will boost our next earnings.

I don't know about you, but considering the deficits these days I'd rather have Gold4Dollars, not the opposite. But that is just me. Anyway.

The two gals at the very beginning sound so convincing that I should hire them as project managers. Anthony however looks like the kind of guy you'd expect in the waiting room at the parole officer's office.

Members Column Day: On intrapreneurship

FakeMike, it seems to me it would be highly beneficial for the company to breed real entrepreneuship. When you empower people to think on their own instead of following the rule book, big things can happen. Unfortunately, most corporations - CGI included - ignore this. Why do large corporations always put a cap on human spirit? Why is there this desire to alienate people? Felipe from Spain

Dear FFS, my experience at CGI and previously at Bell taught me that entrepreneurship can be a lethal disease when it spreads within the ranks of a well-managed and profitable corporation. Let's face it, entrepreneurs are not fond of rules and they have no respect for the status quo. These deviants tend to quit to start their own company and next thing you know they want to invade your sandbox, steal your clients and put you out on the streets.

I know, I know, our founding fathers did just that in 1976 but that was for a good cause, look at where we are today. Today's entrepreneurs are not the same breed, it was different and nobler back then. Men were real men, not just shadows of a Facebook profile.

A company is about order, rules, consistency, and yes status quo. Status quo should be cherished, it is much more polite than saying no, and it gives a subtle hint that the situation may change 500 years from now, so status quo gives hope. Status quo gives plenty of time to weight all options. This is why most serious businesses - including ours - run on XP and Explorer 6. Change is a devil in a slutty red velvet dress, it looks enticing at first but underneath that nice exterior is one ugly beast oozing problems.

Overpaid management consultants have invented this incredibly great idea called "intrapreneurship" where people operate like entrepreneurs within all the existing rigid rules and red tape and by respecting status quo.

This is all bull of course, but it allows us to capture the energy and time of a few naive individuals who fall for this idea. We first create a trap by stating that individuals who want to "invest themselves" in the corporation are welcomed, this usually triggers a few people - usually rookies with rosy ideas about career management - to knock on the door. We assign them an open-ended project with a vague scope, no management support and of course no budget. After a few months and a few dozen unpaid hours, the "intrapreneur" understands the gimmick and abandons. The project is then picked up by the next gullible junior and the process repeats itself.

To sum up my answer, empowerment is all about trouble and pain, a top-down approach is always preferable. If a business can disguise unpaid hours into empowerment, that's a direction one must favor if this initiative does not impact the status quo and improves the bottom line.

I'm buying one for every member

In case I accidentally forget to drop one in your stocking at Christmas, you can own your own Curly t-shirt here. Isn't it a beauty? When this bozo was elected with a strong majority in 2003, he had the opportunity to turn things around and avoid the chasm where we're heading at warp speed. He could have turned Quebec into a profitable growth nation. Did he? Apparently no. He covered his fat ass and shook hands with unions.

I know it may be a niche market, but I wonder if anyone has designed a t-shirt with the unforgettable smirk of Happy Raymond. Let me work on this.

On the bench? Think Kyrgyzstan!

Good news! Our company just won a lucrative 5-year contract to support the Kyrgyzstan Border Service against transnational threats!

That means we desperately need some voluntary folks to fulfill our duties to this former Soviet state, the 2nd poorest country of Central Asia. Don't worry, it's the safest place east of Montreal, I've been told the Kyrgyzstan's border is one cool place to hang out and those "transnational threats" are just one of those things. Rumors at best.

I'd love you fill you in about this project but I'm reviewing the list of members rotting on the bench and I'm selecting those who will participate on this 5-year mission. To explore strange new Turkish worlds, to seek out new earnings and profitable growth, to boldly bill where no one has gone before!

No security clearance is required but you will have to go through a short training program to handle automatic weapons. Don't worry, it's just there might be coyotes roaming during the night and adequate protection on your side will lower the turnover rate on the project.

Roach out.

The Master of Unprofitable Growth

Happy Raymond is still in denial or he's full of it, you decide. The Conference Board of Canada stated that unless drastic actions are taken now, Quebec will dig its financial grave by $45 billions CAD each year just 20 years from now. My take is that some smart people in Ottawa have started using their calculators and the numbers are so staggering that their HP 12c are smoking.

Our Grand Master of Financial Illusions pictured above was quick to react and deny everything saying his administration was working days and night to cut expenses. Pointing fingers is one sure sign that everything is under control. Er, like dude, you expect us to believe this shit? According to the latest polls, a mere 85% of the population is fed up with Curly's administration, corruptions rumors and questionable expenses are making the headlines everyday.

Just this morning we learned that the Ministry of Education paid a firm $50 000 over 2 years to water its plants. If you ever worked in a government cubicle, you know that the potted plants there can survive almost anything including the presence of Happy Raymond. Still, some wise crack over there with a college degree figured it was okay to fork $50K just to water plants.

Just for the sake of entertaining myself a bit, I faxed our Q4 results to Happy Raymond today with a note saying: Our company is a fucking money printing machine, your administration is sinking faster than the Lusitania. And then I drew a crude Buzz Lightyear on the cover sheet with a caption: To Infinite Growth and Beyond.

Needless to say, Happy Raymond did not call me back.

Dear members, if CGI could be a country if would be the most fantastic place on Earth. I'm working on it, it's part of The Plan. Don't say anything.

The workplace and the entertainment world

I was sitting in the porch last night, enjoying a Labatt Porter after an excellent pot roast, when my mind traced an interesting parallel between today's workplace and the entertainment business.

50 years ago, when you went to see a movie or buy a record, men were real men. Gene Kelley had grace. Sinatra had style. Miles had talent. Slim was the king. Same with gals. Andrews. Bergman. Gosh I love her.

Power up your large plasma screen tonight and analyze what you see. Lindsay going in and out of rehab. John & Kate showing their so-called misery to millions of brain dead viewers. Talent-free people singing off-key during prime time. And when you thought you'd hit the bottom of the barrel, you discover her.

Ladies & gentlemen, our world is being UPSed to hell. But you should not be learning anything at this point.

The parallel with the workplace creates a daunting perspective. 50 years ago the business environment was very different than what we see today. People had objectives. Ruthless tycoons were sweeping the world and pushing products and services to the marketplace in less time than it takes to finish a whiskey sour.

Today's business world is so complicated that J.P. Morgan would abandon the idea of building a nation-wide railroad system. Government would require to rubber-stamp every rail and nail before it is laid down. The idea of charcoal-driven locomotive would be shot down by environment fanatics with no college degree. J.P. would spend his days talking about Sarbox or PCI-DSS compliance instead of nailing down his competitors in the mud.

You don't believe me? Look at the time it took me to acquire Stanley, and ask yourself how long it would have taken someone during the Rockefeller-days.

People with no talent have infiltrated every sphere of our world. And talent-free individuals clog our way of living and doing business. 42% of all workers in Quebec are unionized. Eventually, the prevalence of morons should lead to the destruction of the world. Stupidity is not only tolerated, it is widely accepted as the gold standard.

While we cannot gear society in a different direction for the moment, we can structure our companies to take bosozity into account. If your company is like mine, you know you have very few A players, a bunch of B players and a truckload of F players.

Join me today on a crusade to grow talent at minimal cost. We badly need people with brains, but such endeavor must NOT impact our bottom line. Wall Street analysts do not check if your company has a lot of brain power, but they do check earnings.

Members Column Day : Interfacing with mere mortals

Dear FakeMike, I attended the CGI Annual Propaganda Tour a few times and it seems to me that upper management is more concerned with distributing a pre-packaged hollow speech than actually listening to what real “members” have to say. Membership has no privileges, really. When will management start to address real issues in this company? Stew from DC

Dear Dimwit, what you are witnessing is the wide intellectual chasm between upper management and sub-basement level employees. If you encounter a squirrel and try to explain quantum mechanics or 18th century poetry to the poor rodent, it would gaze at you in silence listening to your mumbo jumbo and hoping that this bulge in your pants is a bag of peanuts.

The annual tour brings a similar situation, we try to explain our strategic vision in very simple terms but we are acutely aware that the average intelligence level in the room is not able to grasp even the most basic principles behind our vast and elaborate thinking. Members hope there will be shrimps and free drinks at the end, so they listen to our speech patiently but their mind is in the buffet.

I mean, even if I explained you what The Plan is, you would not understand it. My mind has evolved into an advanced form where complex thoughts can be processed rapidly, and the downside of this amazing super power is that it is increasingly difficult for me to communicate with standard employees, even those empty shells acting as middle management. If I tried to tell you about The Plan, your mind would collapse from neurons over firing. You do not have enough processing power to grasp the intensity and depth of The Plan. Your IQ allows you to listen to shows like “Deal or No Deal”, but that’s how far your financial brain can go - and even then you don’t understand the probabilistic nature of the game.

As for your last sentence where you claim that management should address issues, maybe you should accept that there are no issues per se, just wrong perspectives. What you perceive as a problem is in fact a reality that you have a hard time processing. Upper management knows your brain has limited power, this is why we do not hold it against you. The annual tour is an attempt is package a very complex reality in small easy-to-process bites.

So I strongly encourage you to participate again in our annual tour, you will be reminded how great this company is, how lucky you are to live and breathe under our umbrella, that the future is paved with profitable bricks. And there might be shrimps.

Roach out.

Who asked for a raise?

Just in case you were hoping for a 4% raise this year, we just announced that we were looking to expand our Indian work force by 1,500 members. Yes, that's right. We're not increasing our workforce in Montreal because those crybabies always want more. Indian workers are just happy to work. This is what I call a "core competency", that is the ability to accomplish work without asking constantly for more benefits. India is geared toward profitable growth.

The average software engineer in Mumbai is about $8200. And those fat butts in Montreal go about $45 000, so you do the math.

By the way we are announcing our Q4 earnings on November 9th, and some good news are to be expected:

Analysts polled by Thomson Reuters expect CGI’s profits will increase 12 per cent to 30 cents per share, up from 27 cents a year ago. Revenues are expected to exceed $1 billion, up from $926 million in the fourth quarter of 2009.

One. Freaking. Billion. I'm wetting my pants.