Buckle up, the quants are in town

When I was a pubescent youth preaching at the Young Visicalc Enthusiast Club in Ontario, my favorite comic book was the Green Goblin. I know, I don't strike you as the kind of man who read funnies, but I was once a young boy like everyone else. The Goblin was a smart scientist and visionary, and although he had tacky accessories and a bad business plan but he managed to invent a serum that boosted his mental abilities beyond the average human. And considering how low the average joe scores, that serum must have been a piece of cake to invent.

I did try last year some experimental medication from a "consultant" scientist but it did not boost my mental abilities tenfold as printed in the brochure. It gave me a rash though.

So what I'm announcing today is a very humble thing for me to do, and to some extent it shows how human I am despite years of experience in micro-management.

I'm announcing today my decision to hire a team of quants to push the profitable growth models a notch higher, many notches in fact. It's a small team of underpaid mathematicians that I salvaged from an undisclosed Canadian university, but they are amazingly bright, they have no social life or access to social networks and ready to perform any task. Don't look them up in the company directory, they have an office with no Internet access.

Our acquisition of Stanley proved to be very complex from a spreadsheet point of view, and there are now too many variables to take into account when I want to squeeze money. For instance, should I stop reimbursing parking in the New York state because members use parking spaces that cost above what the DOT zombies consider "average parking cost"?

Or should we stop paying for soft drinks when there's a working lunch in the office, and if so how much this saving will snowball 10 years down the road considering the commodities market and expected hikes in soft drink pricing?

This is the kind of intellectual challenge that gives me goose bumps (plus other physiological effects I can't describe here), but I realize that quants will do a better job than me alone crunching numbers on my laptop.

So buckle up dear members, this is a new beginning.

What a way to start 2011

I bumped into one of my way-too-many VP this morning in the coffee room, he said he was interviewing a DBA with 10 years of experience who was interested in a position at CGI. Feeling full of energy - and wearing my favorite crossword-puzzle tie - I said I wanted to talk to this young fellow who I'm sure would be impressed to talk the CEO in person.

The guy was in his early 30s, had solid experience with Oracle and a bunch of other database-related technology. The resume looked good, meaning I could sell this guy with a fat margin to a client. But something wasn't right, and I could not pinpoint what it was. No, it was not body piercings.

I go, young man why do you want to work at CGI?

The guy goes, well it's a good company and it's making the headlines on a regular basis, new contracts, stock is up, I mean this is where I'd like to be.

I go, let me ask you a question junior, this is not your first job right? You are experienced, like Jimi used to say. What happened with your former employer?

The guy goes, name's Mitchell sir. My previous employer was a good one but my career was not going in the direction that I wanted to go. We are leaving in good terms.

I go, junior I hope I'm breaking any news to you, but you're not really managing your so-called career, I hope you know that by now right? A career is just a linear sequence of different tasks, and your employer is the one calling the shots. Anyway, what was your prior salary?

The guy says, I was making $55 000 and among my benefits I had...

Knowing where this loaded train of crap was heading, I cut short to the point and go, junior I'm offering you $50 000, and consider this a generous offer.

The guy goes, what, you're offering less than I was doing before?

I go, that's right young man, I'm not paying what the stupid market is paying, I always bid under the current price, therefore I lower my average member salary.

The guy goes, I'm worth more than 50K, I know what my skills are and if you're not willing to pay me at least $55K I'll just go elsewhere.

At that point an uncomfortable silence took place in the windowless meeting room. I just stared at the young candidate, computing how much earning he could provide me with until the end of the quarter.

After less than a minute, junior gave up. All right, $50K is a deal.

I go, let's settle for $48K then. HR will bring you the paperwork in the next 15 minutes and you'll be ready to start. You should be billable to a project within the next hour or - what's his name - Mr. VP here will take the loss personally. Right?

The VP was sweating like hell and the young DBA was livid, he goes, we had a deal for $50K, how come you're lowering your offer?

I stood up and pushed my chair. $47K, last offer.

I swear I could hear his blood pressure rising when he acknowledged. All right, all right, I get it. Where do I sign?

I gave a pat on the VP's stiff shoulder who was sitting next to me and probably mortified to hear my negotiation skills. You see, this is how we manage business here. Have a great day.

Next in line.

Let GIB Grow!

Dear members, with the spirit of Christmas upon us and your generous profit-sharing bonus under the tree, I thought it would be a great time to introduce a company-sponsored song so that CGI members across the world celebrate the end of a very profitable year. A couple of sourpusses will complain that this is a brain-washing technique used to assimilate the mind of less-experienced members. Those backward-thinking employees are tagged into our system and as a result they receive 25% less bonus than members who share our vision of profitable growth.

So on Christmas eve when everyone will be slightly buzzed from the effect of alcohol and with their guards down, go sing this song in front of everyone. Chances are, they'll call their broker to purchase some shares to put in their children's stockings.

Oh the market outside is frightful

But our members are so resourceful

And since they have no place to go

Let GIB Grow ! Let GIB grow! Let GIB grow!!

It doesn't show signs of stopping

And I've brought some charts for planning

The salaries are turned way down low

Let GIB Grow ! Let GIB grow! Let GIB grow!!

When our clients finally kiss goodbye

How I hate to inflict any harm

But if you continue to bill them tight

On the way to the bank I'll be warm

Other IT firms are slowly dying

And next year we will be buying

But as long as our earnings grow

Let GIB Grow ! Let GIB grow! Let GIB grow!!

See you in 2011. Drive safely, I need you to bill next year.

Do you see the light?

If Evil himself recently tempted you with a tantalizing job offer and vague promises of a better future outside the realm of GIB.TO, it's time to refocus on your core values and re-read the Gospel of Serge. Thou shall bill 40 hours a week and be happy about it. Or Thou shall not send your embellished resume to competitors.

Our founding father gave a passionate speech titled "Built to grow and last" on Dec. 14 at the Chateau Frontenac in Quebec City, and it you had your share of doubts this speech would have restored your faith in CGI and its values. Serge is hyper-active these days, he'd been aloof for a while but it's like the the Stanley acquisition has put new lithium batteries and a 6-pack of Full Throttle in him. He's on a mission for profitable growth and he's unstoppable.

I could not attend this specific speech, but when I do I always enjoy standing in the dark and watch people's face as they read Serge's PowerPoint slides. There is always a fair share of clueless veggies at those meetings who are just there to show their asses and pretend they are on top on business, you know who they are. They quote Gartner Group. They like to attend $5000 seminars aimed at "decision makers" where a self-proclaimed luminary tells rosy stories about the future of technology 10 years from now. If you're sitting next to them, they show you their iPad and first thing they demo you is a stupid game. You know, these guys. They talk all the time. They never decided for anything in their lives. Them.

But there are a few individuals who react like 1977 geeks who saw Star Wars for the very first time. Whoa, dude. A feeling of aw and wonder, they beam with a youthful enthusiasm as they suddenly realize they can outsource their entire IT department to us and focus on their core business processes.

We'll get rid of all our IT dorks for the next 10 years, this is what I've been waiting for, I'll outsource all these fucking douche bags to and we'll clear the entire floor. It'll cost a fortune but I don't care I can build a business case with any shit. I'll then be able to manoeuvre and put forth my political agenda.

Please note dear members, the $67.73 ticket price for Serge's speech CANNOT be put on your expense report, if you do your director will whack you. If your director approves this expense he'll get whacked by me in person, and trust me the last thing you want as a director is an e-mail from me. I don't speak directly to employees at such a low level unless it's for giving them hell and instructions to pack their things.

Wait a minute.

Sorry, I've just been told that this lunch invitation was for new and existing clients with whom we want to deepen and expand our relationship. Real deep. It was not for members.

Now get back to work.

Member's Column Day: More Rants

CGI is the only company I worked for where I actually lost benefits and money with time. Every quarter we loose something. We lost internet at home, our week went from 37.5 to 40 hours, that a 6.6% drop. Then we lost all the overtime, we still work on call at night but its not paid anymore. All the while you are bombarded by emails asking you to give to centraide and shit so CGI looks good. CGI was good 10 years ago, now its full of blood sucking pencil pushers. Forget about working your way through the ranks, new employees hired externally make more than the ones promoted from within. The only good thing is CGI looks good on a resume, like McDonald's. The yearly evaluation is a joke, they drown you in paperwork until you give up. Do your time and always keep an eye out for a better job. CGI does not care for its employees at all.

Dear member from Montreal, your plea comes at a time when I believe I should have been much more demanding from you guys in the past. I think I had a wake up call about 18 months ago when I was going through a large stack of expense reports. Instead of thinking CGI was paying for your expenses, I imagined for a few minutes that everything was coming out of my own wallet, not the company account.

I freaked out.

I'm paying for you to be at home drinking beer, watching football and banging your significant other? Being on call does not mean you ACTUALLY work. If you get a call in the middle of the night because the fucking server is down, this is probably your fault in the first place. You should have double checked everything, because when you do the phone does not ring at 2 am. It's called peace of mind, buddy.

I'm paying for your Internet AT HOME so you can download music and movies illegally? Or chat with your friends and entertain discussions that are not in line with the company objectives?

I'm paying for YOUR overtime when MINE is not paid? C'mon!

I had to breathe in paper bag for a few minutes to calm down.

I then realized this company was WAY too generous toward its members, and although membership has its privileges, the financial situation dictated that I take strong actions in the next year to improve our bottom line. We raised the workweek across the board and that had a direct positive impact on your quarterly filings.

The thing is, you ain't see nothing yet. 2011 will be hell. I feel like a Charles Bronson character, except I'm a financial vigilante looking for balance sheet justice, out to shoot unnecessary expenses.

I'm going out for some ice cream, make sure your expense report is in order before submitting it.

Creating the biggest wiener factory

I feel it is important dear member that I share with you some of my bold plans for the future of this company. Just a glimpse, as The Plan requires a minimum IQ of 170 for a basic understanding, and HR tells me that no one scores that high.

You must understand that, very much like other fields, size do matter. Size is more important than quality because our world is based on numbers and quality is one very hard aspect to attach metrics to. Hygrade understands this very well, you don't want to know what kind of meat goes into the wiener, but you want to make sure you buy them when they are on sale. It's the same with humans.

My plan is to double the size of the company within the next 5 years, increase our earnings threefold and to lower CPM (Cost Per Member) by 15%. I want to manufacture a lot more wieners but the TCO of a 12-pack must be dirt cheap so I can make a fat profit on bulk sales. Consultants are to customers what wieners are to buns, and ketchup is like overhead. Since it is an expensive condiment we make sure that only one bag is provided.

Once you understand the inescapable logic and sheer beauty of profitable growth, you should not be surprised to read rants such as this one on RateMyEmployer.ca:

I saw enough of that place to know that I had to get out if I wanted to get anywhere. I left CGI for a 12% salary increase, better benefits, and I have since gotten another 3% increase recently.

If you work for CGI and it is around August/September, be concerned if you are not billable. You could be on the street joining the ranks of the unemployed. Of course make-work projects are created for some friends on the bench. Another technique that is used is creative reporting for projects because CGI strives for a "green" environment when it comes to projects.

In the GTA office on certain high floors, if you have friends in senior or lower management, you can get places. Especially if you were all from a team that now runs the show. Of course this is at the expense of other hard working employees... It is not what you know but who you know and who are your friends. A manager friend will guide on how to decorate your annual review so that you can "promote" yourself and so that he can promote you. There are other things... Does HR know of this....hmmmmm.... probably not.

This poor crybaby from GTA surely hasn't take some time to read our latest Q4 results. If he had, he would understand that his tiny personal sacrifice is essential to the meteoric growth of this company and anyone criticizing upper management should be accused of high treason and sent COD to the Tower of London (or Detroit, whatever location is closest).

As a member and shareholder, the GTA whiner is ridding the best Canadian stock on the TSX. But Mr. Nitwit here is only concerned with this own and short term benefit, he does not give a shiitake about the company that feeds him. He probably wants to purchase a new plasma screen to replace the one he bought 2 years ago. I'll make sure his annual review shows an appropriate scorecard under "Personal Attachment To The Company".

I've been told the Tower of London is for sale, is this true?

$3.1B Deficit = Good News

I can't resist to poke fun at easy targets like Happy Raymond, he reminds me of a kid in high school who thought communism was the solution to all problems. We challenged him for the fun of listening to his incoherent speech and obscure references to early 20th century Russia, and then we threw a paperback copy of Animal Farm in his backpack.

The Grand Master of Smoke & Mirrors was proud to announce yesterday that the 2009-2010 deficit is only $3.1B instead of the earlier $4.2B forecast. Man, that is excellent news, I feel much better. But wait a minute, how can your forecasts be off by $1.1B? When Wall Street guesses our earnings, there are not off by 9 or 10 figures, don't they?

Happy Raymond has an answer for everything, that's what makes him a so talented politician. "The economy growth was much stronger than expected" he said. That was easy! So when Quebec's deficit will dip a billion south of forecasts, Joyful Raymond will answer "The economy proved to be weaker than expected".

Do you realize now that any smiling retard with a union background can act as Finance Minister in this province?

Now the good part. The debt will go from $163B in 2010 to close to $200B in 2014-15, and this beloved administration has raised its burn rate by a whopping 5.2% this year alone! That's like sinking at warp speed. Or bleeding 2 gallons of blood a second. Blissful Raymond was quick to provide a thorough analysis. It is a serious situation. Thanks Ray, it's good to know you have things under control.

I'm calling a few buddies over at Moody's and S&P, it's time for the circus to end and close the curtain. If anyone can convince these guys to lower the credit rate of Quebec and stop the ongoing party, it's me.

Roach out.