Death of the DouchePad

One of the finest pleasure I experience in the workplace is to witness early adopters of immature technology. They behave like kids, my therapist would say there's a transference process between the device and the owner.

When these bozos buy the latest gadget, they quickly tour the office and demo whatever crap they bought to showcase how forward-thinking they are compared to other CGI members. They won't hesitate to pay $500 with after-tax money on some piece of electronic that won't improve their personal productivity, won't help them get laid and definitely won't bring any new revenues to the corporation. When asked about how great their new gizmo is, they invariably look upward and claim that 10 years from now whatever thing they just acquired will be common yet much more powerful and will help solve all kinds of tough problems like world hunger and socialism.

Such scenes are irritating, because these assholes keep bugging you and you loose precious billable minutes to listen to something so irrelevant you have to excuse yourself to go to the bathroom to break the conversation.

The fun part though, is witnessing that same early adopter deflate slowly and painfully when "their" technology is discarded by the market.

Case in point, HP killed the TouchPad less than 2 months after its introduction and more or less announced the death of webOS, the "fantastic" technology they got from Palm. It's an epic fail, what was HP's board of directors doing all this time? Check this out, you don't want these guys sitting on YOUR board, they'll steer your company into a major ditch.

Any meth-smoking dropout living on the street would have told you the Palm acquisition and the release of the TouchPad was doomed to fail since from a strategic standpoint the product had the same price and no real benefits compared to the market leader the iPad.

Following the press release, on-line retailers started a "fire sale" to get rid of uncool TouchPads at a 80% discount.

So back to our gizmo luminaries, this was a major blow to their ego and on Monday they were acting as if their spouse had dumped them over the week-end. Long face all over, the gadget that acted a social enhancer the previous week is hidden during meetings, since owners do not want to face questions such as Oh yeah, that was the device that got axed last Friday, how does that make you feel now? How much did you pay? How about future upgrades?

Dear members, this is yet another proof that you work for the best company in the world. Since we don't invest money in - just saying the word is painful to me - R&D, you are secured from the pest of hardware and software development. Others put the shareholder's money at stake in risky ventures, and we - the service people - just harvest the mature technologies that our ultra-conservative clients pick.

If you want to impress folks in a meeting, don't use a fucking DouchePad to express your thoughts in less than 140 characters. Get your HP 12c out of your jacket and crunch numbers in RPN, that will definitely grab my attention in a positive fashion.

Pardon my French

One reader was kind enough to remind me of this priceless quote from Happy Raymond and included the link above.

As we're watching Greece, the U.S. and other deficit-prone countries spiral toward their financial death, it's comforting to remind ourselves that Curly and his financially-challenged ministers are in the driver's seat.

Ain't got no place to lay your head

Government creditors came and took your bed

Don't worry, be happy

Standard & Poors say your rent is late

They may have to litigate

Don't worry, be happy

Member's Column Day: Cheer me up

Dear FakeMike, I'm back on the job after a 3-week vacation and I'm feeling awfully depressed here in my non-descript cubicle using my underpowered PC. My whole job is so pointless. The client hates us yet he gives the firm a 2-year contract to do what his own employees are unable to do. Can you cheer me up? Christian from Montreal.

Dear Phil, look at it this way. You could be crushed on your way home by a concrete block on a tunnel because the government has ignored for the past 30 years that infrastructures require maintenance. Best case, you die instantly in your rusty Corolla. Worst case, you live but are permanently disabled and you spend the rest of your life watching reality shows and infomercials while chewing your pain medication.

It can always be worse.

You had a 3-week vacation? Who authorized this? I'm spending my summer at the office plotting our path to profitable growth until 2050 and you fucking complain to me that you are feeling kinda blue after 21 days of non-billable time? Maybe I should hit your fat butt with my latest Callaway club, that would wake you up.

I'm sorry, short temper here, I'm breathing slowly now. I loosen my grip around your virtual neck because I am a nice guy. Well that's what my therapist told me to do, he must be right, eh?

I know how you must be feeling, you checked in this morning and felt like you didn't belong in this world because your IT job is so meaningless you have a hard time explaining to your non-IT relatives what you do for a living. You check your e-mails every few minutes hoping something exciting comes along, but all you get is reminders that your time sheets has not been submitted yet.

You then check your watch, hoping that lunch time will be more interesting that the crap that awaits you in your inbox.

You daydream about your next week-end.

You pick up your iPhone and shop for a vintage motorcycle because unlike your PC it's not blocked by BlueCoat. You can't afford anything but shopping for toys is less boring that what the client expects you to perform. Or you surf IMDB for trivial information about obscure TV shows that you enjoyed in the 80's.

You call a few friends and gossip about things, you partially feel alive when you talk to some real people, not the drones working next to you.

Then lunchtime comes and you have produce nothing yet the time was billable. You meet some other unproductive friends at White Castle and you wolf down a couple of sliders and complain to each other about how bored to death you are.

You then spend your afternoon faking work, going 5 times to the men's room to play Angry Birds and using your iPhone extensively even though you topped your bandwidth for the month. And yes, all your apps are up-to-date, that didn't change from earlier today.

If this is an accurate portrait of your typical day, then rest assured dear member this is very typical of all IT workers.

I hope I cheered you up. Now get back to work and do what you're told.

Born to be mild

I find it hard not to call HR every day and remind them that the key to a stable workforce is to attract people with low ambitions. Don't get me wrong, success comes hardworking smart people, I'm not talking about hiring low-watt people with the IQ of a toothbrush here.

Having said that, there's a fine line between being smart and being obnoxious, and from my experience it's important to apply a fine filter during interviews to screen out potential pains-in-the-butt.

Let me give you an example, I was interviewing a guy in his 20's this morning for an internal position. He had a piercing over his left eyebrow, and the stone reflected the sun coming from the window in such a way that I was hosed by a rainbow of photons as he tilted his head. 10 degrees left, the spectrum shifted from red to yellow. Very distracting, I wondered what kind of psychological problems pushed him to perforate his eyebrow. His personal issues - although probably manageable for now - might lead to long term disabilities and heavy medication, 10 years down the road, something I'm not willing to pay.

And then my mind drifted to what might be the cost of this piercing, and how this money could have been used to buy a few shares of GIB.TO. Like I said, it was distracting.

Despite his fringe appearance, this Gen Y had a solid resume full of obscure technologies that I don't jack about but for which customers are wiling to pay a premium.

The interview was going well when I tossed the question "Where do you see yourself 10 years from now?" Usually people freak out or they answer a great line of bullshit where they hope to contribute to even greater projects and have more "fun" doing it. Like if.

The guy hesitated from a mere second before answering "Well you know I'd like to be CEO someday when you'll retire, I really see myself in your position. Being autocratic is one sure to score in life, isn't it?"

HR told me later that day that I had voided the warranty of the document shredder in the room since I had used it for a purpose fundamentally different from the one it was designed for. And it could obviously not be repaired. Oh, well.

Point is, you want to hire mild-mannered yet brilliant people who are so afraid of climbing the corporate ladder that they experience real physiological vertigo when you talk about "increased responsibilities". Those candidates should be convinced that the glass ceiling is so thick that it would take a handful of lifetimes and nuclear devices to get through it. With enough bureaucratic defence in place, people will start working instead of dreaming of a sunny future with a corner office and a bombshell admin.

People with immoderate ambitions are bound to fragment their focus, therefore lowering their productivity which is bad. When an employee think about his career, he's not thinking about how to solve deep IT infrastructure problems, therefore he's not contributing to profitable growth, and therefore he's not worthy. And those who are not worthy well we all know how they end.

Are you worthy? Then get back to work now.

If Buffett's having a million-dollar lunch, so am I

I had a crazy idea this morning that got me so excited that I almost sang "We're in the money" in my shower. I hate those days, and let me tell you why.

My idea of a perfect working day is stability, predictability and the pleasantly feeling that CGI is on the rising slope to financial greatness. I hate ups and downs, because you loose precious energy negotiating all the sharp turns. Let me give you an example.

If you start your working day all giddy up and totally sure to receive a $5000 bonus from your director at lunchtime, you're bound for deception as you learn you were given a generous $2000. Especially if you drop by that expensive audio store on the way to lunch where you go for discretionary illogical spendings.

If you were heading for lunch hoping to get $1900 and you get $2000, then you get back to work on a positive note looking to build more profitable growth for the company. It's all about managing expectations.

I had this crazy idea this morning as I was going through my bowl of Corn Flakes that I could set up a business lunch in Buffett's fashion and make people pay lump sums of hard cash to hear my wisdom. If Warren can do it, well why not yours truly? This money would of course be fedexed to our corporate account to boost our next earnings. And I could repeat this eat-a-sandwich-for-a-million-with-me every quarter, I'm sure financial analysts would be impressed.

It would be a very frugal lunch of course, something from the deli across the street with tap water. Who wants a 5-martini lunch anyway, any advice you'll be given will be totally forgotten by the time to excuse yourself for a long pause at the men's room, and I'm not picking your dry cleaning bill afterward.

By 10:00am I was sure I had the greatest idea since Serge created this company.

By 10:04am I realized that this idea was deeply flawed and my excitement crashed like a greek governance bank account.

Profitable growth is wisdom that you can share with the public at a superficial level. People know what you're up to, but they don't quite know the secret to get there. It's like the Caramilk thing. So having an unknown party for lunch and opening my kimono on secret internal strategies to build profitable growth… well it would be faster to wire money to our competitors, wouldn't it?

By 10:15 I was so depressed by my own stupidity that I read a couple of 10-Qs from last financial year to try to cheer me up. Since that didn't do, I crashed into my CFO's office and grilled him on a couple of topics. Even that didn't do.

So it was a bad day. Shame on me for thinking so foolishly.

Do as I say, don't do as I do

This kind of bogus wishful thinking lights a fire under my profitable butt. The Financial Post had this to say about Curly's administration:

The Quebec government, desperate to head off a looming collapse of household finances when interest rates rise, has tabled a bill that would force credit card holders to boost their monthly payments and settle their debts faster.

When you read this at a first level, this all makes fucking perfect sense, don't it? Let's spin the table 180 degrees for a second and let's re-write the sentence the other way around, let's see:

The Quebec citizens, desperate to head off a looming collapse of government finances when interest rates rise, has tabled a bill that would force the Quebec government to boost their monthly payments and settle its debt faster.

It's like Keith Richards in 1977 exiting a smoke-filled trailer filled with giggling chicks asking you to drop booze and drugs to live a healthier life with broccoli and running a 5K. Dude, c'mon.

When I hear things like "overconsumption", I don't think about this guy who buys a 60" plasma a 10-pound pickle jar at Costco, I am thinking about government creating new agencies of dubious use staffed with hundreds if not thousands of unionized-with-lifelong-retirement-package. This my friends is overconsumption of public funds, and eventually it will shatter the fabric of the universe and create a wormhole that will swallow the entire civilization. 2008 was just a quick dry run.

Let's continue reading shall we:

There has been a persistent unease among Canada’s economic and political leaders over the past year about the level of indebtedness of Canadian households.

Let's swivel the table one more time, it's so fun:

There has been a persistent unease among Canada’s taxpayers over the past year about the level of indebtedness at the federal, provincial and municipal level.

I e-mailed this article with a few reversed-sentences like this to my dear friend Happy Raymond who's the financial Houdini of Quebec.

Raymond was quick to reply with a note that says "Everything is under control". Probably an automated response message.

This cancer has attacked not just this location, but elsewhere too. U.S. Treasury bonds are not worth the electronic text on which they are written

Investors who have been betting on Treasuries are destined "to get cooked like frogs in an increasingly hot pot of water," the well-known bond bear told attendees at a Morningstar Investment conference in Chicago.

Bill Gross, who manages the $235 billion Pimco Total Return Fund (PTTAX), said real interest rates, which remove the effect of inflation to measure the actual yield an investor receives, have fallen into negative territory. He pointed out that Treasury inflation-protected securities with a maturity of 5 years are trading at a yield of -0.5%

What's your credit score, Raymond?

Let me get back to building wealth.

I beg to differ

I am laughing all the way to the bank when I post my quarterly earnings, and even my banker grins from seeing my very rational exuberance. Don't worry dear members, your CEO is not about to derail and launch of series of unprofitable initiatives to satisfy some personal urge.

Groupon's founder Andrew Mason opens the filing with a letter addressed to "potential stockholders" sharing his business philosophy: "Life is too short to be a boring company."

Note to Mason: Take it from a seasoned CEO, stockholders are interested in return on investments, they don't give a fuck if you manufacture toilet seats for small dogs or develop hot games for the PlayStation. Your company may be boring, but if individual stockholders and institutional investors are happy then there is no boredom whatsoever.

Writing about the roller-coaster ride his company has been on since launching three years ago, Mason warns that Groupon's path will have "twists and turns, moments of brilliance and other moments of sheer stupidity." The company may make financial sacrifices in pursuit of "ambitious bets on our future that distract us from our current business."

I'm sure institutional investors will be thrilled to learn that the Groupon's CEO is looking forward to a bipolar-style of management and to moments of sheer stupidity and that he will actively work to distract itself from its core business. I can imagine the discussion:

Retirement fund manager: Johnson, have you heard about the latest's stunt at Groupon?

Johnson: no sir, what's happening, is Mr. Mason is on path to hand-kill animals just like Mr. Zuckerberg is doing?

Retirement fund manager: He just blew $500 million dollar to build a hanger-size freezer to rebuild the polar cap. Johnson, do you think we should invest our hard-won retiree pension money in Groupon? Should we speculate on this opportunity?

Johnson: I'd invest our stash of money in CGI, stellar earnings, low P/E, conservative management and the founder is still on board. CEO says he's looking to expand and deepen relationships with new and existing customers, whatever that means.

Retirement fund manager: Go ahead, buy a couple of millions shares.

Dear members, if you think for a second about sending your resume to Mr. Mason, think about the upcoming scar in your resume. Groupon is the next Webvan. Or the next Pets.com if you wish. Great expectations, but they are the latest fad and they will vanish a couple of years from now. Remember Pointcast and Marimba?