Send in the clowns, all six of them

With the upcoming federal election I decided to use some of my time to monitor all the bozos who claim they have the vision to run a country like Canada.

The current line-up is particularly appalling, to be polite.  It's like being forced to purchase a car and having to pick between a '86 Aries K, a '88 Pony and a '87 Cavalier, none of them roadworthy.  It's like, you pick a car, whatever which one you choose you know you will end up in a ditch, you just don't know what permanent damage you will suffer.    

Seeing Trudeau-the-Younger in the newspapers is a source of profound dismay. His IQ is so low he is not even aware of his own deficiencies.  MiniTrudeau has carved a deficit so deep that 22nd century Canadian history books will dedicate a whole chapter on his moronic administration, complete with a collage of every time he cried in public.

I'm sure the English lexicon will need to come up with new number names to quantity the black hole he is creating as we speak. I propose a trudeaullion, 10 minus 128.  Even my beloved HP 12c is giving me an error message as I try to compute Canada's deficit, that should tell you something.

So sad, so bleak.

Appliances & Social Unrest

My chauffeur was taking me down to CGI headquarter from a quarterly board meeting - a true delight that I have been waiting for.  Tony opened up the radio as we were stuck in trafic - another Montreal classic deficiency - when I heard something odd in the car speakers.

Down in the street there is violence
And a lots of work to be done
No place to hang out our washing
And I can't blame all on the sun, oh no

This is intriguing, the singer first observes that the social fabric of his neighbourhood is going down the drain and actions need to be taken.  Next, he seems to have a laundry issue of some sort, which may related or not to previously mentioned social unrest.  Then the singer attempts to find the cause of his bed linen problems on the sun, only to conclude that it is not the only cause.

We gonna rock down to Electric Avenue
And then we'll take it higher
Oh we gonna rock down to Electric Avenue
And then we'll take it higher

His hands are full with dirty underwear and then he plans to take it to an avenue that has a utility coverage.  Which is smart in a way, because washing machines requires electricity.

What is confusing is that he said that he wants to take it higher.  Does he mean a couple of blocks north?  Does he plan to walk there with his washing machine strapped on his back?  Nonsense.

Workin' so hard like a soldier
Can't afford a thing on TV
Deep in my heart I'm a warrior
Can't get food for them kid, good God

Singer then says he fully bills his client, which is music to my ears.  He then proceed to complain - again - this time about some junk he probably saw on a late-night infomercial.  Sham wow, anyone?  The singer then identify himself with some kind of medieval military staff.  Look pal, I'm sure real warriors take care of their appliances before hitting battlefield, the last thing you want on your mind when you slice open your enemy is why the dryer does not beep at the end of the cycle.

If his plate was not full enough with street violence, wet socks and compulsive buying problems, the singer informs us that despite working full time he is not able to feed his children.

Who is to blame in one country
Never can get to the one
Dealin' in multiplication
And they still can't feed everyone, oh no

Confusion and rambling, this is what this song is about.  Instead of laying out his personal deficiencies in lyrics, the singer should pay attention to the horizon line, keep his path uncluttered, tune out unnecessary noise (especially noise coming from his washer/dryer) and guard his precious time.  Money will then take root and thrive, and his then kids will be so full with Cheerios.        

Retirement - Part I

Hi folks, it’s been almost 4 years since we talked!  I know, I should be acting like a retired CEO, play golf with my buddies and learn non-productive skills like oil painting, wood working or snowblower maintenance.

The thing is, ever since Georgie has been nominated CEO at CGI in 2016 I’ve been working triple shifts as a board director to ensure that the Greatest Corporation on Earth is heading in the right direction.

Today I can reassure members, CGI is here to stay.  We have a great team in place, profitable growth has been ingrained into our DNA and members in India are still dancing to showcase their love for our stock price.

I have to confess that free time started popping in my agenda recently, at first I thought it was a mistake and that my assistant Natalie was suffering from Attention Deficit Disorder.  She argued her case, no Mr. Roach, your schedule is clear all afternoon.

How can that be?  No press conference to announce an acquisition?  No internal review committee?  Maybe I could drop by a hiring process to ensure that candidates have a deep knowledge of our current and future customers?  I am sure Shindler needs me to analyze the quarterly reports, right?

No, she said raising both eyebrows, there is really nothing.  I am sorry, she said.

I felt a knot in my throat, cold sweat ran down my spine, my watch felt suddenly heavy.  Nothing?  I went back to my office and stared at the Montreal skyline for a minute or so.  My mind struggled to accept the void, the unbearable absence of urgent things to do.  I opened my laptop to watch how GIB.TO was doing that day, it was a fun but quick distraction.

I popped into Georgie’s office in hope that I would be urgently required for strategic brainstorming, alas he was not there.  I opened some of the folders on his desk, secretly wishing I could find some nugget to chew on, but everything was in order.

Gasp.  

Going off the rail

Poor Phil, it seems that the once rock-solid neurosurgeon is now floating in hyper-space looking for his place in history.  This picture says it all, unfocused gaze, almost hallucinating and dreaming of electric sheep.  Curly also suffered from this syndrome, although Phil has more acute symptoms.

Phil The First has now the following mindset: the poorest province of Canada should rival the richest state of the U.S.  While attending a panel in France on electric vehicles, Phil 1st had a striking vision, one so powerful that he almost soiled himself.  Zero-emission vehicles will a requirement in Pothole Country, like California.

I know how this guy is thinking.  In his dreams Hydro-Québec will replace Shell, Irving and Petro-Canada as everyone will be forced to use electric cars.  If you want a gasoline car in 2020 in Quebec, Carlos will force a 300% tax upon you because your behaviour is not Earth-friendly.  State-owned charging stations everywhere with the HydroQ logo, I can picture government workers being paid 75K a year to charge your car.  Self-serve?  Forget about it, unions will take care of this.

In a not so distant past, doctors would use electricity to a different purpose when you were acting all weird like this...

Santa is so not coming to town

I’m being torn sometimes when I hear holiday music over the radio, which rarely happens since I ask my chauffeur to tune in to CNBC on Sirius XM when I need to deeply relax after a day at work.  Hearing Jim Kramer ranting about some stock soothes my nerves.  Some people enjoy Japanese meditation music, me I like hearing a Wall Street junkie go overboard about some apparently hot stock.

But I digress, holiday music brings into focus a fictional character who goes by the name of Santa Claus.  Mr. Claus has a strange business model that even as a kid I had a hard time grasping.  This guys runs an operation that is - by all accounts - fairly large since he serves customers all over the world.  Yet, Santa does not report any revenues whatsoever, does not file a 10-K and does not have any shareholders that I know of.  Distributing toys for free all over the world must be terribly expensive, I cannot wrap my mind on all the operating charges that Santa must have.

When I have 5 I recall saying to my mom that I suspected Santa was a socialist who was fond of the work of Karl Marx.  I had estimated his balance sheet for the upcoming Christmas using my Crayola set and it was bleeding red ink.

Today I suspect that Santa runs a non-profit organization funded entirely by the Quebec government who is so keen to throw money everywhere without any hope of ROI.  I called Carlos Leitao the other day and he did not deny or acknowledge my hypothesis, he was rather uncomfortable discussing the topic I could tell.  The truth is out there, I told him, one day or another this guy will make the headlines.

“Should Santa Claus generate any revenue in Quebec he will be taxed as a corporation” said Carlos in his well-known neutral tone.

“So Santa exists?”

“The existence of a corporation is handled by the Registraires des entreprises, you can look it up on the Internet”.  Carlos is so by-the-book it is painful sometimes.

“Am I as a taxpayer paying for Santa’s worldwide operations, Carlos, tell me the truth.”

“It is a complex question, Mr. Roach.  I would be more than happy to let you talk with one of my people who handles non-profil organizations.”

This bureaucrat was hard to corner, dealing with Raymond Bachand was a different ball game.  So I went straight to his guts, Rocky-style fashion.

“Carlos, does Santa require a permit in Quebec to distribute free toys, what form does he have to fill, is there an annual fee for Santa to pay, does his sleigh requires a licence plate from the SAAQ, does he have a GST/QST number, is there a Quebec-specific tax for jolly old fellows, tell me now”

Carlos was flabbergasted to say the least, he first assured me that Santa was compliant with Quebec legislation.  “This is a delicate situation, and we are not taking it lightly.  We increased the Toy Distribution Sales Tax from 5% to 9% this year hoping to generate additional revenues.  However Santa told us that Quebec would be excluded from his 2015 world tour, doing business here is now impossible or let’s just say too difficult for the time being.  We talked about increasing the tax more slowly instead of a sharp increase but Mr. Claus says his decision was final.”

I took a stern tone.  “So Santa will do BC, Alberta, Ontario, the Maritimes but his sleigh will just jump over Quebec for fiscal reasons, is that what are you saying Carlos?”

“This is a business decision on his end.  I talked with the prime minister about this but you know how Mr. Couillard is acting these days, if it is not an environment-friendly project he just throws a tantrum.  So maybe Christmas will be back in 2016, do not despair.  Santa has been made aware of our negotiations with public workers, most of them are on his naughty list anyway.”

“You killed Christmas, you know that Carlos?”

“Let’s just say we are trying to balance the budget the best we can.  Now I need to go, I have meeting with my directors to discuss new taxes for 2017.  Happy Christmas to you, Michael.”

That’s it, you learned it from me.  There will not be a Christmas this year, thanks to the vicious tax legislation of Carlos the Banditos.

Couillard predicts the future and then some

I know it's been a while, a long hiatus even more an active guy like me.  But the truth is, and it hurts my humble ego to write these words, I told you so.  The world is being fedexed to hell, probably COD.

Prime Minister Couillard who suffers from delusion and folie des grandeurs like all politicians can now add "Predictor of Things to Come" in his LinkedIn profile.  Phil traveled to Paris apparently without his medication but with Quebec's check book, and generously gave 25 million dollars to other French-speaking nations so they can lower their emissions.  Like, Nigeria? Or maybe another corrupted dictatorship in Africa?  They have gas-powered scooters and Land Rovers, right?  Therefore they release toxic emission.  So let's send them a fat check and that will fix the problem by 2050.  Yes, monsieur Couillard, send us the money, says the environment minister of Nigeria who usually prefers Western Union for all things official.

Spending the taxpayer dollar to get a hug from Al Gore is one thing, but this week-end our beloved Phil claimed that natural gas will be a thing of the past by 2050.  Why?  Because they are bad, that's it.  A friend of mine who is over there told me that his futuristic statement raised a few eyebrows in the crowd.  During the 7-course meal afterward, I've been told that Couillard the First said even more bold statements, like Quebec will outlaw the use of regular light bulbs in 2018, the use of wood-fire stoves will be a criminal offense soon and so much more.  "A garbage truck is so 20th century" he told an AFP journalist.  "Quebec will be the first nation to force its citizen to compost everything, the world will be green with envy" he said laughing at his own joke.  "What about canned food, how do you turn metal into compost?" asked a twenty-something French journalist.  "People need to re-think how they purchase food, you have a point.  Quebec will prohibit canned food by 2019.  Yeah, that's right.  This is a great idea, this is my idea.  And I will ask Carlos to come up with a tax on canned food next year, this is even better."

Then Phil pursued an intense conversation with himself, even ignoring a tap on his shoulder from Al Gore.

Friends, I told you we were on the brink of disaster when Curly was in charge of the province.  Now we are merging with disaster.  Strap your seat belts.

Bachand explains how the universe will collapse before the next election

The King of Creative Accounting is seen here as he explains that the universe will eventually collapse into a sphere the size of a melon, at which point fundamental particles will break down and everything will turn into a warm bowl of quarks.  Raymond was quick to demonstrate that the public debt will not matter at this point, whatever will remain of Moody's will be irrelevant and - most importantly - everyone will be happy.  So go spend your discretionary money while there's still time, he said.

A few journalists scratched their head but no one challenged the physics behind this.

Happy Raymond then explained to this fans in a casual tone that the annual deficit - not the debt - is apparently lower than expected.  This comes as a total surprise, considering that he raised the provincial tax by 2 points during the past 24 months, that he also raised taxes on gasoline, that wines & spirits sold by the Quebec government are prohibitively expensive, just to name a few things.  Ray then reassured everyone that his administration was the best thing on Earth.

Er.

Imagine yourself on a cruise, as you sip a gin tonic on the upper deck you hear the sound of the captain's voice on the speaker.  The ship has hit an iceberg and iced water is rushing inside the hull.  Some harsh critics on board theorize that the ship could be sinking, considering that water cannot enter a ship indefinitely, but the entire staff reassures passengers that everything is under control.  To prove the point, captain Raymond "The Unsinkable" Bachand holds a small press conference in the ballroom.

"There are good news", says the jolly captain.  "We managed to patch some of the holes and the ship is now sinking at a lower rate".  Everyone in the audience gives the captain a round of applause.  "It's true that we used body parts from casualties to fill those holes, but is was limited to middle class passengers.  It is normal to ask of those to contribute their fair share so the ship doesn't go down.  Rest assured, lower class passengers will not be asked to contribute".  The crowd erupted in joy.

"But there's more!" says Captain Bachand.  "We dispatched more staff with buckets in the lower decks, and everyone is hard at work to remove the water.  Within the next 2 years we should be able to evacuate as much water out as it is coming in, this will be a terrific achievement!"

The crowd cheered and raised their glasses of champagne to the well-being of the smart commander of the ship, and sang loudly : Ride, captain ride, upon your mystery ship.  Be amazed, at the friends, you have here on your trip.

Find your lifejacket before the government prohibits them.

Member's Column Day: Ranting about severance

It has become common for employees nowadays to rant about something at work in order to be accepted by their colleagues.   CGI is no exception unfortunately, and some members enjoy criticizing every decision taken by senior management because it has become fashionable to do so.  It is cool, like the young people say.  Here's what ranter #1 has to say:

I was outsourced to CGI and since being employed by them I and my fellow co-workers have been treated like garbage. CGI is counting on people to not be able to survive on EI, this way the employee is forced to take employment elsewhere and thus CGI gets away with not paying a severance. This is an unethical practice and it should be illegal. At the very least they should have provided the option of severance or temporary layoff. 

CGI Management should be ashamed. I don’t know how they can sleep at night.

I sleep very soundly, thank you for your concern.  I read a few spreadsheets along with hot cocoa in bed, I don't watch TV (except when CGI makes headlines) and my Richie Rich PJs remind me that profitable growth is more than my journey, it is the reality of all CGI members because we all share the same dream.  We are collectively the physical embodiment of profitable growth, we are one with our earnings.

Back to Mr. Whiner here, he should understand that "severance" is a dirty word.  Severance means money traveling in a single direction (from our account to yours) without billable work being done in return.

It is, by every definition, a black hole.

As Hawkins would point out, black holes need to be few unless you want the universe to last a mere 2.3 seconds before all matter is sucked into oblivion.   Same applies with the financial world, CEOs deserve a severance package because there are few (as compared to lower-class workers) and I mean you can't just apply for a CEO job the way you apply to be a Web developer.

I strongly encourage members to take their pocket calculator and crunch some numbers.  31,000 employees, 2 weeks severance package, consider your salary as a baseline and add 20%.  Daunting number, isn't it?  What would happen to our stock price if I were to announce such a lethal charge during our next earning calls?  Apocalyptic would be an understatement.   Since you are a shareholder - if you're not I suggest you reconsider that high opinion of yourself you've been telling yourself  - since YOU ARE A SHAREHOLDER then you know that US paying severance would mean a considerably lower share price, therefore you would lose much, much more in the end.

If you are smarter than a toothbrush, then you know my logic is sound and it makes a lot of sense to handle members termination this way.  Plus, you've guessed by now that those who are layed off are not exactly the sharpest knives in the drawer, meaning YOU are still employed because YOU deserve it.  And that conclusion speaks for itself.

Now get back to work, and stop whining.

New HR selection criteria

Just so you know, new selection criteria have been sent to our HR lieutenants for all job interviews.  This new policy reflects our on-going concern to hire top shelf candidates who will blend with our corporate culture.  This is a sample of the questions we now toss during interviews:

1. Do you share the belief that money is evil?  If so, show me what's inside your wallet.

2. Are you a registered member of  any political party whose purpose is to destroy the supply-and-demand economy in favour of a state-controlled system run by unionized bureaucrats?

3. Is that a red square pinned on your jacket?  Tell us more about this.

4. Is we report stellar earnings at the end of this quarter, how would you feel about this?

5. Are your parents or any close relative member of a registered union such the CSN or the FTQ?

6. What kind of books do you enjoy to read?  Karl who?

7. Have you ever traveled to China, the former USSR or Cuba?  Who did you meet with over there?

8. How comfortable are you with wealth?  Do you share the viewpoint that behind every fortune lies a hidden crime?

9. Tell us more about your friends, what do you talk about when you gather over a drink?

10. Are you on Facebook?  Yes?  This is great, it shows you are forward thinking person.  Now, tell us your ID.

I told you so

What did I tell you last week about her?  Mark my words.  She has a plush position waiting for her.  She was a good soldier, she was in the hot spot and took bullets for the Liberal party.  Curly made a few calls this week-end.  Her future is secured.

That sinking feeling

Curly knows the end is coming sooner than expected.  Despite his limited intellect, he is able to foresee that his administration is sinking faster than the Bismarck.   He's being butt-fucked by all the students on strike, cops are being severely beaten by students, violence is rampant all over Montreal, and stories of mobs getting juicy public contracts make headlines every day .  

But Curly remains cool as a cucumber.  This guy could swim in a deep pool of manure and yet retain a fresh smell afterward and make jokes about it.

Even Happy Raymond, seen here on the left, plays Angry Birds because he knows the end of time is coming.   Or maybe he's texting some buddies because he does not understand how to read a balance sheet.  Probably the former, he does not give a shiitake about finance anyway.  

Education minister Lyne Beauchamp, on the right, is wondering what fat job she could land after her political career will be over.  Maybe some comfy chair in Paris like many of her predecessors, dealing with "cultural exchange" between Quebec and France, where you can get paid top dollar to host lavish parties, talk rubbish and not be accountable for anything.  Who knew a degree in psychology could get her so far?  

When you look at them in the eyes, you come to the same conclusion: these guys could not care less.  They fucked the system and milked it for all it's worth, the next administration will do the same until the Final Collapse.  That Greek moment when money talks and everything else is muted by the sheer force of reality.  

Do you understand when I say that these clowns could not last a minute inside a public company where every dollar we earn, every penny we pay you is analyzed by Wall Street and impacts our stock price before the market close?  These politicians could not even clean the lavatory, because it requires a clear and unequivocal understanding of "clean" and "dirty".

I asked my top lieutenants to review Project Exodus.  Business continuity at CGI cannot be impacted by political turmoil.  

The end is near.  But keep working.

Civilized people don’t buy gold, says Charlie

Could not be more true.  You won't learn anything when I say that smart people buy GIB.TO, the best Canadian stock out there way above the rest.  Average investors buy mutual funds from Investors and other industry hacks but they have no clue what a mutual fund is.  Dumb people, well, do not invest at all, do not buy gold and even if they wanted to purchase gold would not know where to purchase it, they simply prefer to buy disposable electronics at Best Buy.

Great Scott, where does Charlie buy his glasses, is that a custom order from Bausch & Lomb?  When I'll reach that noble age, I truly hope I won't have to wear spheres of glass to check on my spreadsheets.  Diapers, I don't care, you could work extra hours that way.  Special hearing devices, not an issue, people talk too much anyway so a little silence brings everything into focus.  But a CEO's vision has to sharp as an eagle, because numbers are the true meaning of life.

In my youth, when my teenage friends used their disposable income to purchase motorcycles, vinyl records and other depreciating assets, I wondered how I could leverage my tiny bank accounts.  Gold was a tempting option for me at that time, but I blame Scrooge McDuck for polluting my young mind with images of bottomless pool of gold coins and unsorted currencies.  Then I read how Ross Perot created EDS to sell mainframe time to companies that were not able to purchase big irons from Univac and IBM.

That being said, I strongly encourage you to check the performance of BRK for the past 2 years and do a little comparison with GIB.  You draw your own conclusions.

Full disclosure: Long GIB

Disclaimer: Material presented here is for informational purposes only. The above quantitative stock analysis, including the Star rating, is mechanically calculated by yours truly and is based on historical information. The analysis assumes GIB will perform in the future as it has in the past. This is always true, because profitable growth ensures our destiny. Before buying or selling any stock you nevertheless should do your own research and reach your own conclusion. If you reach a different conclusion, then you should re-check your numbers.

Just so you know

Instead of forking 3 grand to upgrade your home movie theatre, why don't you long the stock that all smart people on Bay street recommend to their client? I mean, it's your choice, but if I were you...

Like, dude?

Can't help myself, those ads hit a nerve and make me angry.

First of all, this youth in the ad looks like he had his hair done in a car wash. Second, the cheap suit, definitely not from Harry Rosen where real men go. If this guy was loaded as the ad claims, he would not look like a guy on parole who's trying to sell you something fishy. Plus, the outside glow would be appropriate for an adult DVD, not that I've rented anything in that department, but I've been told.

In any case, going past his questionable appearance, I loathe the "get rich quick" scheme. If Bobby here was serious about money, he would ditch his supposedly attractive penny stocks before the market closes today. I mean, if a company's public shares are worth $0.04, maybe that's a subtle hint that the headquarter is located in a trailer park (best case scenario) and not much assets can be found in the books.

In which case, unless the CEO of this public company has a breakthrough idea after he sobers up, buying this "penny stock" is an unwise investment and it would be more efficient to burn your money because you'd not pay brokerage fees.

GIB.TO made me rich. Get it?

Going banana

Hardly a day goes by without me doing a sales pitch for CGI. My thinking is, a CEO doesn't participate in the sales effort, who will?

Like last Thursday, my staff was behaving and I found no error in any of the spreadsheets that were submitted for approval. It was - theoretically - a perfect day. Until I went downstairs to grab a muffin at around 4:32 to sustain my mental energy under dinner, when I learned that the store was out of the banana variety.

Sure, they had blueberry, bran & raisin, oatmeal galore, even that inedible double chocolate, but my mood and historical data pertaining to my personal consumptions of muffins indicated that a banana muffin was my personal optimal choice at that very moment.

But they had none. No banana muffin.

I questioned the store clerk about what market events had triggered such banana muffin shortage, if senior managers at the store had been briefed on the incident as it will surely impact their next quarterly earnings in a small yet significant way, if there was a glitch in the supply chain and in such case could this be optimized by calling a SAP expert.

Do you know what the simple-minded store clerk said to me?

"Well, it's just we ran out of banana muffin, come back tomorrow"

This careless behaviour was unacceptable to me as a customer, and I'm positively sure the store owner would be terrified to learn he had lost a sale due to bad strategic planning. How come there was still five, STILL FIVE double-chocolate muffins and no trace of banana muffin? Who runs this ship? Did anyone learn a lesson from the downfall of Zellers in Canada?

Clearly, the daily production of said muffins was improvised. No, it was botched. Even lobotomized monkeys under the influence of illegal substance would do a better job.

I dully informed the clerk of the situation and how CGI could help their company improve dramatically their core business processes. Had he heard about our centre of excellence in Troy, Alabama ?

CGI could even put the muffins in the cloud, therefore any sales clerk would be able to check the banana supply from a mobile device anywhere in the world, understand the trend in customer taste in real time and dispatch production orders to ensure timely delivery of warm, fresh banana muffins. Such understanding of the marketplace would push the muffin store on a straight path to profitable growth and…

At that point I realized the clerk was looking at me in way that did not indicate a complete and thorough understanding of the free analysis I was delivering. Plus, 5 people were waiting in line, right behind me.

It's lonely at the top, but everyday I realize that there are many bozos in base camps...

Death, corporate governance and common cold

Although I pride myself not to explain my decisions, behaviour or choice of takeover target, I must humbly apologize for my lack of presence here during the past several weeks.

I know, I know, I should have use any member doing bench time to update this blog, but consider this: can anyone imitate me? Can a DBA act as an CEO imposter and really analyze and slice the reality of the worldwide IT industry and offer advice to other strategic thinkers like I do? I would not bet 1/100 of my annual bonus on this.

The thing is, I'm concerned about my own mortality and the future of CGI. I don't think anyone can walk into my shoes and lead this company into more profitable growth. The passing of Steve Jobs in October prompted our board to analyze possible succession plans, in the event where I would be run over by garbage truck or worse yet a Montreal cab driver.

Frozing my head in nitrogen after death is one possible option, although I don't like the idea of it. Larry King plans to do it, or so I heard.

Sure, scientists from the 23rd and a half century might bring me back to life to assume a second tenure at CGI, but I'm not comfortable skipping like 250 years of quarterly financial reports. I don't give a shiitake about what tech will be down the road (let me guess, it will stink, and I bet Windows XP will still be supported), but I'm truly concerned about having to catch up with dozens and dozens of annual reports written by less-than-competent executives who will be 6 feet under ground by the time said scientists resuscitate me.

I won't be able to demonstrate my wrath for past mistakes done by generic CEOs between 2080 and 2095, these morons will be snoozing at the cemetery and their tombstones will be eroded like public treasury! What if I find an error in a 10-K that was written in 2023? What if I discover that CGI started paying a dividing in 2122 and by 2167 will be considered a "dividend aristocrat"? What if coffee is free again in our office and the company is paying for every cup of joe?

The challenge of correcting 2 centuries of lax management is a daunting one, I'd prefer to shut down operations and return whatever money is left to the stockholders in their flying cars.

If you ask me, I'd prefer immortality even it if means a very long run. Eventually the sun will run out of hydrogen and we'll have to move out to another planet to expand and deepen relations with new and existing customers. I would look forward to building relationship with other races in the galaxy and explain to little green men the benefits of outsourcing their IT operation so they can focus on their core business.

Back to the freezing-my-head plan - as the board suggests - it implies being decapitated, and call me a sissy but I don't want my dead body to be chopped, especially by current board members or business unit leads with no surgical experience. It's like voiding my limited guarantee, I feel something bad will come out of it. And being frozen for 200 years is just an invitation to catch a bad cold and to endure a runny nose for centuries.

Plus, what happens when said scientists bring you back to life in 2300 ? Do you get a 20-year life extension, after which they freeze again your head and scientists get back doing Ph.Ds for another 200 years to determine what went wrong and how to extend life for 30 years instead of 20? And then they repeat the freaking process again and again? No, no, no, you guys won't chop my head every 250 years just to fund your lazy university research centres.

Now get back to work and bill.

Nope, we're not there

The Canada's Top 100 Employers project is a national competition to determine which employers lead their industries in offering exceptional workplaces for their employees. The 2012 winners were announced on October 7, 2011 in The Globe and Mail.

As may notice, Accenture and KPMG are there, but your beloved company is not on this year's list.

As a matter of fact, CGI was among the winner in 2006 and before, and yours truly is to blame. I was weak, sometimes it happens, and I took drastic measure to ensure the "exceptional workplace" would be a thing of the past. I called the head of each business unit, inquiring about frivolous activities, perks, minutes paid that are not billable to a customer, anything that impacts the bottom line. One BU leader dared to tell me that he was bringing a box of Krispy Kreme doughnuts every Friday so that this staff could schmooze over company-paid coffee and company-paid fried pastries. In fact, he was eating one as he spoke to me.

I went ballistic.

Rumors go that this guy never ate a doughnut since '06, even at home. He claims they give him cramps ever since.

Guess what, on Dec 29th 2006 - the year CGI was among those Top 100 employers, our stock closed at 8.13. As of now, it trades at 18.82. We cleaned the barn, and our spreadsheets are now spotless.

Who's right, that wimpy contest from the Globe and Mail for weak people-oriented companies, or my iron-clad balance sheet that keep pushing upward our stock price ?

You decide. Well, not really, but you get the idea.

One more reason to long GIB.TO

I always advise CGI members to stay on proven ground and to stay away from exotic temptations, whether it is exciting new technologies, unbelievable job offer and even trendy and hip clothes.

Here's one more thing to add to your internal check list: personal investments.

Some people are just plain weird, they work their ass off to rake a few dollars and if they resist the socially-acceptable urge to blow their disposable income on electronic gadgets, they throw themselves into the arms of the closest Investors Group representative. The conversation usually goes like this:

Dumb customer: I want to make money, I don't know jack about investments nor do I have any interests in learning, therefore I want to trust you since you have a nice suit or your office is way better than mine.

Smart representative: I'm happy to welcome you as a new gullible client as it will increase my personal bonus even I make you loose money, in which case I'll blame the markets and/or Bernanke. How many of your friends and relatives are as clueless as you? Are they on Facebook as well?

Dumb customer: Well, I want to make money. I listened to one guy on the radio saying ETFs are a good strategy. What's an ETF? Hold your answer, I won't be able to understand the lingo anyway, here's a fat check.

Smart representative: What a happy coincidence, our company has just released a truckload of synthetic ETFs, from the same smart people who designed fabulous CDOs in 2007. May I interest you with our latest leveraged ETF? It is actively managed, meaning the guy in charge spends an awful lot of time playing golf to hear rumors. I could forward you the link but since you're low-watt bulb in IT I'm afraid the PDFs thick with obscure wording and acronyms might make you feel awfully inferior and humiliated. Let me take your check.

Dumb customer: Thanks, I already feel better.

Smart representative: So am I.

If you have at least half the mental capability of a lobotomized donkey, you should open a trading account and buy decent stocks for the long run, like GIB. It won't make you a millionaire, it will never pay a sinful dividend, but it will keep you safe from the non-sense out there.

CGI trades slightly below $20, down from its peak at $24.30, you should act now if I were you. P/E around 11, how many deals like this can you find today?

Plus, owning more GIB will make you a better member, so happiness is a by-product.

On "leadership adjustment"

Power Donna is retiring, but we'll keep her warm and toasty on our board of directors while you are on the bench awaiting for the sword to cut your sorry little neck. Congrats to whoever wrote this press release, "leadership adjustment" is a fantastic euphemism. I'll try to use it next time.

Roach out.

Socialist admits to "moral failing" and "dyed eyebrows"

Members know that I'm fairly suspicious of socialists and other deviants, particularly those in Quebec because they don't call themselves socialists nor to they refer publicly to the work of Karl Marx.

Yet, once again, a rich socialist makes a fool of himself by dropping his pants in front of an ugly right-wing maid hoping she would become righteous, only to discover she's totally nuts and she sues the hell out of him.

What is this thing with socialists, they are so full of themselves they can't understand the world doesn't walk their way. If they can't convince you about their dogma, they fuck your brain out, is that it? And because they paint themselves with socialism in front of a camera, it somehow makes them more human and full of remorse. Dude, I can tell you're full of it, but not remorse.

It stinks.