I beg to differ

I am laughing all the way to the bank when I post my quarterly earnings, and even my banker grins from seeing my very rational exuberance. Don't worry dear members, your CEO is not about to derail and launch of series of unprofitable initiatives to satisfy some personal urge.

Groupon's founder Andrew Mason opens the filing with a letter addressed to "potential stockholders" sharing his business philosophy: "Life is too short to be a boring company."

Note to Mason: Take it from a seasoned CEO, stockholders are interested in return on investments, they don't give a fuck if you manufacture toilet seats for small dogs or develop hot games for the PlayStation. Your company may be boring, but if individual stockholders and institutional investors are happy then there is no boredom whatsoever.

Writing about the roller-coaster ride his company has been on since launching three years ago, Mason warns that Groupon's path will have "twists and turns, moments of brilliance and other moments of sheer stupidity." The company may make financial sacrifices in pursuit of "ambitious bets on our future that distract us from our current business."

I'm sure institutional investors will be thrilled to learn that the Groupon's CEO is looking forward to a bipolar-style of management and to moments of sheer stupidity and that he will actively work to distract itself from its core business. I can imagine the discussion:

Retirement fund manager: Johnson, have you heard about the latest's stunt at Groupon?

Johnson: no sir, what's happening, is Mr. Mason is on path to hand-kill animals just like Mr. Zuckerberg is doing?

Retirement fund manager: He just blew $500 million dollar to build a hanger-size freezer to rebuild the polar cap. Johnson, do you think we should invest our hard-won retiree pension money in Groupon? Should we speculate on this opportunity?

Johnson: I'd invest our stash of money in CGI, stellar earnings, low P/E, conservative management and the founder is still on board. CEO says he's looking to expand and deepen relationships with new and existing customers, whatever that means.

Retirement fund manager: Go ahead, buy a couple of millions shares.

Dear members, if you think for a second about sending your resume to Mr. Mason, think about the upcoming scar in your resume. Groupon is the next Webvan. Or the next Pets.com if you wish. Great expectations, but they are the latest fad and they will vanish a couple of years from now. Remember Pointcast and Marimba?

Dressing for summertime

It's the same fucking problem year after year after year. As the warmer days of springs knock on our doors, there is this uncontrollable tendency especially in young men and woman to dress with questionable pieces of clothing in the office.

And each year, as we move closer to the summer equinox, HR feels obligated to remind the youngsters that summer dresses, camis, and Hawaiian shorts are not precisely compatible with our line of business and could potentially impact our financial quarter. If we don't do anything, the whole office will look like the set of a Daytona spring break.

Can you imagine the conservative CIO of one of our client, let's say in the financial services industry with billions in assets, watching with horror as unshaved consultants dressed in a Tommy Bahamas fashion troll in the hallway with their flip-flops making squeaky sounds?

Holy Mackerel, I thought for a second that I was back in the Hamptons in July. Who are those guys anyway? Consultants? They wear yellow bermudas for Pete sake. I can't believe it, what is the name of the consulting firm? See jee what? Well I'll be damned if I don't sack them right now, Charlene hold my calls for an hour, I need to blow some steam.

Next thing you know, we miss earning estimates by 10 cents because of a single individual's inappropriate choice of wardrobe.

I once thought of imposing a corporate uniform but HR told me this might lead to unions, so I dropped the ball. But I kept some sketches on file just in case.

Nevertheless, I strongly advise you to dress for business, and business does not mean renting umbrellas on the beach.

Wearing a 3-piece suit is never overdressed no matter what line of work you do, even during blistering hot summer days in downtown Montreal where women stilettos leave deep dents in the asphalt on St-Denis.

The conservative CIO will be highly impressed to see you reviewing the firewall rules if you're dressed sharply without being provocative.

This young man here reminds me of myself when I was in my 20's, boy does this bring back fond memories when I was working for RBC. A tie every day, starched collar. Charlene, what is the daily rate of this gentleman here? How much? Sweet Mary, this is so cheap it is insulting. Call the consulting firm and say we'll pay 40% more for keeping this sharply-dressed lad. And we're extending him, we can't afford to lose previous resources like him. I should present him to my daughter too.

So ditch your North Face wardrobe today and get yourself some decent summer clothes that will speak for you and the firm. Call Harry, tell him I send you. And please don't act like some of your friends who buy shirts 4 size too small, you need to breathe.

Roach out.

Harold Camping fucked the faithful

Back in August, I warned you that the end-of-the-world-as-we-know-it was a hoax. Despite my warnings, some members just went nuts and announced their resignation on May 20th. Since the so-called rapture would have occurred over the week-end and the nice persons would take a short non-stop flight to the Pearly Gate and the subpar souls would suffer hell until the termination of Earth on Oct. 21st.

Interestingly enough, those same members came back on Monday morning and tried to act like their religious delusion never happened. It was just funny, it was an invitation to tease them.

Note to self: those members will gladly accept a 0% raise on their yearly meeting. Ask HR to come up with a catchy paragraph that says something like You're a total douchebag and as a result we'll assign you to difficult projects where you'll get waked.

And in case you've not noticed, Harold screwed the whole camping and then some, rumor goes that this snakeoil salesman from God has a personal fortune of $18M.

Camping The First should have learned from the industry best practices that profitable growth works best when the business model is a sustainable one. True, the sucker is 89 years old and he could blow a valve anytime. But still, this con artist should have learned from best-of-class dickheads such as Ron Hubbard whose organization still screws the faithfuls after his death.

That my friend is what separate the street thiefs from grand criminals. Harry the Happy Camper is just a wimp, a man of limited intellect who ensured that his credibility was bar none by predicting the end of the world too soon.

If CampyHarry had 2 once of brain, he'd announced the destruction of the world at least 100 years from now, therefore ensuring a steady stream of clueless donations from believers. Thanks to compounding interests and shrewd investments such as this great Canadian IT company on the TSX (wink, wink), he could have built a lasting empire.

Better yet, he could have built a legitimate front to his organization, I don't know like IT consulting (totally random choice) where the faithful do something even more profitable. You know the world's about to end, instead of going berserk and blowing your savings account on a stupid billboard next to the highway, do your family a service and bring a paycheck home in the meantime. If the rapture takes place sooner, we'll send you an SMS.

Watch Harry as he prepares an escape before Oct 21.

Facebook CEO on a killing spree

Sorry guys, I know I'm failing to meet basic expectations here, but a CEO job leaves little room for spare time - unlike a director job where you have all those free minutes to yourself between midnight and 4 am.

But you could thank me once in a while ya know, CGI trades north of $21 and we're posting stellar quarters. Profitable growth… does that ring a bell? There you are.

Anyway, I read with amusement about Zucky the 27-years old CEO who apparently set a personal challenge to slit the throat of live pigs and goats while insulting them in Mandarin. I'm sure Mr. Piggy was deeply honoured to be butchered by the Facebook CEO and that he posted a comment like "Friends, I'm going offline for now, today's a good day to die" and all his porcine friends "liked it". Oh, well.

Friends, this is what happen when you're going off the rail at such a young age. I'm talking about Zuckerberg here, not Mr. Piggy. I already told you that money was bad, well your in your hands anyway, because most people are not mature enough to handle wealth. Zucky's a billionaire under 30, and he's so bored of running Facebook that he gets a kick by slaughtering protein-rich animals. I don't want to know what happens in his bedroom, folks.

Me, I like to pay a visit to my friend the butcher in Westmount and he runs some his jokes by me because he knows I'm a tough nut to crack. I don't get blood on my white shirt in order to feed myself, that's the whole point of having a butcher. Can you imagine the smell of a dead pig in the trunk of my Mercedes, it would be enough to void the warranty.

I think Zucky suffers from a deep paranoia of joining the 27 Club, and as a result he throws himself in all sort of questionable challenge to prove himself he's a manly man. What will be his challenge in 2012 ?

If Zucky had been fortunate enough to work as an IT consultant for CGI, he wouldn't do such questionable challenges because he'd know there are better things to do. Like learning .NET, or supporting Notes servers, you know like REAL challenges. Running a knife on a goat's throat takes less than 30 seconds, that's a cheap thrill. Even Ozzie would not be impressed.

But implementing SAP in a dysfunctional organization, that my friend is the kind of challenge for the braves. I'm thinking about creating a special team at CGI much like the SEALs, where hardened specialists are trained for unconventional IT setups, infrastructure reconnaissance, terror-oriented management and project rescue. They won't come cheap. More on that later.

So Zucky go have fun with chickens while we adults do real work.

Filtering the Web for your own good

I was present at a CEO gathering in Toronto earlier this month and after the formal presentations in the afternoon that caused everyone to enter Stage I sleep, a bunch of us walked across the street to an Irish bar where we had a few and exchanged about current events - such as Komrade Duceppe tanking in the polls these days - but most importantly how we can enforce more control on our employees.

One topic that generated a lot of talk is why and how we should filter Internet access to prevent employees to loose precious billable time. 20 years ago it was difficult to squander a full hour by playing with an IBM Selectric unless you had ambitions to become the next Stephen King. But today anyone can log on to the network and spend half a day shopping for high-end speakers, learning about Lindsay Lohen latest arrest or inquiring about the psychiatric profile of your "friends" on Facebook. All of which cannot be billed to a customer and do not add to our profitable growth mission, therefore it serves no purpose.

As a result, organizations are relying on productivity-enhancement software such as WebSense and BlueCoat to restrain the human tendency to constantly procrastinate. If one cannot access his favorite fly-fishing Web site, then he might get back to work and actually deliver something. You'd guess only Gen Y slackers indulge on this, but it's not the case. Even boomers do it, they'd rather configure a Lexus on the Web than do real work.

The tricky part is determine what categories of sites are verbotten and which ones are suited for billable work. Some CEOs around the table obviously sporting liberal viewpoints favored an "open" environment where only hardcore stuff was filtered.

This is the kind of 2-edge sword that I don't want to bounce back. Being open is an invitation for total disaster, and being highly restrictive is just asking to be bugged 20 times a day with requests to "unlock" specific sites.

Me, I'm not too sure on what my position should be, and this uneasy feeling scares the beejesus out of me. I should be more assertive. My therapist says people gearing toward their late 50's & early 60's are more mellow, they're not trying to make a case of everything. I'm on mission to prove otherwise. Older Mike will be nastier than Youthful Mike. Yet, I have my share of doubts, but don't tell anyone.

Dear members, you input is appreciated nevertheless. Damn I hate to feel like this.

Komrade Duceppe and the Legion of Canadian Communists

A few members have dared to poll me recently about my political views in the light of the upcoming federal election.

Needless to say, I am a man of conviction and as long as CGI can pursue relentlessly profitable growth I will be a very happy CEO. Having said that, the man pictured above gives me the creeps and reminds me that we should move our headquarter to a more sensible place like Bay Street where business is not treated on such an emotional level.

Meet Komrade Gilles Duceppe, leader of the Bloc Quebecois, a political party on the federal scene whose goal is to act like a separatist provincial party.

Look at him. If you were the casting director of Silence of The Lambs, you'd kick Hopkins out of his trailer and give the lead role to this guy without talking to legal first.

Look at him again. Tell me honestly that you don't see a radical, short-tempered man that reminds you of a certain early 20th century European dictator. Draw a short mustache on your screen. Get it, now?

Look at what Wiki has to say about him: In his youth, he advocated communism, and held membership in the Workers' Communist Party of Canada (WCP), a Maoist group. Duceppe later claimed that his three-year membership in the WCP was a mistake brought on by a search for absolute answers.

Communism? Maoist organization? Absolute answers? Does it sound like deja vu to you? This why I call these bozos and their provincial counterparts the Blue Commies, they are trying to reinvent what the Bolsheviks did a hundred years ago, except their message is more subtle this time. This what the post-war marketing brought, more insidious ways to plant political ideas into the minds of citizens. Goal is the same, but Komrade Duceppe thinks he's way smarter than Vladimir and Joseph. I'd pay a hundred bucks to see what's on the wall of his home office.

Duceppe even went so far as to intentionally spoil his 1980 sovereignty-association referendum ballot arguing that Québécois should instead focus their efforts on staying united to fight their common capitalist enemy.

Common capitalist enemy? Ok, my mind is made up. Put this guy in charge of the country, and he would nationalize CGI, kill all outsourcing and consulting deals with capitalist countries (er, that means 99.9% of our business) and probably shove a powerful union down our throat to add insult to the injury. He might ban Windows as well and come up with a government-built OS, who knows what these wackos are capable of.

Next time you meet one the Bloc minion at the grocery store and he/she wants to shake your hand in order to get your vote, ask him/her about the communist state of mind of Komrade Duceppe. Let me know how it goes, I think it will be extremely funny.

Sometimes a burger is just a burger

Dear FakeMike, your latest post outlines a profound problem in the IT industry, people are fed up with utterly complex technologies and the delusional managers who love them. It seems no IT project can evolve without turning into a huge clusterfuck with childish ego wars and dumb snake oil salesmen grabbing the client's attention. It's no wonder smart people quit their job and look for a more sensible professional life. A burger joint might not be terribly exciting, but at least the burgers don't call for a change management meeting with change request forms the minute you alter the menu. John from Calgary.

John here seems to have a point, but his limited perspective prevents him from seeing the big picture. I'd say John will never land an executive VP position, but that would be mean. Well, not really.

True, burgers won't complain when you change the menu nor they need firmware updates nor are they the subject of an “architecture” where the relationship between the burger, the fries and the large Coke is discussed at great length in relation to business requirements and best practices. Still, that's no reason to quit IT and especially your position at CGI. Unless you plan to trump Joey Chesnut, I’d stay out of the food business.

This is a typical problem with mere mortals such as John, they don't see the big picture, they cannot grasp the full extent of profitable growth so they limit their view of the world to what their senses tell them.

John sees a clusterfuck, I see a lucrative opportunity to expand and deepen a relationship with a deep-pocket customer over a 10 years period minimum.

John sees insanely complex technology, I see a fantastic opportunity to bill a large number of hours to install and configure whatever he's talking about. Since the complexity escapes everyone including the manufacturer engineers, there's no shame in charging an obscene rate.

John sees a delusional manager, I see a great potential for the firm to drop a couple of expensive "strategy advisors" in the manager's office and gear the mentally-challenged director in a direction that ultimately will lead to large contracts for us.

You see, profitable growth is in the eye of the beholder. So John, if you're unable to grasp the true reality with your limited intellect, yes maybe it's time you go flip burgers as beef patties are - exactly - a beef patties. But ask yourself this: did Ray Kroc saw just a burger or a way to revolutionize the American food industry? It's the same here, I see tremendous opportunities when all you see is tedious work and painful client relations. This is the difference between top-shelf CEOs like me (for instance) and whining guys like you.


Let me know when you're there, I can't wait to see your new outfit.