Let GIB Grow!

Dear members, with the spirit of Christmas upon us and your generous profit-sharing bonus under the tree, I thought it would be a great time to introduce a company-sponsored song so that CGI members across the world celebrate the end of a very profitable year. A couple of sourpusses will complain that this is a brain-washing technique used to assimilate the mind of less-experienced members. Those backward-thinking employees are tagged into our system and as a result they receive 25% less bonus than members who share our vision of profitable growth.

So on Christmas eve when everyone will be slightly buzzed from the effect of alcohol and with their guards down, go sing this song in front of everyone. Chances are, they'll call their broker to purchase some shares to put in their children's stockings.

Oh the market outside is frightful

But our members are so resourceful

And since they have no place to go

Let GIB Grow ! Let GIB grow! Let GIB grow!!

It doesn't show signs of stopping

And I've brought some charts for planning

The salaries are turned way down low

Let GIB Grow ! Let GIB grow! Let GIB grow!!

When our clients finally kiss goodbye

How I hate to inflict any harm

But if you continue to bill them tight

On the way to the bank I'll be warm

Other IT firms are slowly dying

And next year we will be buying

But as long as our earnings grow

Let GIB Grow ! Let GIB grow! Let GIB grow!!

See you in 2011. Drive safely, I need you to bill next year.

Do you see the light?

If Evil himself recently tempted you with a tantalizing job offer and vague promises of a better future outside the realm of GIB.TO, it's time to refocus on your core values and re-read the Gospel of Serge. Thou shall bill 40 hours a week and be happy about it. Or Thou shall not send your embellished resume to competitors.

Our founding father gave a passionate speech titled "Built to grow and last" on Dec. 14 at the Chateau Frontenac in Quebec City, and it you had your share of doubts this speech would have restored your faith in CGI and its values. Serge is hyper-active these days, he'd been aloof for a while but it's like the the Stanley acquisition has put new lithium batteries and a 6-pack of Full Throttle in him. He's on a mission for profitable growth and he's unstoppable.

I could not attend this specific speech, but when I do I always enjoy standing in the dark and watch people's face as they read Serge's PowerPoint slides. There is always a fair share of clueless veggies at those meetings who are just there to show their asses and pretend they are on top on business, you know who they are. They quote Gartner Group. They like to attend $5000 seminars aimed at "decision makers" where a self-proclaimed luminary tells rosy stories about the future of technology 10 years from now. If you're sitting next to them, they show you their iPad and first thing they demo you is a stupid game. You know, these guys. They talk all the time. They never decided for anything in their lives. Them.

But there are a few individuals who react like 1977 geeks who saw Star Wars for the very first time. Whoa, dude. A feeling of aw and wonder, they beam with a youthful enthusiasm as they suddenly realize they can outsource their entire IT department to us and focus on their core business processes.

We'll get rid of all our IT dorks for the next 10 years, this is what I've been waiting for, I'll outsource all these fucking douche bags to and we'll clear the entire floor. It'll cost a fortune but I don't care I can build a business case with any shit. I'll then be able to manoeuvre and put forth my political agenda.

Please note dear members, the $67.73 ticket price for Serge's speech CANNOT be put on your expense report, if you do your director will whack you. If your director approves this expense he'll get whacked by me in person, and trust me the last thing you want as a director is an e-mail from me. I don't speak directly to employees at such a low level unless it's for giving them hell and instructions to pack their things.

Wait a minute.

Sorry, I've just been told that this lunch invitation was for new and existing clients with whom we want to deepen and expand our relationship. Real deep. It was not for members.

Now get back to work.

Member's Column Day: More Rants

CGI is the only company I worked for where I actually lost benefits and money with time. Every quarter we loose something. We lost internet at home, our week went from 37.5 to 40 hours, that a 6.6% drop. Then we lost all the overtime, we still work on call at night but its not paid anymore. All the while you are bombarded by emails asking you to give to centraide and shit so CGI looks good. CGI was good 10 years ago, now its full of blood sucking pencil pushers. Forget about working your way through the ranks, new employees hired externally make more than the ones promoted from within. The only good thing is CGI looks good on a resume, like McDonald's. The yearly evaluation is a joke, they drown you in paperwork until you give up. Do your time and always keep an eye out for a better job. CGI does not care for its employees at all.

Dear member from Montreal, your plea comes at a time when I believe I should have been much more demanding from you guys in the past. I think I had a wake up call about 18 months ago when I was going through a large stack of expense reports. Instead of thinking CGI was paying for your expenses, I imagined for a few minutes that everything was coming out of my own wallet, not the company account.

I freaked out.

I'm paying for you to be at home drinking beer, watching football and banging your significant other? Being on call does not mean you ACTUALLY work. If you get a call in the middle of the night because the fucking server is down, this is probably your fault in the first place. You should have double checked everything, because when you do the phone does not ring at 2 am. It's called peace of mind, buddy.

I'm paying for your Internet AT HOME so you can download music and movies illegally? Or chat with your friends and entertain discussions that are not in line with the company objectives?

I'm paying for YOUR overtime when MINE is not paid? C'mon!

I had to breathe in paper bag for a few minutes to calm down.

I then realized this company was WAY too generous toward its members, and although membership has its privileges, the financial situation dictated that I take strong actions in the next year to improve our bottom line. We raised the workweek across the board and that had a direct positive impact on your quarterly filings.

The thing is, you ain't see nothing yet. 2011 will be hell. I feel like a Charles Bronson character, except I'm a financial vigilante looking for balance sheet justice, out to shoot unnecessary expenses.

I'm going out for some ice cream, make sure your expense report is in order before submitting it.

Creating the biggest wiener factory

I feel it is important dear member that I share with you some of my bold plans for the future of this company. Just a glimpse, as The Plan requires a minimum IQ of 170 for a basic understanding, and HR tells me that no one scores that high.

You must understand that, very much like other fields, size do matter. Size is more important than quality because our world is based on numbers and quality is one very hard aspect to attach metrics to. Hygrade understands this very well, you don't want to know what kind of meat goes into the wiener, but you want to make sure you buy them when they are on sale. It's the same with humans.

My plan is to double the size of the company within the next 5 years, increase our earnings threefold and to lower CPM (Cost Per Member) by 15%. I want to manufacture a lot more wieners but the TCO of a 12-pack must be dirt cheap so I can make a fat profit on bulk sales. Consultants are to customers what wieners are to buns, and ketchup is like overhead. Since it is an expensive condiment we make sure that only one bag is provided.

Once you understand the inescapable logic and sheer beauty of profitable growth, you should not be surprised to read rants such as this one on RateMyEmployer.ca:

I saw enough of that place to know that I had to get out if I wanted to get anywhere. I left CGI for a 12% salary increase, better benefits, and I have since gotten another 3% increase recently.

If you work for CGI and it is around August/September, be concerned if you are not billable. You could be on the street joining the ranks of the unemployed. Of course make-work projects are created for some friends on the bench. Another technique that is used is creative reporting for projects because CGI strives for a "green" environment when it comes to projects.

In the GTA office on certain high floors, if you have friends in senior or lower management, you can get places. Especially if you were all from a team that now runs the show. Of course this is at the expense of other hard working employees... It is not what you know but who you know and who are your friends. A manager friend will guide on how to decorate your annual review so that you can "promote" yourself and so that he can promote you. There are other things... Does HR know of this....hmmmmm.... probably not.

This poor crybaby from GTA surely hasn't take some time to read our latest Q4 results. If he had, he would understand that his tiny personal sacrifice is essential to the meteoric growth of this company and anyone criticizing upper management should be accused of high treason and sent COD to the Tower of London (or Detroit, whatever location is closest).

As a member and shareholder, the GTA whiner is ridding the best Canadian stock on the TSX. But Mr. Nitwit here is only concerned with this own and short term benefit, he does not give a shiitake about the company that feeds him. He probably wants to purchase a new plasma screen to replace the one he bought 2 years ago. I'll make sure his annual review shows an appropriate scorecard under "Personal Attachment To The Company".

I've been told the Tower of London is for sale, is this true?

$3.1B Deficit = Good News

I can't resist to poke fun at easy targets like Happy Raymond, he reminds me of a kid in high school who thought communism was the solution to all problems. We challenged him for the fun of listening to his incoherent speech and obscure references to early 20th century Russia, and then we threw a paperback copy of Animal Farm in his backpack.

The Grand Master of Smoke & Mirrors was proud to announce yesterday that the 2009-2010 deficit is only $3.1B instead of the earlier $4.2B forecast. Man, that is excellent news, I feel much better. But wait a minute, how can your forecasts be off by $1.1B? When Wall Street guesses our earnings, there are not off by 9 or 10 figures, don't they?

Happy Raymond has an answer for everything, that's what makes him a so talented politician. "The economy growth was much stronger than expected" he said. That was easy! So when Quebec's deficit will dip a billion south of forecasts, Joyful Raymond will answer "The economy proved to be weaker than expected".

Do you realize now that any smiling retard with a union background can act as Finance Minister in this province?

Now the good part. The debt will go from $163B in 2010 to close to $200B in 2014-15, and this beloved administration has raised its burn rate by a whopping 5.2% this year alone! That's like sinking at warp speed. Or bleeding 2 gallons of blood a second. Blissful Raymond was quick to provide a thorough analysis. It is a serious situation. Thanks Ray, it's good to know you have things under control.

I'm calling a few buddies over at Moody's and S&P, it's time for the circus to end and close the curtain. If anyone can convince these guys to lower the credit rate of Quebec and stop the ongoing party, it's me.

Roach out.

Do people actually send gold to these suckers?

There are days when I'm wondering if working 80 hours a week is worth it. These guys probably do 10 times my salary. Maybe it's time I set a Foundation for Distressed Members where employees would send me their unwanted gold and I would pay them $10 an ounce (for 24K of course). Too many diamonds? A truckload of gold bracelets? Send everything to the company's bank account, that will boost our next earnings.

I don't know about you, but considering the deficits these days I'd rather have Gold4Dollars, not the opposite. But that is just me. Anyway.

The two gals at the very beginning sound so convincing that I should hire them as project managers. Anthony however looks like the kind of guy you'd expect in the waiting room at the parole officer's office.

Members Column Day: On intrapreneurship

FakeMike, it seems to me it would be highly beneficial for the company to breed real entrepreneuship. When you empower people to think on their own instead of following the rule book, big things can happen. Unfortunately, most corporations - CGI included - ignore this. Why do large corporations always put a cap on human spirit? Why is there this desire to alienate people? Felipe from Spain

Dear FFS, my experience at CGI and previously at Bell taught me that entrepreneurship can be a lethal disease when it spreads within the ranks of a well-managed and profitable corporation. Let's face it, entrepreneurs are not fond of rules and they have no respect for the status quo. These deviants tend to quit to start their own company and next thing you know they want to invade your sandbox, steal your clients and put you out on the streets.

I know, I know, our founding fathers did just that in 1976 but that was for a good cause, look at where we are today. Today's entrepreneurs are not the same breed, it was different and nobler back then. Men were real men, not just shadows of a Facebook profile.

A company is about order, rules, consistency, and yes status quo. Status quo should be cherished, it is much more polite than saying no, and it gives a subtle hint that the situation may change 500 years from now, so status quo gives hope. Status quo gives plenty of time to weight all options. This is why most serious businesses - including ours - run on XP and Explorer 6. Change is a devil in a slutty red velvet dress, it looks enticing at first but underneath that nice exterior is one ugly beast oozing problems.

Overpaid management consultants have invented this incredibly great idea called "intrapreneurship" where people operate like entrepreneurs within all the existing rigid rules and red tape and by respecting status quo.

This is all bull of course, but it allows us to capture the energy and time of a few naive individuals who fall for this idea. We first create a trap by stating that individuals who want to "invest themselves" in the corporation are welcomed, this usually triggers a few people - usually rookies with rosy ideas about career management - to knock on the door. We assign them an open-ended project with a vague scope, no management support and of course no budget. After a few months and a few dozen unpaid hours, the "intrapreneur" understands the gimmick and abandons. The project is then picked up by the next gullible junior and the process repeats itself.

To sum up my answer, empowerment is all about trouble and pain, a top-down approach is always preferable. If a business can disguise unpaid hours into empowerment, that's a direction one must favor if this initiative does not impact the status quo and improves the bottom line.

I'm buying one for every member

In case I accidentally forget to drop one in your stocking at Christmas, you can own your own Curly t-shirt here. Isn't it a beauty? When this bozo was elected with a strong majority in 2003, he had the opportunity to turn things around and avoid the chasm where we're heading at warp speed. He could have turned Quebec into a profitable growth nation. Did he? Apparently no. He covered his fat ass and shook hands with unions.

I know it may be a niche market, but I wonder if anyone has designed a t-shirt with the unforgettable smirk of Happy Raymond. Let me work on this.

On the bench? Think Kyrgyzstan!

Good news! Our company just won a lucrative 5-year contract to support the Kyrgyzstan Border Service against transnational threats!

That means we desperately need some voluntary folks to fulfill our duties to this former Soviet state, the 2nd poorest country of Central Asia. Don't worry, it's the safest place east of Montreal, I've been told the Kyrgyzstan's border is one cool place to hang out and those "transnational threats" are just one of those things. Rumors at best.

I'd love you fill you in about this project but I'm reviewing the list of members rotting on the bench and I'm selecting those who will participate on this 5-year mission. To explore strange new Turkish worlds, to seek out new earnings and profitable growth, to boldly bill where no one has gone before!

No security clearance is required but you will have to go through a short training program to handle automatic weapons. Don't worry, it's just there might be coyotes roaming during the night and adequate protection on your side will lower the turnover rate on the project.

Roach out.

The Master of Unprofitable Growth

Happy Raymond is still in denial or he's full of it, you decide. The Conference Board of Canada stated that unless drastic actions are taken now, Quebec will dig its financial grave by $45 billions CAD each year just 20 years from now. My take is that some smart people in Ottawa have started using their calculators and the numbers are so staggering that their HP 12c are smoking.

Our Grand Master of Financial Illusions pictured above was quick to react and deny everything saying his administration was working days and night to cut expenses. Pointing fingers is one sure sign that everything is under control. Er, like dude, you expect us to believe this shit? According to the latest polls, a mere 85% of the population is fed up with Curly's administration, corruptions rumors and questionable expenses are making the headlines everyday.

Just this morning we learned that the Ministry of Education paid a firm $50 000 over 2 years to water its plants. If you ever worked in a government cubicle, you know that the potted plants there can survive almost anything including the presence of Happy Raymond. Still, some wise crack over there with a college degree figured it was okay to fork $50K just to water plants.

Just for the sake of entertaining myself a bit, I faxed our Q4 results to Happy Raymond today with a note saying: Our company is a fucking money printing machine, your administration is sinking faster than the Lusitania. And then I drew a crude Buzz Lightyear on the cover sheet with a caption: To Infinite Growth and Beyond.

Needless to say, Happy Raymond did not call me back.

Dear members, if CGI could be a country if would be the most fantastic place on Earth. I'm working on it, it's part of The Plan. Don't say anything.

The workplace and the entertainment world

I was sitting in the porch last night, enjoying a Labatt Porter after an excellent pot roast, when my mind traced an interesting parallel between today's workplace and the entertainment business.

50 years ago, when you went to see a movie or buy a record, men were real men. Gene Kelley had grace. Sinatra had style. Miles had talent. Slim was the king. Same with gals. Andrews. Bergman. Gosh I love her.

Power up your large plasma screen tonight and analyze what you see. Lindsay going in and out of rehab. John & Kate showing their so-called misery to millions of brain dead viewers. Talent-free people singing off-key during prime time. And when you thought you'd hit the bottom of the barrel, you discover her.

Ladies & gentlemen, our world is being UPSed to hell. But you should not be learning anything at this point.

The parallel with the workplace creates a daunting perspective. 50 years ago the business environment was very different than what we see today. People had objectives. Ruthless tycoons were sweeping the world and pushing products and services to the marketplace in less time than it takes to finish a whiskey sour.

Today's business world is so complicated that J.P. Morgan would abandon the idea of building a nation-wide railroad system. Government would require to rubber-stamp every rail and nail before it is laid down. The idea of charcoal-driven locomotive would be shot down by environment fanatics with no college degree. J.P. would spend his days talking about Sarbox or PCI-DSS compliance instead of nailing down his competitors in the mud.

You don't believe me? Look at the time it took me to acquire Stanley, and ask yourself how long it would have taken someone during the Rockefeller-days.

People with no talent have infiltrated every sphere of our world. And talent-free individuals clog our way of living and doing business. 42% of all workers in Quebec are unionized. Eventually, the prevalence of morons should lead to the destruction of the world. Stupidity is not only tolerated, it is widely accepted as the gold standard.

While we cannot gear society in a different direction for the moment, we can structure our companies to take bosozity into account. If your company is like mine, you know you have very few A players, a bunch of B players and a truckload of F players.

Join me today on a crusade to grow talent at minimal cost. We badly need people with brains, but such endeavor must NOT impact our bottom line. Wall Street analysts do not check if your company has a lot of brain power, but they do check earnings.

Members Column Day : Interfacing with mere mortals

Dear FakeMike, I attended the CGI Annual Propaganda Tour a few times and it seems to me that upper management is more concerned with distributing a pre-packaged hollow speech than actually listening to what real “members” have to say. Membership has no privileges, really. When will management start to address real issues in this company? Stew from DC

Dear Dimwit, what you are witnessing is the wide intellectual chasm between upper management and sub-basement level employees. If you encounter a squirrel and try to explain quantum mechanics or 18th century poetry to the poor rodent, it would gaze at you in silence listening to your mumbo jumbo and hoping that this bulge in your pants is a bag of peanuts.

The annual tour brings a similar situation, we try to explain our strategic vision in very simple terms but we are acutely aware that the average intelligence level in the room is not able to grasp even the most basic principles behind our vast and elaborate thinking. Members hope there will be shrimps and free drinks at the end, so they listen to our speech patiently but their mind is in the buffet.

I mean, even if I explained you what The Plan is, you would not understand it. My mind has evolved into an advanced form where complex thoughts can be processed rapidly, and the downside of this amazing super power is that it is increasingly difficult for me to communicate with standard employees, even those empty shells acting as middle management. If I tried to tell you about The Plan, your mind would collapse from neurons over firing. You do not have enough processing power to grasp the intensity and depth of The Plan. Your IQ allows you to listen to shows like “Deal or No Deal”, but that’s how far your financial brain can go - and even then you don’t understand the probabilistic nature of the game.

As for your last sentence where you claim that management should address issues, maybe you should accept that there are no issues per se, just wrong perspectives. What you perceive as a problem is in fact a reality that you have a hard time processing. Upper management knows your brain has limited power, this is why we do not hold it against you. The annual tour is an attempt is package a very complex reality in small easy-to-process bites.

So I strongly encourage you to participate again in our annual tour, you will be reminded how great this company is, how lucky you are to live and breathe under our umbrella, that the future is paved with profitable bricks. And there might be shrimps.

Roach out.

Who asked for a raise?

Just in case you were hoping for a 4% raise this year, we just announced that we were looking to expand our Indian work force by 1,500 members. Yes, that's right. We're not increasing our workforce in Montreal because those crybabies always want more. Indian workers are just happy to work. This is what I call a "core competency", that is the ability to accomplish work without asking constantly for more benefits. India is geared toward profitable growth.

The average software engineer in Mumbai is about $8200. And those fat butts in Montreal go about $45 000, so you do the math.

By the way we are announcing our Q4 earnings on November 9th, and some good news are to be expected:

Analysts polled by Thomson Reuters expect CGI’s profits will increase 12 per cent to 30 cents per share, up from 27 cents a year ago. Revenues are expected to exceed $1 billion, up from $926 million in the fourth quarter of 2009.

One. Freaking. Billion. I'm wetting my pants.

Trick, treat or profitable growth?

This time of the year is what I call the “orange & black” plague, where even health-conscious individuals crave for glucose/fructose-infused candies colored by Dupont.

As much as I hate Halloween and other folkloric traditions that do not improve bottom line, I do my very best NOT to show my intolerance because people seem to be happy about this festivity and the total cost is very low. I prefer to buy a box of discounted candies and put it on a coffee table in the lobby than giving everyone a raise. If I’m lucky, there will be some candies left and I can re-use them next year therefore implementing a small scale dollar-cost averaging since candies are also subject to price increase.

I also decided this year to greet kids in a different way where they show up at my house. Giving them lollipops and chocolate bars serves no purpose as the average kid cannot eat all the crap they collect on that night. Cheap stuff is discarded too. So I will give them a brochure about CGI with instructions to give it to their dad or mom, as we’re always looking to expand and deepen relationships with new and existing clients. This may startle innocent minds, but even kids know the value of money. I will explain to them that candies are a short term treat that will only bring them dental discomfort, buying GIB shares on the other hand is a smart move.

I’ll explain that witches and zombies tend to short stocks and this bad habit will only lead them further on a path of destruction. Being long on a strong cash-flow positive company that does not pay dividends like, well let’s take a random example, CGI Group (wink, wink) is one sure sign that you are outgrowing childish behaviour and becoming a money-wise pubescent teenager who will one day send us a good resume. You may be a 5-year old Spider-man today, but 20 years from now you will work for me in a cubicle. And you too young lady in a princess costume. All of you.

What do you think about my idea? Should I wear my Darth Vader costume from last year?

I could make the Friendly Giant weep

When I was a young boy in Pembroke, we only had one TV in our house and it was a black and white set my parents acquired from a relative at a steep discount.

Like most of my friends, I watched a couple of shows intended for the younger crowd. The Flintstones were superficially funny but kinda weird, Fred had normal eyeballs but Wilma just had small dots. And Barney had hollow circles. Why was that? Were they drawn by separate artists with no guidelines on eyeball expressions?

The Thunderbirds were also an interesting show for rocket-minded youngsters. Me, I could not understand who funded Internal Rescue, I mean launching rockets on a daily basis to prevent minor incidents is not a sustainable business. Can you imagine the cost of running this operation? Lady Penelope was a high-maintenance chick. It could not be a government operation, the IR island would have been staffed with thousands of government workers, officials, union representatives. Didn’t make sense.

The most freaking show however was The Friendly Giant. For those of you south of the border, this Canadian production was about an oversize castle owner who entertained himself with a giraffe and a rooster. Whenever I saw the show opening where the castle gate would open, I would hide behind the sofa afraid that the Friendly Giant would catch me and lure me into his cardboard mansion.

You may ask, Mike why were you afraid of the most gentle person on Canadian television? He was a beloved icon, like Mr. Rogers, he could not hurt anyone, dude you must have serious issues ya know?

Here was my problem with the Giant: he was too good, he had to have a hidden agenda. I mean, the guy played music with his friends, told stories and inquired about their well-being. Problem is, he didn’t charge anything for his services! He did not expect anything in return! Can you believe this? Who does that? How does he pay the heating bill? What about property taxes, he was properly the most taxed citizen in the whole country. I was sure this was a whole scam, when the show ended and the gate would close, I could picture the Giant sending a bill to the giraffe. Nothing can be free, folks. Goodwill is a fantasy.

There is one thing however about this show that I found fascinating. The rooster was living in a bag nailed to the wall. That’s interesting, I thought. I wonder if people can be coerced into working into impossibly tight working environment with no daylight and tepid odors. That would be a fascinating idea, imagine the total cost of ownership of an employee if we can reduce his desk to 10 square feet.

So the Friendly Giant motivated me to pursue a career where I could control my castle and make sure we never run out of money. No music in this castle though, we’ll do hard stuff. Plenty of roosters, high-marging business, fully scalable. Playing flute does not generate revenues.

Why are you looking at me like that?

Perspectives on grass

Despite what researchers Cheech and Chong have proposed in their late 70’s papers, the grass is never greener on the other side.

There is a delusional tendency among IT consultants to believe that their next gig will be much better than the one they are currently on. When asked to describe their current client/project, most consultants will expand on total lack of management, fuzzy work objectives, intense politics and psychotic CIOs. They will tell you about unbelievable events that took place in front of their eyes. Stories about enraged PMs knocking down white boards, stoned workers and even people going at it in meeting rooms.

When those same consultants are assigned to a new project, they go through a honeymoon phase that lasts a short time. They are relieved to exit their current nightmare, they end up at a bar on their last day to celebrate the end of their detention and the group has a good time joking about the unbelievable things that made their life soooo miserable for months. If you ask those consultants at that precise moment what’s their outlook on the next project, they will tend to be very optimistic. Dude, it can’t be that BAD again, this is impossible. Or I’m sure the next team is better managed, one of my friends has been there for a year.

Let’s say you cash your $900 annual bonus and you hop on a plane to Vegas. You go the Bellagio because you feel lucky. You play the roulette and you put $100 on red. The ball hits black and you lose. You re-do the same bet, putting again $100 on the same red square. Damn it, the ball also landed in the back zone. You repeat this pattern another 5 times, and the freaking ball always land on black. Your mind tells you that the ball has landed on black 7 times, so there are strong odds that it will land on red the next time, right? It ain’t so obviously, as the ball always has a 50% chance of hitting red, and it has no memory of where it got the previous times. Researchers call this the “casino bias”.

Consultants have a similar bias, they’ve hit a string of failed projects and their subconscious tells me the next one will be a winner. Difference is, the game is rigged. There are no great projects, the ball can never land on red. Why is that?

Great projects do exist but they are done by a very small team of smart and internal people. Projects that involve dozens and dozens of people are usually doomed to fail, the smart people know this so they exit these projects as fast as they can. So the client brings in contractors to do the job, it has really no choice and it will be willing to pay big bucks for someone to save his butt. Careers and egos are at stake, remember? When the payload of IT consultants land on the site and there’s a kick-off meeting, the project is already in a terminal phase so to speak. The ship is still horizontal but there’s a 40 feet gap in the hull. Start pumping and enjoy the ride.

Consultants then realize that this gig will be worse – much worse - than the previous one. They remember fondly the old team, how they wished they were still there if they hated the place a few weeks ago. They’ll even have lunch with colleagues that are still on the former project, inquiring about the latest local drama. Then the consultants will go through the cycle again, they accept their current fate and their hope is now on the next project which surely will be much better. Seniors know better and they just KNOW things won’t improve.

There is no green grass. Just a slab of cold concrete.

Managing the next generation - Follow up

In regard to my last post on Friday, one kind member from the North East BU reminded me that texting teenagers do not escape Darwin's Law. Here's the proof.

I can only imagine the amused look on the face of DEP employees when they saw this nutty texting teenager with her oversized sunglasses dropping like a stone into the manhole. Hank, you ow me ten bucks, I told you she would fall into it.

As a result, we can expect a fair share of texting teenagers to be incapable of joining the workforce because they will self-eliminate. A minority will have to adapt to face-to-face communication and learn the intricacies of Office 2003.

Managing the next generation

Four thousand fifty texts a month = 135 a day = one every 7 minutes of waking life. And that’s the average U.S. teenage girl,according to a new Nielsen survey.

How am I going to hire those folks 10 years from now? Will I need an interpreter because those young people will totally be incapable of writing a full sentence without a mental breakdown? Let’s compare the depth of the two following analysis:

Analyst #1: Our preliminary assessment of risks dictate that management should re-consider Plan A and analyze what other option is available in order not to expose assets to unnecessary risks. CGI can assist management in pursuing other options.

Analyst #2: wRong, wont work dude. c u L8 R.

Assuming current teenagers will be able to use Office 2003 without a cell phone interface, what rate do you think I’ll be able to charge for Analyst #2? And considering the perforation level of today’s teenagers face, will be they forced to worked remotely not to shock customers with their questionable choices?

One more tour, fellas

It's something I've grown to be more uncomfortable every year, but if we don't do it our members will think something is wrong with upper management. And it's not the jet lag or the crappy airport food that bothers me. What irks me about our annual tour is the constant reminders that we have to share with our business units, much like a father visiting his offsprings and having to teach them that excessive partying does not pave the way for a successful life.

I've talked to Serge about having a different kind of annual tour, where business unit leaders would visit ME instead of me touring the fucking world. I mean, did the King of France or England take the time to tour his country every year? No, all the Lords had to visit the king and disclose their financial performance and strategy to increase state revenues. Kings had to build huge war chests, I have to increase available cash and credit line to pursue more acquisitions. Kings chopped the heads of those who disagreed, I simply write a pink slip.

Serge being a sentimental guy, he likes to tour the world and have a good time. Me, I'd rather stay home crunching numbers.

So we agreed to crisscross the globe one more time, but we'll spend more time in U.S. cities where our newly acquired members from Stanley will build profitable growth. We need to be on the same page when it comes to expenses, and this is where my pen is mightier than the sword of the Kind of England. Yankees have this perspective of a French Canadian company where we enjoy the good life and have a very laid back approach. La joie de vivre, they say.

How little they know me.

Our annual tour is more like an annual crusade, where we restore financial control and HR discipline - German style - throughout the company. We inquire about why a particular business unit ranks below our financial objective, and if the explanations do not make sense - they rarely do - we sack the management team on the spot. Internally, we call this an Operation London Tower. If a business unit meets or exceeds the financial objectives, we congratulate them (briefly) and then we grill them on their plan to surpass themselves for the next fiscal year.

Now that you increased your revenues by 15%, you need to achieve 20% more next year. Cap your raises to 1%, yet maintain a turnover rate below 5%.

Sometimes, these bastards were just lucky with good market timing and they camouflage luck with their inflated capabilities, my sixth sense is quickly able to part bull from real talent. A market downturn is not an excuse to show lower revenues, only sissies would do that.

The key is not to have emotions. Those who do can't pursue profitable growth and are marred with difficult situations. Only by shedding all feelings from financial statements can one make an enlighten decision.

Members Column Day: Attitude and Career

Dear FakeMike, I’m a 45-years-old change management specialist and I’ve been posted on a deep-space assignment where the firm has literally no presence. This comes following a meeting with the head of my BU where I challenged the firm’s way of doing things. My client totally ignores my recommendations and they just let me rot on this 3-year contract, it’s a government agency so they don’t really care. The director ignores my requests to be relocated elsewhere. What should I do? Olivia from Boston

Dear Liv, I’m truly sorry to hear you suffer from social redraw syndrome but let me assure you that your contribution to the bottom line is not ignored and you will be rewarded accordingly. Let me check here, well you did not bring much this year, hey I see here that you’ll be getting a 1% increase this Christmas, you’re one lucky gal.

You complain about loneliness when you should be asking yourself the following question: what have you done to increase our presence at this client? How are working hard enough? Are you coasting through this gig just to rake salary or are you thinking about the firm? Maybe your lonely presence over there is the end result of a long career where your ego – not the firm – took center stage. Your VP noticed that you ignored profitable growth and you did not integrate the firm’s DNA into your way of doing things, and as a result you were sent in the corner of the class.

Government gigs are reserved for subpar consultants, I hope you know that don’t you?

Brown nosing is probably not your cup of tea, this might explain why you’re not a director at your somewhat advanced age. You know, your skills are worth nothing if you cannot schmooze with your business unit top brass. How often did you e-mail your bosses about brilliant idea to dramatically increase revenues while lowering expenses by 5% ? How much free time did you give your BU this year? Let me check PSA here... well, let me just say you did everything for being unnoticed.

This I think it your problem, you’re one selfish little brat. Let me call your VP, I’ll make sure you stay there for a loooong time sweetie. Get used to the gloomy faces working next to you. And don't even think about sending your resume to your contacts, you'll get njoyned real hard..

You have questions about your career in IT consulting? Send your thoughts at fake mike roach at gmail dot com.

This is so not going to happen

There’s an old saying (circa 100 AD) that people just want “bread and circuses”, which is a metaphor for a superficial means of appeasement. In the case of politics, the phrase is used to describe the creation of public approval, not through exemplary or excellent public service or public policy, but through the mere satisfaction of the immediate, shallow requirements of a populace.

It’s been my experience that such craving for amusement has been transposed in large corporations where employees seek parties, freebies and free lunches instead of working.

In order to provide some kind of satisfaction to hard-working members, we created this “Star Performer Award” thing to reward less-lazy members who performed adequately. I mean, it’s really symbolic and it’s similar to your 1st grade teacher putting a red star sticker in your workbook because you managed to answer all the questions. I thought this kind of ceremony would be sufficient and employees would itch to get back to work to meet their BU sales target. How wrong I was.

With our upcoming Annual Tour 2010, I received a large number of circus-related requests from apparently mentally stable members. You could not believe all the ridiculous e-mails I got.

We should do a Rock Band contest during the annual tour

There is this weird tendency among young people to transpose whatever they are doing in their living room to the office environment. First, it was children picture on their desk, next it was casual dress, and now it’s full-blown entertainment at work in 1080i. I don’t see the point of this activity, I mean it’s not like I will go on stage and perform a song in front of other employees. For one thing, Rock Band does not have any song from Roy Rogers. I checked. Secondly, a singing CEO is likely to send a negative message to tight-ass institutional shareholders who view this kind of behaviour as a strong SELL signal. I don’t see myself performing humiliation rituals unless you serve me EDS for 5 cents a share, in which case shareholders can sit on it and spin.

My name is Rakesh from India and we plan to do a more ambitious dance than last year

Please, please, don’t remind me of this painful experience, my senses still hurt and I can’t eat Indian food without thinking about this freak show. Here’s the deal, I will send you Power Donna this year, I’ll stay home playing Scrabble with myself and I’ll let you rock with a senior VP. She likes this stuff. For a free demo, check her here at 1:01. I think she could fly if you asked her to.

Roach out.

The Future

Last Friday I was sitting in my office with a cup of coffee and I was looking through the window. It was a cold, rainy day in Montreal, a fierce wind was blowing and people walked quickly in the streets below, hanging on their umbrella for fear of having a bad hair day. Delivery trucks were blocking the few available parking spots. Fast moving grey clouds were caressing the sky, a few fearless birds were attempting to fly through cross-winds. Cold rain sprayed the windows like German machine guns on Juno beach. The whole scene screamed October.

Since it was the last day of the week, it was easy to guess what was going through the people’s mind. I must submit my time sheet before I leave, if not my manager will yell at me. Or Did my boss really notice how hard I worked this week? Or even I wonder if anyone will notice if I leave at 4pm?

It’s sometimes funny to think that a hundred years from now none of this will matter. We’ll add be dead for one thing, unless that crazy guy in Albuquerque manages to clone me for the benefit of future generations. I’ll give him a call after this post.

Some of the trees down below will still be there, some others will have died from old age. All the cars – even the newest ones – will be rotting in a junk yard 25 years from now. Your performance reports will be deleted just like you will be. Everything here is of transient nature, and chances are members who will be walking these streets in 2110 will have no knowledge of those whose feet walked the same sidewalk a century earlier.

Not that it matters really, lessons of the past are largely ignored by everyone. People are so consumed by their materialistic needs and limited view of the world that wisdom is out of fashion. Who has time to read Twain anyway these days? Take a Gen Y person and offer him to choose between a lifetime of wisdom and a PlayStation, you can bet your shirt the world will run out of consoles by lunch.

Or go scan recent comments posted by your Facebook “friends” and you will realize how shallow and empty most people are. I’m so bored right now. The opposite would be a total surprise. I drank way too much last night, you should see my bathroom. Don’t take this the wrong way, but no thanks. I love Lady gaga so much. Slim Whitman, Hank Williams, anyone? I’m having Cheetos right now. Really, how were you able to get those?

This is why I devote my existence to building a corporation that will outlive its annoying members and its pesky shareholders, and profitable growth is the key to the future. Future members might be able to visualize holograms of our 2010 Annual Tour in vivid details, all available in the intranet assuming IE6 does not live through the 22nd century. They’ll remember fondly the cozy college-like atmosphere when CGI was under 500,000 employees. I expect an extreme version of SERA to jack into our member’s brain through a wireless interface so we can monitor billable time by the second. Ah, the future.

For now, hard rain is falling but climatic adversity is just an inspiration for me. Let’s get back to work.

Members Column Day: IT and Stock Photos

Dear FakeMike, why is that every IT consulting Web site shows up 3 or 4 sharply dressed professionals looking at a single laptop in a large room full of windows? This is so fake, the reality is that IT consultants work in dimly lit offices. If I raise my head above my current cubicle, I don’t even see a window. I’m not talking about IT women wearing short skirts, this fantasy can only be found in stock photo databases... Roberto from Saguenay

Dear geek boy, I’m sorry to hear you’re surrounded by poorly dressed colleagues in an equally poorly designed office space, but I have to admit every IT company uses this cheap marketing trick to lure young people into our industry.

I mean, if we showed real consultants in a typical office space, we would only be able to attract blind and/or mentally unstable staff and/or people who alter their view of reality by injecting themselves with home-made stuff, therefore limiting our ability to pursue profitable growth.

This is why for one thing we pick stock photos where people stand or sit in an executive lounge on the top floor of a prestige building. Noboby works there in reality, it’s the CEO pleasure room and sometimes new and existing clients are invited there so we can fucking impress them. We also invite a few hack actor/actresses so we can take a picture for a future web site, but it usually lasts less than an hour.

As for IT women and their dress code, you should consider the perverse effect of short tube-shaped garment on your focus at work. Do you really think you can achieve your full potential when your co-worker wardrobe can cause significant distractions and physiological impacts?

When you’re thinking about typical textiles covering the female thighs, you’re not thinking about profitable growth and the current quarter, and you’re definitely not thinking about what you have to do before 5pm.

So you should consider yourself a very lucky man to be surrounded by unattractive colleagues. And since you don’t see what happens outside the building, you can easily lose track of time and indulge yourself in long days. Is it already 11pm? Well I was able to lower my to-do list, it was a great day! I’m sure people at the firm will notice my productivity level!

Do no thank me.

CGI and CGI

The downside of leading an organization with a 3-letter name is that confusion may easily arise unless you're the CIA or the FBI.

CGI is no exception. I can't say we answer the phone everyday to people expecting us to the Catholic Guides of Ireland, the Church of God International or the Coast Guard Institute. That happens, but it's rare. When such mistakes occur, I ask my secretary to transfer the call to my office and I let myself loose on a telephone prank.

But if there is one confusion that irritates me, it is the Clinton Global Initiative. Ever since Bill started this thing in 2005, medias have gone crazy. As a result, you will find plenty of news bits about CGI - not my CGI - but Bill's CGI. Such as this one, stating that CGI is "a carefully selected group of the world’s best minds and most distinguished problem-solvers".

Problem is, customers now expects CGI - my CGI - to solve their problems with a carefully selected group of consultants. Like I started before, top-shelf consultants are unavailable until 2031 but I have a few rookies on the bench that I'd be happy to lease you for $550 a day. Will they solve your problems? I can't say. Will they create more problems? Look, your shoes are untied.

So I thought I'd give Mr. Clinton a call and try to solve this naming issue.

I introduced myself to Bill and depicted CGI - my CGI - as a world-class organization looking to expand and deepen our business relationships with both new and existing clients on a global basis.

Bill goes, what? Who are you? What the fuck are you talking about?

I go, we're CGI Group, do you know our company?

Bill goes, yeah I've seen Toy Story 3 this summer, great flick by the way, I don't know how you guys did it but it was awesome. I liked the little green monsters.

I go, no we're not doing CGI, I mean computer graphics, we're an IT company in Canada, and CGI is a registered trademark.

Bill goes, you're an IT company, I see. Let me ask you a question while I have you on the phone. I want to buy a laptop for Chelsea and I've seen the iPad, it's really beautiful, should I buy her a Dell notebook or an iPad?

I go, Mr. Clinton with all due respect I called you because we have an important naming issue. The Clinton Global Initiative is getting confused with the activities of our publicly-traded company known for the strength of its cash generation ability combined with the significant and consistent growth in earnings per share.

Clinton goes, what? Look buddy I don't know to sound rude but can you get to the point? I think I'll go with the iPad for Chelsea.

I go, here the situation Mr. Clinton, our company is on the spotlight, Obama talked about our company recently, and we just acquired Stanley and we're up to 31 000 employees. We can't change our company name. But if you would agree to change yours to something like the Clinton Big Initiative, or Clinton Humongous Initiative, or even Bill's Big Thing, it would solve this 3-letter problem, don't you see?

Bill was quiet for a while, in fact a long while. The kind of silence that makes anyone uncomfortable.

I go, Mr. President, are you still with me?

Bill goes, yeah sorry I'm trying to place an order for an iPad on the Web, and this Verified by Visa thing is asking me for a fucking password. I'll have someone pick an iPad at the Apple Store. Anyway, sorry about that. So hell no we won't change the name of our organization, maybe you should change yours you know, at least our name means something. What does your CGI mean anyway?

I go, pardon my French, but …

Bill cut the conversation short and goes, don't get obscene with me pal, look I gotta go if you want me to speak at your shareholders meeting it's $200K a pop okay, nice talking with you, bye now.

And that was the end of it. Serge asked me later that day how the conversion with Clinton went, and I assured him that we had the most polite and meaningful exchange but the CGI confusion is there to stay. Sigh.

Not the sharpest knives

The average intellectual capacity of a typical human is grossly overrated, and in my opinion most management books fail to adress this fundamental issue before embarking into smart theories about how corporations can reach higher levels.

Bozosity is so present in our society that we fail to notice it unless we take some time and gain perspective. People are just plain dumb. It's probably why government works so well, it starts from the basic assumption that individuals are not smarter than the toothbrush they use. Most people can easily be led into false assumptions, dubious projects and unprofitable activities.

A group of smart people - which by definition is extremely small - does not need to be managed per se, their intellectual capacities are sufficient by themselves. This is why our founding fathers - Serge and André - were able to jumpstart this company and quickly build the foundation for an IT empire that could last a millennia.

As you want to increase the size of your company and augment revenues, you need to actually hire people to do the work while you sit in your office and sip Canadian Club while scanning your balance sheet. Problem is, the pool of "A" people is so small that you can't go very far before you hit a snag.

You compromise by hiring "B" people who are not so bad but are not as sharp as the First Ones. It's still manageable at this point, the company structure is lean but you spend some time in management activities that you would not spend otherwise if you had a team of aces.

As the company grows, you are faced with the dilemma of refusing potential profitable contracts or hiring lower grade employees. This is a turning point for many corporations. Even B-grade staff is not very common. When you interview C-grade and even lower grade candidates your mind struggles with the idea of accepting such life forms into your company. They require a heavy structure to operate, policies, guidelines, processes, forms, etc. This is a difficult situation to accept, but one night you work out the numbers and it makes financial sense to hire lower-grade staff even though you need to invest in HR and other unbillable personnel. Excel does not lie.

Once you crossed that river, nature takes its course and you can hire all kind of sub-prime people as long as you can bill them to a customer. You'll be amazed how much crap can be sold so easily, especially on the government side. They’ll ask for more! Your company structure can contains all those average and mediocre individuals, much like a bowl can handle solid food or liquid. Put a robust lid on top and you’re good to go.

Next week I'll discuss how to handle a mixed-bag of different people grade when it comes to middle management. Roach out.

Members Column Day: On Loyalty

Dear FakeMike, what is the difference between loyalty to CGI and strict obedience. - Anonymous from Montreal

Dear Chicken, you're asking me a tough question, I think I'll go hit a few balls to reflect on this one. But Serge hates it when I swing my club in the hallway, something about balls hitting customers visiting our office. If I see someone from Desjardins, I'll make sure I use my Big Bertha. Anyway.

Loyalty by definition is faithfulness or a devotion to a person, country, group, or cause. In other words and in perspective of a publicly-traded company, your must have faith that the company is doing the best for its shareholders. And to have faith means not asking too many questions.

Faith means ignoring harsh criticisms you might read on Glassdoor.com. Faith also means to accept mystery, and let me expand on that. We don't disclose some stuff to members for their own good, we release good news only and internal debate is not something we think is a productive use of time. Debating is like noise on the line, it removes clarity.

Let me take a cue from the Roman Catholic religion. When you look at the way Jesus managed his group of apostles, you'll learn several good lessons in management. It was a top down approach, he did not delegate healing power or important stuff. He did not ask John or Peter to argue over the role of the Holy Ghost. Judas tried to work as an independent contractor and look where this decision led him.

One might say that Jesus might have benefited from profitable growth, raising money to buy competing religions would have leveled the field and minimized quarterly loss of faithful due to religion wars. I can imagine the turnover rate was higher in the 2nd and 3rd century A.D.

Back to your question, obedience is just a quality that fits into a global loyalty framework. Never say no to your boss, always smile when something stupid comes your way. Follow orders like a good soldier. An IT consultant is just a nice name for a digital butler, serving its master and getting fulfillment from work well done.

And now get back to work.

On Terminating Employees

It's one of those situations that can be awkward, stressful, charged with emotions or simply matter-of-fact and easy to do. Terminating an employee is a process by which you drop an expense which largely offsets gain or potential gain. But before you accuse me of being a hardboiled accountant who sacks anyone on the bench after 20 days, I must admit that there are countless situations where an employee must be shown the door even though the numbers favor the firm strictly speaking. Humans are humans.

When you announce to someone that he/she will no longer be on the payroll, the reaction will depend on the individual personality, the gender and of course on the age of the person. This is where as an executive you divert the river of shit to HR and get the hell out as soon as you can. After all, you pay those social-science suckers to do this kind of bull.

When firing someone who is around 60, he/she will thank you for an early retirement opportunity, will get his/her boxes done and will take the next flight to Myrtle Beach. That's the easy case.

When firing someone who is 50, especially a low-ranking one, that person will quietly leave the office, go home and he will have a quiet dinner with his wife without announcing the news, and then go into the garage, sit in the car, start the engine, and then leave the car run without opening the garage door. Make sure Legal is on the battle deck to handle incoming litigations afterward.

For someone who is 40, that person will leave your office after the blow, go to his desk and will e-mail his friends asking "I've been fired, is there anyone you know who has an open position, will take a lower salary if necessary I have a wife, 3 kids to feed and a '94 Taurus". Expect that person to steal toilet paper on his way out.

For someone who is 30 or under, that person will take his smartphone while you talk to him, and he will post a message on his Facebook page about you being an old fart and that he's looking for a management position now he was acquired some much experience with your firm. He will then show you the smartphone screen where you can see how many of his on-line friends "like this". Kids can be cruel sometimes.

If the person - whatever the age - is a woman, make sure HR has a box of tissues with just one or two left. You don't want your remaining staff to endure an hour of pitiful cries leading to pointless observations and remarks, something a full box of tissue can trigger. The shorter the sniffing, the better.

I also found that having foreign people in HR is a big plus. People being fired will keep complaints to a minimum if the HR person on the other side of the table is non-expressive and barely speaks English. Please sign here. Thank you.

Power Donna To The Rescue

Yeah, we're behaving like good citizens hoping our goodwill will be noticed by some politicians with a large integration budget.

We sent Power Donna to the rescue recently, a senior VP is always more effective when it's time to ask employees for a donation. People feel important. Obviously Donna didn't have to put on rubber boots and dig the oil herself, she delegated this exhilarating experience to a few members on the bench whose pink slip is just days away.

In case you don't know Power Donna, she's at 0:13 on the CGI Magic reel. What people don't know is that she was looking at our financial statements displayed on the jumbo screen when we took that picture. God those numbers are so gorgeous.

Who Loves Ya, Baby?

When my assistant Natalie brought the existence of this site to me, my popularity was at 37%. At first, I thought "Wow I'm pissing off a lot of people, I must be doing a great job!". Being a CEO is not about making people happy. If you want to make people happy, go work for Happy Raymond. He's one jolly good fellow.

I was told by one of my director this morning that I was up to 60%. I went ballistic, "How the fuck is this possible, tell me, who's voting on this site, could a script be attacking Glassdoor.com to humiliate me?". The poor director liquified instantly in his wingtips, afraid that I would accuse him of wrongdoings. "Do I look like Mr. Nice Guy?" I screamed to the director whose blood pressure took a sharp turn.

"Tell me, is this the face of a CEO who gives fucking dividends to shareholders? Do I look like a fucking Santa who give hugs and bonuses? I've been told that my name sends waves of terror and uncertainty when I announce an upcoming visit to a business unit. Do I look like a fucking teletubby to you? Do I?"

The director - whose name escapes me - said something about unscientific data based on loosely-based voting system whose reliability could be compared to the psychological state of active Facebook users. In other words, crap.

I was furious. "What do these moronic Glassdoor users still say about me, that I'm doing great policies encouraging work/balance? Please don't tell me that"

"No, your Highness, members are more disgruntled than ever. Turnover rate is increasing steadily. Even Stanley employees are voicing frustrations. They complain things like Company revenues seems to be more important that customer satisfaction, or Managers don't listen to training requests and No Pension and not good compensation."

My furious face morphed to aw and wonder, my concrete-smashing fists relaxed to almost a Zen state, I think I even smiled.

"Really, my profitable members are saying this? You're not kidding me, do you? Man, my plan is working, it is really working!"

I then got up from my chair, went next to the director who still had the shakes, and I slapped him on the shoulder. "Good job, Rachid. Or Robert. Or whatever."

An intense feeling of joy and empowerment swept through my whole body. I felt so lightheaded to know that, I jumped on the table and proceeded to do the Profitable Growth Dance, something I l was initiated to in India against my will during our '09 Annual Tour. "I'm the king of the IT world" I shouted. I wished I had a lollipop.

I was so happy that I thought I should raise the workweek to 42 hours across the board. Or let members pay for their own parking spot. But my internal self-control reminded me of The Plan. Must execute the plan, I said. Diszipline, Meik, diszipline. I then exploded in a loud, sadistic laugh, rubbing my hands together. "The Plan, The Plan! If only they knew!"

When I looked at the director, I noticed that he went through self-combustion probably due to high stress, a pile of smoking ashes meshed with pin-stripped fabric was taking his place, the company pin sitting on top.

Can someone from HR get back to me with the name of this guy? And please, recycle the pin.

The Secret Dress Code

There are many unwritten rules inside an organization, but there is one at CGI that we constantly remind our members of.

Thou shall dress like the manager at the client site.

It means that if the manager wears a suit and tie, you must be dress in a suit and tie. Even if lower-ranking employees wear dirty jeans and sneakers, you must dress in a suit if the manager wears one.

I’ve been heavily criticized for this rule. Some members with little education on personal finance and money management claim something along of line of How can I dress like a manager doing $200 000 base salary plus $75 000 in bonus when I only make $35 000 with a $780 bonus?

Here’s a few ideas for clueless members. For one thing, a manager raking a quarter million dollar a year doesn’t mean he wears expensive clothing. You’d be surprised how many individuals favor cheap polyester shirts and bought most of their ties at a thrift store in 1982 (now closed). Sure, the manager is loaded and you feel frustrated that his level of competence is not in line with his salary package, but you have to focus on yourself.

So if the manager wears a cheap suit, you should wear a cheap suit yourself. Never overdress though. Ask for advice so that your clothes color do not clash with your client’s favorites ones. He enjoys beige and brown? Never wear a red or gold-colored tie, the client will feel inferior and castrated. He favors highly flammable fabrics that are now verboten for public safety? Check eBay for vintage clothes that were popular when Eric Estrada was at the top of his game. You should blend in like a chameleon.

If the manager looks like a hobo and sips from a bottle in a paper bag, wait a few days as he should be replaced by someone else. If the next one also looks like a hobo, it sends the signal that depravity is part of the organizational culture. So take a visual cue from the guys playing trombone at Place Ville-Marie and enjoy the world of ripped clothing for the duration of the project. What can I say, business is business.

If you client enjoys the good life and wears expensive stuff, like off-the-scale, do yourself a favor and go talk to Mario at Harry Rosen. He’ll get you a nice suit that will speak for you without having to milk your RESP account, you will be so well dressed that your deliverables will get a speedy approval. Sure, it’s more expensive than the stuff at Sears, but brown bag a sandwich for a few years and the suit will pay itself just like magic.

What if the manager is a woman? Do guys need to wear pantyhose?

Absolutely. And if the manager has a kinky fetish and she wants all her contractors to wear lingerie, you must take all necessary steps to make her happy so that our business relation is not impacted. Profitable growth will ensue.

Kenny Rogers giving hope to IT workers?

This is a short post intended to all whiners at CGI members who complain all the time about – well just about everything.

The news hit today: 2 miners are trapped in a 5 feet square space – smaller than a typical cubicle – 3,000 feet below the surface. The two guys managed to stay calm and they found common ground and shared their appreciation of Kenny Rogers music. “They’ve got air, they’ve got food and they’ve got water” said someone. It might take another 9 days before those 2 miners are taken out, and the state of their personal hygiene might kill those who rescue them but that’s not my point.

If you’re trapped in a doomed project where politics and neurosis drive the show, don’t play chicken with the train your way home. Think about those 2 miners. They’ve got air, they’ve got food and they’ve got water, so they have hope.

It the same with you. Except there’s no rescue party. And the firm is trying to extend you there for another 5 years. Your existence is mostly defined by our spreadsheet. And you don’t make the news, nobody would understand what the fuck you’re doing anyway.

You’ve got air, do you? Don’t be so gloomy. You might load tons on Kenny Rogers on your iPod, maybe that'll cheer you up. Now get back to work and bill the client for this 3 minute period.

Montreal's CGI completes Stanley takeover

We did it. I gotta say it took more time and efforts than initially planned, but now I’m proud to say that CGI has reach the 31,000 employees – I mean members – milestone.

Anyway, we’re dispatching a HR commando to Stanley’s former HQ to start the abduction process. A swat team of accountants is also on the way to seize all financial information that might have been left out during our due diligence process – I instructed our team NOT to have breakfast that morning, so everyone feels a bit edgy.

We learned a lot since we banged AMS back in 2003, our HR/accountant gladiators have been trained accordingly and it is my objective that the Stanley’s integration takes much less time. We need to process acquisitions faster, we can’t reach the profitable growth nirvana if we spend our days filling out paperwork.

I spent so much time with Stanley’s financials that I have become one with their numbers. We are so intimate now I can tell you how much each of their employees are making. Pop up a name, I’ll tell you their salary, how much was spent on training, how much each got last year. Serge thought I was joking and he put me to the test. John Kleine? $58 850 USD, $450 in training, got a 4% raise last year, billed $102 048.30 last financial year, $621.02 paid on expense reports. Denise Caufield? She’s fucking expensive, $95 120 but she’ll get no raise for the next 5 years – but don’t tell her that.

What doe John and Denis look like, asked Serge. I go, I don’t know but this is irrelevant. What matter is that – what’s their name again - will be part of our profitable growth plan, and their small contribution to our bottom line will fuel our next acquisition.

Speaking of which, I am meeting with bank officials this week to goose our credit line. I’m also thinking of issuing bonds yielding 0.05% that our members would be obligated to sell door to door like cult members. At night, not during normal business hour, I don’t want to impact our BU earnings. Look, I work for this great company and we need money to spread the profitable growth gospel, care to buy some great bonds to fuel our next merger?