Nope, we're not there

The Canada's Top 100 Employers project is a national competition to determine which employers lead their industries in offering exceptional workplaces for their employees. The 2012 winners were announced on October 7, 2011 in The Globe and Mail.

As may notice, Accenture and KPMG are there, but your beloved company is not on this year's list.

As a matter of fact, CGI was among the winner in 2006 and before, and yours truly is to blame. I was weak, sometimes it happens, and I took drastic measure to ensure the "exceptional workplace" would be a thing of the past. I called the head of each business unit, inquiring about frivolous activities, perks, minutes paid that are not billable to a customer, anything that impacts the bottom line. One BU leader dared to tell me that he was bringing a box of Krispy Kreme doughnuts every Friday so that this staff could schmooze over company-paid coffee and company-paid fried pastries. In fact, he was eating one as he spoke to me.

I went ballistic.

Rumors go that this guy never ate a doughnut since '06, even at home. He claims they give him cramps ever since.

Guess what, on Dec 29th 2006 - the year CGI was among those Top 100 employers, our stock closed at 8.13. As of now, it trades at 18.82. We cleaned the barn, and our spreadsheets are now spotless.

Who's right, that wimpy contest from the Globe and Mail for weak people-oriented companies, or my iron-clad balance sheet that keep pushing upward our stock price ?

You decide. Well, not really, but you get the idea.

One more reason to long GIB.TO

I always advise CGI members to stay on proven ground and to stay away from exotic temptations, whether it is exciting new technologies, unbelievable job offer and even trendy and hip clothes.

Here's one more thing to add to your internal check list: personal investments.

Some people are just plain weird, they work their ass off to rake a few dollars and if they resist the socially-acceptable urge to blow their disposable income on electronic gadgets, they throw themselves into the arms of the closest Investors Group representative. The conversation usually goes like this:

Dumb customer: I want to make money, I don't know jack about investments nor do I have any interests in learning, therefore I want to trust you since you have a nice suit or your office is way better than mine.

Smart representative: I'm happy to welcome you as a new gullible client as it will increase my personal bonus even I make you loose money, in which case I'll blame the markets and/or Bernanke. How many of your friends and relatives are as clueless as you? Are they on Facebook as well?

Dumb customer: Well, I want to make money. I listened to one guy on the radio saying ETFs are a good strategy. What's an ETF? Hold your answer, I won't be able to understand the lingo anyway, here's a fat check.

Smart representative: What a happy coincidence, our company has just released a truckload of synthetic ETFs, from the same smart people who designed fabulous CDOs in 2007. May I interest you with our latest leveraged ETF? It is actively managed, meaning the guy in charge spends an awful lot of time playing golf to hear rumors. I could forward you the link but since you're low-watt bulb in IT I'm afraid the PDFs thick with obscure wording and acronyms might make you feel awfully inferior and humiliated. Let me take your check.

Dumb customer: Thanks, I already feel better.

Smart representative: So am I.

If you have at least half the mental capability of a lobotomized donkey, you should open a trading account and buy decent stocks for the long run, like GIB. It won't make you a millionaire, it will never pay a sinful dividend, but it will keep you safe from the non-sense out there.

CGI trades slightly below $20, down from its peak at $24.30, you should act now if I were you. P/E around 11, how many deals like this can you find today?

Plus, owning more GIB will make you a better member, so happiness is a by-product.

On "leadership adjustment"

Power Donna is retiring, but we'll keep her warm and toasty on our board of directors while you are on the bench awaiting for the sword to cut your sorry little neck. Congrats to whoever wrote this press release, "leadership adjustment" is a fantastic euphemism. I'll try to use it next time.

Roach out.

Socialist admits to "moral failing" and "dyed eyebrows"

Members know that I'm fairly suspicious of socialists and other deviants, particularly those in Quebec because they don't call themselves socialists nor to they refer publicly to the work of Karl Marx.

Yet, once again, a rich socialist makes a fool of himself by dropping his pants in front of an ugly right-wing maid hoping she would become righteous, only to discover she's totally nuts and she sues the hell out of him.

What is this thing with socialists, they are so full of themselves they can't understand the world doesn't walk their way. If they can't convince you about their dogma, they fuck your brain out, is that it? And because they paint themselves with socialism in front of a camera, it somehow makes them more human and full of remorse. Dude, I can tell you're full of it, but not remorse.

It stinks.

This is where your future lies

This video is part of our new internal training program to infuse company values deep in the core of our members, in other words, this is how we do a mindfuck internally. This one is why we outsource stuff to Bangalore and you loose your high-paying job in Montreal.

Every ingredient of a successful recipe is there:

The hot blonde at 0:20 with a tight-fitting red blouse, the kind that you never ever see in a project. After the rest of the crew join her in fast forward (to depict how efficient we are), notice how one of the guy at her right checks his watch just to appear important. So clichéed it hurts, but what can I say it works.

The meeting-that-appears-to-be-fun at 0:30 because one guy throws a paper plane for no obvious reason and the crowd cheers him as if they didn't know that aircrafts do exist in this century. And into the previous as well. What can I say, Bangalore members are easily amused.

The older dude at 0:48 that is being reminded that gravity is a terrible force but his co-workers are there to support him at any time. What the grey-hair Sanji doesn't know yet is that he has a one-on-one appointment with HR at 4:30 because he's been on the bench for a while, and well let's just say tomorrow morning he'll be able to play with gravity all my himself without a safety net.

As for the "neo office" terms, I've been told it might be interpreted as a reference to sci fi movie I don't know jack about, but it was a good reference because the steak tastes good at CGI. Whatever.

So before you whine to your director about your perks and your profit sharing, go check how happy your colleagues are in Bangalore. They literally became one with profitable growth. They even dance for free, more on that later.

Go get one.

I don't consider myself a material guy, I don't boost my ego by purchasing expensive cell phones nor do I brag about my fishing rods when I attend a board of directors, although the rod could be handy to remind some directors to pay more attention.

Yet, if there is one small thing I truly I enjoy it is my collection of HP 12c calculators. I still have the first one I bought in '82 (it's broken, sadly enough), I have a 2003 Platinum edition in my car at all time, I have a 20th anniversary edition on my night stand in case I woke up at night with nightmares of red ink, there is a 25th anniversary edition in my home office, there's even a standard 12c in the bathroom for those long minutes where there's nothing to do, and I had a few over the years at the office that show intense wearing after a couple of years, much like good shoes those little guys can handle abuse but after a while you need to consider a replacement.

Truth is, CGI would not be standing where it is today if I had not been using a 12c day and night. When I purchase a suit at Harry Rosen, the first thing I check is whether or not the 12c fits into the jacket's pocket - it always does, but I did encounter a sport jacket once in '98 that had a pocket so small the 12c was not at ease. Harry took notice and returned all those jackets to the manufacturer with a stern note that they had serious defects usually associated with subpar Chinese factories and not to bother him again with this kind of crap. What can I say, this guy is a class act.

So back to the 12c, I learned this morning that they plan to release a 30th anniversary edition. No, I didn't check HP's Web site, I got a VIP invitation from HP to attend the official launch in California. After what I said last month about Hewlett Packard, I think I ow them an apology. They really worked on this one. The VIP package contained a 12c-themed fleece jacket, a pack of golf ball with the 12c logo on it, a large coffee mug featuring all the keys found on the 12c, as well as a 12c leather document portfolio.

If you care about having a place in this world, this is the kind of item you need on your desk. It doesn't play MP3 files nor does it run game apps, so other CGI members will notice that you are taking your work very seriously.

Slackers do not go for the 12c.

Listening to music at work

There are a lot of things I don't understand in this world, one of which is the desire for IT workers to listen to music while doing their tasks.

How can you work efficiently and contribute to profitable growth while performing two parallel tasks that are in no relation to one another? How come listening to some drug-addict guitarist helps you develop better Web applications? To me, this is just baloney, IT workers are just looking for a way to fake work because you can't perform while listening to weird lyrics that don't make sense.

I talked about this with Natalie my assistant who seem more in-tune with that youths are doing than myself.

I said to her, how would you react if I was to bring my Slim Whitman LPs at work and I would listen to his yodelling while thinking about the best strategy to improve our upcoming quarterly earnings?

Nathalie had a blank look on her face, Slim who?

Never mind, I said.

Truth is, music is a distraction that keeps on demanding, listening to music at work is a sure sign you're not focused and you don't give a shiitake about what the client expects from you.

I asked Natalie for the name of an artist who is "hip" nowadays with youths, she advised me to look for a certain Justin Bieber. Who the fuck is Justin Bieber, I replied.

Natalie answered, that's what Ozzie asked, that's funny.

I go, Ozzie who?

Anyway, I googled some lyrics about this supposedly cool artist, just in case there might be a nugget of wisdom in the crap he sings. Here's what I found:

You see I never thought that I could walk through fire

I never thought that I could take a burn

I never had the strength to take it higher

Until I reach the point of no return

How unimpressive. This youth claims he's basically fireproof, why might be a strong asset if you send your resume to the city fire department.. But then, they may take you up to the challenge and let you nap in the furnace. If you look closely, you'll notice that this was written in the past tense, suggesting that the prepubescent douche bag was inflicted with severe burns afterward. Sadly enough, he was not wounded enough and he was able to record a song.

Painful, this is just painful.

What are you listening to at work? And mostly,. why do you listen to music?

Death of the DouchePad

One of the finest pleasure I experience in the workplace is to witness early adopters of immature technology. They behave like kids, my therapist would say there's a transference process between the device and the owner.

When these bozos buy the latest gadget, they quickly tour the office and demo whatever crap they bought to showcase how forward-thinking they are compared to other CGI members. They won't hesitate to pay $500 with after-tax money on some piece of electronic that won't improve their personal productivity, won't help them get laid and definitely won't bring any new revenues to the corporation. When asked about how great their new gizmo is, they invariably look upward and claim that 10 years from now whatever thing they just acquired will be common yet much more powerful and will help solve all kinds of tough problems like world hunger and socialism.

Such scenes are irritating, because these assholes keep bugging you and you loose precious billable minutes to listen to something so irrelevant you have to excuse yourself to go to the bathroom to break the conversation.

The fun part though, is witnessing that same early adopter deflate slowly and painfully when "their" technology is discarded by the market.

Case in point, HP killed the TouchPad less than 2 months after its introduction and more or less announced the death of webOS, the "fantastic" technology they got from Palm. It's an epic fail, what was HP's board of directors doing all this time? Check this out, you don't want these guys sitting on YOUR board, they'll steer your company into a major ditch.

Any meth-smoking dropout living on the street would have told you the Palm acquisition and the release of the TouchPad was doomed to fail since from a strategic standpoint the product had the same price and no real benefits compared to the market leader the iPad.

Following the press release, on-line retailers started a "fire sale" to get rid of uncool TouchPads at a 80% discount.

So back to our gizmo luminaries, this was a major blow to their ego and on Monday they were acting as if their spouse had dumped them over the week-end. Long face all over, the gadget that acted a social enhancer the previous week is hidden during meetings, since owners do not want to face questions such as Oh yeah, that was the device that got axed last Friday, how does that make you feel now? How much did you pay? How about future upgrades?

Dear members, this is yet another proof that you work for the best company in the world. Since we don't invest money in - just saying the word is painful to me - R&D, you are secured from the pest of hardware and software development. Others put the shareholder's money at stake in risky ventures, and we - the service people - just harvest the mature technologies that our ultra-conservative clients pick.

If you want to impress folks in a meeting, don't use a fucking DouchePad to express your thoughts in less than 140 characters. Get your HP 12c out of your jacket and crunch numbers in RPN, that will definitely grab my attention in a positive fashion.

Pardon my French

One reader was kind enough to remind me of this priceless quote from Happy Raymond and included the link above.

As we're watching Greece, the U.S. and other deficit-prone countries spiral toward their financial death, it's comforting to remind ourselves that Curly and his financially-challenged ministers are in the driver's seat.

Ain't got no place to lay your head

Government creditors came and took your bed

Don't worry, be happy

Standard & Poors say your rent is late

They may have to litigate

Don't worry, be happy

Member's Column Day: Cheer me up

Dear FakeMike, I'm back on the job after a 3-week vacation and I'm feeling awfully depressed here in my non-descript cubicle using my underpowered PC. My whole job is so pointless. The client hates us yet he gives the firm a 2-year contract to do what his own employees are unable to do. Can you cheer me up? Christian from Montreal.

Dear Phil, look at it this way. You could be crushed on your way home by a concrete block on a tunnel because the government has ignored for the past 30 years that infrastructures require maintenance. Best case, you die instantly in your rusty Corolla. Worst case, you live but are permanently disabled and you spend the rest of your life watching reality shows and infomercials while chewing your pain medication.

It can always be worse.

You had a 3-week vacation? Who authorized this? I'm spending my summer at the office plotting our path to profitable growth until 2050 and you fucking complain to me that you are feeling kinda blue after 21 days of non-billable time? Maybe I should hit your fat butt with my latest Callaway club, that would wake you up.

I'm sorry, short temper here, I'm breathing slowly now. I loosen my grip around your virtual neck because I am a nice guy. Well that's what my therapist told me to do, he must be right, eh?

I know how you must be feeling, you checked in this morning and felt like you didn't belong in this world because your IT job is so meaningless you have a hard time explaining to your non-IT relatives what you do for a living. You check your e-mails every few minutes hoping something exciting comes along, but all you get is reminders that your time sheets has not been submitted yet.

You then check your watch, hoping that lunch time will be more interesting that the crap that awaits you in your inbox.

You daydream about your next week-end.

You pick up your iPhone and shop for a vintage motorcycle because unlike your PC it's not blocked by BlueCoat. You can't afford anything but shopping for toys is less boring that what the client expects you to perform. Or you surf IMDB for trivial information about obscure TV shows that you enjoyed in the 80's.

You call a few friends and gossip about things, you partially feel alive when you talk to some real people, not the drones working next to you.

Then lunchtime comes and you have produce nothing yet the time was billable. You meet some other unproductive friends at White Castle and you wolf down a couple of sliders and complain to each other about how bored to death you are.

You then spend your afternoon faking work, going 5 times to the men's room to play Angry Birds and using your iPhone extensively even though you topped your bandwidth for the month. And yes, all your apps are up-to-date, that didn't change from earlier today.

If this is an accurate portrait of your typical day, then rest assured dear member this is very typical of all IT workers.

I hope I cheered you up. Now get back to work and do what you're told.

Born to be mild

I find it hard not to call HR every day and remind them that the key to a stable workforce is to attract people with low ambitions. Don't get me wrong, success comes hardworking smart people, I'm not talking about hiring low-watt people with the IQ of a toothbrush here.

Having said that, there's a fine line between being smart and being obnoxious, and from my experience it's important to apply a fine filter during interviews to screen out potential pains-in-the-butt.

Let me give you an example, I was interviewing a guy in his 20's this morning for an internal position. He had a piercing over his left eyebrow, and the stone reflected the sun coming from the window in such a way that I was hosed by a rainbow of photons as he tilted his head. 10 degrees left, the spectrum shifted from red to yellow. Very distracting, I wondered what kind of psychological problems pushed him to perforate his eyebrow. His personal issues - although probably manageable for now - might lead to long term disabilities and heavy medication, 10 years down the road, something I'm not willing to pay.

And then my mind drifted to what might be the cost of this piercing, and how this money could have been used to buy a few shares of GIB.TO. Like I said, it was distracting.

Despite his fringe appearance, this Gen Y had a solid resume full of obscure technologies that I don't jack about but for which customers are wiling to pay a premium.

The interview was going well when I tossed the question "Where do you see yourself 10 years from now?" Usually people freak out or they answer a great line of bullshit where they hope to contribute to even greater projects and have more "fun" doing it. Like if.

The guy hesitated from a mere second before answering "Well you know I'd like to be CEO someday when you'll retire, I really see myself in your position. Being autocratic is one sure to score in life, isn't it?"

HR told me later that day that I had voided the warranty of the document shredder in the room since I had used it for a purpose fundamentally different from the one it was designed for. And it could obviously not be repaired. Oh, well.

Point is, you want to hire mild-mannered yet brilliant people who are so afraid of climbing the corporate ladder that they experience real physiological vertigo when you talk about "increased responsibilities". Those candidates should be convinced that the glass ceiling is so thick that it would take a handful of lifetimes and nuclear devices to get through it. With enough bureaucratic defence in place, people will start working instead of dreaming of a sunny future with a corner office and a bombshell admin.

People with immoderate ambitions are bound to fragment their focus, therefore lowering their productivity which is bad. When an employee think about his career, he's not thinking about how to solve deep IT infrastructure problems, therefore he's not contributing to profitable growth, and therefore he's not worthy. And those who are not worthy well we all know how they end.

Are you worthy? Then get back to work now.

If Buffett's having a million-dollar lunch, so am I

I had a crazy idea this morning that got me so excited that I almost sang "We're in the money" in my shower. I hate those days, and let me tell you why.

My idea of a perfect working day is stability, predictability and the pleasantly feeling that CGI is on the rising slope to financial greatness. I hate ups and downs, because you loose precious energy negotiating all the sharp turns. Let me give you an example.

If you start your working day all giddy up and totally sure to receive a $5000 bonus from your director at lunchtime, you're bound for deception as you learn you were given a generous $2000. Especially if you drop by that expensive audio store on the way to lunch where you go for discretionary illogical spendings.

If you were heading for lunch hoping to get $1900 and you get $2000, then you get back to work on a positive note looking to build more profitable growth for the company. It's all about managing expectations.

I had this crazy idea this morning as I was going through my bowl of Corn Flakes that I could set up a business lunch in Buffett's fashion and make people pay lump sums of hard cash to hear my wisdom. If Warren can do it, well why not yours truly? This money would of course be fedexed to our corporate account to boost our next earnings. And I could repeat this eat-a-sandwich-for-a-million-with-me every quarter, I'm sure financial analysts would be impressed.

It would be a very frugal lunch of course, something from the deli across the street with tap water. Who wants a 5-martini lunch anyway, any advice you'll be given will be totally forgotten by the time to excuse yourself for a long pause at the men's room, and I'm not picking your dry cleaning bill afterward.

By 10:00am I was sure I had the greatest idea since Serge created this company.

By 10:04am I realized that this idea was deeply flawed and my excitement crashed like a greek governance bank account.

Profitable growth is wisdom that you can share with the public at a superficial level. People know what you're up to, but they don't quite know the secret to get there. It's like the Caramilk thing. So having an unknown party for lunch and opening my kimono on secret internal strategies to build profitable growth… well it would be faster to wire money to our competitors, wouldn't it?

By 10:15 I was so depressed by my own stupidity that I read a couple of 10-Qs from last financial year to try to cheer me up. Since that didn't do, I crashed into my CFO's office and grilled him on a couple of topics. Even that didn't do.

So it was a bad day. Shame on me for thinking so foolishly.

Do as I say, don't do as I do

This kind of bogus wishful thinking lights a fire under my profitable butt. The Financial Post had this to say about Curly's administration:

The Quebec government, desperate to head off a looming collapse of household finances when interest rates rise, has tabled a bill that would force credit card holders to boost their monthly payments and settle their debts faster.

When you read this at a first level, this all makes fucking perfect sense, don't it? Let's spin the table 180 degrees for a second and let's re-write the sentence the other way around, let's see:

The Quebec citizens, desperate to head off a looming collapse of government finances when interest rates rise, has tabled a bill that would force the Quebec government to boost their monthly payments and settle its debt faster.

It's like Keith Richards in 1977 exiting a smoke-filled trailer filled with giggling chicks asking you to drop booze and drugs to live a healthier life with broccoli and running a 5K. Dude, c'mon.

When I hear things like "overconsumption", I don't think about this guy who buys a 60" plasma a 10-pound pickle jar at Costco, I am thinking about government creating new agencies of dubious use staffed with hundreds if not thousands of unionized-with-lifelong-retirement-package. This my friends is overconsumption of public funds, and eventually it will shatter the fabric of the universe and create a wormhole that will swallow the entire civilization. 2008 was just a quick dry run.

Let's continue reading shall we:

There has been a persistent unease among Canada’s economic and political leaders over the past year about the level of indebtedness of Canadian households.

Let's swivel the table one more time, it's so fun:

There has been a persistent unease among Canada’s taxpayers over the past year about the level of indebtedness at the federal, provincial and municipal level.

I e-mailed this article with a few reversed-sentences like this to my dear friend Happy Raymond who's the financial Houdini of Quebec.

Raymond was quick to reply with a note that says "Everything is under control". Probably an automated response message.

This cancer has attacked not just this location, but elsewhere too. U.S. Treasury bonds are not worth the electronic text on which they are written

Investors who have been betting on Treasuries are destined "to get cooked like frogs in an increasingly hot pot of water," the well-known bond bear told attendees at a Morningstar Investment conference in Chicago.

Bill Gross, who manages the $235 billion Pimco Total Return Fund (PTTAX), said real interest rates, which remove the effect of inflation to measure the actual yield an investor receives, have fallen into negative territory. He pointed out that Treasury inflation-protected securities with a maturity of 5 years are trading at a yield of -0.5%

What's your credit score, Raymond?

Let me get back to building wealth.

I beg to differ

I am laughing all the way to the bank when I post my quarterly earnings, and even my banker grins from seeing my very rational exuberance. Don't worry dear members, your CEO is not about to derail and launch of series of unprofitable initiatives to satisfy some personal urge.

Groupon's founder Andrew Mason opens the filing with a letter addressed to "potential stockholders" sharing his business philosophy: "Life is too short to be a boring company."

Note to Mason: Take it from a seasoned CEO, stockholders are interested in return on investments, they don't give a fuck if you manufacture toilet seats for small dogs or develop hot games for the PlayStation. Your company may be boring, but if individual stockholders and institutional investors are happy then there is no boredom whatsoever.

Writing about the roller-coaster ride his company has been on since launching three years ago, Mason warns that Groupon's path will have "twists and turns, moments of brilliance and other moments of sheer stupidity." The company may make financial sacrifices in pursuit of "ambitious bets on our future that distract us from our current business."

I'm sure institutional investors will be thrilled to learn that the Groupon's CEO is looking forward to a bipolar-style of management and to moments of sheer stupidity and that he will actively work to distract itself from its core business. I can imagine the discussion:

Retirement fund manager: Johnson, have you heard about the latest's stunt at Groupon?

Johnson: no sir, what's happening, is Mr. Mason is on path to hand-kill animals just like Mr. Zuckerberg is doing?

Retirement fund manager: He just blew $500 million dollar to build a hanger-size freezer to rebuild the polar cap. Johnson, do you think we should invest our hard-won retiree pension money in Groupon? Should we speculate on this opportunity?

Johnson: I'd invest our stash of money in CGI, stellar earnings, low P/E, conservative management and the founder is still on board. CEO says he's looking to expand and deepen relationships with new and existing customers, whatever that means.

Retirement fund manager: Go ahead, buy a couple of millions shares.

Dear members, if you think for a second about sending your resume to Mr. Mason, think about the upcoming scar in your resume. Groupon is the next Webvan. Or the next Pets.com if you wish. Great expectations, but they are the latest fad and they will vanish a couple of years from now. Remember Pointcast and Marimba?

Dressing for summertime

It's the same fucking problem year after year after year. As the warmer days of springs knock on our doors, there is this uncontrollable tendency especially in young men and woman to dress with questionable pieces of clothing in the office.

And each year, as we move closer to the summer equinox, HR feels obligated to remind the youngsters that summer dresses, camis, and Hawaiian shorts are not precisely compatible with our line of business and could potentially impact our financial quarter. If we don't do anything, the whole office will look like the set of a Daytona spring break.

Can you imagine the conservative CIO of one of our client, let's say in the financial services industry with billions in assets, watching with horror as unshaved consultants dressed in a Tommy Bahamas fashion troll in the hallway with their flip-flops making squeaky sounds?

Holy Mackerel, I thought for a second that I was back in the Hamptons in July. Who are those guys anyway? Consultants? They wear yellow bermudas for Pete sake. I can't believe it, what is the name of the consulting firm? See jee what? Well I'll be damned if I don't sack them right now, Charlene hold my calls for an hour, I need to blow some steam.

Next thing you know, we miss earning estimates by 10 cents because of a single individual's inappropriate choice of wardrobe.

I once thought of imposing a corporate uniform but HR told me this might lead to unions, so I dropped the ball. But I kept some sketches on file just in case.

Nevertheless, I strongly advise you to dress for business, and business does not mean renting umbrellas on the beach.

Wearing a 3-piece suit is never overdressed no matter what line of work you do, even during blistering hot summer days in downtown Montreal where women stilettos leave deep dents in the asphalt on St-Denis.

The conservative CIO will be highly impressed to see you reviewing the firewall rules if you're dressed sharply without being provocative.

This young man here reminds me of myself when I was in my 20's, boy does this bring back fond memories when I was working for RBC. A tie every day, starched collar. Charlene, what is the daily rate of this gentleman here? How much? Sweet Mary, this is so cheap it is insulting. Call the consulting firm and say we'll pay 40% more for keeping this sharply-dressed lad. And we're extending him, we can't afford to lose previous resources like him. I should present him to my daughter too.

So ditch your North Face wardrobe today and get yourself some decent summer clothes that will speak for you and the firm. Call Harry, tell him I send you. And please don't act like some of your friends who buy shirts 4 size too small, you need to breathe.

Roach out.

Harold Camping fucked the faithful

Back in August, I warned you that the end-of-the-world-as-we-know-it was a hoax. Despite my warnings, some members just went nuts and announced their resignation on May 20th. Since the so-called rapture would have occurred over the week-end and the nice persons would take a short non-stop flight to the Pearly Gate and the subpar souls would suffer hell until the termination of Earth on Oct. 21st.

Interestingly enough, those same members came back on Monday morning and tried to act like their religious delusion never happened. It was just funny, it was an invitation to tease them.

Note to self: those members will gladly accept a 0% raise on their yearly meeting. Ask HR to come up with a catchy paragraph that says something like You're a total douchebag and as a result we'll assign you to difficult projects where you'll get waked.

And in case you've not noticed, Harold screwed the whole camping and then some, rumor goes that this snakeoil salesman from God has a personal fortune of $18M.

Camping The First should have learned from the industry best practices that profitable growth works best when the business model is a sustainable one. True, the sucker is 89 years old and he could blow a valve anytime. But still, this con artist should have learned from best-of-class dickheads such as Ron Hubbard whose organization still screws the faithfuls after his death.

That my friend is what separate the street thiefs from grand criminals. Harry the Happy Camper is just a wimp, a man of limited intellect who ensured that his credibility was bar none by predicting the end of the world too soon.

If CampyHarry had 2 once of brain, he'd announced the destruction of the world at least 100 years from now, therefore ensuring a steady stream of clueless donations from believers. Thanks to compounding interests and shrewd investments such as this great Canadian IT company on the TSX (wink, wink), he could have built a lasting empire.

Better yet, he could have built a legitimate front to his organization, I don't know like IT consulting (totally random choice) where the faithful do something even more profitable. You know the world's about to end, instead of going berserk and blowing your savings account on a stupid billboard next to the highway, do your family a service and bring a paycheck home in the meantime. If the rapture takes place sooner, we'll send you an SMS.

Watch Harry as he prepares an escape before Oct 21.

Facebook CEO on a killing spree

Sorry guys, I know I'm failing to meet basic expectations here, but a CEO job leaves little room for spare time - unlike a director job where you have all those free minutes to yourself between midnight and 4 am.

But you could thank me once in a while ya know, CGI trades north of $21 and we're posting stellar quarters. Profitable growth… does that ring a bell? There you are.

Anyway, I read with amusement about Zucky the 27-years old CEO who apparently set a personal challenge to slit the throat of live pigs and goats while insulting them in Mandarin. I'm sure Mr. Piggy was deeply honoured to be butchered by the Facebook CEO and that he posted a comment like "Friends, I'm going offline for now, today's a good day to die" and all his porcine friends "liked it". Oh, well.

Friends, this is what happen when you're going off the rail at such a young age. I'm talking about Zuckerberg here, not Mr. Piggy. I already told you that money was bad, well your in your hands anyway, because most people are not mature enough to handle wealth. Zucky's a billionaire under 30, and he's so bored of running Facebook that he gets a kick by slaughtering protein-rich animals. I don't want to know what happens in his bedroom, folks.

Me, I like to pay a visit to my friend the butcher in Westmount and he runs some his jokes by me because he knows I'm a tough nut to crack. I don't get blood on my white shirt in order to feed myself, that's the whole point of having a butcher. Can you imagine the smell of a dead pig in the trunk of my Mercedes, it would be enough to void the warranty.

I think Zucky suffers from a deep paranoia of joining the 27 Club, and as a result he throws himself in all sort of questionable challenge to prove himself he's a manly man. What will be his challenge in 2012 ?

If Zucky had been fortunate enough to work as an IT consultant for CGI, he wouldn't do such questionable challenges because he'd know there are better things to do. Like learning .NET, or supporting Notes servers, you know like REAL challenges. Running a knife on a goat's throat takes less than 30 seconds, that's a cheap thrill. Even Ozzie would not be impressed.

But implementing SAP in a dysfunctional organization, that my friend is the kind of challenge for the braves. I'm thinking about creating a special team at CGI much like the SEALs, where hardened specialists are trained for unconventional IT setups, infrastructure reconnaissance, terror-oriented management and project rescue. They won't come cheap. More on that later.

So Zucky go have fun with chickens while we adults do real work.

Filtering the Web for your own good

I was present at a CEO gathering in Toronto earlier this month and after the formal presentations in the afternoon that caused everyone to enter Stage I sleep, a bunch of us walked across the street to an Irish bar where we had a few and exchanged about current events - such as Komrade Duceppe tanking in the polls these days - but most importantly how we can enforce more control on our employees.

One topic that generated a lot of talk is why and how we should filter Internet access to prevent employees to loose precious billable time. 20 years ago it was difficult to squander a full hour by playing with an IBM Selectric unless you had ambitions to become the next Stephen King. But today anyone can log on to the network and spend half a day shopping for high-end speakers, learning about Lindsay Lohen latest arrest or inquiring about the psychiatric profile of your "friends" on Facebook. All of which cannot be billed to a customer and do not add to our profitable growth mission, therefore it serves no purpose.

As a result, organizations are relying on productivity-enhancement software such as WebSense and BlueCoat to restrain the human tendency to constantly procrastinate. If one cannot access his favorite fly-fishing Web site, then he might get back to work and actually deliver something. You'd guess only Gen Y slackers indulge on this, but it's not the case. Even boomers do it, they'd rather configure a Lexus on the Web than do real work.

The tricky part is determine what categories of sites are verbotten and which ones are suited for billable work. Some CEOs around the table obviously sporting liberal viewpoints favored an "open" environment where only hardcore stuff was filtered.

This is the kind of 2-edge sword that I don't want to bounce back. Being open is an invitation for total disaster, and being highly restrictive is just asking to be bugged 20 times a day with requests to "unlock" specific sites.

Me, I'm not too sure on what my position should be, and this uneasy feeling scares the beejesus out of me. I should be more assertive. My therapist says people gearing toward their late 50's & early 60's are more mellow, they're not trying to make a case of everything. I'm on mission to prove otherwise. Older Mike will be nastier than Youthful Mike. Yet, I have my share of doubts, but don't tell anyone.

Dear members, you input is appreciated nevertheless. Damn I hate to feel like this.

Komrade Duceppe and the Legion of Canadian Communists

A few members have dared to poll me recently about my political views in the light of the upcoming federal election.

Needless to say, I am a man of conviction and as long as CGI can pursue relentlessly profitable growth I will be a very happy CEO. Having said that, the man pictured above gives me the creeps and reminds me that we should move our headquarter to a more sensible place like Bay Street where business is not treated on such an emotional level.

Meet Komrade Gilles Duceppe, leader of the Bloc Quebecois, a political party on the federal scene whose goal is to act like a separatist provincial party.

Look at him. If you were the casting director of Silence of The Lambs, you'd kick Hopkins out of his trailer and give the lead role to this guy without talking to legal first.

Look at him again. Tell me honestly that you don't see a radical, short-tempered man that reminds you of a certain early 20th century European dictator. Draw a short mustache on your screen. Get it, now?

Look at what Wiki has to say about him: In his youth, he advocated communism, and held membership in the Workers' Communist Party of Canada (WCP), a Maoist group. Duceppe later claimed that his three-year membership in the WCP was a mistake brought on by a search for absolute answers.

Communism? Maoist organization? Absolute answers? Does it sound like deja vu to you? This why I call these bozos and their provincial counterparts the Blue Commies, they are trying to reinvent what the Bolsheviks did a hundred years ago, except their message is more subtle this time. This what the post-war marketing brought, more insidious ways to plant political ideas into the minds of citizens. Goal is the same, but Komrade Duceppe thinks he's way smarter than Vladimir and Joseph. I'd pay a hundred bucks to see what's on the wall of his home office.

Duceppe even went so far as to intentionally spoil his 1980 sovereignty-association referendum ballot arguing that Québécois should instead focus their efforts on staying united to fight their common capitalist enemy.

Common capitalist enemy? Ok, my mind is made up. Put this guy in charge of the country, and he would nationalize CGI, kill all outsourcing and consulting deals with capitalist countries (er, that means 99.9% of our business) and probably shove a powerful union down our throat to add insult to the injury. He might ban Windows as well and come up with a government-built OS, who knows what these wackos are capable of.

Next time you meet one the Bloc minion at the grocery store and he/she wants to shake your hand in order to get your vote, ask him/her about the communist state of mind of Komrade Duceppe. Let me know how it goes, I think it will be extremely funny.

Sometimes a burger is just a burger

Dear FakeMike, your latest post outlines a profound problem in the IT industry, people are fed up with utterly complex technologies and the delusional managers who love them. It seems no IT project can evolve without turning into a huge clusterfuck with childish ego wars and dumb snake oil salesmen grabbing the client's attention. It's no wonder smart people quit their job and look for a more sensible professional life. A burger joint might not be terribly exciting, but at least the burgers don't call for a change management meeting with change request forms the minute you alter the menu. John from Calgary.

John here seems to have a point, but his limited perspective prevents him from seeing the big picture. I'd say John will never land an executive VP position, but that would be mean. Well, not really.

True, burgers won't complain when you change the menu nor they need firmware updates nor are they the subject of an “architecture” where the relationship between the burger, the fries and the large Coke is discussed at great length in relation to business requirements and best practices. Still, that's no reason to quit IT and especially your position at CGI. Unless you plan to trump Joey Chesnut, I’d stay out of the food business.

This is a typical problem with mere mortals such as John, they don't see the big picture, they cannot grasp the full extent of profitable growth so they limit their view of the world to what their senses tell them.

John sees a clusterfuck, I see a lucrative opportunity to expand and deepen a relationship with a deep-pocket customer over a 10 years period minimum.

John sees insanely complex technology, I see a fantastic opportunity to bill a large number of hours to install and configure whatever he's talking about. Since the complexity escapes everyone including the manufacturer engineers, there's no shame in charging an obscene rate.

John sees a delusional manager, I see a great potential for the firm to drop a couple of expensive "strategy advisors" in the manager's office and gear the mentally-challenged director in a direction that ultimately will lead to large contracts for us.

You see, profitable growth is in the eye of the beholder. So John, if you're unable to grasp the true reality with your limited intellect, yes maybe it's time you go flip burgers as beef patties are - exactly - a beef patties. But ask yourself this: did Ray Kroc saw just a burger or a way to revolutionize the American food industry? It's the same here, I see tremendous opportunities when all you see is tedious work and painful client relations. This is the difference between top-shelf CEOs like me (for instance) and whining guys like you.


Let me know when you're there, I can't wait to see your new outfit.

Defusing hopes of a second career

I can’t help but smirk when I hear glorious stories about IT professionals who quit the industry to “reinvent themselves” and become oddballs. You know what I’m talking about, deviants who become restaurant owners, landscaping designers and other bogus choices that make me raise an eyebrow. How many times did I secretly listen to a conversation where a DBA rants about his job and say something like “I’ll sell my clunker and start a burger joint, I mean could it be worse than this fucking project?”

People somewhat believe that it exists a more golden opportunity than IT, a secret place where happiness exists and where people can become better persons by doing what they really love.

Get out of town.

Working for a company, well not any company of course, but working for CGI is the pinnacle of any serious career. Here you will share our dream, help us on our mission to profitable growth and you’ll get plenty of training so that we can drop you on a lucrative gig for a fat client. Even your folks will be proud of you, because our company name is the newspaper. You can’t seriously hope for a better life than that, and if you do you’ll get njoyned.

It’s like people who quit their IT career to become “life coaches”, this is so freaking ridiculous that it has become a running gag in HR circles. When you check into LinkedIn and scan for those pets, you realize that their career has been so dysfunctional that these people must have a truckload of unresolved “personal issues”. Women especially. Probably divorced, unable to put a cap on their emotions, their new car is scratched bumper to bumper, they lose their ATM card 8 times a year, yet they advise you on how to run a perfect life.

Do you really think running a greasy spoon or giving advices on “life” to other wackos will be a satisfying career on the long run? Sure, flipping burgers sounds more fun than configuring a Windows server or checking firewall rules in a beige cubicle, but after a few hundred thousand patties reality will knock on your door. Happiness is not about being on your own or calling the shots, it is not about human contact, and it is definitely not about money. Whatever you’re doing today won’t make a dent in human civilization, hell nobody will remember you 150 years from now not even the taxman.

So why not be part of a larger group that will give your life structure and meaning? Your identity will be defined by our policies and processes, so you have nothing to worry about. It takes maturity and wisdom to become a company man. Join us today, and send me your resume.

Member's Column Day: On Fruitcakes

Dear FakeMike, my client is completely nuts and our team morale is sinking to new lows every day. We get conflicting messages from the director, vague scope of work and we get wacked for nothing. The client expects us to deliver unreasonable work within extra-short time, yet his own employees are doing literally nothing except smoking outside the building, chatting in the coffee room and bitching about consultants. I think the urinals get more attention from the organization than us. This is hell. Mike from BC.

What's your question young man, do you seek professional advice on lavatory equipment or are you just whining about a situation that is clearly outside your control?

Rest assured, neurosis is more prevalent inside today's organization than one might think. Doctors estimate that 20-30% of today's workforce run on prescription drugs, and we're not talking about blood pressure here. Simply said, people are just nuts. And nuttiness is not limited to the usual suspects, like government workers, CDO traders or whores. It's everywhere, in every corner where people work for a living. They have infiltrated every level, every field, regardless of salary or responsibilities. It is a global freak show.

If you ask me, I'm totally fascinated by the fact that society in general can hold itself together in one more or less coherent thing, considering the prevalence of loose-cannon control-freak delusional zombies. We should normally nail a few 2 by 4 on our door to prevent the crazy from entering our house and office, à la Vincent Price. Seriously. It's a miracle that we not enter a devolution stage and go back to the ocean where we came from in the first place. Clams do not use Sharepoint or Lotus Notes, this might be why they're so happy.

We also must understand one important aspect of being a consultant. Consultants are like whipping boys (and girls) inside a company, directors can whack them just the fun of it, they can persecute them just to make their day more enjoyable and have something to gloat about at the next meeting. Cruelty is within human nature. Project goes out of rail? Blame the consultants. Why is that so? It’s because consultants cannot complain to their union leader or HR because they are “external” resources. They are literally powerless, and nothing brings more fun to dumb people than to exploit smart people with no possible administrative rebound. It’s like crushing a cricket with your boots and saying, Oh I’m sorry little fella and then looking for more crickets.

Like I preached to you before, you must leverage from this illogical out-of-control state and leverage nuttiness to increase your billing rate. What you deliver is irrelevant, even you run in circle for years, even if the client crushes you as long as the fucker pays the invoice we send. Money talks and PSA manages. The situation won’t change. So why not build profitable growth on it? It's like manure, it stinks but it can be used to great benefits.

So pinch your nose young man, take a shovel and bill 40 hours a week. The firm will take care of the rest.

Roach out.

Dealing with competitors

When I was a young lad distributing newspapers in rural Ontario, I used strategic advantages to dominate my competitors. For instance, Jimmy my neighbour used a 3-speed bike to distribute The Globe & Mail along Bell Street, and my bike was just a single-speed rusty thing.

I knew Jim would trump me on the long term thanks to his better assets, so I used my screwdriver one night to loose up some of his bike components. Poor Jimmy, he and his bike ended up in the river one morning with a fresh load of newspaper. Jimmy was fine but wet, but he lost his job because that big burly Globe & Mail guy - Frank if I recall - thought he was pissed drunk that morning, how else do you end up in the river anyway? So I was awarded Jimmy's run in addition to mine because Frank knew I was a pretty square guy.

Today's business environment is no different, sometimes you have to be a little creative to crush your competitors. Here's an excellent article in the Telegraph Journal about CGI's ambition to dominate the IT world.

Let me outline you the best part:

Roach noted that in 1976 - the year CGI was formed - the company brought in about $138,000 in revenues. Today, the firm makes that much in less than three minutes.

I didn't end up billing 2 times your salary in 3 minutes because I'm a compassionate guy with a lot of "emotional intelligence" whatever this crap means. It's because I play to win, and winning means buying and milking competitors for what they're worth. This is called consolidation, and it sounds just like Jimmy barrelling down the street that morning toward the river.

So whenever there's a smaller firm in town that use unfair advantages to win lucrative contracts, I use an arsenal of tactics to undermine their position. For instance, I ask my local directors to spread the word that this smaller firm has difficulty paying its monthly bills so that its own employees start to worry about their job. It's usually sufficient to hire the more insecure ones at a lower salary, therefore reducing the headcount of the smaller firm. Which in turns diminishes the odds for them to win big contracts.

It would be negligent to disclose here all my tactics, but you get the idea.

We've always dreamt big, and while some of you have have difficulty grasping the full meaning of "big", you need to know that working for CGI is your path to greatness. Send me your resume today.

You can't always win

When you're the best, sometimes you have to fake a defeat in order to come back later on and beat the sucker and humiliate its board of directors.

And then we acquire the sucker, strip it from its clients and then lay off the unproductive workers. Productive workers are offered a 15% reduction in salary as a token of goodwill.

That's business, dear members.

How are you going to fuck me?

I know, I know, I haven't been much present here for the past few weeks, things are been extremely busy even a humble top-shelf CEO like me. Rest assured, I'll continue to serve wisdom to the people and guide members through the unknowns.

Today I'd like to introduce you to a way of thinking that has served me well so far. Whenever I deal with partners, customers, government officials, whatever legal entity with which I want to expand and deepen relationships to pursue profitable growth, there's this phase which I call "the zone".

The zone is this time and place where for instance our company and a potential client with deep pockets talk about the benefits of outsourcing their IT. We had a few meetings before, we know each other at some level, and everything leads me to believe that we'll soon have a deal. There is a sufficient level of comfort for any CEO to put his guards down and ease the negotiation tactics. This is the "zone".

Whenever I enter the zone I mentally challenge myself with the question, How are they going to fuck me?

It might be crappy planning on the customer's end that lead them to believe we'll do better. Might be that their IT infrastructure is a huge clusterfuck that is just waiting to be dumped on our lap. Might be that their employees are dumber than Homer Simpson and our IT outsourcing process will force us to integrate these low-watt bulbs into our existing team.

Instead of relaxing days before signing the contract, I get this uncomfortable itch in the back of my brain because I know there's a big fucktrap somewhere and I haven't seen it yet.

I therefore double my efforts, well I actually delegate some of it, to find how the customer/partner/government body will try to plant seeds of unprofitable growth into the deal. 95% of the time I manage to find the flaw before it's too late.

Of course there's a bunch of long faces the day we sign the deal, as the other party discovers a collection of interesting new sections in the contract. They realize the fucktrap has been discovered, yet they sign the deal to save their honour.

Friends, we live in an era where trust is a vintage value from a bygone era. Everyone is trying to fuck someone, and whenever this happens it is a direct hit on the bottom line. Better save yourself from disgrace and negative quarters, and next time you're about to enter a deal ask yourself this priceless question:

How are they going to fuck me?

How grateful

It has dipped a bit below $20 to take its breath, but our stock is on its way to stardom. I mean, last time we hit that high it was Y2K hysteria and Netscape was 5 years old. Financial analysts once again are awaking from their deep coma and realize that we've been telling the truth all the time and they decided to upgrade us from "dull" to "divinely attractive"

Yours truly is of course the main actor behind this success, although I try to keep a humble profile and stay "in character". You won't see me driving a Ferrari to work and moon the innocent pedestrian to showcase irrational exuberance in line with our financial statements.

Nevertheless, I am a bit disappointed by the lack of feedback from my dear profitable members. I mean, I don't expect to be treated like the winning SuperBowl coach (don't pour Gatorade on my suit, I'll kill you), but you know I'd love to receive a couple of e-mails that say Boss, ya know all that crap about profitable growth, well you were right, I know we're being neglected and paid very little, but I can now go to sleep and know it is for a greater good.

No nothing. Not a single thank you. Let me refresh my Outlook. No. Zilch.

I don't get no respect to quote the late Rodney, but it's okay. Sigh.

Debunking the dividend myth

I was having this morning a discussion with yet another "financial reporter" from a newspaper whose name escapes me, and I was prompted to give thoughts on whether or not CGI should pay - gasp - dividends to its shareholders.

My feelings are always the same on this topic, and let me guide you through my inescapable logic. Let's say you check your account balance one day and discover that you were able to save $10K during the last year or so. This wonderful fact might trigger some thoughts as whether or not you should indulge in Full HD entertainment or buy a top-of-line DSLR.

Instead of shoving that 10K into discretionary expenses, let's say you go to the ATM and retrieve all that money into $20 bills. You then knock on the door of your neighbour and when he opens the door, you give him a crisp $20 bill. You then go to the next house on the street, give $20, and repeat the process until you run out of cash.

Would that cash distribution sound totally absurd? Dear members that's what dividends are, and to me it sounds like a serious psychological disorder. My therapist doesn't entirely agree, but to hell with him.

Listen to what the great Warren Buffett said in 1997: We don't pay dividends because we think we can turn every dollar we make into more than a dollar in market value. He conveyed a similar message at Berkshire’s 2008 annual meeting, where he remarked: “The test on dividends is, ‘can you create more than $1 of value with the one you retain?’ … We hope to move the capital to a place where it will be worth $1.20"

If we follow's Warren's logic, those who issue dividends are D-grade managers who cannot turn a loonie into something more, therefore they give money to augment their personal prestige rather than working their ass off for the shareholders.

My feelings are exactly the same, why should we give fedex money to whining shareholders who don't know manure about our business when we can invest that same money into pursuing acquisitions? Why should we plow dough into employees perks and benefits when it does not impact our earnings? Last time I checked, there's no "Happiness" line in a financial statement.

This is something I'm trying to explain to my board of directors. They are this wonderful collection of wealthy baby boomers, yet they think CGI should be the vehicle to fund the next 6 generations of their families. They pressure me to issue dividends like you could not believe. They whine about their 7-series that doesn't start when it's -20c, they whine about prohibitively expensive tuition fees for their kids, for god sake then even whine about the price of Rice Crispies. GIB dividends would bring them so close to total happiness, or so they say.

So rest assured dear members, our cash reserve won't fuel useless dividends nor will they be spent on doomsday scenarios such as retirement funds for our employees. Profitable growth is my personal mission and nothing will stop me.

Now get back to work.

Dear God, please kill me.

The Prince of Financial Darkness is now asking for the opinion of ordinary citizens in light of the upcoming 2011-2012 Quebec budget. It's like Charles Manson being asked to give the keynote at a pro-life event or Don Cherry advising customers at Harry Rosen.

I mean, I could pretend I care about my employees opinion and ask them what direction my company should take, but I don't. I'm the farging CEO. I'm being paid to take decisions and lead this organizations toward financial nirvana (for the shareholder, that is).

So SuperRaymond launched a "prebudget consultation" on his Web site, except this sucker had no money to put an English version along the French version. C'est la vie. Look at him in the picture above. Would you buy a used car from this man?

I spent about 15 minutes surfing this electronic goulash that bears more resemblance to early draft of Politburo propaganda than sound financial plans backed by a solid understanding of the situation. Happy Raymond wants to be a reassuring figure, all your social benefits define who you really are and your tightly-managed government is working days and nights to preserve this by doing creative accounting. This uber-crap could be convincing after 6 glasses of wine, but no one with at least a 2-digit IQ will fall for this.

Oh, by the way, we learned earlier this week that 30 government departments in Quebec spent $1.7M in contract services to water the fucking plants in their office. You know those plants, you could water them with your personal fluids or old coffee pots and they could thrive. Revenue Quebec spent $173 000 just to take care of those plants, and guess which smart ass leads this frugal organization? None other than The King of Happiness himself!

Anyway, go take a look if you read French and don't accuse me if you suffer from intellectual dysentery after that. How much taxpayer dollar went into this mess, Ray?

IT is better than politics

I don't want to start any false rumors, but I've been told the chronic mismanagement of the current liberal administration in Quebec is having a major toll on the health of some highly perched politicians.

I watched Curly in the news last week and he was pale as a ghost, his double-chin dangling at every word. This was not the picture of a man following a healthy regimen and sleeping well at night. What can I say, you are the product of your own decisions.

A few minutes after the Scary Curly Show, we learned about the resignation of the president of FTQ Construction, a powerful labor union involved with many public infrastructure projects whose cost double every 6 months. The former president claims the mafia has infiltrated every corner of the industry. Great.

In related news, Happy Raymond (shown here) was talking about his prostate to a CBC reporter after being grilled about the negative effect of raising the sales tax from 7.5% to 8.5%. Look at his gloomy unhealthy face. What's funny about Ramone (well it's not funny) is that everybody profoundly hate his guts. Fiscally responsible advocates hate him because he increases taxes to fund deficient social programs whose cost is skyrocketing. Left-wing nuts and union junkies hate him because his higher-tax policy is impacting everyone, not just the filthy rich who make more than $65K a year.

I mean, it's impossible to please everyone, but to displease everyone and run a fucking huge deficit you have to... well you have to be Raymond. In case your short term memory has erased that priceless quote, this is the guy who claimed that the prime objective of a democratic government is NOT to balance a budget but to make people happy.

I'll miss this guy when he'll be gone.

Dear members, your life in a dimly lit cubicle is 1,000,000 times better than the life of some public figures. Happiness is being able to leave work at work, something middle managers, CEOs and drug dealers simply can't do. Configuring a domain server is piece of cake (I've been told), so enjoy the easy life.

Don't worry, be happy, and fill your time sheet with 40+ hours of billable work.

CGI upgraded to "smouldering hot"

I mean, what did I tell you earlier this week about douche bags who pretends your stock is not "exciting" anymore? Some other people who do not qualify as moronic analysts think CGI is the hottest thing in this quadrant, with a target price of $20.00. Gasp, this would be the greatest event ever, I would tap dance on the desk of institutional investors, I told you so, I told you so.

Oops. Huge mistake. They're talking about another company whose ticket is CGI. Calderon something. Damn those guys, I hate them.

CGI downgraded from "arousing" to "neutered"

The same happens when you buy a new Mercedes, the first few weeks are totally great but then after 6 months you stop enjoying its "newness" and wander around the dealer to spot new models.

Wall Street Analysts were like female teenagers drooling over Justin Bieber (or Elvis Presley) when we purchased Stanley and posted our record Q4, but now the chick-of-the-day is not CGI and they downgraded us as if we're just a bunch of has-been.

To hell with them. Wall Street will upgrade us to "fucking hot" next time we do an acquisition.

Buckle up, the quants are in town

When I was a pubescent youth preaching at the Young Visicalc Enthusiast Club in Ontario, my favorite comic book was the Green Goblin. I know, I don't strike you as the kind of man who read funnies, but I was once a young boy like everyone else. The Goblin was a smart scientist and visionary, and although he had tacky accessories and a bad business plan but he managed to invent a serum that boosted his mental abilities beyond the average human. And considering how low the average joe scores, that serum must have been a piece of cake to invent.

I did try last year some experimental medication from a "consultant" scientist but it did not boost my mental abilities tenfold as printed in the brochure. It gave me a rash though.

So what I'm announcing today is a very humble thing for me to do, and to some extent it shows how human I am despite years of experience in micro-management.

I'm announcing today my decision to hire a team of quants to push the profitable growth models a notch higher, many notches in fact. It's a small team of underpaid mathematicians that I salvaged from an undisclosed Canadian university, but they are amazingly bright, they have no social life or access to social networks and ready to perform any task. Don't look them up in the company directory, they have an office with no Internet access.

Our acquisition of Stanley proved to be very complex from a spreadsheet point of view, and there are now too many variables to take into account when I want to squeeze money. For instance, should I stop reimbursing parking in the New York state because members use parking spaces that cost above what the DOT zombies consider "average parking cost"?

Or should we stop paying for soft drinks when there's a working lunch in the office, and if so how much this saving will snowball 10 years down the road considering the commodities market and expected hikes in soft drink pricing?

This is the kind of intellectual challenge that gives me goose bumps (plus other physiological effects I can't describe here), but I realize that quants will do a better job than me alone crunching numbers on my laptop.

So buckle up dear members, this is a new beginning.

What a way to start 2011

I bumped into one of my way-too-many VP this morning in the coffee room, he said he was interviewing a DBA with 10 years of experience who was interested in a position at CGI. Feeling full of energy - and wearing my favorite crossword-puzzle tie - I said I wanted to talk to this young fellow who I'm sure would be impressed to talk the CEO in person.

The guy was in his early 30s, had solid experience with Oracle and a bunch of other database-related technology. The resume looked good, meaning I could sell this guy with a fat margin to a client. But something wasn't right, and I could not pinpoint what it was. No, it was not body piercings.

I go, young man why do you want to work at CGI?

The guy goes, well it's a good company and it's making the headlines on a regular basis, new contracts, stock is up, I mean this is where I'd like to be.

I go, let me ask you a question junior, this is not your first job right? You are experienced, like Jimi used to say. What happened with your former employer?

The guy goes, name's Mitchell sir. My previous employer was a good one but my career was not going in the direction that I wanted to go. We are leaving in good terms.

I go, junior I hope I'm breaking any news to you, but you're not really managing your so-called career, I hope you know that by now right? A career is just a linear sequence of different tasks, and your employer is the one calling the shots. Anyway, what was your prior salary?

The guy says, I was making $55 000 and among my benefits I had...

Knowing where this loaded train of crap was heading, I cut short to the point and go, junior I'm offering you $50 000, and consider this a generous offer.

The guy goes, what, you're offering less than I was doing before?

I go, that's right young man, I'm not paying what the stupid market is paying, I always bid under the current price, therefore I lower my average member salary.

The guy goes, I'm worth more than 50K, I know what my skills are and if you're not willing to pay me at least $55K I'll just go elsewhere.

At that point an uncomfortable silence took place in the windowless meeting room. I just stared at the young candidate, computing how much earning he could provide me with until the end of the quarter.

After less than a minute, junior gave up. All right, $50K is a deal.

I go, let's settle for $48K then. HR will bring you the paperwork in the next 15 minutes and you'll be ready to start. You should be billable to a project within the next hour or - what's his name - Mr. VP here will take the loss personally. Right?

The VP was sweating like hell and the young DBA was livid, he goes, we had a deal for $50K, how come you're lowering your offer?

I stood up and pushed my chair. $47K, last offer.

I swear I could hear his blood pressure rising when he acknowledged. All right, all right, I get it. Where do I sign?

I gave a pat on the VP's stiff shoulder who was sitting next to me and probably mortified to hear my negotiation skills. You see, this is how we manage business here. Have a great day.

Next in line.